Everyday Should Be Saturday

September 6, 2007

POWER TOWEL WOOOOOOOOO: K-STATE’S HORRIBLE PREGAME VIDEO

Ron Prince is a man with plans. For example, he only recruits running backs who can fit in suitcases, a kind of Kenny Irons in reverse situation. He also likes red post-it notes because they convey urgency.

He’s also been reading up on his Douglas Adams and watching his South Park, because he wants you to remember one simple lesson: bring your towel.

Willie the Wildcat, the worst mascot in America, still appears to be a guy just wearing a head. And not even a proper mascot head, made from synthetic fibers, chicken wire, some felt and a bit of professional stitchwitchery. (more…)

March 8, 2007

YOUR UNIVERSITY AD IS TEH SUXX0RZ: MINNESOTA RAH RAH RAH

Play to put yourself in the RAH RAH RAH frame of mind, please:

MP3 File

School: University of Minnesota

Ad title: “Hats off to Thee.”

EDSBS title
: “Minnesota and Gospel Music: going together like thumbtacks and chewing gum since 1851.”

Setup: The University of Minnesota needs money, so they send you a link to this Flash Presentation. The Flash presentation reminds you that though “you’ve moved on” (and what a titanic loser you are if you’re still in the neighborhood,) the University of Minnesota is still your home away from home. Then they flash this on the screen:

What part still lives there? Pardon us for being literal minded, but we have to know. NOW. A rank pair of boxers we never retrieved from behind the study cube? (more…)

January 25, 2007

IT’S TIME FOR THE NEXT LEVEL AT ASU.

The promo machine in Tempe cranks it up for the arrival of Dennis Erickson with the marketeer’s weapon of last resort: the door hanger. (HT: The immortal CliffX.)

Valuable Coupons On Back!!! Of course there are, but not the kind we’d expect from college football’s original prototypical piratecoach. No twofers for shots at Grizzlebee’s? No free app with your third birdbath margarita at Don Taco’s? No commission-free bail bonds for ASU ticket holders? No discounted jumbo containers of Anderson Cooper Silver Fox Hair Dye for the Mature Sexy Beast™ at the local Walgreen’s? The lack of synergy and Erickson branding is simply inexcusable, marketeers.

We’re disappointed, Arizona State. You may as well have used our favorite picture of Dennis Erickson ever–in fact, feel free to take it. It’s him loaded after 18 holes of golf in Hawaii driving his golf cart into a volcano. You just know he’d live to tell about it–anyone who coached the 1990 Miami Hurricanes can live through anything.


ASU Football–if it doesn’t work out, we’ll make Dennis Erickson drive a golf cart into a volcano.

December 18, 2006

WHAT YOU MISSED WHILE HAVING A LIFE

The weekend’s riotous news and notes. We mean the riotous part.

–Congratulations to Appalachian State University on winning the D-1 AA football title over the University of Massachusetts. Clearly too HOT HOT HOT to handle, ASU topped UMass 17-14 28-17 in a godless format called a playoff. The title is ASU’s second in a row–there’s a university that’s going places.


Congratulations, Appalachian State. You stay right over there, we don’t hug.

UMass students, furious they were forced to play through a bracket of competition just to get to the final and lose, vented their anger through rioting as only Northeastern college football fans can: by throwing bicycles and lighting small fires.

“Why can’t we have a bowl system in D-1 AA! WHYYYYY?!?!?” said a UMass student who does not exist, because no one would ever say this.

University officials promises “swift” punishment, a word only used by university administrators when they want to give the whole “mighty as an angry and capricious god” tone to their communique.

–In other “Jesus, we thought Southern fans were restraining-order-bonkers” news: Anthony Morelli receives death threats at Penn State. The lid-flipping quote here from Morelli: “I kind of expected it,” Morelli said. Well, sure. Remind us to bake Chris Leak some cookies. The kind without arsenic in ‘em, because though we might have lost fistfuls of hair and bar tab cash watching him, we don’t want him dead. This is something you have to be clear on, evidently.

–Neal Calloway, UGA offensive line coach, gets the head job at UAB. Head Blazer Job allegedly to Jimbo Fisher first, but oversight board claimed Fisher “too expensive.” Your Alabama conspiracy theory of the day is that Fisher conveniently became tai gui le when the board–whose members include Paul Bryant, Jr.–kept UAB from taking one of Big Daddy’s emergency coaching candidates. Paul’s already scoping out new OL coaches on Georgia Sports. Tramp.

–Montana State is concerned over three arrests in the past year. Early Fulmer Cup stocks for MSU just fell through the floor, since a program concerned about three arrests clearly does not have the makings of an FC champion. Best on Arizona State, however, should be through the roof.

–Belatedly mentioned: noted Euro-American Fisher DeBerry retires from Air Force. Possible replacement candidates include Gary Barnett. Possible return of Barnett, Neuheisel, and Dennis Erickson in one year: we just typed that, and if loving that idea is wrong, we don’t wanna be right.

Oh, and someday we want to be introduced as “the man who put love in your eye.”

March 2, 2006

BEHOLD! THE FULMER CUP SCOREBOARD!!!

Big Mike outdoes himself with the creation of the one and only Fulmer Cup scoreboard. The ads are what crack us up the most…

February 9, 2006

YOUR SCHOOL’S PROMOTIONAL AD IS TEH SUX0RZ! UCONN RENTS THE KINDA LONG HAIRED GUY TO PITCH THE U.

We don’t even know this guy and we hate him. Today we eviscerate UConn’s horrid promo, brought to us by the discerning eye of reader Kevin from New Brunswick. Warning: this note contains language.

School: University of Connecticut

Ad title: Great Pick”

EDSBS title: Your asshole dormmate with the guitar pitches a university.

Setup: A guy sits on a stool and picks out a Dave Johnson Mayer-ey white blues tune. As he plays, factoids about UConn flash beneath it, like “Number One Public University in New England,” and “Record high applications.” As each one flashes into the screen, the guitar guy looks suitably impressed, wrinkling his eyebrows and flashing his obviously whitened teeth with approval accordingly. Immediately prior to the end of the commercial a flash of images rushes at the viewer, and as the guitarist finishes up with a flourish he announces “UConn…(blows on pick)…great pick.”

Subtext: We’re UConn, and golly, we’re improving. We’re also making you listen to this shitbag pound out John Mayer/Matchbox 20/other music of diarrheal blandness in his endless quest for pussy while you hurl up Jagermeister in the bushes. Oh, and you can go to school, too.

Wanna hear me play guitar mmphhh AAAGGGH…(sounds of unimaginable violence follow…)

Production values:

Low. A/V club low. The nicest thing we can say is that the lighting and cake makeup makes Guitar Gabe and his wondrous flannel shirt look slightly better than Betamax. The graphics and Ludovico treatment-fast montage of images at the end of the ad, though, are reprehensible work.

Hits: Informed us that UConn has “RECORD–HIGH VALEDICTORIANS.” This may be UConn’s way of cornering the market in drug-abusing overachievers; if so, we’re definitely making a campus visit.

Misses: Everything. Everything, Everything, Everything. Everything. It’s hard to overstate how much we hated this ad. (more…)

January 12, 2006

YOUR SCHOOL’S PROMOTIONAL AD IS TEH SUX0RZ! GRAND CRU: APPALACHIAN IS HOT HOT HOT!

Some people go their whole lives searching for their own personal holy grail…but thanks to reader Kenny Smith, we may die in peace now, since today he sent us the link to what we’ve been looking for lo, these long two months…TEH SUX0RZ OF ALL SUX0RZ IN SCHOOL PROMOTIONAL ADS. (For all the other, lesser ads, please check out our school promotional ad review archives.) For the moment, Appalachian State, we kowtow to you. You truly are HOT HOT HOT !

A WARNING: Please, before reading anything written below, watch this. If you’re in an office, shut the door; if you’re in a cubicle, invite a friend. If you’re at home, call over a loved one or pet to spread the love, and please make sure you are not eating, drinking, performing any delicate tasks requiring manual dexterity, or masturbating while watching, since this video is the opposite of sex, and may induce erectile dysfunction for life.

(Waiting, sips coffee, waits for reader’s vital signs to return to normal after exposure to the worst school promotional ad ever created. Some of you may not have made it–condolences from our staff, but like Too Short says, only the strong survive. We begin to pick apart this monstrosity now, though words ultimately fail to capture the grandeur of the “HOT HOT HOT” ad. We’ll try anyway.)

Only the strong survive the ASU ad. Watch with caution.

School: Appalachian State University

Ad title: “HOT HOT HOT!”

EDSBS title: “The Cthulu of School Promo Ads.” Why vote for the lesser of two evils?

Setup: “One To Grow On”-esque video effects fade into a verdant mountainside background. Across the screen flash various images of university life in the picturesque campus of Appalachian State University, taken mostly from the pages of the manual all campus information directors must use when putting these things together. (more…)

December 30, 2005

SLATE GETS IN ON THE UNIVERSITY COMMERCIAL BIT

EDSBS–trendsetter!!! In addition to setting the popular trend of starting a scarcely read college football blog, we’re also giving the big boys grist for their mills. Slate gets in on the university commercial analysis in a breezy sketch of university ads. We thank them for finding more links, which we will shamelessly use in future articles. Gracias, muchachos!

December 13, 2005

YOUR SCHOOL’S PROMOTIONAL AD IS TEH SUX0RZ! PART FOUR: THE UNIVERSITY OF TEXAS GETS IMPRESSIONIST ON US

School: University of Texas. Don’t mess with them.

Ad title:: “What Starts Here Changes The World.” (Click on any of them.)

EDSBS title:: “Texas: We’ve Still Got That Bigass Tower Where the Crazy Sniper Was.”

Setup: Actually a series of ads all based on the same model: schwoopy helicopter shots of Austin from the air, done Steadicam style for an even glide through the landscape. It’s like being God or a confident William Katt buzzing the capital city of Texas; or maybe it’s exactly what someone sees after downing their eighteenth Jaeger shot of the night after finals and passing out on their lawn. The landscapes include a time-lapse overview of Austin at night, but also a scary, post-apocalyptic hazy shot of the Austin skyline. (U of Texas: the school for Road Warrior fetishists!) The imagery drifts by while Walter Cronkite, Texas alum, reads vague, visionary stuff over the low-end synth track that was probably playing during your last professional massage or sexual encounter with a Wiccan.

If you hosted a meeting of the mindsa place where the right-brained dreamers inspired the left-brained doerswhere would you gather? Were Texas. What starts herechanges the world.


If Walt had asked us to come to Texas, you’d probably be reading a Longhorns blog right now.

Each commercial finishes with the same finishing shot of the University of Texas Tower and the Texas logo on a burnt orange background.

Subtext: Umm…Texas: we’re big. And floaty and vague. But kind of cool, too, and not hung up that our symbol, the Texas Tower, still makes everyone think of Charles Whitman. Actually, the ad is yet another step in UT’s attempts to exorcise the demons of the Whitman incident from the tower, which began with its reopening to the public in the late ’90s. We wish them luck in their continuing efforts, since the first two things we thought when we saw the commercial were:

a.) Holy shit Walter Cronkite!

And:

b.) Holy shit that’s where that crazy guy shot everyone from!

Production values:
High: not only do you get film stock and expensive aerial shots of the campus, but you get Walter Cronkite, the man who taught us how to speak English. Texas sets a new high in terms of willingness to go for the fancy ketchup when it comes to production values.

Hits: Besides the production values? A nearly complete lack of cliche. Not a microscope shot to be found in the whole commercial. A bonanza for the “branding” crowd, since the ads focus more on the Texas mystique than, say, showing off their epic map collection or new physics lab. A good example of the “Poof! Come to (insert school name here) because we’re special” ad that you either buy from the get go or drop on first sight. Did we mention lush production values?

Misses: The Tower. We know, it’s the symbol of the university, it’s the brand…but we still can’t think it without picturing a crazed ex-Marine with a high-powered rifle sitting up there. Coming from a university with a lesser but no less terrifying heritage of random crime–Danny Rolling–we can sympathize. It’s hard to shake something like that once it’s happened, which explains a lot about why UF freshman girls often arrive in Gainesville with Rottweilers, pepper spray, and a new handgun happily purchased for them by their parents. (No lie–sitting in class once, a fellow student not only owned up to carrying a gun with her, but volunteered to show everyone her piece right there in class. The prof quickly put a kibosh to this before any other university codes were broken and begged her to keep her gun in her purse, even if she had a concealed weapons permit for it.)

(Bonus creepy story: we knew someone who rented a Gatorwood apartment where two of Rolling’s victims were killed. Unbelieveably, they got zero break in the rent. Bummer.)

The Enya-ish stuff in the background of concept ads always irks us, too, but count it as a matter of minor annoyance. What else are they going to play, “Whiskey River?” Plus we’re thinking about the two hot Wiccans we know just hearing it…on second thought, the music’s not so bad at all. But deduct points for being too mysterian about the whole affair: some ads are Stone Cold Steve Austin, telling you exactly how far up your ass his black leather boot is going to go. This one’s more of a Papa Shango, holding up a totem in a smoky room while muttering a spell in your general direction.

Summary grade: B A high-class ad that goes a bit too far into the atmospheric. Next time use a little less Papa Shango and a little more Stone Cold, and we’ll be talking about a veritable submisssion hold of a university ad.

Texas’ ad needs less Papa Shango to it.

December 12, 2005

YOUR SCHOOL’S PROMOTIONAL AD IS TEH SUX0RZ: PART THREE, LSU’S GAME PLAN AD

School: Louisiana State University

Ad title:: “Game Plan”

EDSBS title:: “LSU: Kicking Ass on the Gridiron and Training the IT Midgets of Tomorrow Off It.”

Setup: No real set-up here: the commercial simply begins with a thunderous drum cadence holding together the disparate elements of montage. The theme of the montage: LSU is your gameplan for life, illustrated here by x’s and o’s superimposed in quick cuts on the screen that alternate with images of LSU sports, the requisite microscopes, and other slides that flash some gnarly looking equations and what appears to be an organic chemistry diagram. Plenty of shots of large pieces of technology, jumpy video effects, campus life, profs lecturing, Mike the Tiger, and football fans covered in purple body paint. Insert one curious shot of what appears to be a female midget working in an bank of servers. End drumbeat, end ad on last frame: “LSU: A GREAT GAME PLAN ON AND OFF THE FIELD.”

Mike: criminally underused in LSU’s ad.

Subtext: Football! Tigers! Science! Midgets! Football! No dodging the bullet here–LSU nuts up and just admits that everyone thinks of it as a football school with an academic sideshow. (This is quite the opposite of this ad for Duke, which goes out of its way to advertise that in addition to being a top ten uni, it’s also got mascots, team sports with scholarships, and all that other plebe stuff Ivy League schools tweedily pooh-pooh. ) They make a nifty segue with the football diagrams, emphasizing the technical strengths of the campus, but the Requiem for a Dream jump-cutting leaves us less electrified and more motion-sick, emphasizing the overall metaphor of LSU education=football-orgy meth fit with lecture hall flashbacks.

Production values: Low. Video effects include nothing above the dollar bin variety. VHS video standard is not quite down to “L.A. Crack Den Porno” levels, but it’s not far off. We’ll call it a fair shot to say it’s just a shade above “Atlanta Local Access Rap Show” standard.

Hits: A full head shot of Mike the Tiger. He’s badass and knows it. Being Florida grads, we have a special affinity for mascots that not only cannot be led around on a leash, but are capable of eating their adoring fans in a matter of minutes and more than willing to do so if given the chance. The commercial also earns points for honesty by embracing the football factory image and admitting that people who work in the IT department often shrink to near-dwarflike size after a year or two of study.

Misses: Plenty. The commercial features only three clear-cut examples of the seven deadly sins of a university commercial, but fudges dangerously close to cliche territory in many other instances: look, someone graduating! Look, a black and a white professor lecturing! Look, lots of computer LEDs flickering away! (Remember that the flickering LED bank is to university commercials what shots of reel-to-reel data tape were to elementary science films: the very icon of technological advancement.) A midget girl standing next to a man in a bank of servers! (”At LSU, only the most astute midgets work in our server rooms. Their grubby little hands are what keep our IT department humming…”) Our favorite part is the blink-and-you’ll-miss-it shots of the campus at the end. It’s as if they did the whole commercial, watched it, and then slapped their foreheads and said, “Shit, we forgot to show what the place looked like!” Tacked on to the end of the ad you’ll find about 1.5 seconds of scene-setting featuring LSU’s terra-cotta tile roofs, which fly by so quickly you could have inserted shots of USC, Stanford, Florida without raising a single eyebrow.

In fact, we bet you could slip nude photos of famous LSU alums into the last few frames without anyone noticing. James Carville is shown on a bearskin rug is in the final frame. Prove us wrong–we dare you! (In case you’re screaming out loud right now from the mental picture we just impaled your sanity on…you’re welcome. )

Well, Mary Matalin would has hit it.

Summary grade: D We have to be tough graders here, especially since this is a public university we’re talking about here. (In the future we plan to review a Stanford ad, trash the hell out of it, and then give it an A anyway, since no one pays that kind of yen to be given Cs.) Earns points for embracing the football angle, but loses it in ADD execution, lack of branding, too many predictable shots of blinking lights and blooping machinery, and criminal underuse of badass mascot. Think about this—would thirty seconds of Mike the Tiger rolling on his back and playing with a ball have been a better ad than this one? Just Mike, lolling around aimlessly until the LSU logo popped up on the screen? Of course it would have, which is why it earns a D in our review.

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