The Kid from House Rock Built returns with the five weekends from the upcoming schedule that will destroy your life as you know it. Now featuring only one gratuitous Gladiator reference!

Well, considering Swindle is going out and publishing his own brand of fucking odds these days, and well if its any one but AJ, youre stealing my bit! Doesnt matter, cant keep setting book week in and week out, the last time we did that at our previous job, the Trev had his fibula broken in a number of ways. They kind of did a Sid Vicious number on him, but that is neither here nor there. So we’ll get back into standard listing mode, but we have to think that this is more of a public service announcement than anthing else. You know…..we don’t really feel right announcing that all on our own….GET US A FUCKING MUPPET!

This is a Muppet News Flash! The following 5 weekends will ruin both your liver and your relationship with your spouse or life mate!

Week 1

The long wait is over. Sure, there’s not an EPIC SLATE of football madness to slake your thirst, but there is certainly enough insanity to go around for one Labor Day weekend. (more…)

Teams: there a lot of ‘em. In order to continue to bring you the finest mediocre college football coverage around, we have Corn Nation here to review Nebraska in year one, A.D. (After DistantoddballlonerCallahan. Not an awkward phrase at all, no.) Enjoy.

One: what color is your season? In other words, please explain the metaphorical state of your program through the metaphor of color:

If we don’t return to being a physical team on both sides of the ball, we could continue to be the passive pink that goes with all the ‘Hello Kitty’ stuff that my daughter has. Our we could be back to a semblance of our true selves - Scarlet - the true color of blood. Or we could be Black, as the Husker defense finds themselves and begins to resurrect their ‘Blackshirt’ tradition.

Who knows what to expect from the 2008 Nebraska Cornhuskers? Was the team as lost on the field as they looked due to Bill Callahan’s insecurities? Or did the players give up because they were lacking in heart and talent? No one knows, but how you feel about the subject right now is related to how bad you believe Bill Callahan was as a head college coach. Only you can answer that question, preferably in the comments section.

My cock is THIS much longer than Callahan’s, boys. Measure it.

Two: What historical nation and period do you resemble most right now?

Biblical, Numbers 13, 14. Moses and the Israelites are about to enter the Promised Land - land promised to them by God. (more…)

A power outage in our fair burg puts us several minutes behind pace today. Curious Index up shortly. Animated hoodlums cutting power lines in a steampunk metropolis below.

The Big Ten Network’s new ads–where JoePa flies off the handle and nearly attacks the camera at the end–have been significantly improved by the staff at EDSBS.

GRR!!! Now applaud LSUFreek and pay him ten g’s just for breathing on the mike.

Our Mustache Wednesday nomination for today is, appropriately enough, the bling-y swimmer Michael Phelps.

Happy Mustache Wednesday, motherfuckers!

Good work, son. Now pull your swimsuit up before you show the universe your medal stand. (HT: Paul.)

Gotta make time to get time. We’re big on that here at Illinoize. Players do homework while they lift weights, brush their teeth while waterskiing, and do Kegels when they’re in class. [NAME REDACTED]’s doing ‘em right now. Feels great.

Gotta multitask. Gotta do squats and study at the same time. Watch this.

BLOCK!! What’s the biggest challenge in theorizing political science?

Eric Block, Illini OL and Poli Sci Major: (grunting 600 pound squat) Grr…the…inabilty to…predict or model…outcomes of multivariate…AAHAIIIIIGGHGHH…situations….

[drops weight, collapses holding back in ominous way, twitches.]

[REDACTED]: Wrong! HA! Don’t even know if he is. Walk it off, Block! Likin’ the effort.

Wantin’ the fans to wave towels. Wantin’ ‘em to get excited. Wantin’ ‘em to multi-task. People get excited about things. ‘Scuse me.

[Tackles copy machine, rips it in half and drinks ink cartridge.]

WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNN!!!!!!!

See? Excited. People get excited ’bout a lotta things. Football. Family. Arson. Lotsa things. What’s better than football? Glad I asked. Football…and towels. And football towels.

[REDACTED'S] got it goin’ on. The [REDACTED ZONE]’s like a big spirit helicopter. First it lifts you. Then the whole stadium takes off. We’re floatin’. Recruits love it. Big floatin’ stadium. Unless the fans stop spinnin’ the towels. Then we fall. Maybe die.

LIIIIIIIIIIIIFT!!!! [push jerks a 350 pound mahogany desk over his head twelve times, spilling post-its and energy drink cans in wild maelstrom from it in the process.]

Gotta take some chances in life, though. Gotta go for two at one point in the game where it makes no sense to go for two. Gotta rugby punt. Gotta shake things up. Gotta keep the opposition on their toes. Gotta beat Ohio State and lose to Northwestern. Gotta have a gas fight with total strangers at a gas station and dare someone to light a match once in a while.

(Yup. The gas fight. So many flames. So much screaming. Didn’t even see it coming. Five dead in Joliet. Likin’ it. So did the recruits. “Nico Bellic, man!” Whoever that is.)

COMPEEEEEEEEEEETE!!!! [passes out from lack of food or water, as he has forgotten to ingest either for three days straight.]

(HT: RL)

PS. No idea what this is about. Illegal licensure. Wrong name. Not gettin’ it.

Hey man what’s that on the road?

Friend, It’s Dr. Miles Freakout Train carrying its load!

Dr. Miles Freakout Train has arrived.
(more…)

Computer slightly possessed this a.m.

Country gentleman Petrino: classy, unlike SOME people we know.

It’s a sign of a bad liar that, when pressed to offer an explanation for his actions, the liar in question denies charge one but willingly cops to what they consider a lesser charge. Honey, I didn’t sleep with the stripper. But I did take three hundred dollars from the emergency fund for blow for the boys. We cool, right?

Arkansas wide receiver Marques Wade is a prime example of this phenomena. Case in point: after almost hitting a cop with a car–which they really, really don’t like–Wade was pulled over. (That happens fairly often when you almost hit policemen with cars.) Wade then proceeded to display cunning linguistic skills by erecting a rhetorical smokescreen that would send blood shooting from Matlock’s overloaded brainframe.

A Fayetteville police report shows an officer stopped the sophomore from Ellenwood, Ga., after he sped through a parking lot and nearly slid into another officer. The report alleges Wade had bloodshot eyes and denied drinking, but said he had “smoked some marijuana earlier in the day.”

Weed? Well, son, who hasn’t done that? Drive on! You’re practically sober! For outstanding DUI, Arkansas picks up a base charge of three points, but also earns an additional point for the whole almost-hitting-a-policeman thing for a total of four points in the Fulmer Cup.

To show you that you have crossed the Harvey Dent rubicon into seeing the villain become a moderately tasteful semi-villain: do you hear Bobby Petrino complaining about the disciplinary problems he inherited from Houston Nutt?

Of course not. That’s what heels do. A refined gentleman like Petrino simply checks his Blackberry for any pressing job offers emails from his agent and moves on like a gentleman. DO YOU HEAR ME KRAGTHORPE YOU NABOB? Whatever, says Petrino: go back to eating your salad with the dessert fork, you cretin. See if an ascot-wearing duke like B.P. has anything to say to a savage like yourself. Drive on, Beersworthy!