Reads are important on this play, which we’ll call CAREER JET BANDIT X FLY D-BO OVER 2. We’re expecting good protection through a solid zone scheme of a middle class upbringing and lack of obvious physical or mental defect. We’re running four routes on the play. You’ll note the slot receiver is not accounted for in the playbook; this is by design, since you need one career option to forget, and then mourn as your lost ideal once it’s too late to choose it in the progression.

Let’s go through the reads, son.

First read: ASTRONAUT. The quarterback (you) takes the ball in the shotgun and surveys the defense. On this play, your first option is the X receiver, on this play known as ASTRONAUT.

ASTRONAUT is double covered by LACK OF MATH SKILLS AND DISCIPLINE. (Also, you find out you don’t like enclosed places when you go to Mammoth Cave as a nine year old.) It’s important to recognize this early and not force this ball prematurely, as you may end up in the military not flying jets, but instead handing out fresh underwear for hours at a time to new recruits as a logistics man. This throw is off the table, especially with a potential tip from COLORBLIND pressuring from the weakside. You must go to your next option.

(COLORBLIND plays havoc on his play as the 3-4 hybrid end: you can’t tell if he’s dropping to further cover ASTRONAUT, or rushing the qb. He’s a menace confusing the entire left side of the play for the qb. Better to let the running back chip and then go to the flat as an outlet receiver, which we’ll cover here in a bit.)

Second read: Your Z receiver, a.k.a. The Z receiver is referred to here as ADULT FILM STAR.

A quick frantic look and progression through your footwork reveals that Z is not an option due to A LACK OF SIZE against the cornerback of DON’T WANNA BE THAT AVERAGE GUY IN THE ORGY SCENE, M’KAY? Again, recognize this quickly, shuffle forward in the pocket, and move to your next option.

Third read: The Y receiver, or the Tight End, or what we call VET in this scheme. Shifting your feet a third time somewhere around your first semester in college, you eye your third read: VET. It says math is required in the major description, but you don’t believe it, because they’re just animals, right? And animals can’t hire lawyers or complain when your ignorance of basic chemistry puts them in a three day coma. How hard can this be?

Unfortunately, VET is running a short drag round underneath the ROBBER position of HAYFEVER. This throw is also affected by LACK OF MATH SKILLS AND DISCIPLINE, a corner whose locktight coverage indeed affects the entire field. (A good corner is just that valuable to a sound defensive scheme.) It might look open, but it’s not, and a forced throw risks a turnover and valuable time lost to getting all those prerequisites only to find out you don’t savor the special warmth you feel with your arm stuck two feet into a cow’s rectum.

You move to your fourth read, who because of the double coverage on ASTRONAUT should be wide open: the running back, shown here in our terminology as CELEBRITY CHEF.

This option is interrupted both by your lack of any real restaurant experience and THE SHRIMP INCIDENT. This option is blocked, and if you should force this throw twice you will have to rely once again on the kindness of strangers with EpiPens to spare.

The net result on the play will be an incomplete pass, and a PUNT

There are a few more loaded up and ready to go here, but if you have a situation you’d like to see metaphorically represented in football terms, please send it to us at harumphharumph of the gmail or yahoo variety type email address.

(Artist’s rendering of Orson Swindle, Esq. not to scale)

Even ESPN thinks “Football Championship Subdivision” is a stupid name. The WWL reports that Bill Curry, he of Georgia Tech, Alabama, Kentucky, and ESPN itself, will helm the incubating Georgia State football program and provides this giggly nugget: “The Atlanta school will begin play in 2010 in the division formerly known as I-AA and will play its home games in the Georgia Dome.” The next natural step is clearly the creation of an unpronounceable symbol to denote I-AA. Suggestions welcome, particularly those involving flightless birds.

Mis’sippy State’s off probation. Money quote: “Sherrill’s lawyer, Wayne Ferrell, didn’t return a message Wednesday. Neither did Sherrill.”

They’ll breed. You’ll die. Last year saw the emergence of the Northwestern band of brothers; this year’s new Miami hotness is a bumper crop of baby receivers out of St. Thomas Aquinas. The city continues to breed its football talent in convenient multi-pack form. Are they growing them in test tubes like Colquitts? Who knows, but [heavy-handed segue into joke about gerbils, which also multiply very quickly, in order to have an excuse to post this video containing that one gay bar song that appears by law at least four times a week on this site]:

(Not to pile on, but it’s the South Bend affiliate.) Anyone seen that episode of Sports Night where Danny gets emergency writer’s block and comes up with the sentence, “The Flyers played the Red Wings in a hockey game last night and they won 4-3″? OK, now read this. That is the gawkiest series of sentences I’ve ever seen on a professional media website, and not even because it’s about Eli Manning. Pepper The Notre Dame Comeback Dolphin bows his sleek head in weariness.

Rest easy, Dawg. Four-year Georgia QB and CFB Hall of Famer John Rauch died yesterday at the age of 80. Our condolences and best wishes to his family. ]]> http://www.everydayshouldbesaturday.com/2008/06/12/curious-index-6122008/feed/ 33 http://www.everydayshouldbesaturday.com/2008/06/06/corrections-662008/ http://www.everydayshouldbesaturday.com/2008/06/06/corrections-662008/#comments Fri, 06 Jun 2008 18:07:37 +0000 Holly http://www.everydayshouldbesaturday.com/?p=5127 Monday’s lead story reported that Florida quarterback Tim Tebow was instrumental in the weekend capture of terror mastermind Osama bin Laden. A US government spokeswoman informed us late last night that while Mr. Tebow has been an active participant in the manhunt, he has aligned himself with numerous federal agencies in a strictly advisory capacity. As of this posting, bin Laden remains at large. We regret the error.

Tuesday’s post “SEXXAY TENDENCIES” included the phone number for the University of South Carolina, which was listed as “800-588-2300.” This was accompanied by a chorus singing the phrase “EMPIIIIIIIIIIIIRE!” This is, in fact, the number for Empire Carpets, and not the South Carolina Gamecocks athletic department, who may be reached at 1-800-WIN-COCKS.

Get out of my head, earworm from hell!

Thursday’s Curious Index was published with an inaccurate photo caption. This man is not former Texas A&M coach Dennis Franchione:

We regret the error.

On Wednesday, we repeated an error from the British paper The Guardian when we suggested, in our piece Notable Headbuttings in College Football History, that Gore Vidal had headbutted Norman Mailer, and not the other way around. We regret the error, but stand by our standing list of college football’s most important headbuttings, including Holly Rowe on Ron Franklin (2004), Knute Rockne on Sister Mary Catherine Sanford (1930), and [NAME REDACTED] on no fewer than 32 snack and beverage machines in Ben Hill Griffin Stadium (2002-2004).

This week’s edition of Fulmer Cupdate reported that Duke quarterback Thaddeus Lewis and cornerback Leon Wright were arrested for underage consumption of alcohol. In fact, the pair were caught licking the skins of Colorado River toads, which contain known psychoactive substances. We regret the error.

Tuesday’s “Whe[REDACTED] Are They Now?” feature stated that Illinois coach Ron Zook will be basing all decisions regarding next year’s main receiving target for Juice Williams on conversations with returning players’ spirit guides. This was based on inaccurate sourcing. Although Coach Zook has had what he characterizes as “productive, positive discussions” with the animal projections, particularly with that of Arrelious Benn (a curious otter), he will not be making final slot adjustments until the Offense Vs. Defense Fire Walk in mid-August. We regret the error.

In this Friday’s Corrections, we listed the number for the South Carolina athletic department as 1-800-WIN-COCKS. This has turned out to be an entirely different type of business and, for the family readers of this blog, an inappropriate one. We regret the error.

Our Wednesday profile piece on Mike Patrick described his hobbies as baking, reading the early poetry of Wordsworth, and rubbing his dirty underwear on public drinking fountains when no one is looking. One of these is inaccurate; we regret the error.

A Monday night editorial took the position that University of Florida quarterback Tim Tebow would make a terrible companion in an adventure film, as his do-gooder nature would press him to ensure that any treasure discovered under the sea/in the desert/in the jungle would make its way to the descendants of worthy indigenous peoples and not to finance a sweet houseboat. Upon being informed of Mister Tebow’s medical prowess, however, it is the position of the EDSBS staff that his skill in dressing and suturing field wounds would prove invaluable and that his squinty blue eyes would look totally boss gazing into the distant sunset on the one-sheet. We regret the error. He’s so dreamy! In an unforgiving, all-slaughtering Christian gladiator kind of way–ed.

Tuesday’s Curious Index identified the Zodiac Killer as former UCLA coach Terry Donohue. This is inaccurate, as we all know it was Lil’ Red. We regret the error.

Because man is the most dangerous animal…

Wednesday’s bulletin stating that the Iowa Hawkeyes have canceled spring practices was inaccurate. The management, while standing by our reporter’s account of empty locker rooms and silent practice fields, concedes that it is possible there may exist players not yet arrested or dismissed from the team, perhaps frightened by strangers into hiding under benches. We regret the error.

A dispatch from South Carolina’s spring practices on Thursday stated, “There is evil there that does not sleep. It is a barren wasteland, riddled with fire, ash, and dust. The very air you breathe is a poisonous fume.” This is a passage from J.R.R. Tolkien’s The Lord Of The Rings, and was improperly attributed to the city of Columbia instead of the hellish inferno of Mordor. We regret the error.

Mordor’s architecture is far superior. We regret the error.

In Tuesday’s “The People In Your Neighborhood” interview, a Starbucks barista who regularly serves Washington Huskies coach Ty Willingham recounted his stormy dissatisfaction with the chain’s new Pikes Place brew. This was based on false information and bad sourcing. A spokeswoman for the UW athletic department released a statement stating that while Coach Willingham is not a fan of the lighter roast, he recognizes that the baristas can only do so much with the quality of beans available to them. We regret the error.