Pat White. Thursday night. Louisville’s defense. This could get ugly.

THURSDAY NIGHT LIGHTS
LOUISVILLE at WEST VIRGINIA (7:30 ET • ESPN)
The classic “Time Machine” game: West Virginia is still a frontrunner, and even Louisville is still technically alive in the Big East at 2-2 in the conference, but this barely consequential showdown bears no resemblance to the clash of unbeaten, BCS-bound titans it was last year, or that ESPN no doubt expected again. In lieu of far-reaching national ramifications, prepare thyself, viewer, for pointless hype of Pat White and Steve Slaton directed at certain individual awards, and at least two replays of a certain play that propelled a certain color announcer to said award more than two fucking decades ago, and some pro scout drooling over Brian Brohm moments before he’s intercepted for severely underthrowing an open man.
Watch for: End zone angles of West Virginia’s unearthly blocking, opening mile-wide lanes against overpursuing defenses since 2005. Also: Noel Devine, who will do something completely jaw-dropping in place of Slaton in the second half, because that what Noel Devine does.

Provincialism: Tennessee State at Samford (6:00 ET, ESPNU), TCU at BYU (9:00 ET, Versus)

TGIF, UNLESS YOU HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO THAN WATCH…

RUTGERS at ARMY (8:00 ET • ESPN2)
Our brave future fighting men have played one much stronger team tough at home each of the last two years  –Iowa State in 2005, Texas A&M last year – but still carries something like a twenty-eight year losing streak against winning teams. I didn’t look that up, but you’ll hear the real number at the first sign of Rutgers distress Friday, and then a few times again until RU lays down the hammer. But make no mistake: sooner or later, the hammer will be laid. Army is sloooooow. Watch for: The play Army safety Caleb Campbell hits Ray Rice so hard his helmet pops off, and Rice is revealed to actually be a fifty-story-tall monster made of flames the Black Knights must work together to slay before they can graduate to victory, aka an extended tour in Afghanistan.

(Yes, I know that was a Marines commercial, but they’re all shooting at the same targets. Anyway, the Army monster as personified by Ray Rice is way bigger).

Provincialism: Fordham at Columbia (7:00 ET, YES), Bowling Green at Eastern Michigan (7:30 ET, ESPNU)

SATURDAY – EARLY AFTERNOON: THERE IS A RACCOON. FLUSH HIM FROM THE WALL IN TIME FOR…

Main Course: Michigan at Wisconsin (Noon ET • ESPN)
P.J. Hill may not play, meaning the Wolverines may have to actually hit a moving target, a tall task to date for this particular version of the Michigan D. Then again, the Badgers ran for all of twelve yards without Hill at Ohio State last week and have allowed an average of 221 yards rushing to the last four non-MAC offenses they’ve faced, three of them in losses. So Mike Hart’s ankle does not necessarily need to be 100 percent. Watch for: Okay, like, this may not be a big deal for Midwesterners and other Northern types, and there’s all like global warming and whatever, right? But for those of us who grew up sweating in the desolate Southland well into the Fall months, even a glimpse of snow on the tube is an exotic, vicarious thrill. Football in a blizzard? We don’t want to be there, we just want to see it. The game’s already an instant classic. OMG hi-def snowstorm! The god who denies us this seasonal pleasure is a cruel numen indeed.

On the Other Channel…
WAKE FOREST at CLEMSON (Noon ET • ESPN2)
Impromptu Geico trivia: which one of these teams still has a chance to catch Boston College in the Atlantic division? Answer: both of them – the Deacons and Tigers are 4-2 apiece, though Wake is eliminated by tie-breaking procedures if B.C. beats Maryland Saturday. If it wins, Clemson can set up a winner-take-all showdown with the Eagles in Death Valley next week. Watch for: Half of Clemson’s team is knocked out of the game after appropriately-named defensive lineman Jock McKissic loses his balance on the way down the hill during the Tigers’ opening ceremony, triggering a chain reaction that claims the entire starting secondary and most members of the receiving corps. C.J. Spiller is spared, however, by alertly leaping over the entire mass of humanity, performing a double salto with a full twist on the first flip and landing on his feet. Spiller then runs for 274 yards and two touchdowns as part of a five-man offense, only to watch Wake steal the win in the closing seconds (if you don’t think Wake would let a five-man offense hang around for 59 minutes, you don’t know Wake. Last second is just how some of us roll).

Bacher: Works things out, but…does he know how to change?

INDIANA at NORTHWESTERN (Noon ET • ESPN Classic)
What, exactly, is classic about this third tier pillowfight, other than its mediocrity? Both teams are collectively 0-5 against opponents with a winning record; Indiana is already technically bowl-eligible at 6-4, and Northwestern is a win away at 5-5. If the Wildcats win and both teams end up 6-6 (they’ll be underdogs next week against Purdue and Illinois, respectively), both could fall short of the conference’s seventh-place spot in the Motor City Bowl. Hopefully good enough for the Motor City Bowl! Classic! Watch for: Northwestern quarterback C.J. Bacher, whose look is best described as “vaguely Asian,” whose greatest achievement is yet to be seen and who is not afraid to admit that his favorite song on his iPod is Boyz II Men’s “Water Runs Dry.”

TEXAS A&M at MISSOURI (12:30 ET • FSN)
The Tigers offer an interesting juxtaposition for A&M: you have the Aggie offense on one hand, and what the Aggie offense is trying to be on the other. Every positive attribute you hear ascribed to Stepehen McGee during the first few minutes of the broadcast, apply it to Chase Daniel, as well, only for real. You won’t have to do that for very long. Watch for: Dennis Franchione slowly removing his headset, handing off his clipboard, putting his hands in his pocket and walking off the field in the middle of the third quarter following a moment of epiphany. What’s the point, you know?

Provincialism: A rare treat for SEC fans and unfortunate transplants to said territory, who get – count ‘em – not one but TWO! exciting Lincoln Financial options at 12:30: Alabama at Mississippi State and Arkansas at Tennessee. Double the graininess! Double the Yellawood ads! Double the Daves! (You know they’re going to find three more guys named ‘Dave’ for the extra duty right?) Everyone else can pick those games up live via the generous feed on Yahoo! Sports.

Elsewhere: Penn State at Temple (Noon ET, ESPNU), Michigan State at Purude (Noon ET, Big Ten Network), Minnesota at Iowa (Noon ET, Big Ten Network), North Carolina at North Carolina State (Noon ET, Lincoln Financial), South Florida at Syracuse (Noon ET, Metro Atlantic Sports Network/ERTV), Amherst at Williams (Noon ET, Northeast Sports Network), New Hampshire at Massachusetts (Noon ET, SNY…for two other states’ flagship schools?), Villanova at Towson State (Noon ET, CSNA), Kansas State at Nebraska (12:30, Versus), Lafayette at Holy Cross (1:00 ET, CSTV), Yale at Princeton (1:00 ET, YES)

LATE AFTERNOON: KEEP AN EYE ON THE COWS, MA

Main Course: AUBURN at GEORGIA (3:30 ET • CBS)
You may not realize it, but this is the oldest rivalry in the South, forging valiantly into a second century of tradition that would equally horrify both sides of the game’s segregationist founders. It’s one thing to let muscular negroes run the same ball as the white players, but foot-ball without the ceremonial mid-drive heifer rape? The Colonel won’t stand for it! Watch For: Knowshon Moreno, conquistador of homely co-eds campus-wide and the rest of the SEC’s worst nightmare for the next three-plus years.

On the Other Channel…
Your Mouse-Eared ESPN on ABC Overlords Bestow Upon an Unworthy and Grateful Public…
ILLINOIS at OHIO STATE / FLORIDA STATE at VIRGINIA TECH / TEXAS TECH at TEXAS / ARIZONA STATE at UCLA (3:30 ET • ABC/ESPN)

Look at this map and tell me: how did they decide on those precise boundaries in Idaho, Montana and Wyoming for who would get Ohio State-Illinois and who would get UCLA-Arizona State? “Remember, boys, Southeast Idaho, they love ‘em some Big Ten. They can’t get enough. But Montana? They better get the game in L.A. or there’ll be hell to pay, believe you me. And whatever you, do, don’t even think about trying to put on Ohio State in that one little diamond-shaped sliver in Western Wyoming. We all remember the Laramie Riots of ‘92. Yep, live and learn, boys. Live and learn.”
Watch For: The comical contrast of Jim Tressel’s icy resolve and Coach [Redacted]’s goofy pep, ending in a long closeup of one of them fighting back tears as the clock winds down on an afternoon of unambiguous punishment in the fourth quarter. I won’t tell you which one.

AIR FORCE at NOTRE DAME (2:30 ET • NBC)
The Irish are a slight (+2.5) underdog at home, to a physically overmatched service academy that runs the triple option, which makes complete sense to anyone who saw last week’s game. And Jimmy Clausen is back in the saddle for the game that could officially make these Irish the losingest team in school history? What kind of lottery did the rest of the country win? Watch For: Schadenfreude doesn’t die. It multiplies.

Provincialism: Colorado State at New Mexico (1:00 MT, Mtn.), Boise State at Utah State (1:00 MT, KJZZ/KTVB), Connecticut at Cincinnati (3:30 ET, ESPNU), Wyoming at Utah (1:30 MT, CSTV), Furman at Georgia Southern (3:30 ET, SportsSouth), Kent State at Northern Illinois (3:00 CT, Cox Sports-Chicago), New Mexico State at San Jose State (1:00 PT, Comcast/Aggie Vision), East Carolina at Marshall (4:30 ET, MASN, WITN)

HERE COMES THE NIGHT

Main course: Your Mouse-Eared ESPN on ABC Overlords Bestow Upon an Unworthy and Grateful Public…
BOSTON COLLEGE at MARYLAND / KANSAS at OKLAHOMA STATE / USC at CALIFORNIA (8:00 ET • ABC/ESPN)
Oh, read it and weep, folks:

It’s the Kansas-Oklahoma State game you’ve always dreamed of, consumer. No, no – thank us later. Watch For: Visually seeing the final molecules of air go out of Cal’s dream season. Jeff Tedford will try sustaining its last vestiges by holding his breath and puffing out his cheeks, until Pete Carroll claps his hands on either side of Tedford’s face to force out the rest.

On the Other Channel…
FLORIDA at SOUTH CAROLINA (7:45 ET • ESPN)
The Gamecocks have strategically timed their annual offensive revival to coincide with a defensive collapse of potentially staggering proportions, just in time for Tim Tebow, Percy Harvin, Gators brittle young secondary and your staggering windfall on the ‘over.’ Watch For: The tragic destruction of the “Cockaboose Railroad” when the lead cockaboose strikes an absentminded Tebow crossing the tracks prior to the game.

Can nothing stop Tebow’s trail of rail destruction?!

VIRGINIA at MIAMI (7:15 ET • ESPN2)
What’s worse: that the Cavs are in first place in the ACC Coastal with the nation’s 104th-ranked offense, or that Miami still has a chance to catch them with a win? Welcome to the new ACC, baby. Watch For: There is no acceptable reason to watch any game in the ACC, especially one featuring one offense quarterbacked by Kirby “1 of 14” Freeman and another coached by Al Groh. Holly helpfully suggested the following themes:

Sundresses versus hot pants.
Juleps versus 40s.
Maypoles vs. Luther Campbell.
Popped collars versus popped caps.

I don’t think they wear sundresses in Virginia, but whatever a ‘Maypole’ is, with apologies to Luther, I’m there.

FRESNO STATE at HAWAII (11:00 ET • ESPN2)
It’s a midnight tradition: Random West Coast game! Random West Coast game! Watch For: If you can’t drunkenly watch Colt Brennan hang 450 yards on a team you will not be able to identify in the morning before passing out, you are not American.

Provincialism: Stanford at Washington State (3:30 PT, Fox Spors Northwest/Bay Area/Pacific), Baylor at Oklahoma (5:30 CT, FSN), Central Florida at UAB (6:30 CT, CSTV), Washington at Oregon State (7:15 PT, FSN), San Diego State at UNLV (9:00 MT, CSTV)

Southerns think the world revolves around SEC football every day of the week, and for once, they’re right. Saturday serves up three must-see SEC games that easily dominate their respective time slots: Tennessee-Alabama early, Florida-Kentucky in the afternoon, Auburn-LSU into the night. This is, literally, your long-awaited chance to spend twelve consecutive hours with half of the Southeastern Conference. Just remember: even if you make it through this most gruelling tour of the league, you’ll still be a full two teams behind Jenn Sterger’s half-day record.

Six teams from the same conference in one day? I signed up for a challenge!

TGIF, UNLESS YOU HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO THAN WATCH…

LOUISVILLE at UCONN (8:00 • ESPN)
After losing 17-16 to Virginia last week, the Huskies are one point from a winning record. Louisville is only about sixblown assignments in the secondary away from 6-1. Watch For: Brian Brohm – for all the defensive woes, with his back against the wall at every turn all season, is still the best passer in the country.

SATURDAY – EARLY AFTERNOON: THERE IS A NEW RADIOHEAD ALBUM. FOR FUCKING FREE. DOWNLOAD THAT SHIT BEFORE…

Main Course (SEC Only): TENNESSEE at ALABAMA (12:30 • Lincoln Financial)
CBS apologizes, nation, but golf or kids’ shows or local infomercials or whatever it’s showing at noon Saturday (whatever it is, you won’t find it on the network’s primetime only schedule) is worth more to it than shuttling a pair of announcers down to Tuscaloosa for one of the best secondary rivalries in the SEC (that is, between teams with other primary rivalries, not between their respective defensive backfields. Not that that a slap fight between Simeon Castille and Jonathan Hefney wouldn’t be more interesting than Mr. Popiel or the ubiquitous Orange Clean guy). The immortal Daves get to flub their way through a non-snoozer for a change, their homespun, aggressively lo-def incompetence again enthralling a region; for the rest of the country, the joys of the SEC – that is, endless redneck jokes depressingly reinforced by crowd shots – are reserved for Gameplan subscribers only. Watch For: Spills! Chills! Impending medical bills! From the man who brought you Gainesville ‘05, Baton Rouge ‘05 and Gainesville ‘07: The Reckoning, it’s Erik Ainge on the road!

On the Other Channel…
PENN STATE at INDIANA (Noon • ESPN)
Indiana’s only national appearance will bring out the weepy angles for fallen coach Terry Hoeppner, only amped up by the 5-2 Hoosiers’ emotional quest for a bowl game and the sobering contrast of Zombie Joe across the way, who will never die. Watch For: Indiana quarterback Kellen Lewis, a lankier, more accurate version of Juice Williams: he leads the Hoosiers in rushing while also sporting a 30:13 career TD:INT ratio, even if defenses of Penn State’s caliber have tended to leave him curled up in a defensive ball.

Kellen Lewis: vows to defend precious young brains of Indiana students against rampaging JoPa at all costs.

IOWA at PURDUE (Noon • ESPN2)
Two weeks ago, these two teams’ stocks were rocketing in opposite directions, with the Hawkeyes getting waxed at home by Indiana and Purdue enduring the second half onslaught of Notre Dame’s lone competent offensive outburst of the season. I think that sentence speaks for itself. Watch For: Defenders in the trail position for three straight hours. Iowa looked terrific against Illinois’ option game, which presented little downfield passing threat and failed in the fine zook tradition to line up properly on the one instance it connected on the long ball, but Curtis Painter and Co. offer no such luxuries. On the other side, Purdue’s defense is Purdue’s defense. Also: Pam Ward, natch.

(Aside on Ward. I just want to note that this article from the Washington Post in March praises her dutiful trailblazing in the booth, then includes this line:

One of Ward’s biggest fans is Mike Patrick…

This explains so, so much.)

OKLAHOMA at IOWA STATE (12:30 • FSN)
OU transitions from Texas and Missouri to…Iowa State, which provided fodder for Texas’ second half comeback narrative in a 56-3 smashing in Ames last week. Only five more years to go until ISU celebrates a solid century since its last conference championship, a tie for the 1912 Missouri Valley title. As a grandson of a now-deceased alum who wasn’t even born then, I’ve already RSVP’d: washing my hair that night… Watch For: The best team in the Big 12 against the worst. What could be more exciting?

Provincialism:Texas at Baylor (12:30, Versus), Army at Georgia Tech (Noon, Lincoln Financial), North Dakota State at Minnesota (Noon, Big Ten Network), Northern Illinois at Wisconsin (Noon, Big Ten Network), Central Michigan at Clemson (Noon, ESPNU), Miami, Ohio at Temple (Noon, ESPN Regional/Sports NewYork), Cincinnati at Pittsburgh (Noon, Altitude Sports and Entertainment), Wake Forest at Navy (1:00, CSTV), Grambling at Jackson State (1:00, ESPN Classic)

LATE AFTERNOON – BUSHY. WET. NOT AS FUN AS IT SOUNDS.

Main Course: FLORIDA at KENTUCKY (3:30 • CBS)
Kentucky shouldn’t have to prove anything at this point, really, and even though it probably does for the stubborn minds who still think “Scoreboard: TILT” when they see the Wildcats, this is the worst time for it to do the provin’. Auburn, Florida and LSU can all attest this season: you don’t want a tough game in this league the week after playing in a tight, physical battle of wills. Especially when, like the Wildcats last week and UF Saturday, the opponent’s had extra days to rest/prepare. Watch For: Tebow vs. Woodson: thoroughbreds in the Bluegrass State. Get it? Seriously, Tebow took Show behind Street Sense in May. He would have won, but he was late out of the gates for anointing a wayward mare with oil after he converted her and delivered her healthy filly after a torturous labor. Little Off Tackle Left is gonna be a champion some day…

On the Other Channel…
MIAMI at FLORIDA STATE / MICHIGAN STATE at OHIO STATE / CALIFORNIA at UCLA / TEXAS TECH at MISSOURI (3:30 • ABC/ESPN2)
ABC’s regional option will send most of the country to Michigan State at Ohio State:

Gaze upon your fate.

…and thus will also bear witness to the flashing neon upset bid of the day, brought to you by Allstate and AFLAC, who remind viewers to ignore the other one. Watch For: Javon Ringer, DeSean Jackson, everything about Texas Tech (especially the outrageous line splits) and…and…for the first time in my life, I can’t think of a reason to watch FSU and Miami. The East Coast always gets screwed with the ACC matchup.

SOUTHERN CAL at NOTRE DAME (3:30 • NBC)
By all rights, USC should win this game by at least nine touchdowns on its worst day, in the rainiest, most unkempt field conditions, with any of its blue chip golden children playing quarterback. The fact that I don’t have any confidence in the Trojans to win this by more than, say, 17 points is an indictment to just how lackluster they’ve been. Watch For: Grass so tall, bushy and wet, USC’s entire team will wonder how Paris Hilton ever managed to get inside a Catholic facility. Also: I’m so legitimately down on SC, it feels like it’s time for one of those “Magical Afternoons” every bad team gets against a good one. That’s not a “winning afternoon,” mind you, but it is probably an interesting one. For a while, anyway.

Provincialism: Wyoming at Air Force (2:00, Mtn), Mississippi State at West Virginia (3:30, Sports New York/ESPN Regional), Georgia Southern at Appalachian State (4:00, Mid-Atlantic Sports Network), Buffalo at Syracuse (3:30, ESPNU), NC State at East Carolina (4:30, CSTV), Stephen F. Austin at Texas State (4:30, FSN Southwest)

The Wild Card. KANSAS at COLORADO (5:45 • ESPN)
South Florida’s demise from the realm of the unbeaten leaves Kansas as the only true ‘Cinderella’ in the field, but that’s only because five of its six wins have come courtesy of Central Michigan, Southeast Louisian, Toledo, Florida International and Baylor. Colorado beat Oklahoma. This is DIVISION I FOOTBALL, BROTHER! We don’t play Baylor! Actually, Colorado does play Baylor – CU won last week in Waco, 43-23 – but you know what I’m saying: when it comes to Kansas, Mark Mangino is fat. Watch For: The off chance, however infinitismal, that Dan Hawkins challenges Mangino to join him on or in training for his half marathon, or better yet, to race around Folsom Field in lieu of overtime. If soccer can scrap its entire game to launch penalty kicks to decide a winner, college football can send morbidly obese coaches on wind sprints. Makes as much sense as putting the ball on the fucking twenty-five.

HERE COMES THE NIGHT – NO REST FOR THE WEARY.

Miles lunges for the patented “grip ‘n gnaw.” He likes ear.

Main Course: AUBURN at LSU (9:00 • ESPN)
Just like Kentucky, LSU has to be completely spent coming in here, off two straight emotional, draining finishes in consecutive weeks, and just four weeks removed from playing South Carolina in another “Game of the Week” atmosphere – this is the fourth time in five weeks the national spotlight is on Les Miles’ Tigers. Tommy Tuberville has a fantastic record against teams ranked this high, but since winning big in Baton Rouge in 1999 against Gerry DiNardo’s last team, he was 0-2 in Tiger Stadium against Nick Saban’s teams and lost to Les Miles’ first squad in overtime in 2005. Only the latter required a team gynecologist to accompany the quarterback on the trip. Watch For: It’s Auburn-LSU, legislatively mandated in both states to end – with all due controversy, where applicable, pursuant to Amendment 7-3-e, aka the “Hodson Clause” – via the most over-the-top melodrama possible. This is usually one of the five or six best games of the season: the last three have been decided by a combined eight points.

Calling this game: Mike Patrick, who’s a big fan of Pam Ward. And Britney Spears, but mainly Pam Ward.

On the Other Channel…
MICHIGAN at ILLINOIS (8:00 • ABC)
Michigan thinks it’s back after thwacking Purdue in the Wolverines’ venerable Purdue-thwacking tradition, but we don’t really know until we see the allegedly rehabbed M defense get back in the water against the athletic, spread option scheme that’s plagued it for years and drove this season to the brink of oblivion in the first two weeks. And I don’t mean just sticking a couple toes in – that’s what Northwestern and Eastern Michigan were for. Juice Williams and Rashard Mendenhall are real. It’s time to break out the cannonball on that shit. Watch For: It’s one of your last chances to see super hobbit Mike Hart as a collegiate. Appreciate his unstoppable piston leg drive while you still can.

VIRGINIA at MARYLAND (8:00 • ESPN2)
Did you know these two teams are a combined 10-3 with wins over Rutgers and otherwise unbeaten UConn? And they’re 4-1 in the ACC after each hung on to beat Georgia Tech in the game’s dying seconds? And the offenses are ranked 108th and 90th in total yards? You didn’t? Would you like to trade lives? I saw it in a Judge Reinhold movie. Watch For: Both teams appear to be committed to a low-risk, ground-based, defense-and-field position sort of offenses, so, you know, there’s always a chance of cutaways to the cheerleaders.

Provincialism: San Jose State at Fresno State (2:00 PT, Cox Sports Northwest), Eastern Washington at BYU (3:30 MT, Mtn.), Stanford at Arizona (5:00 MT, FSN Arizona), Northern Iowa at Western Illinois (6:30 CT, FSN Midwest), Oregon at Washington (4:00 PT, FSN Northwest), Tulane at SMU(7:00 CT, FSN Southwest), New Mexico at San Diego State (5:30 PT, CSTV)

You know the names now. You know the story lines. You know the records. The time for I-AA body bags is past. It’s time to execute.

TGIF, UNLESS YOU HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO THAN WATCH…

OKLAHOMA STATE at TROY (7:00 • ESPN2)
Quarterback controversy for the Cowboys, who for some very strange reason are on the road against the Sun Belt for the second week in a row: Bobby Reid was Mr. Hype, the blue chip made good as a sophomore, but he was weak at Georgia in the opener and went down last week against Florida Atlantic, briefly ceding the position to Zac Robinson, whose official number according to the NCAA is “#1X.” But Robinson threw for three touchdowns, and Reid may get the quick hook from the lineup if the Cowboys aren’t mowing down Troy pretty quickly. Watch For: Judging from the Trojans’ 49-point yield to Florida in the first half last week, the offensive explosion we’ve been waiting for out of Oklahoma State.

On to Saturday’s feast…

NOON: THERE IS A YOUTH SOCCER GAME. GET THE ORANGE SLICES IN TIME FOR…

Your Saturday morning belongs to this man.

Main Course: PITTSBURGH at MICHIGAN STATE (12:00 • ESPN)
Uh, on second thought, take your time with the orange slices. Pittsburgh is 2-0 thanks to 24-point beatings on Eastern Michigan and Grambling, but Pitt is still beat up, without its best offensive player, still not completely sure who to book for the emergency room play at quarterback, still coached by Dave Wannstedt and still smarting from losing this game big at home last year, anyway. The Spartans are still at least a week away from the soul-crushing disappointment than sets both wings on fire and sends the season hurtling into oblivion. Watch For: The high, high probability than Wannstedt will be forced to turn to the Panthers’ third different quarterback in as many weeks if Kevan Smith is ineffective or injured.

On the Other Channel:
CENTRAL MICHIGAN at PURDUE (12:00 • ESPN2)
See, this is a program decision that pisses me off: it’s not like Central Michigan-Purdue is just a horrible game – both teams were in bowls last year, there’ll be a ton of points – but, you know, it’s obviously secondary to its mediocre competition (Pitt-Michigan State). Meanwhile, the same network is showing one of the three most compelling games of the day, Arkansas at Alabama, at 6:45 p.m., putting it up against the end of Florida-Tennessee and the start of USC-Nebraska, automatically making Arkansas-Alabama the most difficult game of the day to focus on if you have any interest in either of those other marquee games. I’m sure the SEC is not eager to kick off at 11 a.m., and there are contracts, etc. – the Big Ten always has the early games, the SEC always has the evening – but it only makes the best games are unnecessarily difficult to watch. Watch For: A ton of points. If you haven’t seen quarterbacks Curtis Painter or Dan LeFevour (and admit it, you haven’t), both are operating prolific spread attacks against rock bottom pass defenses.

Provicialism: Akron tries to improve on its two-point, three-first down effort of a week ago at Indiana and Buffalo comes off one of the most lopsided wins in school history for a beatdown at Penn State on the Big Ten Network (both games at noon Eastern). Southern-fried Lincoln Financial action gets depressing, even moreso than usual, as participants in both the featured ACC (Virginia at North Carolina, 12:30 EDT) and SEC (Mississippi State at Auburn, 12:30 EDT) games come in close to the frayed end of their ropes already. And though Iowa and Iowa State (Noon EDT) command one of the highest single-game ticket prices in the country, but can only get on the air via Worldwide Also-Ran Versus.

MID-AFTERNOON: DRUM. HAND DRUM WITH ME…

Yes, fans, yes, I hear it. My mitts are twitiching to beat the coffee table into rhythmic submission. It sounds like…

MP3 File

Main Course: TENNESSEE at FLORIDA (3:30 • CBS)
Glad to see CBS and its frantic theme back after taking off the non-conference preliminaries, even if by the second quarter I know I’ll be cursing Verne “I’m Lonely, So Lonely” Lundquist’s desperate, jowel-jiggling catchphrases in between seething anti-corporate tirades directed at the annoying in-game, on-field logos superimposed in the secondary (“Third-and-long, brawt to you bah…Home Dee-po!”). Also good to have the pivotal UT-UF throwdown back in its traditional time slot (”traditional” = “when I first remember watching it,” i.e. the early-to-mid-nineties).

This marks not only the annual elimination game for the SEC East race, but the first time most of the country will see Tim Tebow in a full game as a starter. He’ll be without Bubba Caldwell, and possibly the tendonitis-ravaged Percy Harvin, too, but against Tennessee’s sketchy secondary, the nation expects nothing short of perfection. Watch For: Because your girlfriend wants you to, surprisingly, and not just to ogle Tim Tebow, she promises. Please. Grow up. Because why would she want to spend hours of her day off gazing longingly into the emerald green eyes of some overgrown teen heartthrob whose inarticulate, slightly acne-scarred hunkiness will awaken her nostalgic – as well as, unbeknownst to you at this seemingly comfortable stage of the relationship, increasingly frustrated – adolescent longings, eventually sending her on a downward spiral destined to end on the lurid back pages of Scout.com, thereby bringing the omnipotent wrath of Homeland Security down on your laptop with child pornography charges that you can’t prove you’re not guilty of, resulting in a decade-long, rape-filled prison sentence, a series of ever tighter-fitting ankle bracelets, embarrassing encounters with neighbors and lifelong scorn from tomato-wielding old ladies? You just want to make the love of your life happy, right? [EDSBS legal would like to note that Tim Tebow is a 19-year-old sophomore, and therefore eligible to be gawked at in lewd and inappropriate fashion by adults of both genders. He is also an upstanding and unstoppable citizen. Acts of potential perversion and/or illegality are attributed only to the reader and his/her significant other, who, pursuant to that one video tape you swore would not wind up online, are likely to commit such acts, rather than Mr. Tebow, who is muscular and not into that sort of thing. We regret any confusion.]

On the Other Channel:
OHIO STATE at WASHINGTON (3:30 • ESPN)
Such a volatile investment of the viewer’s time: at once, OSU-Washington could pay off as the most intriguing match of the day, or could go down as you really always knew it would, with the Huskies’ star fading in the grasp of a long, slow 17-6 Buckeye chokehold. Watch For: Every fan owes it to themselves to see the Tebow-esque redshirt freshman Jake Locker, he of the outrageous “messiah” hype from the Northwest, who has lived up to his terrible billing in his first two career starts. Ohio State’s defense allowed 68 yards and three first downs last week – it was Akron, but triple those numbers, and it’s still a dominant performance, which makes this Locker’s “for real?” game for a national audience.

NOTRE DAME at MICHIGAN (3:30 • ABC)
Technically, somebody “has to win” here, but the fates of both teams have been so bad, and are so much worse going forward with a pair of true freshman quarterbacks, and have sustained such misery in their respective fan bases in such a short amount of time, that I’m tempted to predict the same outcome I envisioned for years (before Boston won it) on the occasion of a Red Sox-Cubs World Series: a 3-3 tie deep into the fourth quarter, possibly into overtime, and a devastating earthquake or other disaster cancels the finish. If only I thought either defense was capable of holding anyone – even Jimmy Clausen – to only three ponits. Watch For: Sweet, sweet schadenfreude. An epic afternoon in sadism.

Clausen vs. Mallett. Do we really have to?

TEXAS at CENTRAL FLORIDA (3:30 8 ESPN2)
Of all the games on the viewing slate Saturday, this is the only one that screams “unmitigated blowout.” Watch For: A much better game than anyone expects from an inspired UCF against lethargic Texas, which wakes up sometime in the third quarter to swat away yet another mid-major fly. This is the first game/dedication of the Knights’ new, on-campus Bright House Networks Stadium, and the first home sellout in school history.

The Wild Card
ARKANSAS at ALABAMA (6:45 • ESPN)
You can’t in good conscience turn away from a tight Tennessee-Florida game, but this one has the same level of intrigue, and possibly the same long-term relevance in the SEC title race. Here is our first chance to learn how Alabama is or is not really different under Saban than it was under DuBose-Franchione-Price-Shula, and how Arkansas is prepared to respond to the ridiculous melodrama of its offseason. Watch For: Ostensibly, Darren McFadden and Felix Jones heroically plowing into ten-man fronts, dragging and throwing off tacklers like Uma Thurman cutting down the Crazy Eighty-Eight in Kill Bill until eventually swarmed over by the sheer number of defenders keyed on them. But you also know these are the two craziest fan bases among a paradise of crazy fan bases in the SEC, which makes them the craziest in the country and possibly the world, and if ever something truly bizarre was set to happen – a contingent of Arkansas fans led by Guz Malzahn and Beck Campbell storming the field to kidnap Nutt, an assassination attempt on Nick Saban by a Tider who loved the coach so much he grew to hate him, like Mark David Chapman – this must be that game. I would expect nothing less than a soccer riot, or someone projecting incriminating text messages from Houston Nutt’s cell phone on the Bryant-Denny Jumbotron. Someone in the crowd is going to be arrested, is what I’m saying, maybe a lot of someones, and here’s hoping the Leader won’t have too much dignity to cut away.

EVENING AND LATE NIGHT: WEEKEND AT BOBBY’S

Main Course: SOUTHERN CAL at NEBRASKA (8:00 • ABC)
You’re LOOKING LIVE! at fabulous Lincoln Stadiumm where, thank god, Brent Musburger wont have to deal with any more goddamn hippies in the oak trees!:

No, as we know from T.J. Simers’ in-depth reporting from the Heartland, Nebraska is pretty much only farms and farmers and cows and corn and lonesome highways and, like, actual work and that sort of thing. In fact, there are no trees in the state of Nebraska, naturally, and if there were, the only people who’d be in them are smartass, condescending Hollywood types who got knocked up there after opening their mouths one time too many.

Watch For: The first good look at the USC’s Storm Troopers of Destiny, for one, but also the possibility, however remote, that Simers has to eat his words when he calls the game “a foregone conclusion.” If Bill Callahan can motion the slightly ailing SC defense to sleep, and Sam Keller can repeat the 347 yards he threw against the Trojans with Arizona State in 2005 without repeating the five interceptions, there’s a chance. There’s about an equal chance SC will win by 30, but that should be something to see, too.

On the Other Channel:
LOUISVILLE at KENTUCKY (7:30 • ESPN Classic)
So many points, such little time: Kentucky’s defense ranked 118th in the nation last year and allowed more than 450 yards last week to Kent State; Middle Tennessee score touchdowns on its first five possessions last Thursday in Louisville. The two offenses, meanwhile, have combined for 243 points in four games. Watch For: With eight months to go, it’s still possible to say something like this and it be plausibly true, so I’m going for it: Brian Brohm and Andre Woodson might be the first two quarterbacks picked in next April’s draft. Might be. See? They might. Woodson might have a breakout game in a UK upset, but as the kind of game Louisville’s defense had last week was hardly worse than the norm for Kentucky’s, the draft thing seems more likely.

BOSTON COLLEGE at GEORGIA TECH (8:00 • ESPN2)
A possible preview of the ACC championship (you did know B.C. and Tech are in different divisions, right?) and completely underrated game of the week. Both teams are off to 2-0 starts of dubious merit, because none of the four teams they’ve crushed under their combined boot (Wake Forest, Notre Dame, N.C. State and Samford) have won a game yet. Unless, of course, you count Samford’s two-point victory over Western Alabama, which would be charitable of you, but not very helpful toward assessing Georgia Tech. Watch For: The impact on the ACC race. True to its word, B.C. has opened up the offense under Matt Ryan, where Tech has played it close to the vest with Taylor Bennett in a couple easy, run-driven wins against overmatched defenses. If it can do that against the Eagles – B.C. has allowed 58 yards total on the ground in two games – Tech is the favorite at home.

BYU at TULSA (9:00 • CSTV)
Post-defeat, rebounding could be much easier for BYU without a visit like this, to a quiet team hoping to establish itself as better than just a C-USA darkhorse with a win, even if that win is more likely to be counted against the slumping Cougars than it is to earn reward for a team whose mascot looks like Powdered Toast Man. Watch For: Visual evidence of Gus Malzahn’s insanely up-tempo offensive philosophy at Tulsa, which is very revolutionary, if you didn’t know.

Bobby Bowden. In the Rockies. At midnight. Think a less morbid version of ‘Weekend at Bernie’s’.

FLORIDA STATE at COLORADO • (10:00 • ESPN)
Both of these proud programs are reeling, searching for some sort of identity, but frankly, it’s just a little late in the day to be thinking about that sort of thing, isn’t it? If FSU fans watch this game all the way through, it will be 1 a.m. at the earliest back in Tallahassee before weary handshakes are exchanged; even in the Rockies, it won’t finish until after 11 p.m. local time. But what do you think this, a morning Easter egg toss in the park? This is Division I football, brother, and if you’re not willing to play it into the wee hours with no oxygen, then you can go home. Watch For: Bobby Bowden passing out in the second half. I’m not kidding: he’s in his late seventies. He’s in the mountains. He’s up way past his bedtime. He’s going down.

Provincialism: Regional Fox networks out West are clogged with 10 p.m. games, so ignore this if you’re east of the Rockies: Idaho at Washington State on FSN Northwest, San Diego State at Arizona State and New Mexico at Arizona on FSN Arizona, San Jose State and Stanford on FSN Bay Area and, earlier in the evening (6:30 EDT), Idaho State at Oregon State on not one but two FSN affiliates, FSN Northwest and FSN Arizona. Louisiana Tech visits Cal for an old-fashioned beatin’ on Comcast Northwest. Hawaii is back on the mainland (it never left, actually, after making the 4,000-mile trip for a conference game with La Tech last week) for a game with Hawaii UNLV on the confusingly-abbreviated Mountain West network, Mtn. Back east, so to speak, Duke and Northwestern break out the Hume for the Big Ten Network.