Oh, there’s so much to cover: a Fiesta Bowl liveblog tonight, Oklahoma players “grabbing the chainsaw” by saying Tim Tebow would be the fourth best qb in the Big 12, Boston College displaying excellence in human resources by threatening to fire Jeff Jagodzinski…so much madness to cover, but first one must be in the right frame of mind. And the right frame of mind to consider the final four days of the college football season requires this:

ALL HAIL MIGHTY CATLAB. Your obeisance is required by penalty of death, but is still appreciated.

Football is so easy for Tim Tebow he has played the entire season under a different name for Cincinnati on the offensive line:

(HT: Kevin and William.) This is most likely some giggle-worthy prankdom by Fox staffers, though Samuel Huntington would say that this is actually the Muslim Tebow, and that the two must meet and clash to determine the path of the 21st century because, um…because he said so. Also, if Tebow has been playing offensive line for Cincy and qb for Florida, we know why: his undivided attention would result in a 12 men in the huddle penalty on every play even though there’s only 11 men on the field. It’s just a matter of necessity, really.

…is in.

Screw your “Heisman.” We shall take the prescription of victory, and it will be enough for all of us, Dr. Tebow included. (HT: Caroline, who rules.)

So, Tim Tebow has to walk past a church sign suggesting people pray for him every day, or at least live in a town where someone, presumably in order to catch the eye of parishioners who’d rather head on down to Panera, grab a bagel, and spend Sunday morning doing something else rather than sit in church, puts his name on a church sign to attract attention:

“I’m going to pray that [Tebow] is true to his faith because if he falls and gets caught up in some kind of scandal it will be bad for Christianity,” Brown said.

“I know the story of David, so we know it’s possible for all of us to fall,” Brown said.

If the Crusades and Worship Jamz haven’t done it by now, it’s not going to happen if Tim Tebow gets caught doing anything remotely un-Christian. What will happen is that people who see this will see you as a hucksterish attention whore who uses our beloved weepy baby-rhino in the most cliched and cheap of manners to drive just one more soul into that church and get their tithes. Oh, and that we need to crack out one of the internet’s Bronze Age Classics, the church sign generator, to do justice to other church signs in the college football universe.

(HT: Sports by Brooks.)

Tim Tebow hasn’t led Florida to a fourth-quarter comeback win or won an SEC championship WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM MY GOD?

There’s logical quibbles to be had with the premise–how many sophomore quarterbacks win SEC titles or lead fourth-quarter comebacks to begin with, much less in their first year starting?–but the essence of the thing is an accurate variation on the preseason fluff piece. Tebow good, could be better, Tebow improve, Tebow not care about awards, etc, etc. All true, especially the bit about becoming a better pocket qb. Then again, he’s probably the only junior in the country with a frame of expectations hung around “a.) needs to win conference title, b.) must lead at least one fourth quarter comeback.” (Stafford’s close, but much of the heat is dispersed by proximity to Knowshon Moreno.)

There’s also the issue of metaphorically burying the Heisman, which LSUFreek works up nicely below. Magic trick!

All due apologies to budding superstar Ricky Jean-Francois, who was chosen because he looked like a badass from LSU, and not because we think a Heisman should be slammed up his nose. Oh, and let’s pre-empt the usual list of Tebow-relevant comments, since God forbid an opposing fan admit a player was exceptionally talented.

–”He’s a glorified fullback.” Who completes 66.9 percent of his passes.

–”He’s the best 9-4 Heisman winner evarrr!!!” Totally his fault for not playing defensive tackle.

–”WOOOOOO GEORGIA!!!” You can count! Even with half your population failing to finish high school! Good for you, Chester!

–”Tebow sucks.” Yes, probably the best of the arguments here, since it doesn’t even start with a logical premise, bypasses reason, and instead moves directly to invective. Just go ahead and use this instead of any of the weakling verbiage above.

Jeepneys only look this cool if Tim Tebow has touched them. And Tim Tebow has touched them all.

May 5th, 2017

Dear Mr. Tebow–

I write you today to say thank you so much for circumsizing me. You have had many successes in life but I would like to you know no success you have had is as glorious as that which is mine from you. If you had never to come to my country of the Philippines and the cut the burden of my prepuce from me I know today. Nor would we have ever seen your powerful visage floating three feet above the ground at all times, or watched as you fed the village with Doritos you could pull from your ears seemingly at will.

My penis, following the touch of your scalpel and its decisive cutting of the heinous burden of it from my unclean body, grew to its full potential: a mighty 17 inches of brown power for all the Filipino people to see–in only a day! I could not even attempt to hide it, especially with the perpetual aura of glowing purple light surrounding it, and the constant humming it made from radio signals it picked up from as far away as Brazil. Today, our village dances to the samba! And you are to thank for its rhythms coming to my village.

The blessed size of my unleashed anointed member allowed other progresses for the people of my village, as well: (more…)

USC transfer Emmanuel Moody is having trouble adjusting to the Florida offense. “What do you mean, ‘block for Tebow on every single play’?”

(H/T: The Wiz, of course)

Tim Tebow won the Heisman Trophy this Saturday in New York, an award all but ensuring an end to his lifelong streak of athletic excellence.

“First, I’d like to thank my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ for this award, and for giving me the gifts I enjoyed for so long. Before the awards tonight, I said that you never know when your ability to play the game of football could be taken away from you.”

“Thanks to the voters of the Heisman Trophy, I know that that time is now.”

Tebow could only hold the 25 pound trophy for a few seconds before dropping it. He then asked for some juice.

Tebow, who beat contenders Darren McFadden, Colt Brennan, and Chase Daniel for the award to become the first sophomore to win the trophy, said he plans on entering the clergy now that his career as an athlete is done.

“I’ll follow the example of my boyhood hero Danny Wuerffel and help those less fortunate by preaching the word and working in the community. It would also really help if I didn’t have to throw anything ever again, since I couldn’t toss a sandwich wrapper into a wastebasket with any accuracy now. I would also appreciate not being jostled or bumped.”

A chorus of chuckles rose from the Heisman voters, who included Troy Smith, Gino Torretta, Chris Weinke, and Andre Ware.

“It’s amazing, really, what he accomplished in such a short span of time,” said Eric Crouch, calling from his desk at Ameritrade Omaha. “Excuse me, I’m still at work, and putting the phone down is a complex task I used to perform like it was nothing…but that was before I won the Heisman, of course.” The phone clattered for several minutes before the phone call with Crouch ended.

Tebow’s campaign was, by any measure, an astonishing one: he became the first player to run for 20 TDs and pass for 20 TDs, and averaged an amazing 4.25 TDs a game. Yet even at the ceremony, the rapid dimunition of his physical powers became apparent. See this exchange between Chris Fowler and Tebow:

Fowler: Hey, are you sure you can pick up that trophy with one hand?

Tebow: No, sir, I’m sorry but I cannot. May I please have some help? Suddenly…so…weak…

The well-adjusted Tebow is expected to deal with the change, but past Heisman winners still offered their advice to him as he left the stage.

Charlie Ward: “I blame the Jews for my weakness, along with the ice-cold 2-18 shooting of John Starks in game 7 of the 1994 NBA finals.”

Ricky Williams: “I’d do some yoga, and perhaps some colonic therapy. Oh, and weed. Dude, he’s got to get some weed of the dankest and ickiest kind, and smoke it till his eyebrows fall out. That helps a lot.”

Jason White: “Buy more knee oil. You can never have enough of that stuff.”

Ron Dayne: “Mmmrph arghapgph figfff pizzaaphhh fwnd tpnnnddhhnphhh. I’m sorry, I’ll repeat that. My mouth was totally full when I was talking. I make that mistake a lot.”

Matt Leinart: “He should settle down and have a family, you know. It takes virtually no time off your hands, and when chicks hear you have a baby their panties practically evaporate.”

O.J. Simpson: “I suggest golf…AND DOUBLE MURDER!!! Ha, ha, I’m just kidding. I’m not, actually. I totally killed two people, and I’m not even a war vet or anything. They just let me walk around and shit. It’s UNREAL. Leinart! You said you want Warner done? Okay–I think I can get to him next week, but that’s pushing it. I’m swamped, dude.”

The only two-time winner of the award, Archie Griffin, was unable to comment for this story. Griffin has been on bedrest for 32 years following the awarding of his second trophy, after which he became so weak he could not stand or feed himself. He is said to be happy for Tebow and is also extremely fond of a nice, warm bowl of nutritious chicken broth.

We at EDSBS obviously congratulate Tim Tebow for being so undeniably awesome that even the cataract-eyed Heisman crowd gave him a meaningless award. Darren McFadden, Colt Brennan and the 37 year-old Domino’s Manager living the dream known as “Chase Daniel” also deserve congratulations for attracting the attention of the madding crowd. Badass needs no shiny endorsement, though, as Vince Young will be happy to show you on the day of your choosing.