THREAT CONDITION: McConaughey.
Subject is displaying average intelligence, ability to watch television and read simply written articles in sunlight, is experiencing no headaches, and is walking around everywhere with this shirt off.

Every Wednesday, Chris from Smart Football puts on his sturdiest of work clothes, leaves Brown Manor, and lowers his overall IQ by spending a few moments with us helping the masses understand a bit of actual football through questions submitted by you via our Twitter feed. If you have a question about football strategery, tactics, fluid dynamics, tort law, or orchid taxonomy, please submit them to us at twitter.com/edsbs . Enjoy.

Question from @cdbarker: Is it possible to successfully use two quarterbacks of similar but divergent styles effectively, ie Tate and Denard?

The traditional wisdom — and it is a notion I generally have agreed with — is that having two quarterbacks is a euphemism for not having any. There are a few interesting counter examples, though none are truly compelling, like Mark Richt rotating D.J. Shockley and David Greene, or Spurrier rotating Doug Johnson and Noah Brindise every other play against Florida State. But, generally, it is a bad recipe. There are lots of reasons, but none may be more important than simply repetitions in practice. If you have two quarterbacks the receivers have to get used to both; the gameplan has to be taught in detail to both, film must be gone over with both, etc; and then there’s that old saw about “rhythm” and how it is disturbing with different guys in the huddle. I don’t find those latter ones all that persuasive, but there is at least a little truth to them.

But I think the winds are changing, and a two-quarterback system is quite possible. (more…)

Tim Tebow had a strained back that held him out of contact drills this past weekend. It happened in any number of ways.

–Sprained it avoiding the fevered advances of Gary Danielson in musth.

–Tweaked it while throwing golden calf worshipped by UF MBA students into cauldron of fire.

–Overprayer injury from particularly intense church meeting.

–Recurring soreness from a prior, ill-advised public feat of strength.

–Threw it out after three straight years of making furious love to the game of college football, the only kind of sex he has had.

–Sore from kidney donation to child who would be dead otherwise. No great loss, since Tim Tebow has 4 of every organ, and five if we’re talking about testicles.

–Back is actually broken; listed as probable for all 4 quarters vs. Charleston Southern, then good for rest of season.

–He’s actually fine, of course, even if he is expecting mixed communication from the sidelines this season. “Blended” would have been a better choice of words, but they want you make pretty football, son, not properly chosen words.

–Step two of an arms race with Brandon Spikes for title most outrageously masculine Florida player. Spikes will counter by playing with a falcon on his shoulder; Tebow will counter with eyepatch; Spikes will cut own leg off, adopt pegleg, and still finish second in the nation in tackles for loss.

–Its forceful barbs prevent against any unwanted lusty sitting upon, like a park bench with the anti-homeless bar mounted in the middle.

–It shows up whether he shaves or not, just like the robes and two of every animal in the world sitting in his backyard daily.

–It’s not a beard, it’s a cowcatcher mounted on the front of a pain train.

–He’s growing it for a charity to give new beards to sad old prospectors with facial alopecia.

There’s a new baby rhino at the Tampa Zoo, and travesty already surrounds the process of naming it. Despite Tim Tebow’s obvious similarities to the firefighter of the savanna and his previous title as the Golden Beautiful Baby Rhino of Florida Football (Now the Full-Fledged Man-Trampling Godbeast Rhino of Florida Football,) the Tampa Zoo at Lowry Park has chosen nothing close to our football Lord and Savior’s name to glorify this beautiful animal with a moniker worthy of its blind rage and ability to bowl over other animals with ease.

There are other names, but they all suck massively.

Jaba (jeh-ba)“a flower or hibiscus” Or the Hutt. You don’t want a fatty fatty, frog eating rhino on your hands, do you Tampa zoo? Something every thirtysomething or geek will point to and, in their worst Jabba the Hutt imitation say things like “Jabba no botha!” or other things making you want to toss them into the polar bear habitat.

Jahki (jaan-kee) “of the earth” Too close to “jankety,” our favorite Southernism for “sketchy, fucked up, and ill-functioning.” Certainly not the kind of thing you want to curse a young battering ram with, no?

Jama (jeh-ma) “daughter” Daughter. Too sexist. Why not just go with “kama”, meaning “Thing.” IT’S LIKE YOU DON’T EVEN CARE TAMPA ZOO.

Janya (jahn-YAH) “born of the earth” As opposed to “born in the Dippin’ Dots cooler by the monkey exhibit.” Another statement of the obvious equal to “object” or “animal.” As far as naming goes, it’s like voting “present.”

Jaya (JAY-ah) “victory or victorious” Tebow is in fact a synonym for this, and thus renders this redundant.

Tampa Zoo, add “Tebow” to the list or face the ignominy of having the spirit animal of the finest quarterback in the land wailing sad Rhino tears at not having the same name as his master. That noise you hear in the night? Plaintive wailing towards his keeper 130 or so miles to the north in Gainesville.

See? It can be done.

Something’s been bugging us about any and all commentary surrounding the I-formation in Florida’s playbook, and we have to take a moment to swat it out of the sky like King Kong batting away a hapless biplane.

The I-formation isn’t anything new in the Meyer playbook: it’s been there all along, and was first cracked out at Florida after the 2005 LSU debacle where Chris Leak struggled in the spread, Florida lost despite LSU handing the Gators multiple turnovers, and Urban Meyer cried after the game. (DURRR FAGG KRY!!! There. We said it for you.) Its reintroduction this spring is nothing new for the offense.

It’s not new for Tebow, either: Tebow’s tried taking the ball from under center in previous springs, and encountered the same oddity each time. That oddity? A left-handed qb taking snaps from under center needs someone who can snap the ball left-handed. The angle’s a bit different for both center and qb, and causes a left-handed qb to reset the ball in his hands if the snap’s coming from someone who snaps right-handed.

This is one of those tweaky little football things one would assume is very simple (i.e. Mike Leach’s “I can teach a pro qb to take a three step drop in an hour” thing,) but is actually more difficult than any coach would like it to be. Tebow’s new center this year will be Maurkice Pouncey, who as a new center has quite enough piled onto his learning curve already. Relearning how to snap in the tiny window of practice time available already is likely too much for Meyer to really want to mess with beyond experimentation.

Started every game there last season. Damn you, multiple Pounceys, hole-ridden brain.

(We know as much–don’t seem shocked–via actual football-like sources. Don’t look so shocked. They don’t mind talking to us as long as we’re never seen in public with them, and we pretend we don’t know them in social situations.)

There’s also the matter of fullbacks, h-backs, tight ends, or other people providing the primary block out of the backfield for a tailback. Right now, Florida has no one doing an adequate job out of the backfield for this, meaning the position of the Latsko-back (named for universal football solvent and all-around badass Billy Latsko, who played the position in 2005-6) is empty. Personnel-wise, the I-formation on the depth chart looks less like it’s name, and more like the colon formation: two dots with an empty space in between. (And the results would be appropriately shitty on the field! Hat-CHAAA!!!)

Moreover, steaming along at 40 plus points a game, Florida doesn’t need it. It would allay sub-mongoloid NFL scouts about Tebow’s abilities, but frankly that’s not something a coach should be concerned about if they want to keep their sanity or respect for the rest of humanity. Matthew Stafford is as perfect an NFL prospect as Disco God has every put on this planet: huge, cannon-armed, versed in a drop-back passing offense, and cognitively capable of doing whatever is asked of him re: a playbook. And even he’s getting scrutiny beyond the pale of what might reasonably called sanity.

They’re going to hate him anyway, so you might as well run your offense and let talent and ability win out in the end. The rest will be twirling and prancing to please a critic whose favor you cannot by design win.

Why did Tebow return? To grow a beard and save two of everything from the impending flood.

That is a beard on our blessed Baby Rhinoceros Tim Tebow, and if you look carefully you can discern the stacks of timbers, tar, and assorted animals of the earth. If he’s going to get really Old Testament with it, he’ll get it cranked down to the adam’s apple for the season and play with it for the whole season. Another acceptable variation is the Kenny Stabler Thigh Pad For Special Ladies.

If you’re wondering whether Lane Kiffin has a spot on the ark or not, the answer is no: there’s only room for two jackasses, and letting on a third would just cause problems.

(This development has stunned BGID Clay Travis. The complete ownership of all that he loves by Tebow is now complete.)

Occasionally, even we think the Church of Tebow goes into Cultsylvania. But the chance to put some Tebow in your Tebow was too much to resist, we suppose.

After addressing the crowd and walking to the edge of the stage, he turned around and said, “Oh and by the way, one more thing, let’s do it again. I’m coming back!”

Remember. It’s not gay if it’s with Tebow, who will be back for his senior season. Also: Tebow has to go back to Baton Rouge this season. We wouldn’t miss that for the birth of our first legitimate child, much less anything else.