Jim Tressel is finishing the final leg of his journey home from a worldwide walkabout. He sold his passport for entry into a man-dog fighting tournament in Afghanistan, but borders are but figments of the imagination for the brave and determined.
THE UNITED STATES/MEXICAN BORDER. 9:12 a.m. MEXICAN SIDE
A crowd of migrant workers headed north mills around on a desolate patch of yellow earth covered in scrub. Three sad strings of rusty barbed wire mark the border. There is a sudden stir in the crowd. The men focus on a single hooded figure walking through the crowd carrying a jug of water.
Mexican one: Mira, mira! (points) Es El Escarlata!
In part three of Jim Tressel’s Vacation, a.k.a. Where in the World is Carmen, OhioSanDiego: A cheap, weathered envelope sits in the mailbox in Ohio. It is covered with numerous inscrutable postmarks. Inside it is a simple postcard and a photograph.
A phone rings in a large, darkened house in Ohio. A worried looking woman picks up the phone.
Woman: Hello?
Man’s voice on bad, third-world connection: Hey, honey. It’s Jim.
Woman: Jim…just tell me you’ll be home soon.
Man’s voice: Oh, sure sweetie. But you know I have to do this every year, and I have to do it alone.
Woman: I know…I just worry.
Man’s voice: Don’t worry about me, sweetie. Say hello to the poodles for me.
Woman: I love you, Jim.
Man’s voice: Oh, pooky, I love you too. See you in ten days.
[he hangs up. The wind howls indifferently outside.]
SCENE: The high plains on the Bamiyan Plateau, Afghanistan. Desolation. An encampment of tents surrounds a single well on the blighted landscape. SHEIKH MASOOD reads from the Chinese menu in his hand.
MASOOD: There’s no way they will deliver us our food out here.
Enter Masood’s second-in-command, AHMAD PASHTO.
PASHTO: But they promised delivery, no matter our location?
MASOOD: We shall wait another three days, and then cancel our credit cards.
Jim Tressel was asked about whether the inclusion of Terrelle Pryor at all limited what the Buckeyes could do on offense. The answer, presumably a simple one, instead revealed the soul of a man who both knows his limitations but embraces them as strengths.
“I’m not looking to have the biggest package in the world,” Tressel said. “I’m looking to have the most effective one. Give enough so you apply pressure to the preparation of the defense, but do it well enough so that you’re really applying pressure.”
An assassin like me only needs a dagger, baby.
Remember: winning the Tressel Way means using the most effective package, not the biggest, meaning he never really thought Santonio Holmes was that essential to the offense, and that he’s talking about football…but could be talking about his penis at the same time.
Today, in our endless guest columnist series, we have Ohio State Jim Tressel here to answer your questions about love, life, and yes, football. Take it away, Jim!
Thanks for the introduction, Orson. I appreciate the opportunity to interact with your readers. Let’s get right to those emails.
Dear Coach T–
My portfolio is heavy on AIG and Lehman Brothers, as well as others who invested heavily in the subprime real estate market. Should I diversify?
–Sweating in Sandusky
Hello Sandusky! While I’m not a licensed financial planner, diversification’s never a bad thing. You should consider investing in the American manufacturing sector, which will bounce right back once people figure out that foreigners can’t make things properly. You can quote ol’ Jimmy T: the American worker is the best worker in the world! Consider textiles especially.
The American Manufacturing Sector: as timeless as the Buckeye offense, buddy.
Dear JT–
A few weeks ago I noticed a small lump on my arm. It looks like one of my moles has grown to a horrendous size. It bleeds constantly, and last night it started smoking and emitting a smell of brimstone and rotting cabbage. Should I see a doctor?
Scene: an unnamed Latin American urban center. Raw sewage flows through the gutters. A hopelessly beautiful child is held at gunpoint by armed thugs who, in addition to being evil for holding up a little girl with an AK-47, are ugly and wearing ugly clothes.
Bandito: And now, amigos, we’ll see if the girl gives up the candy!
Girl: Chinga te, cabron!
The girl kicks the bandito in the balls. He crumples. She runs, and turns down a dark alley. The gang scrambles after her. The alley runs into a dead end. The girl stops, her face lit dramatically from above.
Bandito, limping in: And now, chica, I will teech you sohm reeespect!
A wiry, handsome form comes into the frame behind the bandito. It is BROCK CARDINAL, ex-Navy SEAL, Congressman, and former car thief and chemist. (more…)
In a swift response to the outcry surrounding Ohio State University’s decision to do away with a seniority-based system for allotment of alumni football tickets in favor of a lottery, the school is asking its former students to step into the spotlight. An Ohio State University Alumni Association announced this afternoon that it would be instituting a merit-based system and awarding the vast majority of its available seats for conference games to winners of the Brent Musberger’s Balls Memorial THAAAAH BUCKEEYYYEESSSH Spirit Pageant and Covered Dish Supper, to be held on campus the last week of July. The contest is open to all Ohio State University alumni and members of their immediate family. Below, the frontrunners for all major categories:
Lead Pipe Twirling: Priscilla Abernathy, 10, Upper Arlington
The pageant’s youngest entrant hopes to prove to her father, Dillard, that even lacking the requisite chromosomes she can be the son he told her he always wanted. She wowed judges at last April’s Columbus Cotillion with her deft handling of even the rustiest metal shards.
We slammed a fifth of Powerthirst after waking up this morning, and the Curious Index is now the FURIOUS INDEX! Thus, it’s only fair we start things off with something satisfyingly harsh, like Pantera in front of tens of thousands of angry Russians. Mind the language, of course, but it’s likely your boss might care a bit more about the fact that it’s Pantera than if an F bomb gets dropped. Plus you can’t even understand any of the lyrics anyway.
Who the hell is “Terrelle Pryor”?: Recruiting minutia for those of you who care about this stuff… some Pryor kid, who seems more interested in basketball than football, has committed to the “University of Ohio State.” aren’t they in the MAC or something? Regardless, we expect this to have absolutely no effect on the college football world for the next four-five years. None whatsoever. We’re certain that Michigan faithful would rise up with pitchforks and torches and throw Rich Rodriguez into Lake Huron in 2010 anyway. Anyway, worst kept secret turns into not secret at all, and the other members of the BXI now have their excuse why they plan to lose to Ohio State 90-0 for the next four years.
June Jones cares about defense, pants: An alert reader sends us this tip:
But here was the big surprise — June Jones was coaching the defense. Seriously. I expected him to be right behind the quarterbacks talking to them about everything, but instead he had a notebook in his hand and after each play he’d flip it open and show something to the defense — I’m guessing a formation he wanted them to line up in. He even lined up as the right end a few times and at the snap would take a couple of steps into the backfield, like a rusher.
Picture evidence, which is too large for the constraints of this site, is here. There is no denying, now, that SMU is controlling Jones like Scientology. First, the clothes: Jones, who used to dress like a bad mix of a Jimmy Buffett fan and Bernie Focker, is posing in suits with the SMU brass. Now the former Hawaii coach thinks he’s a defensive guru. Don’t be surprised when, by July, Tom Cruise hears June’s name, thinks he’s a girl, and instinctively gets him pregnant.
Did we say “aggravated murder by arson?” We mean “misdemeanor.”: Charges against a Penn State player have been dropped. No, this is not a repeat. This time it’s Tyrell Sales, cited last Saturday for hollerating, and charges have now poof disappeared. This follows a long line of exorbitant Penn State charges that haven’t even come close to sticking, which just goes to show what happens when you hire Fericito as your attorney general. The Big Board will reflect the adjustment, assuming it was ever changed in the first place.
Did you have a good day with your bracket?: Yes, so did everybody else. It’s not like you had Georgia in the Elite 8 or any… oh God, you did, didn’t you. It’s okay, you didn’t need that money. Your wife can live off canned food for a while.
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Orson Swindle and Stranko Montana are two men pushing thirty who should know better than to run a college football blog, but evidently don't. Both graduated from the University of Florida, and both agree that college football is far too important to be left to the professionals.
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