Perhaps we should scale back our plans for a fifth home with custom space elevator. Rich Rodriguez–or someone on his behalf–will pay West Virginia University the entire sum of $4 million dollars in damages related to his departure for Michigan this past January. The deal allegedly specifies how much Rodriguez will pay, and how much “someone else” will pay–presumably a man or woman named “Michigan Someone.”

No, you’re buying lunch this week.

Rodriguez, aside from now helming the Tiffany Program of college football, has to think of this as a loss, but perhaps should have seen this coming when one element of his legal defense was “I was, as a grown-up, enlawyered man, tricked into signing a large contract.” Some degree of pardon should be reserved for Rodriguez, though: the minute anyone gets involved in a legal tussle over lots of money, everyone in the room stands on their hands, puts glasses on their taints, and begins speaking directly through their assholes for the duration of the discussion. It’s called a legal shitfight for a reason.

The U will have their U. An agreement has been reached between Dolphin Stadium officials and the University of Miami to put the logo “U” on the field for ‘Canes games in their new home in Miami. No word whether stadium officials will back up toilets and have sketchy locals outside parking cars on top of each other in forty square foot lots to make ‘Canes fans feel comfortable during games.

Clemson and Alabama’s tattoo wars set up for an epic battle in Atlanta. Hopefully we can get photos, but we know some LSU fan will top both by having a full bodysuit of purple and yellow stripes done to top the competition. Tip: save money on the yellow ink by developing a nice case of jaundice. Given the way we’ve seen LSU fans guzzle booze at games, this shouldn’t be too difficult.

Hey, look! An inspirational story defying stereotypes! deflated. Who likes that? Journalistic fail: you’re supposed to confirm what everyone thinks about the world, regardless of the evidence! Run along and do that, young typesmith!

If you didn’t listen last night, stop by iTunes and search podcasts for “EDSBS Live” to listen to Phil Steele download one micron of his brain capacity on us last night. More than ever, we’re convinced he just sees green showers of ones and zeros when he watches football.

Listen here. We’re off to do lines of fish oil and Provigil just to keep up.

Today prepare to have your mind blown. Phil Steele will be on with us at 8:30 EST on EDSBS Live. If you only listen to one show this entire year, make it this one. Phil Steele was, is, and will remain our last and best hope against Skynet.

PHIL! STEELE!

steele-intro2-1

His mind will suck the paint off your house and give your whole family a permanent orange afro: Phil Steele.

Florida State offensive lineman Evan Bellamy will miss the entire 2008 season with a blood clot in his leg. This takes ten starts off the line’s overall experience tally, thins out an already scanty Seminole line decimated by suspensions for the first three games of the season, and confirms that having a blood clot–medical terminology here–”sucks.”

The bone lives, per SMQ, so we’ll assume it’s true. Modified wishbones, flexbones, and triple-options backfields disguised under new formations? It’s 1992 all over again! Home Alone 2! It’s nuts!

The Paul Johnson experiment remains a bold one, and one that if successful, will undoubtedbly be copied relentlessly in one adulterated form or another, because if the NFL is the league of imitation, college football is the midgets/giants scenario where one genius thinks of something and fifty other schools half-assedly adopt it as part of their bouillabaise offense.

We took out the same ad, but instead of “kiss” we used “kill with our mind.” Don’t make it easy for Georgia fans, Techies. Just don’t. However, this may replace the one joke they can remember about each fanbase, meaning a refreshing change from the usual ARP! ARP! ARP! tickle party jokes. JORTS! ARP!

His expectations are a bit low, we think.

McCarty said he hoped the ad will turn the tide and change the fact that he’s never had a girlfriend.

Now, McCarty spends his college days studying finance and hopefully McCarty will get his happy ending.

Oh, sneaking a happy ending joke in there–Fox never fails! A hand job is a modest goal indeed, especially for any college environment, where the low self-esteem, sleep deprivation, and surging hormones insure that even English majors get the occasional night of futon-breaking passion. To be fair, though, a stiff breeze breaks most futons, so save the braggadocio for the time you and your girlfriend forced a fault line to shift or something else of that scale. (HT: Paul and Kyle.)

We’ll take the test this morning, and in short, we are frightened if SMQ only got a fifty-five. On the heels of discovering we couldn’t run under six seconds in the forty, June and July are truly becoming the months of enforced humility. (Dodd? 46; Oops Pow? 55. Blogfrica, what!)

Steeletide, little doomed one-legged Tim, is the second happiest day of the year: the day when you, the college football consumer gets in their hot little hands the most extensive and punishingly data-riffic college football guide on the planet: Phil Steele’s College Football Preview.

Dictated–no, really, it is dictated–by Phil, it is the compendium of every division one football team broken down into units, rosters, tendencies, exhaustive stats on win streaks, record on grass versus turf, and everything everyone else will mostly be regurgitating up over the next nine to ten months anyways. It’s also great for your marriage.

Wife: Honey, what do you think? Should we plant bell peppers or tomatoes?

You: Mark Richt is 25-4 in opposing stadiums.

Wife: I don’t think you heard me, did you?

You: Utah has the second longest bowl winning streak. It stands at 7 games now.

Wife: YOU DON’T REALLY WANT TO HAVE ANOTHER BABY, DO YOU?

You: EVEN IN A FRUSTRATING YEAR USC OUTGAINED CONFERENCE FOES BY 157 YPG?

Wife: STOP SPEAKING IN ACRONYMS!!!

It should pop up on newsstands shortly, but a sneaky peeky inside this year’s mag in no particular order:

1. Nothing’s changed. Yay. Same infinitesimally small 6 point type. Same arcane system of acronyms. (Hey, there’s a glossary. Nut up, lazy readerperson.) Same eight sets of power rankings determining his conference picks. Same=good in this case, of course, since this now constitutes the highlight of our offseason and is also responsible for the serotonin bump we’ve been surfing like the Poraroca for the past day or so.

2. Number one? Oh, Christ: Florida. The 2008 preseason top ten, according to Phil, follow:

10. Penn State.
9. Georgia
8. USF
7. Missouri
6. West Virginia
5. Clemson
4. USC
3. Oklahoma
2. Ohio State
1. Florida

Phil’s counting on the “and now, a miracle happens” argument with the talented but scorchy young defensive backfield shaping up for the Gators. Being skeptics, we don’t wager on the sun rising, and anyone picking our team to finish first therefore gives us methy shakes. He bids large on Oklahoma, too, probably the more sensible pick in the Big 12 given the sudden evaporation of defense in conference, the Sooner’s mammoth offensive line, their solid array of offensive talent, and everyone else going gonzo by leaning on other wise merely good Texas Tech for their Big 12 pick.

Seeing Georgia that low–do not grok, not at all. We would point out, though, that Phil sees them to be a likely national title contender. USF seems a bit high, too, especially with their offensive line struggles and over-reliance on Matt Grothe. Any inclusion of Clemson in the top ten willingly omits their astonishing consistency over the past decade in losing at least two games they should walk away with each year.

3. Notre Dame, up. Ditto for North Carolina, Pittsburgh, South Carolina, Miami, Mississippi, Maryland, and Arizona, of all schools.

That’s all we’ll divulge, though if we were to actually convey one percent of the information in the guide we’d overload our server. Buy here or on newsstands next week, or in a bookstore if your town doesn’t have bold little scamps in half-pants and suspenders hawking newspapers and Life magazine on every corner. It’s JAMPACKED WITH INFORMATION, and even in all caps this is an understatement. Own it. Know it. Meld your flesh with it and become one with it.

Trev strikes back! Trev thinks Notre Dame recovers this year, which along with Phil Steele picking them as one of his most improved teams means you’ll get the floating head of Tom Hammond haunting your dreams with “WAKE UP THE ECHOES” for only the rest of the offseason. If the Floating Head of Tom Hammond haunting your subconscious isn’t enough, perhaps the thought of us having Phil Steele’s 2008 Guide To College Football before you do will make you writhe in sufficient agony.

(Florida? Number one in the SEC East? You’re killing us with high expectations, Phil. More on the goodness tomorrow.)

Speaks, writes, emits information at a startling rate: whatever you call what Phil Steele does, it’s ramping up for the release of Steele 2008. (Per his website: June. You can usually find a few copies ahead of schedule on stands, and then call friends and bark at them incoherently with excitement. They’ll get used to this after three years or so of these calls.)

He has comparative strength of schedules tables up based on last year’s winning percentages, and they’re further proof that the less you pay attention to winning percentages in terms of where you put teams in your preseason, the better.

1. Georgia
2. Florida
3. Arkansas
4. UCLA
4. Alabama
6. Auburn
7. Ohio State
8. Kentucky
9. Colorado
9. Baylor
9. Washington
9. Ohio Oregon State.

Que pobrelito, Baylor: you’re the econ major who, through some trick of malicious scheduling, has stumbled into an advanced price theory class in your first semester. Georgia is set up so well for this year: coming in they have the awe-inspiring schedule, meaning their first real foray out of the south, interstate rivalry with a feisty Tech team, and SEC schedule have them stocked high from the onset. Coming out of the schedule, they can still have one loss (a la Florida in 2006) and may still have a legitimate nod over an undefeated team with one loss leaving the season because of THE SCHEDULE, which will be typed in all caps due to its importance in shaking out where Georgia is when the season finishes.

(Barring Knowshon being kidnapped by FARC rebels, this won’t happen. We haven’t saved up quite enough money to make this happen yet, but we’ll keep you posted.)

BTW, Iowa claims the 95th weakest schedule by winning percentage going into 2008. Ferentz Silences Doubters With Football Renaissance. Thought we’d just type that for the six to ten sportswriters who will have to write that same inaccurate wretched story come November or December of this year. Just cut and paste it, guys!

PHIL STEELE!!! GIMME A FUCKIN’ SIREN!!!!!!!

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

When: 7:30 Eastern, 4:30 for all you angels on the West Coast.

Where: At NowLive, where you can chat with each other and the show hosts throughout the broadcast in the online forum (type quickly or die!). To phone in to the show, just call (310) 984-7600.

Who: Phil Steele, football monk and forecasteer supreme. You. Are. Not. Ready.

How excited are we? Like, Go! Team excited.

The four questions for tonight:

1.Game you would sacrifice your firstborn to the gods for this year.

Florida/Tennessee. Pure, intoxicating hatred we happily spike ourselves with every September.

2. Game NOT involving your team you’d sacrifice something to the gods to watch…

Right now we’re high on the Nebraska/USC game, which (of course) is the same day as the Tennessee/Florida game. So how bout the first Tuberville/Saban Iron Bowl? That’s got to be worth a prize chicken or two thrown onto the sacrificial altar, no?

3. Name three college football gods right now
coaches, players, mascots, etc…

Sunday Morning Quarterback, Urban Meyer, and Darren McFadden.

4. Who’s the sexiest god/goddess?

Trick question–Lemmy! In all serious unseriousness, we’ll go with Kali: unstable, violent, often depicted as quite curvy in her gentler forms, and has like a zillion arms. Those would have to come in handy at crucial junctures in Business Time.