UConn @ Loovll

HOLLY, IRRATIONAL: Connecticut, based on absolutely nothing but fresh affection for the Huskies, owed entirely to this. Let this be the first of a trend. Let player blogs sprout across the land. (Let Jonathan Crompton’s be titled “Alone (in the pocket) Again, Naturally.”)

ORSON, IRRATIONAL. When Baylor almost pantses you, you deserve to lose said pants to someone in need of a fine pair of pants. Like Steve Kragthorpe, who wandered sad and pantsless through most of 2007 and for the first game of 2008, but lo! Kragthorpe and competence are not speaking, but they’re texting, keeping tabs on each other on IM, you know…just feeling each other out. And in search of pants. [/noideajustguessing.]

UNC @ Miami

ORSON, TOTALLY RATIONAL. UNC would have been an underdog here with T.J. Yates at qb, but with redshirt freshman Mike Paulus starting the ‘Canes beastly line and Blulk (Allen “Black Hulk” Bailey) ripping through the offensive line, the beleaguered Paulus only hope is to take ample dives in the pocket just like his brother would. Did. Whatever.

Blulk. Move, get out the way.

HOLLY, QUASI-RATIONAL: ‘Canes. They haven’t beat anybody, not really, but can Rutgers really be counted as a quality win for UNC? Until I’m proven wrong by a scoreboard I’m going to believe Miami’s finally onto something here.

Ole Miss @ #4 Florida

HOLLY, QUASI-RATIONAL: Florida’s offense and the Tebow Child haven’t exactly been themselves, but it’s everyone else’s job to stop then and no one’s managed. Ole Miss held Vandy to just over 200 total yards last week, but only scored 17 points of their own. It wasn’t enough then, and it won’t be enough tomorrow.

Orson, IRRATIONAL. Because Urban Meyer has done nothing all week but talk about his team not scoring points, meaning he’s had them locked up in cages with minions tossing lit Black Cats and Screaming Chasers at them for days now. When they emerge, look for a period of sluggish play as they adjust, possibly even giving up a long TD to one of Ole Miss’s speedy receivers Mike Wallace or Dexter McCluster(fuck). Then, once their eyes adjust to the sun, well, it’s Flower of Alachua County singin’ time.

“Bold hearts and nodding plumes wave o’er their bloody tombs,
Deepeyed in gore is the green orange and blue tartan’s wave,
Shivering are the ranks of steel dire is the horseman’s wheel,
Victorious in battlefield Scotland Florida the brave”

Tennessee @ #15 Auburn

ORSON, QUASI-RATIONAL. It would be nice to ape the theory that Phil Fulmer always brings his team back from the brink of disaster, but experience tells us that sometimes they’ll just lay there and pant heavily. (See: 2005.) The better math is to use a different theory: that Daniel Cobb, Brandon Cox, and Chris Todd are all the same person, a theory proposed by Cuddles Swindle that we believe is one hundred percent true, and that like them their rag-armed passes will get thrown into the waiting arms of Eric Berry, and that this is even more likely considering Tony Franklin has said he’ll call even more passes this week than against LSU.

I’ll kill you for telling my secrets, Swindle! KILL, I SAY!

HOLLY, QUASI-RATIONAL: Tennessee has an oddly consistent history of outperforming expectations, but it’s accompanied by a history of competent quarterbacking and playcalling, so pretty safe to say we’re breaking new ground here. It’s a dark day when I’m not looking forward to an SEC matchup in the melodious care of Uncles Verne And Gary, but an afternoon of them shaking their heads in disappointment in the booth as boys in orange are picking their teeth out of the grass at Jordan-Hare? No, thank you kindly. Don’t let them see us this way. Give this game to Raycom and let us focus on mocking the camera work instead of Tennessee’s “offense”. (Auburn, obvs.)

#25 Fresno State @ UCLA

HOLLY, QUASI-RATIONAL: Bad for the resume: Fresno State gave a real fight to Wisconsin and then sleepwalked (sleptwalk?) through Toledo. Bad for humanity: UCLA allowed Mike Stoops to win a football game. Like, convincingly. This one’s not rocket surgery.

ORSON, IRRATIONAL: Because Rick Neuheisel was beginning to tug at the heartstrings a bit, and fate won’t let us feel pity for him that long. Also, because we sort of suspect Fresno State isn’t that great.

Colorado @ Florida State

ORSON, IRRATIONAL: Florida State, but only because we imagine another boomlet of “here’s the Seminole Comeback!” before they inevitably choke in three or four more games down the line. At least that’s what the sadist in me wants, since it’s so much more delicious when they think they’re hope.

HOLLY, IRRATIONAL: Colorado, on account of unpleasant flashbacks at the thought of Florida State being a contender again coupled with extreme fondness for typing THE MAJESTIC BUFFALO in all caps, all the time.

Purdue @ Notre Dame

HOLLY, IRRATIONAL: A guy in my history class junior year once interrupted a lecture to ask about the origins of Purdue’s mascot. The legendary Dr. Wheeler replied, “You should know what a Boilermaker is, son. You consumed enough of them before entering my classroom.”

ORSON, QUASI-RATIONAL: Someone pointed out to us that Notre Dame is just running the Jeff Bowden offense now. If you didn’t die at the cutting shiv of truth contained in that, Notre Dame fan, then nothing may kill you. Purrrrrdue.

Missy State @ #5 LSU

ORSON, QUASI-RATIONAL: [EXTREMELY ACCURATE DEPICTION OF GORE CONTAINED WITHIN CENSORED DUE TO BEING FOUL AND REVOLTING ENOUGH TO CAUSE SPONTANEOUS TONGUE-SWALLOWING AND AUTOGOUGING OF THE EYEBALLS.] LSU.

HOLLY, QUASI-RATIONAL: The SEC West is kinda scrummier than usual, innit? There are few constants in college football, fewer still this year, but Death Valley holds fast.

#22 Illinois @ #12 Penn State

HOLLY, IRRATIONAL: Penn State. Watching Zook’s hewn jaw clench and unclench on the sidelines is good clean fun. Watching JoePa lose a game is kinda the same as watching him win a game—wincing on his behalf with every motion of every limb. Hard to enjoy.

ORSON, IRRATIONAL: Revival redacted: the loss of Rashard Mendenhall has all but ended any consideration Illinois really had as a Big Ten contender. Now, they’re basically Indiana with a bit more talent on defense, and a slightly less accurate quarterback under center.

#8 Alabama @ #3 Georgia

ORSON, QUASI-RATIONAL: Georgia, if only because of their consistency and the three to four terrifying moments in the game when John Parker Wilson will be asked to do something.

HOLLY, IRRATIONAL: Georgia. Please. In the name of interesting television, let that black-shirted defense force Das Saban to put this game in the hands of John Parker Wilson, and let nature take its course.

Georgia Tech at Boston College

HOLLY (QUASI-RATIONAL): What do you call it when you’re picking a team for completely unsound reasons but they’re the better team anyway? I like Georgia Tech because I also like yelling, “BEEEEEEEEEEES!!” on a crowded sidewalk, but that doesn’t mean I’m wrong.

ORSON (RATIONAL) Tech by creeping strangulation. Even against Jacksonville State the flexbone moved with grinding, almost infuriating pace, like some kind of giant horseshoe crab filterfeeding its way down the field, except that this horseshoe crab could occasionally make huge leaps, so really, it’s like a tarantula in armor, but underwater, and…goddammit, just take Tech and Dwyer, and add in Tech’s defensive line to pressure BC’s suspicious passing game into mistakes. Money spent on the Tarantulaleapingcrab-Bot is money well spent.

Southern Miss at Auburn

HOLLY (QUASI-RATIONAL): Southern Miss is plucky, upstartish, moxiefied, and fresh from knocking off Louisiana-Lafayette. This will not save them. Auburn has the devil’s own luck when it comes to close games, but they don’t need it this week. (The chop blocks will continue, y’know, to stay limber.)

ORSON (QUASI-RATIONAL): Southern Miss to cover, but Auburn will pull this out despite some horrific staggers because, after Chris Todd puts them in danger of an upset he will save them from all evil by boldly handing off to Ben Tate and Brad Lester. If you have not seen Brad Lester run: he kicks up his knees to mid-stomach on every stride, making tackling him in close quarters as appetizing as bringing down an Emu at a full run. Emu knees for the win, since we’re so big on transmogrified animal metaphors today.

San Diego St. at Notre Dame

HOLLY (IRRATIONAL): Because I had a perfect record in picks last week until MY OWN SCHOOL torpedoed me, I’m allowing myself one PureSpite (patent pending) upset pick to meet my emotional need for suffering in others. The Irish are going down like sweet muffins. (Please?)

ORSON (IRRATIONAL): OH set forth the banners flying and send telexes to the relative potentates! Don your short tie, place your hat upon your head as a gentleman would, and catch the early train bound for South Bend to watch OLD NOTRE DAME and the floating, seventy-pound head of Tom Hammond plow one of the ten worst teams in all of college gridiron creation.

Note: not because Notre Dame is good, which we don’t know, or because San Diego State is bad. (Which they gobsmackingly are.) Mostly because we’ll do anything to get the mesmerizing head of O’Brien Tom Hammond off our television screen, and an early Notre Dame lead means clock running and a quick game.

Like Harvey Birdman if he were a Mexican street hustler/exotic dancer.

Oregon St. at Penn St.

HOLLY (IRRATIONAL): I’ve tried everything—hypnotherapy, electroshock, black tar heroin—but there’s absolutely no way, empirically, that I could care less about this game, barring Paterno cannibalizing an errant receiver on the sideline. Penn State. I mean, I guess.

ORSON (IRRATIONAL WITH CAPITALS WTF) Sometimes, you drop your pants and make the revolution happen. In a weekend where only the personal blood is on the line with Miami/Florida, you have to throw a few molotov cocktails around to keep things interesting. See, I’m a man of simple tastes. I like gunpowder…and dynamite…and gasoline! Do you know what all of these things have in common? They’re cheap!

Air Force at Wyoming

HOLLY (QUASI-RATIONAL): The Falcons had 508 yards of offense in their season opener (against something called “Southern Utah, but still, god bless the Mountain West). Wyoming had problems putting away Ohio (not the good one). Advantage: Air Force.

ORSON (QUASI-RATIONAL): Air Force runs the triple option with streamers and bells on it over Wyoming with gleeful ease. While we are not aware of any serious research on this issues aside from eyeing the box scores and saying, “Wow, you barely beat a Frank Solich Ohio team,” there is also the issue of critical escalator shortages in Wyoming, which just has to have something to do with their football difficulties as of late.

W. Virginia at E. Carolina

HOLLY (QUASI-RATIONAL): Pat White is a machine. And he’s getting smarter. [SFX: CHCH-CH-CHCH. Metal skulls and glowing red eyes appear on the horizon.] He also piloted much of last week’s offense on the strength of his passes instead of his twinkle toes. East Carolina’s no Villanova, but neither are the Mountaineers the Hokies. West Fuckin’ By-God Virginia FTW.

ORSON (QUASI-RATIONAL): East Carolina–not Eastern as we usually insist on calling it for Junior Corso points–enjoyed the privilege of facing Sean Glennon at quarterback last week. This week, as our colleague pointed out, they will be facing Pat White, who is to Sean Glennon at qb Jennifer Lopez’s 2000-level back-bumper is Lara Flynn Boyle’s buttular concavity: an entirely different species capable of performing witchcraft, serving as an air-traffic controller without wearing a headset, and currently serving as Minister of Culture in several African nations. Couches, ignite!

J-Lo, Stuff Magazine, the frilly rumba panties: Pat White’s that kind of quality at qb.

Arkansas vs. UL-Monroe

HOLLY (IRRATIONAL): Bobby Petrino makes this face when his team is in trouble that looks like he’s trying to clench a hot lump of coal in his ass. We get to see that face a lot. But not tomorrow. Hawgs (sp?).

ORSON (QUASI-RATIONAL) Arkansas big, but ugly, in the kind of way someone can become filthy wealthy, garner massive success, and still purchase a PT Cruiser because “It’s campy.” No sir, it is not. It is a Geo Metro covered in extra plastic. We may have found our metaphor for this year’s Arkansas team, a big, drive blocking lummox of a team going through it’s first week of kung-fu class under a very unpleasant and demanding sensei. Pain training continues.

Miami (FL) at Florida

HOLLY (QUASI-RATIONAL): Gators over ‘Canes, again just for showing up to the stadium. Reformed MIA, you begin to bore me with your “suspensions” for “violating team rules.”

ORSON (IRRATIONAL BLIND HOMERISM): Florida, if only because Miami’s got 13 freshmen on the two-deep and nary as senior to be found. Still, we’ll believe they’re dead when flames go out and we see the bones. Shame has no date of expiry:

Stanford at Arizona St.

HOLLY (IRRATIONAL): Programming note: I’ll be pulling for Arizona State the rest of the season, if only to prevent any more shots of Rudy Carpenter in HD looking like the subject of a botched-kidney-operation reality show. (Fridays on FOX.)

ORSON (RATIONAL) Arizona State, since Stanford’s all blitz-wacky and Arizona State spent the better part of the offseason running screens and quick hitters to keep Rudy Carpenter from peeing his very favorite kind of urine, blood. Lyle Moevao was pressured into grievous mistakes by the Cardinal, but he also made some dunderheaded ones himself that Rudy Carpenter will not make under pressure. Remember: Rudy Carpenter doesn’t make too many mistakes, mostly because he spends the majority of his games lying on his back holding in the tears.

Texas at UTEP

HOLLY (IRRATIONAL): Aww, hey there, Colt! Sleep well? What’s that? You want to play like a quarterback this season? Good on ya. Hook ‘em.

ORSON (QUASI-RATIONAL): Texas by miles and miles and miles and miles. Unless gunfire from nearby Juarez wanders over and nips any of the Longhorns’ starters, we’re looking at one of the more lopsided, gutted, bombed-out and depleted matchups of the weekend. UTEP, who at one point claimed to have “Carson Palmer’s brother” playing qb, lost to Buffalo this past weekend. When you put both Buffalo and Texas on the Winnar bench, you truly have diversified the degrees of suck in your possession.

Really, don’t even tune into this one. You think you like to see people on fire, because it’s funny in movies and stuff. Then you really see it, and well…it’s funnier. We mean not at all. Yes.

Our Wednesday profile piece on Mike Patrick described his hobbies as baking, reading the early poetry of Wordsworth, and rubbing his dirty underwear on public drinking fountains when no one is looking. One of these is inaccurate; we regret the error.

A Monday night editorial took the position that University of Florida quarterback Tim Tebow would make a terrible companion in an adventure film, as his do-gooder nature would press him to ensure that any treasure discovered under the sea/in the desert/in the jungle would make its way to the descendants of worthy indigenous peoples and not to finance a sweet houseboat. Upon being informed of Mister Tebow’s medical prowess, however, it is the position of the EDSBS staff that his skill in dressing and suturing field wounds would prove invaluable and that his squinty blue eyes would look totally boss gazing into the distant sunset on the one-sheet. We regret the error. He’s so dreamy! In an unforgiving, all-slaughtering Christian gladiator kind of way–ed.

Tuesday’s Curious Index identified the Zodiac Killer as former UCLA coach Terry Donohue. This is inaccurate, as we all know it was Lil’ Red. We regret the error.

Because man is the most dangerous animal…

Wednesday’s bulletin stating that the Iowa Hawkeyes have canceled spring practices was inaccurate. The management, while standing by our reporter’s account of empty locker rooms and silent practice fields, concedes that it is possible there may exist players not yet arrested or dismissed from the team, perhaps frightened by strangers into hiding under benches. We regret the error.

A dispatch from South Carolina’s spring practices on Thursday stated, “There is evil there that does not sleep. It is a barren wasteland, riddled with fire, ash, and dust. The very air you breathe is a poisonous fume.” This is a passage from J.R.R. Tolkien’s The Lord Of The Rings, and was improperly attributed to the city of Columbia instead of the hellish inferno of Mordor. We regret the error.

Mordor’s architecture is far superior. We regret the error.

In Tuesday’s “The People In Your Neighborhood” interview, a Starbucks barista who regularly serves Washington Huskies coach Ty Willingham recounted his stormy dissatisfaction with the chain’s new Pikes Place brew. This was based on false information and bad sourcing. A spokeswoman for the UW athletic department released a statement stating that while Coach Willingham is not a fan of the lighter roast, he recognizes that the baristas can only do so much with the quality of beans available to them. We regret the error.