Who knows what Edward Britton did: improperly handled a yardarm, cut a doubloon too skinny for the cap’n’s liking, or perhaps dipped his wick into another swabby’s wench’s personal pitch-bucket…the list of potential violations of the pirate code is a lengthy one.

Fortunately, we don’t have to guess wildly: Britton, the number one receiver on Texas Tech’s depth chart with the departure of Michael Crabtree, was not holding up his end of the student/athlete bargain with his scholarship providers at Texas Tech. The student part, mostly. Therefore, Leach forbade him to practice on Friday and took the already demoted Britton and made him study on the fifty yard line for an hour and a half after practice in thirty degree weather.

Leach even had a desk brought out onto the double T at the fifty for Britton thus confirming that Leach is kind of an asshole when he wants to be, albeit in a cheeky, ninja professor kind of way. (Anyone who’ll ring up fifty frequently on opponents has to be, but add this to the pile of complimentary evidence.) All this for sacrificing his sure academic footing for an easy thrill [/henriducard'd].

“Ed didn’t like showing up and studying at places I felt like he needed to and like the academic people asked him to, so he can go study out there on the 50-yard line,” Leach said. “We’ll take baby steps, and if he does good studying out there, we’ll decide if we’re going to actually let him practice.”

Britton did make it through the entire 90 minutes, thus doubling the amount of time we actually spent studying in college. We congratulate him on this accomplishment, and on Mike Leach for confirming that he is secretly Ras-Al-Goul, and trains his quarterbacks to throw to not five men, but to five hundred, and to become more than a man in the eyes of their opponent. (HT: Dan.)

Torrey Davis, the Florida defensive tackle knifing in on the fourth and goal stand there, is not dead, booted off the team, bolted at the ankle to a tutor, or any other such foolishness as you may have heard. According to Jeremy Fowler of the Orlando Sentinel, Florida is not giving up on Davis, even though he’s in some kind of unspecified trouble of the sprained cerebrum variety. We will now give you the fair and balanced evaluation of such a case as viewed through the complete spectrum of sports blogging.

Pro-Florida: Urban Meyer’s not just about scoring on the field. He wants to make sure his players cross the goal line in the classroom, too.

Anti-Florida: Urban Crier just cain’t stop cheatin’ ARP! Top one percenna one percent my ass!

We congratulate our program for boldly demonstrating love and patience with a powerfully built, shockingly agile young man with academic issues. S-E-C! S-E-C! S-E-C!

“To me, Joe Paterno is the Brett Favre of college football.”

To us, peanut butter is the Brett Favre of condiments. Now, jelly is Tom Brady, because he’s smooth, but not like the Brett Favre of flowering trees, the Tulip Poplar, which is kind of like the A-Rod of small African Countries like Burkina Faso, which is nothing like Blue Diamond Rice/Almond Crackers, which are the Bret Favre of snack crackers FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE .

Favre.

Fixed. Giggity.

I asked my father if the goat was “fixed,” and he said, “Son, ain’t nothing in this world that can fix a cantankerous goat or a laudanum-sippin’ woman. Except by violently throwing them off the roof.” That’s why I like to fix things.

[stares, attempts to spellbind audience.]

6.022 � 10 to the 23rd power. That’s Avocado’s Number.

[empty stares]

GIGGITY!

I also like teaching people to finish. When Casey–er, Jevan Snead throws away an orange juice bottle, he needs to finish throwing away that orange juice bottle. And when I say throw it away, I mean reach deep down in that trash can and make sure you get it all the way down in there with the trash. You can’t just float it on top. The wind could take it.

Then your trash has become garbage. And we don’t tolerate garbage here at Ole Miss. So get your hand in there with the diapers and the dirty needles. That’s how you win.

Needles. Diapers. Finish.

[Stares, attempts to spellbind audience]

HOOGITY BOOGITY NOSFERATU CANDANGIT FIGGITY BORACKUS MCCLAGGLEY OOGITY BOOGITY!!!

[silence. stares.]

You know what I like about Jerrell Powe?

[gestures with thumb on top of fist. squints.]

HE’S QUALIFIED GIGGITY GIGGITY GIGGITY!!!!

[thunderous applause.]

I am appalled by this, and by my maid’s ineptitude, as well.

Point: Athletics Are Dangerously Compromised By This New Ruling and I Am Appalled By This.

As a prominent local businessman and graduate of the University, I cannot state strongly enough how appalled I am by the new policies regarding academics and athletes. I, like anyone else, enjoy watching my team play competitive football on Saturdays, and pay good money to the athletic department for a modest fifty-seat box, personal champagne bath to watch games from, and make sure that despite sending my children to private schools, they understand and appreciate the traditions of college football by attending games at my alma mater.

Excuse me.

Consuela! If there’s dust on the mantle like last week I will be very, very displeased! La migra! you understand that, don’t you? LA MIGRA VIENE AQUI! Rapido clean-o, por favor.

I apologize. You see, this is a slippery slope for we fans of the game. Where do we draw the line? At actually funding public schools that fail these non-qualifying recruits from day one? Preposterous. I live in a rural county. Do you know what it would take to educate these people? Hammers and cookies, that’s what, and my dollars and cookies aren’t paying the tab, buster. I pulled myself up by my own bootstraps without a football scholarship, and I’m sure that with proper management of their inheritances and trust funds, you’ll find they can too.

If anything, non-qualifying recruits are living proof that our public schools aren’t failing, but working. A good student in a nice public school already survives countless trials my children, for example, do not enjoy the privilege of surviving, like choking on the mysterious gray cheese on their pizzas, for example. At a bad public school, though, only the fittest of the fit survive. Can your child ace an essay test with a shiv stuck in their side, or conduct a full chemistry experiment using only a lighter, a bottle of Robitussin, a coffee pot and some ammonia? I didn’t think so.

Non-qualifiers have only themselves to blame, and football does not need them to succeed.

CONSUELA! THE BLINDS! DO I HEAR INS? RAPIDO LIMPIO, CHICA!

Counterpoint by Radio: YAY I KEN PLAY FUTBAL!!!

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YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!

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HAPY TIME HAPY TIME! GIMME HATBOX GO HIT!!!! YAAAAAAAYYYYYYY SEEEEECCEEEEE!!!!!

FUTBAL!!!!! GO TALK FIRNDS AT AOL NOW! NO LOGON!!! I’VE GOT MAIL!!!!! YAYYYYYY!!!!

Keenan Jones of Hawaii has been arrested and charged with unauthorized entry into a motor vehicle and second-degree assault. The two counts are both felonies, and total seven points for Hawaii in the Fulmer Cup. Seven, you ask? Why add a bonus point on top of the three points a piece for the felonies? As usual: style, sir, sheer inescapable style, brought to this case by the inclusion of some low-quality PPV pr0n.

A court document on the latest charges noted “the catalyst” for the domestic problems between the two stems from Jones allegedly using the woman’s cable provider to rent 13 porn movies resulting in a bill of over $300.

Lady, you don’t understand: this is how the deal works. Keenan gets porn, you pay for it, and when you complain about it, I shut a door on your toes and break two of them, because your bill must be mistaken. And those charges must be from your chick movies like August Rush and shit, because everyone knows porno is free–you press a button and it just shows up there on the tv. Amy Adams, though…damn. That girl can play Keenan’s cello anytime. Or share the couch with me when I crack out the butter churn and get to work on the couch, which I would do with a towel under my ass just like a gentleman would. That’d be some positively Enchanted shit there.

OSU fan: Our starter was suspended! There was a fifty day layoff!

(Repeat until stupefied.)

Starting cornerback Donald Washington and backup Eugene Clifford will miss the game for “violating team rules,” a nod to likely academic problems and nothing of the Fulmer Cup variety. Redshirt freshman Chimdi Chekwa will start in his place, who LSU offensive coordinator is looking at as if he were a pork chop with legs.

Donald Washington: out for title game.

Remember the good times? There’s nothing keeping you away except you and your dignity.

FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS
NEVADA at NEW MEXICO STATE (8:00 ET • ESPN2)
It’s a WAC game of no consequence whatsoever, even by WAC standards – both teams are eliminated from the conference title picture – so why not have one of those 59-57 barrages? It should be a law, really: the number of punts in any televised WAC game shall be no greater than the combined number of I-A wins between both teams. In this case, that’s five. Watch For: Admit it: you miss Hal Mumme, don’t you? It’s okay: it’s Friday night, it’s in New Mexico, it’s ESPN2…he won’t tell anyone.

SATURDAY – EARLY AFTERNOON: THERE IS A BODY. DUMP IT IN THE RIVER BEFORE…

Main Course: PURDUE at PENN STATE (Noon ET • ESPN)
It’s a virtual lock the winner here will be in one of the Florida bowls on New Year’s Day, which says nothing, really, except that there will be some really sketchy quarterbacking on display in January. Do not be fooled by Purdue’s “high-powered” offense, which has tended to find the deepest hole it can find against competent defense for the last three years or so – the Boilers were averaging 30 points before they were shut out by the Lions in West Lafayette last year. Watch For: Flashing back to his duty in the final days of World War II (this is true), JoPa mistakes the “bombs” Curtis Painter is spraying around the Penn State secondary for that agonizing night in the leaning shells of old farmhouses outside Bondeno in ‘45. Massacre ensues.

On the Other Channel…
IOWA at NORTHWESTERN (Noon ET • ESPN2)
One of these teams currently has a winning record. Can you guess which one? I didn’t think so. Watch For: Iowa quarterback Jake Christensen, coming one of the truly, stunningly horrible performances in the history of winning football after last week’s double overtime win over Michigan State. Christensen completed three passes in regulation for 24 yards, but didn’t throw an interception, which is like the quarterbacking version of playing dead. It’s all about adapting and surviving, man, adapting and surviving.

It’s just a highly evolved defense mechanism – Christensen doesn’t really throw.

NEBRASKA at KANSAS (12:30 ET • FSN)
The Callahan Death Watch limps into its final excruciating month in need of a good mercy killing: at 4-5 with three games to play, Nebraska is technically alive for a bowl game, even with a defense that just gave up 319 yards rushing at the Beaver Crossing First Presbyterian bake sale and a first time starter at quarterback. At some point, backups can only provide a spark – you know, the team can hardly play worse under Joe Ganz – but he’ll be a minor here if the ex-Blackshirts are competent enough to cover the 20-point spread. Watch For: Last week, it was the velour track suit. This week, Mangino goes for the lucky lederhosen.

Provincialism: N.C. State at Miami (Noon ET, ESPNU) . . . Wake Forest at Virginia (Noon ET, Lincoln Financial) . . . Ball State at Indiana (Noon ET, Big Ten Network) . . . Wisconsin at Ohio State (Noon ET, Big Ten Network) . . . Kansas State at Iowa State (12:30, Versus).

(A brief word to the Big Ten Network: I understand your contractual obligations to get teams onto BTN a certain number of times, but fuck you for picking up Wisconsin-Ohio State and sticking the rest of the country with Iowa-Northwestern. This is quite the boon a wounded conference was looking for, I’m sure, hiding a mythical championship contender in one of its three marquee games of the season on a regional network while trotting out the play-in game for the Music City Bowl for everyone not living next to a Great Lake. Or is it better voters not actually see Ohio State in its only pre-Michigan game worth watching? Go to hell. And if you don’t live in the Big Ten zone and you’re getting Wiscy-OSU by some means other than basic cable, you go to hell, too. We don’t want to hear about your fucking packages.

Oh, and it’s Northwestern: the Wildcats are 5-4. Iowa’s double overtime win over Michigan State last week left the Hawkeyes sitting at 4-5).

LATE AFTERNOON: VIVA HATE!

Main Course: LSU at ALABAMA (5:00 ET • CBS)
Bizarre start time for the Eye, about an hour and a half later than usual, all the better for the fan base that mobbed its new coach’s private plane and showed up 90,000 strong for the Spring game to get in that extra flask before filing in to its seats violently storming the gates to sate the entitled bloodlust that’s possessed the blackest corners of its soul since last December. This game could mean more, if both teams were undefeated or something – in SEC play, anyway, both are only an overtime loss away from 5-0, and a wild last minute drive from being 3-2 – but between coonasses, fucking rivals and the division title, there is epic theater in the works. Watch For: Well, damn, even Nick Saban has time for this shit. There are wilder environments than Bryant-Denny, but with an infusion of revenge and bourbon-filled Louisianans, under the circumstances, it should be transformed into the unpadded batshit madhouse of the season.

On the Other Channel…
Your Mouse-Eared ESPN on ABC Overlords Present…Regionalism!
CINCINNATI at SOUTH FLORIDA or MICHIGAN at MICHIGAN STATE or TEXAS at OKLAHOMA STATE or UCLA at ARIZONA (3:30 ET • ABC/ESPN)

One way or another, most of the country will be seeing Michigan-Michigan State, which is good and right: a legitimate, hate-filled rivalry between decent teams, neither of which is UCLA nor Arizona. The programmers guessing at the beginning of the year that Bruins-Wildcats would be a better draw for this slot than Devils-Ducks should be summarily sacked – Arizona? – not that anyone off the West Coast would be able to see the latter under these conditions, anyway. It probably worked out for the better, actually. Great job, guys!
Watch For: One of your last chances to see Chad Henne and Mike Hart as Wolverines. Truly, through the decades, they have been the voice of an entire generation.

NAVY at NOTRE DAME (2:30 ET • NBC)
Whatever the losing streak is now, 40 games, 45 games, this is it for Notre Dame. The last possible shred of respect it can salvage is to win the frosted dessert course of its schedule (in November, the Irish get Navy, Air Force, Duke and Stanford) beginning with the Middies, if for no other reason than to say “At least we didn’t lose to Navy” and avoid another billboard advertising this team’s historic futility. Watch For: Unparalelled potential for schadenfreude, and because you love the triple option, don’t you, seaman?!

Provincialism: Colorado State at BYU (Noon MT, mtn.) . . . East Carolina at Memphis (2:00 ET, WITN, WLMT) . . . San Jose State at Boise State (1:00 MT, KTVB 7) . . . Buffalo at Miami, Ohio (3:00 ET, Ohio News Now) . . . Army at Air Force (1:30 MT, CSTV) . . . Marshall at Central Florida (3:30 ET, CSS Southeast) . . . Maryland at North Carolina (3:45 ET, ESPNU).

THE WILD CARD
ARIZONA STATE at OREGON (6:45 ET • ESPN)
Even the most cynical hats must be doffed to the Leader for saving the game of the day from regional oblivion, even if kickoff here is inconvenient for anyone more interested in LSU-Bama. The second half of this one ought to get much better ratings than the first. Watch For: If it’s not enough of a draw to watch two high-scoring, top five teams hook up with the highest conference and national implications and coaches who are liable to stagger in as sloshed on the Nike dime as the Sig Eps in the stands, at least give a fair shake to Dennis Dixon, the most overlooked candidate for certain unnamed statuettes. Oregon has to remain a national contender for his campaign to gain any traction, and vice versa.

HERE COMES THE NIGHT

Main Course: Your Mouse-Eared ESPN on ABC Overlords Present…More Regionalism!
FLORIDA STATE at BOSTON COLLEGE or TEXAS A&M at OKLAHOMA or OREGON STATE at SOUTHERN CAL (8:00 ET • ABC)

Almost two-thirds of households nationally will see Matt “Roller Coaster” Ryan try to keep his lunch down against Florida State, while viewers attempt to keep their own lunch down watching the ‘Noles’ pathetic attempts to execute anything on offense. Even FSU’s lone interesting player, Xavier Lee, has succumbed to a sprained cerebrum, leaving vanilla Drew Weatherford to fail in far less spectacular fashion. Just for the record: does anybody else get the sneaking sense that, if their teams and coaches were reversed, Drew Weatherford and Matt Ryan are pretty much the same quarterback? Watch For: Independently, DeMarco Murray and Dennis Franchione’s tortured attempts at stoicism in defeat are worth the price of admission on their own. So a certain segment of the country is getting a sweet two-for-one. It’s like Christmas.

On the Other Channel…
MISSOURI at COLORADO (6:40 ET • FSN)
There’s no figuring Colorado out: the Buffs lose at home in the middle of the night to Florida State, then take out Oklahoma on the same field, then get routed in back-to-back games by Kansas and Kansas State, and, reeling in the wake of Sunflower State smackdowns, salvaged the season by whipping Texas Tech last week in Lubbock. Division I football, brother: completely schizophrenic. Watch For: Chase Daniel, who, no, you have not observed closely enough. Everyone has Mizzou figured, but nobody’s doing much about it.

Chase Daniel doesn’t adjust to the altitude. The altitude adjusts to Chase Daniel.

SOUTH CAROLINA at ARKANSAS (8:00 • ESPN2)
It feels like both teams are reeling, but, where South Carolina’s lost two in a row, Arkansas has actually won four of its last five. The problem: those four were North Texas, UT-Chattanooga, Ole Miss and Florida International. Against actual SEC opponents, the Hogs have fallen flatter’n Houston Nutt’s denials re: Donna Bragg. Watch For: Any chance to watch Darren McFadden knife through hordes of tacklers is a precious one, and by all reasonable guesses, this will be one of the last you’ll get on a Saturday.

WASHINGTON STATE at CALIFORNIA (10:00 ET • FSN)
Random Pac Ten game! Random Pac Ten game! Less than a month ago, Cal was ranked third in the country and thinking national championship. Now the Bears are trying to hold on against streaking Wazzu (one in a row, baby!) to avoid a tie for ninth place in the conference. Watch For: The sheer, drunken, bleary-eyed pleasure that comes from falling asleep for whole quarters, then waking up just in time to catch a bizarro finish and trying in vain to remember just which team you bet on, again, before passing out for good. It’s the little things that make it all worthwhile.

Provincialism: New Mexico at TCU (4:30 CT, mtn.) . . . Washington at Stanford (3:30 PT, FSN Bay Area) . . . Southern Miss at UAB (6:00 CT, CSS Southeast) . . . Eastern Michigan at Toledo (7:00 ET, Buckeye Cable Network) . . . Rutgers at Connecticut (7:15, ESPNU) . . . Tulsa at Tulane (6:30 CT, CSTV) . . . Illinois at Minnesota (7:00 CT, Big Ten Network) . . . Wyoming at San Diego State (6:00 PT, mtn.).

Don’t forget to set your clock backs at the end of Cal-WSU, and enjoy that little time warp while you can.

This all comes from WJBO, and is likely close to factual. We’d like to think this account of what happened at the Varsity is just as factual. However, this is the internet, and like Ed Orgeron taking off his shirt and challenging everyone on the Ole Miss football team to fight, it’s at the very least truthy enough to repeat. So remember: it’s not fact, but it’s fact-esque. And that’s awesome enough for us.

Concussed? Sure. Scurred? Hell no, and loving it.

Saturday night, one of the LSU football players was “performing” (rapping) at the Varsity (LSU had a bye last week). So naturally, a lot of the team showed up in support. Xavier Carter, who has found some trouble when hanging out with Odom and Perriloux in the past, was also at the bar that night. Apparently, one of the bouncers there had gotten into a fight with Carter a few years back. There were a few words between the bouncer and Carter, but things eventually died down between the two. However, Odom didn’t want to let things die down. So he’s running his mouth and starting shit with the bouncer as well. Perriloux is there, not stopping things but not backing down either.

At the same time, there were a bunch of local mixed martial arts guys having a party upstairs at the bar. One of these guys was friends with the bouncer, and the next thing you know, you have MMA guys and football players talking shit. From what I heard, the testosterone was through the roof, as you can imagine. So the night ends and they’re kicking people out, and the MMA guy and Odom end up in the parking lot, where the fight breaks out. Needless to say, the MMA guy beats the dogshit out of Odom. Perriloux was supposedly the one who threatened to go get a gun, but when you’re getting your ass spanked by a bunch of steriod junkies who fight for a living, what other choice do you have? (Besides not fighting to begin with, but that’s when you lose street cred, and next thing you know you’re getting raped in prison. And Odom ain’t no punk bitch).

Nope. He may be a menace to public safety and squanderer of a football scholarship to a fine university, but when you willingly take on someone with a neck like watermain and visible backne, you, sir, are no punk bitch. Thick-skulled? Possibly retarded? Cursed with an acute lack of understanding of applying force to the tender, breakable parts of a body in an disciplined rapid fashion? Yes.

Punk bitch, though? No, sir. And Derrick Odom may take that “not punk bitch” status and leave the LSU Tigers holding it proudly. Street value=0$, and exactly several million less than an NFL draft pick’s signing bonus.

HT: W. Brinson.

Channing Crowder honed his tackling skills at Florida by attempting to tackle wild boar on hunting trips. (No, really, he did.) This says much for his gusto for the game, and also seems to speak for his intelligence as a whole, judging from this article in the Palm Beach Post about Miami’s upcoming game against the New York Giants in London.

Crowder, a former Florida Gator and Atlanta native, apparently isn’t sure where the plane is headed when it takes off this afternoon for Sunday’s game against the New York Giants in Wembley Stadium.

“I know (Washington Redskins linebacker) London Fletcher. We did a football camp together. So I know him. That’s the closest thing I know to London. He’s black, so I’m sure he’s not from London. I’m sure that’s a coincidental name.”

There’s far too much to mock here, so we’ll just say it: Florida’s geography department sucks. We blame them, and of course, society for failing to educate this young man, who nevertheless sleeps on a pile of money at night with many beautiful women. And I gladly stand UP! Next to you, Channing Crowder, and defend her still today. Even if you can’t find yourself on a map.

(HT: Darkknight.)

The Body Count for week eight of college football season grows long and fearsome. Tread lightly.

–Tim Tebow is “banged up,” a medical term of great vagueness. It’s his right shoulder, his non-throwing one and the very same one diagnosed by Dr. Gary Danielson on the broadcast. At the rate Danielson’s been making accurate snap calls as the color guy on CBS, we predict that any and all premonitions of the rapture made by him will be one hundred percent accurate. If heard, immediately repent.

–Georgia RB Thomas Brown (collarbone) and Kregg Lumpkin (knee) are both out against Florida. Fortunately, Knowshon Moreno’s been running countertops, so he’s ready, fit, and itching to play.

–Addition! Georgia Tech’s Tashard Choice will miss the November 1st game against Virginia Tech following knee surgery today (Thanks, Asim!). Quoth Chan Gailey: “I’m not getting fired. I’m being ‘voluntarily transitioned’.”

–Nebraska, already taking on water through gaping torpedo holes, takes a few more just below the mizzenmast with linebacker Blake Lawrence (ankle) defensive lineman Brandon Johnson, center Brett Byford, and linebacker Bo Ruud (10/22, knee) all questionable for Saturday’s game against Texas.

–The North Carolina Tarheels’ Tackle Andre Barbour and cornerback Jermaine Strong suffer injuries of the disciplinary sort, Barbour for weed-related infractions and Strong for “undisclosed reasons.” (Stealing precious gems from impenetrable vaults? Trafficking in exotic animals? Cutting the heads off parking meters?) Both will miss this Saturday’s game due to suspensions. Brandon Tate is probable following some noggin trouble of the concussed variety.

–Notre Dame running back James Aldridge is questionable for the game against Navy due to a sprained ankle and crushed spirit.

–Ohio State tackle Todd Denlinger is questionable with a leg injury for Penn State, along with linebacker Ross Homan (toe).

–Oklahoma State has someone on defense injured. Doesn’t really matter, does it?

–West Virginia will be going for the hands, as Rutgers qb Mike Teel’s right hand is bruised and has him probable for the WVU game.

–South Florida gets thinner on the line as starting tackle Walter Walker is out indefinitely with an MCL sprain against UConn.

–Tennessee receivers Josh Briscoe and Lucas Taylor are both sidelined by concussions to their toes. We mean, a toe injury and a concussion, respectively. Though we’re sure a toe concussion, if possible, would hurt with the fire of a thousand burning stars.

–UCLA’s middle of the defense is just done plain flat-out jacked-up, so injured only Cletus-ian parlance can describe it.

–Virginia Tech corner Victor “Macho” Harris is probable for VT’s Thursday nighter against Boston College. He’ll play because, you know. He’s Macho.

–Most intriguing injury of the week: Noel Devine may miss Saturday’s game against Rutgers due to “personal issues.”

For the moment, Joiner’s case remains on the books pending a decision by the State Attorney regarding his case. The towing company wants to settle the deal out of court, but pressing charges isn’t completely in their hands–the state may decide to press charges anyway, a decision most message boards are happy to ascribe not to the dictates laws of the state and the evidence of the case, but to the football loyalties of the attorneys and judges involved.

Whether Joiner starts at LSU is up to Meyer now. We have a whole shiny dollar to wager that he will.

Witness One: Hey, dude! DUDE! Is that your car?

Joiner: No, man. It’s my girl’s. Got towed while I was hittin’ it at the pad.

Witness Two: Hey, Tony Joiner! Can I have a kiss, man?

Joiner: Naw, man. All loved out right now. Been hittin’ it somethin’ fierce.

Witness One: Man, you’re stealing a car for her?

Joiner: Stealin’ it back, yeah. She’s worth it. Like making love to some kinda, you know, sexy drill sergeant racehorse womanbeast or something. Like Kiana Tom from back in the day with a snowmobile engine in her thang.

Witness Two: From Bodyshaping? Aw, man. She was unreal.

Joiner: She’s like that. It’s like the Daytona 500 when we get down. I gotta take pit stops and everything. Four tires. Lube. Chassis adjustments. Thanking sponsors and shit when I’m done.

Witness One: Sounds like a full-time job.

Joiner: It is. You gotta girl like that?

Witness Two: I do! She works at a Starbucks. Comes home, can’t sleep ’til two. Has to work it off with me.

Witness One: I’m his roommate. I call her “Jitterbuns.” She’s sounds like an espresso machine going off. WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Joiner: (Laughs.) That’s tight. (Blue and red lights turn the corner.) Hey, that’s the police. I think I better drive this car back in, ’cause my ass is going to jail.

Witness two: That sucks. You know, we’re gonna have to tell ‘em about this. They see us.

Joiner: I know. Just tell ‘em I’m all rutted out and not thinking straight. Why else would a college kid be stealing a girl’s car back from Watson’s Towing at 5 in the morning, man?

Witness One: Is pussy-induced fatigue a viable criminal defense?

Joiner: ‘Bout to find out. I ain’t sharing evidence, though!

Witnesses One and Two: Bye, Tony!