With the towel, like a gentleman.

Keenan Jones of Hawaii has been arrested and charged with unauthorized entry into a motor vehicle and second-degree assault. The two counts are both felonies, and total seven points for Hawaii in the Fulmer Cup. Seven, you ask? Why add a bonus point on top of the three points a piece for the felonies? As usual: style, sir, sheer inescapable style, brought to this case by the inclusion of some low-quality PPV pr0n.

A court document on the latest charges noted “the catalyst” for the domestic problems between the two stems from Jones allegedly using the woman’s cable provider to rent 13 porn movies resulting in a bill of over $300.

Lady, you don’t understand: this is how the deal works. Keenan gets porn, you pay for it, and when you complain about it, I shut a door on your toes and break two of them, because your bill must be mistaken. And those charges must be from your chick movies like August Rush and shit, because everyone knows porno is free–you press a button and it just shows up there on the tv. Amy Adams, though…damn. That girl can play Keenan’s cello anytime. Or share the couch with me when I crack out the butter churn and get to work on the couch, which I would do with a towel under my ass just like a gentleman would. That’d be some positively Enchanted shit there.

Ohio State loses a starting corner for the national title game, meaning you can crank up the “ESS-EEE-SEE Speed” argument when Early Doucet finds a mismatch and slips loose for a 60-yarder in the game, thus beginning one of the least intelligent arguments in the history of the sport.

OSU fan: Our starter was suspended! There was a fifty day layoff!

(Repeat until stupefied.)

Starting cornerback Donald Washington and backup Eugene Clifford will miss the game for “violating team rules,” a nod to likely academic problems and nothing of the Fulmer Cup variety. Redshirt freshman Chimdi Chekwa will start in his place, who LSU offensive coordinator is looking at as if he were a pork chop with legs.

Donald Washington: out for title game.

Two months in the can, one to go, folks, before 2007 is a misremembered, revisionist fog. Get every bit you can while you can. That is an order (Nevada-New Mexico State optional):

Remember the good times? There’s nothing keeping you away except you and your dignity.

FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS
NEVADA at NEW MEXICO STATE (8:00 ET • ESPN2)
It’s a WAC game of no consequence whatsoever, even by WAC standards – both teams are eliminated from the conference title picture – so why not have one of those 59-57 barrages? It should be a law, really: the number of punts in any televised WAC game shall be no greater than the combined number of I-A wins between both teams. In this case, that’s five. Watch For: Admit it: you miss Hal Mumme, don’t you? It’s okay: it’s Friday night, it’s in New Mexico, it’s ESPN2…he won’t tell anyone.

SATURDAY – EARLY AFTERNOON: THERE IS A BODY. DUMP IT IN THE RIVER BEFORE…

Main Course: PURDUE at PENN STATE (Noon ET • ESPN)
It’s a virtual lock the winner here will be in one of the Florida bowls on New Year’s Day, which says nothing, really, except that there will be some really sketchy quarterbacking on display in January. Do not be fooled by Purdue’s “high-powered” offense, which has tended to find the deepest hole it can find against competent defense for the last three years or so – the Boilers were averaging 30 points before they were shut out by the Lions in West Lafayette last year. Watch For: Flashing back to his duty in the final days of World War II (this is true), JoPa mistakes the “bombs” Curtis Painter is spraying around the Penn State secondary for that agonizing night in the leaning shells of old farmhouses outside Bondeno in ‘45. Massacre ensues.

On the Other Channel…
IOWA at NORTHWESTERN (Noon ET • ESPN2)
One of these teams currently has a winning record. Can you guess which one? I didn’t think so. Watch For: Iowa quarterback Jake Christensen, coming one of the truly, stunningly horrible performances in the history of winning football after last week’s double overtime win over Michigan State. Christensen completed three passes in regulation for 24 yards, but didn’t throw an interception, which is like the quarterbacking version of playing dead. It’s all about adapting and surviving, man, adapting and surviving.

It’s just a highly evolved defense mechanism – Christensen doesn’t really throw.

NEBRASKA at KANSAS (12:30 ET • FSN)
The Callahan Death Watch limps into its final excruciating month in need of a good mercy killing: at 4-5 with three games to play, Nebraska is technically alive for a bowl game, even with a defense that just gave up 319 yards rushing at the Beaver Crossing First Presbyterian bake sale and a first time starter at quarterback. At some point, backups can only provide a spark – you know, the team can hardly play worse under Joe Ganz – but he’ll be a minor here if the ex-Blackshirts are competent enough to cover the 20-point spread. Watch For: Last week, it was the velour track suit. This week, Mangino goes for the lucky lederhosen.

Provincialism: N.C. State at Miami (Noon ET, ESPNU) . . . Wake Forest at Virginia (Noon ET, Lincoln Financial) . . . Ball State at Indiana (Noon ET, Big Ten Network) . . . Wisconsin at Ohio State (Noon ET, Big Ten Network) . . . Kansas State at Iowa State (12:30, Versus).

(A brief word to the Big Ten Network: I understand your contractual obligations to get teams onto BTN a certain number of times, but fuck you for picking up Wisconsin-Ohio State and sticking the rest of the country with Iowa-Northwestern. This is quite the boon a wounded conference was looking for, I’m sure, hiding a mythical championship contender in one of its three marquee games of the season on a regional network while trotting out the play-in game for the Music City Bowl for everyone not living next to a Great Lake. Or is it better voters not actually see Ohio State in its only pre-Michigan game worth watching? Go to hell. And if you don’t live in the Big Ten zone and you’re getting Wiscy-OSU by some means other than basic cable, you go to hell, too. We don’t want to hear about your fucking packages.

Oh, and it’s Northwestern: the Wildcats are 5-4. Iowa’s double overtime win over Michigan State last week left the Hawkeyes sitting at 4-5).

LATE AFTERNOON: VIVA HATE!

Main Course: LSU at ALABAMA (5:00 ET • CBS)
Bizarre start time for the Eye, about an hour and a half later than usual, all the better for the fan base that mobbed its new coach’s private plane and showed up 90,000 strong for the Spring game to get in that extra flask before filing in to its seats violently storming the gates to sate the entitled bloodlust that’s possessed the blackest corners of its soul since last December. This game could mean more, if both teams were undefeated or something – in SEC play, anyway, both are only an overtime loss away from 5-0, and a wild last minute drive from being 3-2 – but between coonasses, fucking rivals and the division title, there is epic theater in the works. Watch For: Well, damn, even Nick Saban has time for this shit. There are wilder environments than Bryant-Denny, but with an infusion of revenge and bourbon-filled Louisianans, under the circumstances, it should be transformed into the unpadded batshit madhouse of the season.

On the Other Channel…
Your Mouse-Eared ESPN on ABC Overlords Present…Regionalism!
CINCINNATI at SOUTH FLORIDA or MICHIGAN at MICHIGAN STATE or TEXAS at OKLAHOMA STATE or UCLA at ARIZONA (3:30 ET • ABC/ESPN)

One way or another, most of the country will be seeing Michigan-Michigan State, which is good and right: a legitimate, hate-filled rivalry between decent teams, neither of which is UCLA nor Arizona. The programmers guessing at the beginning of the year that Bruins-Wildcats would be a better draw for this slot than Devils-Ducks should be summarily sacked – Arizona? – not that anyone off the West Coast would be able to see the latter under these conditions, anyway. It probably worked out for the better, actually. Great job, guys!
Watch For: One of your last chances to see Chad Henne and Mike Hart as Wolverines. Truly, through the decades, they have been the voice of an entire generation.

NAVY at NOTRE DAME (2:30 ET • NBC)
Whatever the losing streak is now, 40 games, 45 games, this is it for Notre Dame. The last possible shred of respect it can salvage is to win the frosted dessert course of its schedule (in November, the Irish get Navy, Air Force, Duke and Stanford) beginning with the Middies, if for no other reason than to say “At least we didn’t lose to Navy” and avoid another billboard advertising this team’s historic futility. Watch For: Unparalelled potential for schadenfreude, and because you love the triple option, don’t you, seaman?!

Provincialism: Colorado State at BYU (Noon MT, mtn.) . . . East Carolina at Memphis (2:00 ET, WITN, WLMT) . . . San Jose State at Boise State (1:00 MT, KTVB 7) . . . Buffalo at Miami, Ohio (3:00 ET, Ohio News Now) . . . Army at Air Force (1:30 MT, CSTV) . . . Marshall at Central Florida (3:30 ET, CSS Southeast) . . . Maryland at North Carolina (3:45 ET, ESPNU).

THE WILD CARD
ARIZONA STATE at OREGON (6:45 ET • ESPN)
Even the most cynical hats must be doffed to the Leader for saving the game of the day from regional oblivion, even if kickoff here is inconvenient for anyone more interested in LSU-Bama. The second half of this one ought to get much better ratings than the first. Watch For: If it’s not enough of a draw to watch two high-scoring, top five teams hook up with the highest conference and national implications and coaches who are liable to stagger in as sloshed on the Nike dime as the Sig Eps in the stands, at least give a fair shake to Dennis Dixon, the most overlooked candidate for certain unnamed statuettes. Oregon has to remain a national contender for his campaign to gain any traction, and vice versa.

HERE COMES THE NIGHT

Main Course: Your Mouse-Eared ESPN on ABC Overlords Present…More Regionalism!
FLORIDA STATE at BOSTON COLLEGE or TEXAS A&M at OKLAHOMA or OREGON STATE at SOUTHERN CAL (8:00 ET • ABC)

Almost two-thirds of households nationally will see Matt “Roller Coaster” Ryan try to keep his lunch down against Florida State, while viewers attempt to keep their own lunch down watching the ‘Noles’ pathetic attempts to execute anything on offense. Even FSU’s lone interesting player, Xavier Lee, has succumbed to a sprained cerebrum, leaving vanilla Drew Weatherford to fail in far less spectacular fashion. Just for the record: does anybody else get the sneaking sense that, if their teams and coaches were reversed, Drew Weatherford and Matt Ryan are pretty much the same quarterback? Watch For: Independently, DeMarco Murray and Dennis Franchione’s tortured attempts at stoicism in defeat are worth the price of admission on their own. So a certain segment of the country is getting a sweet two-for-one. It’s like Christmas.

On the Other Channel…
MISSOURI at COLORADO (6:40 ET • FSN)
There’s no figuring Colorado out: the Buffs lose at home in the middle of the night to Florida State, then take out Oklahoma on the same field, then get routed in back-to-back games by Kansas and Kansas State, and, reeling in the wake of Sunflower State smackdowns, salvaged the season by whipping Texas Tech last week in Lubbock. Division I football, brother: completely schizophrenic. Watch For: Chase Daniel, who, no, you have not observed closely enough. Everyone has Mizzou figured, but nobody’s doing much about it.

Chase Daniel doesn’t adjust to the altitude. The altitude adjusts to Chase Daniel.

SOUTH CAROLINA at ARKANSAS (8:00 • ESPN2)
It feels like both teams are reeling, but, where South Carolina’s lost two in a row, Arkansas has actually won four of its last five. The problem: those four were North Texas, UT-Chattanooga, Ole Miss and Florida International. Against actual SEC opponents, the Hogs have fallen flatter’n Houston Nutt’s denials re: Donna Bragg. Watch For: Any chance to watch Darren McFadden knife through hordes of tacklers is a precious one, and by all reasonable guesses, this will be one of the last you’ll get on a Saturday.

WASHINGTON STATE at CALIFORNIA (10:00 ET • FSN)
Random Pac Ten game! Random Pac Ten game! Less than a month ago, Cal was ranked third in the country and thinking national championship. Now the Bears are trying to hold on against streaking Wazzu (one in a row, baby!) to avoid a tie for ninth place in the conference. Watch For: The sheer, drunken, bleary-eyed pleasure that comes from falling asleep for whole quarters, then waking up just in time to catch a bizarro finish and trying in vain to remember just which team you bet on, again, before passing out for good. It’s the little things that make it all worthwhile.

Provincialism: New Mexico at TCU (4:30 CT, mtn.) . . . Washington at Stanford (3:30 PT, FSN Bay Area) . . . Southern Miss at UAB (6:00 CT, CSS Southeast) . . . Eastern Michigan at Toledo (7:00 ET, Buckeye Cable Network) . . . Rutgers at Connecticut (7:15, ESPNU) . . . Tulsa at Tulane (6:30 CT, CSTV) . . . Illinois at Minnesota (7:00 CT, Big Ten Network) . . . Wyoming at San Diego State (6:00 PT, mtn.).

Don’t forget to set your clock backs at the end of Cal-WSU, and enjoy that little time warp while you can.

First, in factual news: LSU QB Ryan Perrilloux has been cleared of any wrongdoing in an incident at the Varsity in Baton Rouge this past Friday, and will be allowed to play in this weekend’s game versus Alabama. Linebacker Derrick Odom, however, will be charged with something later today and then dismissed from the team.

This all comes from WJBO, and is likely close to factual. We’d like to think this account of what happened at the Varsity is just as factual. However, this is the internet, and like Ed Orgeron taking off his shirt and challenging everyone on the Ole Miss football team to fight, it’s at the very least truthy enough to repeat. So remember: it’s not fact, but it’s fact-esque. And that’s awesome enough for us.

Concussed? Sure. Scurred? Hell no, and loving it.

Saturday night, one of the LSU football players was “performing” (rapping) at the Varsity (LSU had a bye last week). So naturally, a lot of the team showed up in support. Xavier Carter, who has found some trouble when hanging out with Odom and Perriloux in the past, was also at the bar that night. Apparently, one of the bouncers there had gotten into a fight with Carter a few years back. There were a few words between the bouncer and Carter, but things eventually died down between the two. However, Odom didn’t want to let things die down. So he’s running his mouth and starting shit with the bouncer as well. Perriloux is there, not stopping things but not backing down either.

At the same time, there were a bunch of local mixed martial arts guys having a party upstairs at the bar. One of these guys was friends with the bouncer, and the next thing you know, you have MMA guys and football players talking shit. From what I heard, the testosterone was through the roof, as you can imagine. So the night ends and they’re kicking people out, and the MMA guy and Odom end up in the parking lot, where the fight breaks out. Needless to say, the MMA guy beats the dogshit out of Odom. Perriloux was supposedly the one who threatened to go get a gun, but when you’re getting your ass spanked by a bunch of steriod junkies who fight for a living, what other choice do you have? (Besides not fighting to begin with, but that’s when you lose street cred, and next thing you know you’re getting raped in prison. And Odom ain’t no punk bitch).

Nope. He may be a menace to public safety and squanderer of a football scholarship to a fine university, but when you willingly take on someone with a neck like watermain and visible backne, you, sir, are no punk bitch. Thick-skulled? Possibly retarded? Cursed with an acute lack of understanding of applying force to the tender, breakable parts of a body in an disciplined rapid fashion? Yes.

Punk bitch, though? No, sir. And Derrick Odom may take that “not punk bitch” status and leave the LSU Tigers holding it proudly. Street value=0$, and exactly several million less than an NFL draft pick’s signing bonus.

Despite the obvious mention of the “new coaching staff” Tom Osborne claims that no decision will be made about the coaching staff until the offseason. Tom Osborne also wants to sell you some ocean front property in Arizona, promises you don’t have to worry about your daughter on prom night because she took a “virginity pledge” and extolled how much more difficult it is to recruit to Notre Dame because of the academic standards.

HT: W. Brinson.

Right here.

Channing Crowder honed his tackling skills at Florida by attempting to tackle wild boar on hunting trips. (No, really, he did.) This says much for his gusto for the game, and also seems to speak for his intelligence as a whole, judging from this article in the Palm Beach Post about Miami’s upcoming game against the New York Giants in London.

Crowder, a former Florida Gator and Atlanta native, apparently isn’t sure where the plane is headed when it takes off this afternoon for Sunday’s game against the New York Giants in Wembley Stadium.

“I know (Washington Redskins linebacker) London Fletcher. We did a football camp together. So I know him. That’s the closest thing I know to London. He’s black, so I’m sure he’s not from London. I’m sure that’s a coincidental name.”

There’s far too much to mock here, so we’ll just say it: Florida’s geography department sucks. We blame them, and of course, society for failing to educate this young man, who nevertheless sleeps on a pile of money at night with many beautiful women. And I gladly stand UP! Next to you, Channing Crowder, and defend her still today. Even if you can’t find yourself on a map.

(HT: Darkknight.)

The Body Count for week eight of college football season grows long and fearsome. Tread lightly.

–Tim Tebow is “banged up,” a medical term of great vagueness. It’s his right shoulder, his non-throwing one and the very same one diagnosed by Dr. Gary Danielson on the broadcast. At the rate Danielson’s been making accurate snap calls as the color guy on CBS, we predict that any and all premonitions of the rapture made by him will be one hundred percent accurate. If heard, immediately repent.

–Georgia RB Thomas Brown (collarbone) and Kregg Lumpkin (knee) are both out against Florida. Fortunately, Knowshon Moreno’s been running countertops, so he’s ready, fit, and itching to play.

–Addition! Georgia Tech’s Tashard Choice will miss the November 1st game against Virginia Tech following knee surgery today (Thanks, Asim!). Quoth Chan Gailey: “I’m not getting fired. I’m being ‘voluntarily transitioned’.”

–Nebraska, already taking on water through gaping torpedo holes, takes a few more just below the mizzenmast with linebacker Blake Lawrence (ankle) defensive lineman Brandon Johnson, center Brett Byford, and linebacker Bo Ruud (10/22, knee) all questionable for Saturday’s game against Texas.

–The North Carolina Tarheels’ Tackle Andre Barbour and cornerback Jermaine Strong suffer injuries of the disciplinary sort, Barbour for weed-related infractions and Strong for “undisclosed reasons.” (Stealing precious gems from impenetrable vaults? Trafficking in exotic animals? Cutting the heads off parking meters?) Both will miss this Saturday’s game due to suspensions. Brandon Tate is probable following some noggin trouble of the concussed variety.

–Notre Dame running back James Aldridge is questionable for the game against Navy due to a sprained ankle and crushed spirit.

–Ohio State tackle Todd Denlinger is questionable with a leg injury for Penn State, along with linebacker Ross Homan (toe).

–Oklahoma State has someone on defense injured. Doesn’t really matter, does it?

–West Virginia will be going for the hands, as Rutgers qb Mike Teel’s right hand is bruised and has him probable for the WVU game.

–South Florida gets thinner on the line as starting tackle Walter Walker is out indefinitely with an MCL sprain against UConn.

–Tennessee receivers Josh Briscoe and Lucas Taylor are both sidelined by concussions to their toes. We mean, a toe injury and a concussion, respectively. Though we’re sure a toe concussion, if possible, would hurt with the fire of a thousand burning stars.

–UCLA’s middle of the defense is just done plain flat-out jacked-up, so injured only Cletus-ian parlance can describe it.

–Virginia Tech corner Victor “Macho” Harris is probable for VT’s Thursday nighter against Boston College. He’ll play because, you know. He’s Macho.

–Most intriguing injury of the week: Noel Devine may miss Saturday’s game against Rutgers due to “personal issues.”

Andy Staples has the police calls of the Tony Joiner arrest. They’re gripping stuff in that, “Hey, I can hear dudes yelling in the back” kind of way. The caller identifies him as “Tony Joiner of the Gators,” which shows that celebrity of even the local sort is the gift that never stops giving.

For the moment, Joiner’s case remains on the books pending a decision by the State Attorney regarding his case. The towing company wants to settle the deal out of court, but pressing charges isn’t completely in their hands–the state may decide to press charges anyway, a decision most message boards are happy to ascribe not to the dictates laws of the state and the evidence of the case, but to the football loyalties of the attorneys and judges involved.

Whether Joiner starts at LSU is up to Meyer now. We have a whole shiny dollar to wager that he will.

Florida starting safety Tony Joiner was arrested for attempting to steal his girlfriend’s car back from Watson’s Towing company at 4:59 a.m. this morning. We have exclusive quotes from the police report.

Witness One: Hey, dude! DUDE! Is that your car?

Joiner: No, man. It’s my girl’s. Got towed while I was hittin’ it at the pad.

Witness Two: Hey, Tony Joiner! Can I have a kiss, man?

Joiner: Naw, man. All loved out right now. Been hittin’ it somethin’ fierce.

Witness One: Man, you’re stealing a car for her?

Joiner: Stealin’ it back, yeah. She’s worth it. Like making love to some kinda, you know, sexy drill sergeant racehorse womanbeast or something. Like Kiana Tom from back in the day with a snowmobile engine in her thang.

Witness Two: From Bodyshaping? Aw, man. She was unreal.

Joiner: She’s like that. It’s like the Daytona 500 when we get down. I gotta take pit stops and everything. Four tires. Lube. Chassis adjustments. Thanking sponsors and shit when I’m done.

Witness One: Sounds like a full-time job.

Joiner: It is. You gotta girl like that?

Witness Two: I do! She works at a Starbucks. Comes home, can’t sleep ’til two. Has to work it off with me.

Witness One: I’m his roommate. I call her “Jitterbuns.” She’s sounds like an espresso machine going off. WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Joiner: (Laughs.) That’s tight. (Blue and red lights turn the corner.) Hey, that’s the police. I think I better drive this car back in, ’cause my ass is going to jail.

Witness two: That sucks. You know, we’re gonna have to tell ‘em about this. They see us.

Joiner: I know. Just tell ‘em I’m all rutted out and not thinking straight. Why else would a college kid be stealing a girl’s car back from Watson’s Towing at 5 in the morning, man?

Witness One: Is pussy-induced fatigue a viable criminal defense?

Joiner: ‘Bout to find out. I ain’t sharing evidence, though!

Witnesses One and Two: Bye, Tony!

Franchione: A Total Fucking Idiot. Officially.

TMZ.com’s blowing up like crazy these days, so they must be hiring, meaning you should forward Dennis Franchione’s curriculum vitae their way with all due speed. The brilliant, mold-breaking, team-building-exercise-lovin’ 1997-motivational-guru-of-tomorrow isn’t only a colossally overrated coach who ditched an entire organization overnight. He’s also a hell of gossip columnist for his own team.

The skinny (that’s what they say in gossip columns!):

Texas A&M football coach Dennis Franchione said Thursday he has discontinued a secret e-mail newsletter sent to select boosters willing to pay $1,200 per year for team information that Franchione routinely has withheld from the public.

“I knew it was probably going to be controversial,” Franchione said. “I certainly didn’t mean for it to be that. When I knew you guys were starting to ask around a bit, I thought, ‘Maybe we shouldn’t do this.’”

There’s your peaches, right there: Franchione saying that he didn’t think he should publish the newsletter once people started asking about the letter. The newsletter, as the article details, went out to around 12 subscribers who signed confidentiality agreements, a nice bit of frosting for the story since the newspaper was able to get a hold of the super secret, confidential newsletter in the first place.

This indicates several things. One booster among these 12 has sold off all his shares in FranRon, Inc–otherwise, how the hell did the paper get their hands on it in the first place? Second, Coach Fran trod on a real ethical line here, since leaking information on games that are always wagered on by gamblers (potentially the boosters themselves, no?) in secret isn’t illegal, but is certainly jankety, skeevy, and questionable at best.

But enough about character. We don’t know Franchione, the person. We only see Franchione the coach and his actions, leading us to our next point.

Three, it indicates something you can only write on the internet, but it’s something we feel comfortable saying because we think there’s ample evidence of it at this point: Dennis Franchione is a fucking idiot. A total fucking idiot.

–Overwrought game plans are high school offenses in disguise and never fail to squander the talents of players like Reggie McNeal and Jorvorskie Lane.

–Craig James was laughing at your defensive scheme on national television. That’s enough, right?

–Aggie record is 28-24 going into this season with an annual salary of over 2 million dollars.

–Claimed his father was buried in an Alabama sweatshirt…two months prior to leaving the job for Texas A&M.

–Left a team without saying goodbye to his players at Alabama.

–Lost 77-0 to Oklahoma in 2003

–Hit your grandmother with a semi and dared to claim the right of way.

Dennis Franchione parked your car for you.

And now, it’s come out that he’s selling exclusive info about the program in an extremely insecure format to subsidize CoachFran.com, including player injuries and unflattering player assessments, in a year when his job is clearly in danger.

The explicit editorial stance from here on out at EDSBS is that Dennis Franchione is a fucking idiot. A total goddamn piss-shitting paste-eating fucking idiot. We wouldn’t trust him with sinking a leaky barge full of bricks with the U.S.S. New Jersey. We wouldn’t trust him to feed our pet alligator Lawrence if we had freezer full of dead chickens and a shovel at the ready. We’d send him an email telling him all this, but we’d have to get in line, and he’s too busy emailing those friendly Liberians back with his bank account numbers. “I’m going to roll in my African riches! EXCELSIOR!!!”

Proven: Dennis Franchione is a fucking idiot. Q.E.D, motherfucker.

Note that no, this isn’t an attack on his character. This an attack on his intellect or lack thereof. These are all very public and very stupid actions on behalf of a person. It’s not garbage, Mike Gundy, if you can back it up. Franchione has a habit of doing very stupid things in the public eye. Objectively stupid things, like this, like leaving Alabama without saying goodbye, like pretty much everything about the Miami gameplan, like his mismanagement of Reggie McNeal. There’s plenty out there to back it up. His resume of dumb is deep, compelling, and documented.

Dan Hawkins: A true Spartan of coachrant.

In the pantheon of glorious rants, Mike Gundy’s must be given short shrift due to its lack of the following things:

1. Thrown objects
2. Profanities
3. Actual, filmed assaults
4. An uncontrolled, free-form rantflow to it.
5. Instantly quotable lines.

Gundy was prepackaged, plastic, and can’t possibly measure up to the foothills of the coach implosion Himalaya due to the lack of the five elements of a real, ass-ripping lunatic rant. Only the line “I’M A GROWN MAN! I’M FORTY!” comes close, and even then it’s borrowing laugh-memory from Molly Shannon’s Salley O’Malley and her enchanting Desert Rose. (He’s Mike Gundy! He can kick! Stretch! And….KICK! FOUR-OH!)

He even brought props, a bush league crutches of the junior-circuit ranter. Props mean you planned it; ideally, a rant comes not from the heart, or the head, but instead from the lizard brain, unfiltered, uncontrollable, and irresistable. Mike Gundy, were he a cinematic murderer, would be William H. Macy in Fargo; a real ranter like Lou Piniella or Dan Hawkins is Mr. Brooks or Dexter, unwillingly turning the wheel over to the Dark Passenger without knowing it. If props are involved, they’re hijacked on the scene, usually thrown without caring where they go or who they hit. (Hal McCray, phone; Lou Piniella, bases, Rob Dibble, an infant in a barfight with Billy Martin in 1977.)

Sadly, the best verbal coaching fit ever eluded recording devices. Marv Levy swore in an interview on the NFL Network that George Allen once went on a 45 minute tirade about the evils of snow tires. But failing that, for proper, grumpy bastard rant, call a pro like Paul Johnson, who’ll run the triple option of rant-ropology by accusing you of working at McDonald’s, getting angry, and wagering a public ass-kissing on the challenge. (HT: Peter.)

Reporter: Can I ask you something without making you mad?

Johnson: Maybe. I don’t know. (more…)

Our Blogpoll ballot for week three. Of course we insulted your favorite team.

BTW: pay no attention to the arrows. They’re corrections of corrections. Onward!

Rank	Team	Delta
1	LSU	—
2	Southern Cal	—
3	Oklahoma	—
4	West Virginia	—
5	California	1
6	Florida	1
7	Oregon	1
8	Texas	18
9	Penn State	2
10	Georgia Tech	1
11	Rutgers	1
12	Wisconsin	1
13	Louisville	—
14	Nebraska	—
15	South Carolina	3
16	Ohio State	1
17	Tennessee	4
18	Boston College	1
19	UCLA	3
20	Clemson	1
21	Arkansas	1
22	South Florida	1
23	Georgia	1
24	Arizona State	6
25	Washington	1

Notes, apologies, blatant admissions.

We fucked up. Again. What you see above is the slightly more thought out blogpoll ballot we resubmitted after our morning meeting, two cups of coffee, and done with a checklist next to us in a methodical fashion. What you will see under our ballot as tallied this morning is a neglectful piece of trash submitted a minute under the wire pre-coffee on our way to a meeting. Therefore: Texas, we apologize, having left you off completely in a hurry.

This means less to Texas than it might to other teams, since we all know how starving for attention and acknowledgment the Longhorn football program is. But if you see our blogpoll ballot and notice the mistake, save the comment and just call us imbeciles as we are. This would be a correct statement.

As seen on TigerDroppings: the Geauxrilla.

Fear the Geauxrilla. LSU is number one by proof this year. Offensively: they’ve demolished a decent MSU defense to begin, and then merc’d Virginia Tech’s defense in week two, allegedly among the best in the nation. Defensively: reduced Sean Glennon to cinders, which is easy enough, but also crushed VT’s run game from the onset. Weaknesses exist–watch their offensive tackles against decent competition for one–but right now they’ve cleaned the most impressive plate of anyone at the buffet.

South Carolina won, but……like all teams that live by the skin of their teeth, their climb will be slow and steady in the polls. We had them overvalued to begin with, so this market correction is less a matter of punishment, and more one of curbing irrational exuberance about their season.

Rutgers, babeee!!! We’ve undervalued them, especially in light of their actually playing defense in the Big East. (Even if they allegedly yell “YOU GOT FUCKED UP!” to Navy. Rutgers, have you ever considered replacing Vandy in the SEC? You’d fit right in.) South Florida nudges in following a win versus Auburn, who may or may not suck completely. Their quarterback literally chucks and ducks at this point waiting for the impact of oncoming rushers.

Bullish on the Pac-10, who erased a daunting slate of competition this past weekend. Cal may be too high, but we’ll happily hop Florida over them provided they beat Tennessee in fair to impressive fashion this weekend. Oregon earns points for properly euthanizing Michigan, who really was in a lot of pain.

The knot of the SEC: The absolute value of Georgia, Tennessee, and Arkansas are all difficult to calculate right now. For all intents and purposes, they’re treading water in this poll and either a.) about to swim, or b.) preparing to drown. If Florida trounces Tennessee, we have this crazy theory that Phil Fulmer will be in serious, malicious trouble. That Nutt guy, though–he could lose by fifty to Alabama and no one would care. Seriously. They love him up there with cuddles and fairy dust and everything.

Dropped: Hawaii. Well, it was Louisiana Tech. Only Mike Dubose loses to La. Tech from big boy football. They didn’t lose, but they needed miracles, and that’s enough (along with TCU’s loss) to frighten us off the upstarts for a week or so. And Colt Brennan only threw for 400 548 yards? DOES HE HAVE CANCER WE WANT TO KNOW?!?!?!

A respectable 20 rank in the Coaches’ Poll! A buzz-generating sighting of the Wildcat formation in fall practice, a formation that new offensive coordinator David Lee says he’s even expanded in his playbook! People forgetting the turmoil of the offseason until…until you get the sudden departure of offensive Colin Tucker from the team, a minor hiccup in the depth chart that should slide away from the reader somewhere around the bottom of the page.

Unless Tucker Sr. goes on a Rivals site and either drops a neutron bomb on anything and everything associated with the coaching staff–now that’s got itself some walkin’ legs, now.

(more…)

Florida to the Big Ten! Sasquatch!

This is…this is just fucktarded. Just Darwin award dumb. Like, Oscar Davenport Wonderlic dumb. The kind of dumb that you’re afraid to even shake hands with, lest it prove contagious.

From David Jones at PennLive.

And former Big 12 commissioner Kevin Weiberg’s recent move to the Big Ten Network only adds to the intrigue. He knows about Texas’ TV clout better than anyone.

Texas in the Big 10! It’s a done deal! How this happened earlier we’ll never know, with only geography, history, demographics, and other “facts” getting in the way of this arrangement. But wait! There’s more ether left in the can. (HHHHHHHUUUUUUUUUFFFFFFFFFF.)

And if not Texas, stay south. Florida? It’s by no means out of the realistic realm. More snowbirds are from the Midwest than any other area. Think UF wouldn’t move? Think again.

First off, snowbirds are from New York. Long Island South takes great offense at this. Play “Piano Man” in an oldish bar in Tampa and watch the wrinkled, sunburnt elbows sway in drunken unison. There’s plenty of midwesterners, sure, but they’re in Orlando, fearful of that “water” shit surrounding the coasts.

Second, Florida would leave the SEC, but only if coached by Sasquatch. He’s an Oregon grad, though, and likely to wander West for his dream job in a few years, and therefore not a good investment. However! If the Gnomes of Zurich collaborate with the Cult of Cthulu and place enough leverage on the Masons, then just maybe fellow Druid cult leader Jim Delany could wedge fellow sacrifice cult leader Jeremy Foley into it. Let’s just hope the Elders of Zion don’t object!

We could do this all day, really. Rutgers to join League of Nations! USC to leave Pac-10 for the Bundesliga! Michigan to join DEI Racing! Don’t think it’ll happen? (Where’s my bullshit rhetorical device of the day…ah, there it is.) THINK AGAIN!!!

If this column were any dumber, we’d have to keep it inside during rainstorms to keep it from drowning as it looked up. (HT: Brian.)