Scene: The post Big Ten Media Day dinner at Gibson’s Steakhouse in Chicago. Rich Rodriguez is dining at a table with several Michigan types. Jamie Foxx sits down at the table next to Rich Rodriguez.

RR: Hey! Weren’t you in Booty Call?

JF: Among other things, yeah, man.

RR: I remember that. You put a rubber glove on your stuff instead of a condom. That was GREAT.

JF: Thank you. What do you do?

RR: Well, I coach football. At the University of Michigan. But we had a pretty bad year last year.

RR looks hurt. He trails off.

JF: Hey, now. Let’s turn that frown upside down. You can talk about it.

RR: Naw, it’s…it’s difficult for me. It was so painful.

JF: It can’t be that bad, man.

RR: (pauses) We lost to Toledo.

JF: Oh, now, I didn’t know it was like that. You’re gonna have to sing that one out.

RR: I’m sorry?

JF: It’s the only way you’ll feel better about it. I’ll drop the beat for you, and you can just sing it. You heard my hit song, “Blame it on the Alcohol?”

RR: Have I? You bet. Gary Moeller loves that jam.

JF: Well, I just lay the track down like this…

RR: Really, I don’t know if I could…

Sultry drum machine kicks in. Rich Rod pulls an autotuned mike from his pocket.

(more…)

This week’s Patron Saint of Spicy Living: Mario Batali.

–Grew weed on his roof during college

–Spent most of a key internship in London under Marco Pierre-White allegedly fired up on cocaine while attending Joy Division concerts.

–Would polish off a case of wine at a time with his business partner Joe Bastianich during a single meal.

–Was, in his day, a highly successful ladies’ man despite his girth.

–Quoted from Heat about his tenure at the pizza cafe Stuff Yer face: “I don’t want to come off as a big druggy, but when a guy comes into the kitchen with a pizza pan turned upside down, covered with lines of crack, how can you say no?”

–Banned noted chef and dick Gordon Ramsay from his restaurants.

–Fond of hog jowl, offal, parts, and other delicious entrails and discard meats.

–From Wikipedia: “Often, the chef’s mouth and drinking habits get him into trouble, like when at the 2009 South Beach Food & Wine Festival, as the MC for a $1,000-a-plate dinner honoring the King & Queen of Spain the Miami Herald reported Batali releasing a string of profanities while on stage introducing Spanish chef Jose Andreas, and then proceeding to dry-hump Andreas. ”

For all of these and his shameless self-promotion–plus the fact that he’s on our list of people to get completely trashed one day with, if only for the food–we salute you, Mario Batali, and all the fatty goodness you stand for. Chin-chin.

Drink.

Holly: Campers, it’s time to start your interior conditioning programs for tailgating season. Without proper summer workouts, your systems will balk at the first combined assault of hot wings, molten cheese, and mimosas mixed in a plastic bucket. To that end, our sommelier recommends: Pizza beer. Why? Because it apparently exists, and that’s reason enough for a Friday.

The Spicy Living Test Kitchen has never actually tasted this alleged concoction, but The Onion AV Club did a while back, with reviews ranging from “It’s not nearly as bad as it sounds” to “I’d rather just have a beer-flavored beer.”

Orson: Tequila. Silvery-tongued bandita with perfect tits heaving under the sole cover of a bandolier of ammunition, borne aloft by angel’s wings and a jet pack, soaring naked just out of reach…oh, tequila, you turn me into a lovestruck mad scientist. (more…)

The weekend’s preposterously ambitious viewing agenda:

ORSON (ATL):
Georgia Tech @ Clemson
Texas Tech @ Texas A&M
Vandy @ Georgia
Ole Miss @ Alabama
Michigan @ Penn State
LSU@ South Carolina
Mizzou @ Texas

HOLLY (L.A.):
Texas Tech @ Texas A&M
Vandy @ Georgia
Ohio State @ Michigan State
Miami @ Duke
Missy State @ Tennessee
Mizzou @ Texas
LSU @ South Carolina

Contingent of LSU fans:  IN OUTER FUCKING SPACE, APPARENTLY.

Television coverage maps are available at this indispensable genius website here. Travel plans, drinking goals, and observations on tonight’s Hawaii-Boise State tilt below, if you please.  Happy weekend, and we’ll see you back here much too early tomorrow.