Forget your dueling op-ed columnists. Dismiss everything you think you know about message board battles. Kentucky and Loovll are taking this fight TO THE AIR, SON:

The latest salvo comes from UK, back-to-back winner in the football matchup. Drive by selected billboards around the state, including one not far from the UofL campus on Interstate 65, and tune to the right radio frequency, and you’ll hear the UK fight song blaring from your radio.

…yeah, we don’t actually see the problem here, or the potential for any real fun, because who in Louisville colors is going to go hunting for the fight song on their radio dial? Wouldn’t it be much more effective for fans and foes alike if the billboards were motion-activated and blared at cars who passed, regardless of affiliation? You’d pay for a premium cable channel that consisted of nothing but a webcam pointed at this apparatus, and you know it, if only for the chance of seeing Kragthorpe amble up in his truck and slowly, deliberately drive into it, over and over and again.

#11 Ohio St. at #24 Northwestern

HOLLY, QUASI-RATIONAL: Relax your bedtime grip on your Glocks, America. Ohio State has two losses, and the universe can breathe easy, safe from the specter of a third-straight Buckeyes champblahblahblahBig10bashing. Statistically, these teams are surprisingly well-matched, but….look, we’d all love to pick Northwestern, adorably ranked after a victory over Minnesota, but if pluck guaranteed wins, we’d be celebrating the single-digit ranking of Texas Christian (HOW DARE YOU PUSH US TO ACCEPT UTAH AS A LEGIT TEAM, HORNED FROGS).

ORSON, IRRATIONAL. The force is strong in the young one…

…but this is episode five, and he loses his hand to the Dark Lord.

Baylor at #4 Texas

ORSON, QUASI-RATIONAL. If Baylor had the chops on defense to hold Colt McCoy in check, we’d happily tiptoe over to the pond of tribute bets and salute Art Briles and Robert Griffin for revivifying Baylor football. We would, really, it’s just that Texas just lost to Texas Tech, something they’re not accustomed to doing, and will not play the part of scalded dog two years in a row. Baylor gets inflame-u-lated by a frothing mad Texas team.

HOLLY, QUASI-RATIONAL: Robert Griffin, most impressive. Howevah! Texas is clinging to their top-five slot with all their considerable strength, with the added incentive of having Something To Prove after last week’s heartbreak in Lubbock. Despite their sub-subpar pass defense, the Longhorns have more than enough personnel to keep bodies on Griffin all afternoon.

#13 Georgia at Kentucky

HOLLY, QUASI-RATIONAL: You could call this game on intangibles–Georgia will be as surly and smashy as they’ve been all year and have presumably reconstructed their collective throats since their most recent Cocktail Party debacle, plus their last visit to Lexington didn’t go so well–but why bother? The Dawgs are an all-right football team on their worst days, and outclass Kentucky in every category that matters. The Wildcats are bowl-eligible, to be sure, but it comes on the backs of such vaunted opponents as Norfolk State, Western Kentucky, and Loovill. This one won’t be close.

ORSON, QUASI-RATIONAL. Georgia is not the better team top to bottom; take THAT EXPECTED FOOTBALL CLICHE. Kentucky’s got the better defense, but too bad for them this is football, where sometimes one must score. Georgia can do that because they’ve got this offense, and do really well when they’re not giving up drives to opponents that start on their own one yard line. Kentucky fans prefer basketball ARP ARP ARP ARP.

Wyoming at Tennessee

ORSON, QUASI-RATIONAL: Joe Glenn’s market value peaked long ago, and in a five game stretch prior to breaking universal slump-buster San Diego State the Cowboys were outcored 207-30 by their opponents. We feel some FAIL comin’ on hyah, and would take at least 90 teams in division one over the Cowboys sight unseen. Holly will explain further reasons why taking the Cowboys borders on the tardbilly-ish.

HOLLY, ACTUALLY RATIONAL: If you managed to sit through Fulmer’s press conference on Monday without squirming yourselves completely underneath the couch cushions, you got a taste of the general tenor of the UT locker room. The players are bound to be out for blood, and to not particularly care whose blood. Tennessee by a hundred and fifty or so.

#1 Alabama at #16 LSU

HOLLY, IRRATIONAL: Instead of picking, let’s treat ourselves to a festive round of Nick Saban Projectile Bingo. Center square if he gets hit with an egg. Fill the rest of your card, in any order, with: bottles, batteries, dead bats, live snakes, pots of boiling peanut oil, actual shrunken heads, glowsticks, empty mace cans, and vials of plague strains. Oh, and here’s to an LSU win, because Alabama at number one is fucking awful, the end. Light ‘im up, Tigahs.

ORSON, IRRATIONAL. John Parker Wilson has taken the Brandon Cox Mantle of “OH MY GOD WE LOST TO HIM” Qb for this year. Bama Bang’d, rag-armed, prone to taking sacks with audible feminine shrieks, and with his supporting cast totally unbeatable thus far. The shame of victory will sting even more as he attempts 20 passes, completes 12 of them for piddling yardage, and yet gets to trod from the bourbon-soaked sidelines of LSU clothed in glory…and LSU fans’ spit, of course.

#3 Penn State at Iowa

ORSON, LUDICROUSLY IRRATIONAL SHONN GREENE SHONN GREENE SHONN GREENE.

If the weather’s awful, consider the Iowa victory a done deal due to the inverse relationship between crappy weather and the performance of white athletes. (Only remaining fields of dominance: cross-country skiing, biathlon, and blizzard wrestling.) We just don’t want Penn State in the national title game, are open about this, and don’t think Mark Dantonio and all the properly worn neckties in the universe can get the Spartans to beat the Nittany Lions.

(Final note: an undefeated Penn State team belongs in the title game. Logic overcomes homerism…just barely, though. It was wrong when it happened to Auburn; it’s wrong here, too.)

HOLLY, IRRATIONAL FOR YOUR OWN GOOD: C’mon, Penn State. Drop a game you shouldn’t lose and lose the ranking you shouldn’t have. Nobody wants to deny old what’s-his-name a title shot based on sentimentality and your bullshit schedule, so give us an excuse to slot in a more deserving squad and you’ll be free to enjoy a pleasant berth in one of the remaining big four bowls. Let’s not cause a scene, now.

Kansas St. at #14 Missouri

HOLLY, IRRATIONAL: We owe a debt of gratitude to Mizzou for dropping out of the top ten and saving us from the effort of shoring up our rapidly depleting stock of Chase-Daniel-is-old-and-delivers-pizzas-in-his-copious-spare-time jokes. For this, Tigers, and because KState is f’ing woeful, we ch-ch-choose you. Prevail, if you please.

ORSON, QUASI-RATIONAL. K-State is horrible, Missouri is not, grab a shovel as Mizzou makes a minced ass pie from the butt-end of the Ron Prince carcass.

#21 California at #7 USC

ORSON, QUASI-RATIONAL: Jeff Tedford, pre-season: icy genius, steely-visaged pro-style thinkbot waging cold warfare amidst the primitive ankylosauruses of the college football landscape, a technical scientist fighting against sloppy, emotive artists.

Jeff Tedford, mid-season: 6-2 and about to lose to Pete Carroll. Again.

HOLLY, QUASI-IRRATIONAL: Isn’t it entertaining, every November, to watch P-Car wax angry about how very number-one-y his team would be if they hadn’t dropped a cakewalk game for no reason? Like the return of the first robins of spring, only EVEN MORE REDDER AND AWESOME JACKED I’M LIKIN’ IT BRAH—yeah, whatever, USC’s complacent but they ain’t bad. Trojans.

#9 Oklahoma State at #2 Texas Tech

HOLLY, IRRATIONAL: [Lazy-assed OOOOOH, TAKE TEH OVER Y'ALL LOLZ bit] Texas Tech. Texas Tech will win this game, depressing Mike Gundy just enough to accept a generous offer from the University of Tennessee to become the next head coach of the Volunteers. He will bring Trooper Taylor back to Rocky Top; recruiting cachet will soar, the new clock rules will be abolished, Rick Neuheisel will go rapidly and unattractively bald, and unicorns with lollipops for hooves will roam the sidelines of all D-I schools at will.

ORSON, QUASI-RATIONAL: When faced with good defenses, Oklahoma State has refrained politely from scoring points by the gross: 24 against Texas, 28 against Missouri…strike that. Mizzou’s defense is not good,and they still sputtered against them. When let loose by the secondary and unpressured upfront, OK State will disintegrate a defense. With some pressure, though, they become only excellent on offense, and “only excellent” against Texas Tech will get you tortilla’d in Lubbock.

#5 Florida at Vanderbilt

Orson, IRRATIONAL. We’ll be there, and need tickets, because what has two thumbs, applied too late for a press pass, and wants to see Florida train a few orbital death lasers on an overmatched and offense-challenged Vandy team? THIS GUY.

HOLLY, IRRATIONAL: Vandy has a proud history of playing Florida tough when they have no business doing so. This, however, is no ordinary Florida team. Gators saunter through this one at a casual, deadly pace.

It is bad enough that Florida hasn’t won against Miami since 1985. Now Ms. “Oooh, Look at me I was head of Health and Human Services” is talking shit.

“We don’t admit thugs anymore. We do admit people that like to suntan, but those students are usually in the sun with a book in hand, and I think that’s a difference people overlook,” Shalala said. Right now UM is ranked at 52 and the University of Florida is ranked at 50, according to U.S. News & World Report. One of Shalala’s goals is to not only get into the top 50, but to do so before the football game in fall, so “UM can beat UF twice.”

OHHHH, IT IS ON BUREACRA-BITCH. Sure, you gave children access to health insurance with SChip, but Tim Tebow does not care about your puny bureaucratic accomplishments, nor your fine Ph.D from Syracuse University. We can take trash talk from the braided-up badasses from Miami Northwestern–respek, sirs–but yapping from a hobbit Clinton appointee? Warren Christopher gonna start some shit next, huh? (If so, Warren: Rwanda, asshole. Your bitch status=QEDMF.)

Don’t start no shit, won’t be no shit, Donna. But now you made us call Bob Graham and Bill Nelson, two dudes who bring bike chains and mad krues to the fight. There wasn’t going to be blood, Donna, but now you gone and done it. Bernie Machen’s gonna be waiting at the fifty with a stapler and a sack of nails…and not even your canny welfare reforms will save you, then.

P.S. See Barstoolio’s entry for the RambutanShalala. Eerily similar.

SHE BLENDS IN BECAUSE WITH HER FOUNDATION SHE’S ALREADY ORANGE!!!

Faux-queen remark typed and therefore expelled, we may now move on to two things. One, despite coaching for Tennessee, Bruce Pearl rules. (”There’s a difference between Pat and I. She has talent, and I have no shame.”) Two, Patrick’s doing fine work over at 35 Seconds, and you should read it if you’re into bas-ket-ball. We’ll be really into it in a few minutes, since we’re heading down to the SEC tournament at the Dome shortly.

Texas Gal’s knows how the Shorn Emu sings. Shocking, sad, and underreported news from Notre Dame’s spring scrimmage: Jimmy Clausen shaved his trademark Emu-do. Without the distractions, bourbon warrior Texas Gal focused on the important things: Tom Zbikowski’s Van Damme-esque buttocks.

In case you need a brain enema after that phrase……this will not help at all.

The matchup of cocaine and Jean Claude Van Damme in the prolapse of his career has been as inspired a pairing as Peter O’Toole/scotch, Joe Piscapo/nandralone, and David Lee Roth/rockclimbing. Um…football? Yes, football…

Smrt pepl lke futbaw. Particularly smart Republican ones. Meanwhile, baseball continues its slow death, while NASCAR reigns supreme among people who didn’t graduate high school. Stereotypes: full of vitamin fact!

Tom Dienhart, goin’ robo at work if this is any indication. Cough syrup is a hell of a drug. At least it better be to make someone construct a ranking of coaches where one can construct these inelegant statements:

Jim Grobe>Steve Spurrier
Kirk Ferentz>Urban Meyer
Tom O’Brien>Greg Schiano
Chan Gailey>Phil Fulmer

We hate Phil, but God’s Wounds! Chan? By the Hammer of Thor, we’ve got to break out some seriously exaggerated oaths to encompass how truly silly that list is. Richt at 23, in a job that’s tougher than most people know? Great Rama’s Lingam! Bobby Bowden over Joe Paterno? By the Silvery Feathers of Quetzalcoatl!

Yet another Michigan blog. It’s like you all can read AND use the computer, Wolverines. Literacy, bitches, literacy.

Mike Leach, healer of souls. The best college football blogger in the known universe has the pirate captain on for a bit of soul-healing advice to a reader in the latest installment of “Ask Mike Leach,” re: why his friends who did not attend his awesome, championship tramp of a school aren’t speaking to him.

It could also be they’re avoiding you because you’re an asshole. I was listening to public radio recently while I was mapping the inefficiencies of my local sewer system for my upcoming presentation to the Lubbock City Council, “Optimization of Collection System Maintenance Frequencies and System Performance,” and I heard a story about a guy who suddenly realized all his friends thought he was an asshole.

MIKE LEACH LISTENS TO THIS AMERICAN LIFE!!! Shocking. Too bad they’re ending the series, their long, arduous mission finally accomplished.

Mike Leach: Ira Glass fan, yes, ladykiller, no.

Science verifies reason. It makes marginally more sense to go on defense first in overtime, according to people who work with numbers and stuff. We’re thrilled that the Sabermetrics crew has drifted slowly over to football, a significantly more difficult subject of analysis than baseball. We just can’t wait to see who emerges as the despised Joe Morgan of the antiempirical mob. We’re guessing Mark May, though Bob Davie’s a good guess, too.

Because of the inanity of S*p*r Bowl copyright laws, everyone from Schleppy’s Pizza to Best Buy attempts to cash in on selling goods associated with the game by referring to it as “The Big Game” prior to S*p*r Bowl Sunday, a curious bit of verbiage your ear may have picked up as peculiar periphrasis in the rather direct world of advertising. The reason? Not being Official Sponsors of The S*p*r Bowl, they cannot use the proper name, and thus duck under the bar by simply referring to “The B#g G#m3.”

Football post-trademark laws: we were going to use this stock image, but someone’s got the copyright.

(Memo from EDSBS LEGAL: the NFL has previewed this post and requested the removal of all trademarked language. We’ll put it in language your puny non-lawyer brain can understand: President Camacho suggests you comply, vato. That goes for any references to the NFL’s championship game, the B#g G#me, or any other language they own. We’ll proof this for your protection afterwards. For reference, see NFL White Paper #48: Rules Regarding the English Language. All references hereafter refer to it.)

The B*g G#m3 (NFL White Paper #48) in collegiate terms refers to the historical tussle between Stanford and Cal, a name that through recent years has been applied more sarcastically than in reality. Nevertheless, the two f00tba77 (ibid.) t*amz (ibid.) have been playing together under the moniker since 1902, according to Cal f00tba77 (ibid.) historian Ron Fimrite. (Everyone’s got their specialties, we suppose. Imagine if your IRB proposal involved getting board permission to interview Steve Mariucci. Geeking out done, we continue.)

Cal and Stanford are countering the NFL claim by running to the arms of Collegiate Licensing Inc., our neighbors here in Atlanta who play the unusual part of hero here. They will likely grant the game its own brand name as the “Ir0n B0w7″ and “Teh R3d R1v3r Sh00t0ut” (hey, just being careful! one angry legal entity at a time!) have, and then k1ckk0ff the legal fireworks from there. It’ll be a tough issue to tAck73, (ibid.) sure, but that’s what lawyers are for.

Our prediction: the NFL gets up by a few t0uchd0wnZ (ibid), the Cal/Standford reps fight back with ferocious off3ns3 (ibid.), and the whole g@m3 comes down to a legal f13lD g0al (how many times are you going to make us do this? Ibid.) Then, B00m! (ibid.) The B*g G#m3 lives again.

By the way: the first google image result for “The Big Game?” Not what you’d think. At. All.

The Big Game Lip Grabber. Now suing the NFL for naming rights.

Only brave men and online status keep us safe from the menace of asteroids.

Dennis Dodd authored the piece entitled “Smoke but no fire: Banished Barnett blackballed.” Its topic: shocking enough, the alleged (we’re using that word as hard as we can) “conspiracy” against the rehiring of Gary Barnett, former coach at Northwestern and Colorado.

SMQ responded (pre-vacay/oasis/sabbatical to do “real life stuff” whatever) by first gimpifying, then bullwhipping the case into the corner with logic, and then forbidding it from speaking for a year in conclusion before renaming it “Howie.” His demolition–and we mean complete, total, laying waste to-age of the piece--is all you’ll need to read regarding the monumental, colossal, Lawrence Of Arabia style epicness of the piece. Dodd should have exited the Barnett interview with a twenty in his pocket for his troubles, or at least a crisp Alexander Hamilton and some Teriyaki Flavored Coach Barnett Buffalo Jerky.

The least Barnett could have done: a Hamilton.

What we didn’t expect following this, though: the fountain of support for Barnett following the piece. It’s been an outpouring, really, of testimonials and advocacy from a diverse group of professionals, world leaders, cultural figures, and celebrities we didn’t even know watched college football, much less knew who Barnett was. They’ve been emailing us and calling non-stop, and we thought that in the interest of fairness, we’d let them talk.

Charles Taylor, former President of Liberia.

“Gary is obviously an exceptional leader, a gifted communicator, and just the kind of individual with a proven track record of success to lead a Division-1 football team to success. I would not hesitate to cut off this man sitting next to me’s arms to prove my deep and abiding respect for him. He is truly an example of a trustworthy individual, something I have demonstrated by asking him to participate in the slow wire transfer of millions of dollars from my anonymous Swiss bank accounts to his American football camps via persistent and numerous emails to his personal account.”

Michael Brown, former FEMA director.

Heckuva job he did there, I think.

[NAME REDACTED], current Illinois head football coach.

I saw improvement in every team Gary Barnett every coached. They were exciting, even when they were losing by sixty to Texas. Every one of the problems they had at Colorado was correctable. Most of it wasn’t his problem anyway–just some noise in the system. He’ll get any team he coaches to get better and better.

Excuse me, I have a vending machine to assault.

Saw improvement.

Larry Garnett, regular old Colorado resident.

He’s just awesome, a walking, talking stalk of mantree with the vigor of six mountain lions. Honestly, I know men who’ve killed themselves just to try to impress him. Literally. A guy once bought a kodiak bear, starved it for three months, and then drove it to Colorado in a trailer just to show it to Coach, climb in the trailer, and then fight the bear just to try and impress the Coach. The guy got totally killed, of course. How cool was I–I mean, Barnett about it? He looked down at the guy, laying in pieces on the ground, and just said “Nice try” before choking the bear out, eating it for lunch, and then establishing a scholarship fund in the dead guy’s name. That’s just how cool a dude he is.

Captain Joseph Hazelwood, former Captain of the S.S. Valdez.

Yeah, Gary–it’s Gary, right?–Gary’s awesome. There’s no one better. Unemployment sucks, so someone should hire him.

I…I was told there’d be scotch.

Was told there’d be scotch.

Jim Delany, the commissioner of the Big Ten, does his job well. His job is to represent the interests of the corporation known as the Big Ten, something he’s done admirably. He integrated Penn State into the conference, made sure the fine Midwestern hog that is the Big Ten got a wide berth when he was helping build the BCS, and has helped usher in new revenue streams via “the Big Ten Network,” a football content provider coming to DirectTV only this fall. Jim Delany’s being proactive and visionary. Jim Delany’s turning in his TPS reports on time. He’s harmonizing synergies and being a charismatic problem-solver and self-starter.

Hi. I work for a failing mid-size paper company.

He’s also, to the average college football fan, a faceless powermonger with a rank list of heinous policy decisions to his credit, a few of which would be hanging offenses in a court of tailgaters. His big quote in a Yahoo! Sports article a while back was “I don’t work for college football at large.” His work in stitching together the mixed gristle and organs of college football into the BCS stands as a perfect example of his best and worst work: a skillfully negotiated pact between large partners with diverse interests generating huge piles of cash that almost everyone of any sense hates, a Frankenstein that almost resembles a living entity.

At least the old bowl system, corrupt and bucolic as it was, had some charm to it, and made few real claims to being a national title system. The BCS instead does it through a melange of computers and open politicking not dissimilar in tone to a four beer discussion at your local swillhole of choice. Its benefit relies more on enforcement of rules benefitting vested interests (especially the Big Ten) and less on creating the shiniest, most alluring carrot of all for the fan: truly open competition for a national title. Instead of a playoff bracket, you get the BCS: faceless, three letters as faceless and meaningless as a government bureaucracy, a simultaneous failure of imagination and vision lurching along like Peter Boyle in Young Frankenstein, minus the invigorating dance number.

That’s Delaney on the left, BCS on the right. They never do this, btw.

Delany adds to the list of hanging offenses with a hilariously frivolous broadside on the Big Ten’s website this week. Delany’s got a history of overreaction to criticism, and writes a new chapter in it with his defense of the Big Ten’s football record in response to Florida’s eyeball-scorching trunking of Ohio State in the BCS game. Its title? “To Fans of College Football and the Big Ten.” (Remember, to Delany, these aren’t necessarily the same people. He doesn’t give a rat’s ass about college football.)

The EDSBS Cliffs Notes begin, with Delany’s deathless prose excerpted below:

With the conclusion of another tremendous college football season and the recent national signing day, there has been a lot written and said about the Big Ten’s recruiting efforts across the country, including a recent article in the Chicago Sun-Times entitled “Big Ten needs to find new talent pool – fast” (see full article here). In response to these commentaries, it seems premature for us to lower our admission standards or give up on the tremendous talent pool in the Midwest.

Delany’s attempting to channel Frank Luntz here and spin the debate his way. Call it the “Healthy Big Ten Act,” with bumper harvests and screaming proletariats hailing the Chairman’s every word. Big Ten has dismal year in the bowls, Big Ten goes 2-5 = need for public defense of long-term bowl record and overall conference health. Marginally necessary, we say, and understandable despite the fact most college football fans don’t give a rat’s ass about conference affiliation and only follow their team.

Bumper harvests for the Big Ten! Smash bourgeois SEC negativity relentlessly!

Fine with us, save for the swipe at the end about lowering admissions standards, clearly a public finger in the eye to the SEC. This means two things in Delany’s siege-minded, “I represent the interests of the Big Ten only,” 18th-century brain: the SEC is the single biggest rival for attention, profits, and prestige, and that they’re recruiting Mongoloids who can’t read to play football. Which is true almost everywhere football is played, the Big Ten included. It’s unnecessary, provincial, and cheap of him, but then again, that’s what an oversensitive barrister playing strictly from the Talleyrand playbook will do: react, overreact, and overreact some more in only the most narrowly defined interests of his client.

Rolling on:

No doubt national programs must recruit nationally wherever the talented students and athletes live. Hats off to Florida and the SEC — they had a great year.

Because their football players can’t read, and have to be told not to eat their mouthpieces, which are not in fact tasty gelatin candies. Though they might want to consider making them out of firm gelatin, because you know they’ll just keep choking on those things.

We believe that both the Big Ten and the SEC have been and remain two of the greatest college football conferences in the country. But you may want to keep in mind the following as you review the various recruiting services, listen to talking heads and reflect the blogosphere out there as they compare these two fine conferences. I think most people would agree that head-to-head competition is an effective method to compare relative strengths between competitive entities:

And thus follows a whole bunch of stats about how good the Big Ten is, was, and will be, a fact virtually no one is disputing outside of the most deranged of message board snipefests. Another great political trick: make an argument no one’s really making, and then inveigh against it to deflect your real concern, which is that a region with stable or declining population is losing ground in a regionally recruited sport over the past forty years. The Big Ten is as competitive as its been since the glory days of the 50s and 60s, and has won two national titles in the past ten years. Why go bazooka here because of one popgun year?

Because Delany’s attempting to sell the Big Ten name, a more important branding than ever given the creation of their extremely stupidly packaged “BigTen Network.” He’s thinks the value is in the league, not the sport as a national whole. And for his paycheck, that is the correct assumption.

I love speed and the SEC has great speed, especially on the defensive line, but there are appropriate balances when mixing academics and athletics. Each school, as well as each conference, simply must do what fits their mission regardless of what a recruiting service recommends.

Umm, excuse us. Que? Reviving the swipe at the SEC, the guy who oversaw the Fab Five scandal at Michigan flings shit at the conference with a well-worn record of violations. Again, if it’s easy, convenient, and in my interests, I’m Jim Delany and I’m doing it to the point of overkill. And what the hell does a recruiting service get into this? Ohio State and Florida, the two teams inspiring the comparison in the first place, make for a disastrous comparision since Florida, the place with all of that non-academics-compatible speed, has marginally higher admissions standards than Ohio State. This isn’t saying OSU sux0rz in skoolz or anything, it’s just pointing out that the comparison flops from the start, and is disingenous.

In fact, the two bowl defeats from the Big Ten to the SEC this year both run downhill academically. Wisconsin (better school) beat Arkansas (not better school), and Tennessee (where you have, unbeknownst to you, already earned an urban studies degree through your reading of Vibe Magazine,) lost to Penn State, which ranks somewhere around a push.

What are you gonna do with all those Vibe Magazine subscriptions? Get yourself a degree, son.

The academic debate’s a canard, and Delaney knows it. He subverts the actual debate by tossing out the cheap inflammatory crapulence of “higher academic standards” when there’s little from the bowls to suggest any connection between the two.

Our favorite slice coming up, with frosting and everything:

I wish we had six teams among the top 10 recruiting classes every year, but winning our way requires some discipline and restraint with the recruitment process.

Translation: “I wish I could have as many boyfriends as you do, but I’ve got this horrible thing called “Not Being a Total Whore” I can’t get over.” Who knows what Delaney hopes to achieve here, other than defending the Big Ten’s somnolent ethos regarding PR and recruiting. The Big 12 and the SEC have consistently abandoned shame and “decorum” (whatever that means–see?) to advance their football programs in the public eye.

Championship games, public stumping from Mack Brown and Urban Meyer for bowl slots, outlandish recruiting tactics…it’s all a matter of public record. Does it conflict with the academic mission of a university? Certainly debatable, unless you’re like us and are willing to consider teams as semi-professional teams sewed to the hide of major universities who value them for their cash and the overall vibe they sell to potential students.

Yet for the major force behind the BCS, someone who approved the worthless 12th game, and the pope of the Big Ten Network to cry foul on a unversity’s overcommitment to football in the name of Mammon stinks of eau d’hypocrite. For one year only, other college football cabals did it faster, better, and stronger than his conference. The Big 12, SEC, and whomever else may be whores, but their business models are nimbler than yours this season, stealing boyfriends and putting all your potential recruits on rock rock.

Therein lies the sting, and the barely concealed spite behind the letter. Delaney’s only real recourse is to act like Angela from The Office and begin pointing sanctimonious fingers…while screwing Dwight Schrute on the side. And the rest is just more veiled screeching unworthy of fisking.

Hi. You might recognize me from my job as the chosen representative of the Big Ten.

The Big Ten’s ultimate problem isn’t a lack of speed, moxie, or prestige: it’s a problem of demography. The Midwest’s two most populous states, Pennsylvania and Ohio, aren’t keeping pace with the explosive population growth in the top five boomers: Florida, Texas, California, Arizona and Georgia. This leaves the Big Ten fighting over talent in their largest states, Pennsylvania and Ohio, a move recruitniks have been trendspotting and discussing for years. The edges other conferences will have in the long run result from population shifts.

This happens in other conferences, too. Look at the blighted Big 12 North for a perfect example of this. It’s not like large swaths of Iowa look like something out of Logan’s Run…yet. Schools like Iowa have already begun to adapt, though, recruiting diamonds in the rough and working their resources to the max. That trend to “adapt or die” must continue and spread if recruiting trends maintain their downward trajectory for the conference. But numbers don’t lie–the only really viable national contenders in the national title picture for the Big Ten have to have pipelines to big population centers: Chicago, the whole state of Ohio, and Pennsylvania. And even then you’ll have difficulty keeping up with the sheer range of goodies pumped out by public schools in blossoming Sun Belt communities.

It’s a matter of margins and numbers. No amount of bitchcraft by Jim Delaney will change that, and neither will walling up the Big Ten on Direct TV, a move comparable to selling your kidney for beer money in the long run. He’s boldly leading the charge back to 1982, legwarmers, skinny tie and all. Fine with us. After all, Delaney’s not working for the interests of college football, but rather the Big Ten, which makes him nothing to the average fan like us but…well, nothing at all.

It’s hot. It’s edgy. It’s heartland for the red-staters and camp for the blue-staters. It’s Ugly Betty meets Dos Mujeres, Un Camino, and Friday Night Lights all at once. We call it:

Las Cronicas Locas De Boss Hawg!!!

The latest chapter written in the smash hit is that Gus Malzahn–the gaucho on the horse up there–has left the Arkansas program for a position coordinating the offense at Tulsa. This comes with no appreciable pay raise, since he’ll be making the same money he made at Arkansas. The new position includes no heartwarming sentimental bonus as Malzahn has no historical connection to the Tulsa program, and has been a football coach in Arkansas for his entire professional life.

The speculative bonus for Malzahn here–facts are for weenies and socialists, sir–comes with a freer reign over the offense, something Nutt never seemed to allow Malzahn to have over the course of the year. The offense seemed to regress over the course of the year, actually, with fewer and fewer of Malzahn’s spread sets used and more and more of Boss Hawg’s cromag offense creeping back in at crucial moments. Towards the end, Malzahn was being paid six figures to call wacky double reverse passes, a job we frankly envy.

The numbers, she don’t lie.

2005 Arkansas Offense

PPG: 25.7
Rushing offense: 216.9 ypg, First in SEC
Passing offense: 143.7 ypg, 11th in SEC

2006 Arkansas Offense

PPG: 28.9
Rushing offense: 228.5 ypg, First in SEC
Passing offense: 149.5 ypg, 11th in SEC

Malzahn’s offense looked only marginally different in terms of effect that Nutt’s, meaning that either Malzahn picked up a sudden affinity for devolved RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN offenses straight off the pages of a 1982 Coaching Monthly magazine, or Nutt did what many suspected all along: hired Malzahn to get VHT blue-chipper Mitch Mustain and a few other Springdale recruits on board before wresting control of the offense back from Malzahn and running things the way he felt most comfortable; that is, by running.

With Malzahn gone, Nutt will have complete control again, likely quashing the parental uprising Boss Hawg faced just after the close of the season from the parents of the aforementioned Springdale parents. (Presumably, the parents assumed Malzahn had some influence over what happened at the program. Obviously not watchers of Las Cronicas Locas de Boss Hawg. For shame!)

You say, the saga is over then? Never! The passion never ends in the world of telenovelas, amigos. Perhaps Nutt will seduce another recruit by hiring his coach, or pull another bait-and-switch by hiring the unemployed father of a potential gamebreaker as his driver. You don’t get to be Don of the Hacienda by being stupid, no? As always, the only certainty on the haciendais…PASSION!

Unfortunately, he ranked Florida’s women next to last, just above the fine farm girls from Mississippi State. In this unfortunate oversight, Clay has overlooked not only the basic tenets of research design, but has made a crucial error in his basic understanding of evolution and mating strategies that could endanger his reader. There are dangers out there, men. This article is a warning about them.

You see, Clay would die in the wild, and his offspring–should they ever be born–would be eaten by wolves and birds of prey. In the ages-old interplay between male and female, Clay would certainly be a pawn–or perhaps just a mere checker–becoming both slave and feast for his masterful mate. Picking Ole Miss makes this all too apparent.

Explanation of the steps used to trap Darwin’s fools in the dating process follow:

1. Excessive use of camouflage. Ole Miss women certainly fit a very common understanding of attractiveness: heavily mascaraed, blushed, and lipsticked into perfection. Beware wearing of dark blazers or other clothing around them; a direct hit with their face, or even a slight brush, will cover your finery with synthetic fat-infused cosmetics. Also comes off on your face when you’re kissing them, which sucks, especially if–in true collegiate fashion–you’re doing it behind someone’s back. Lipstick has killed as many men as the French Pox, men. This is something you must not forget.

Does makeup mean a no-go? Certainly not. Most women wear to shut other women up. But beware the perfect storm of feminine wile: like wasps who waste valuable hours of their lives mating with orchids that look like female wasps, so too do men blow valuable decades married to the cunning and stunning.

Look closer: there’s a tiny sorority sweater on that mantis.

2. Saccharine overtures.

Also beware the saccharine gesture disguising the devil’s contract. Such gestures are really a code, unknown for generations and brought back for us by our network of spies. Remember: many bachelor spies’ best years died for this information.

Unwitting, doomed male: “Hey, you wanna go out sometime?”

Male to English translation: “God, your boobs are big. And you’ve got on makeup and coordinated clothing? It’s gonna be so much fun touching your boobs!!! You smell of wealth and sex and bein’ together and stuff. Boobs.”

Ole Miss Woman of the Old South Variety: “Whaaaayyyy, that sounds nice. Whut taaaime?”

Female to English. “I have chosen you to be my potential mate, young meatling. You will be administered a series of tasks, many of which you will fail. This happens by design, since my father, Bucksley MacAllister the Fourth, is the paragon of all that is masculine and perfect for me, and will always be. The grave will only enhance his stature in my mind, so don’t count on death eliminating the problem, sucker.

And yet a wedding will occur. And you, you will either pick up a professional degree of some sort or go to work in my father’s business. And all you do–we mean all–will come to dust, since it will all pale to the shining Barbie House Daddy has built for me. I will bear offspring, yes; but the sex will end. I’ll still wear the makeup–it wasn’t for you, anyway, but the lifelong siege campaign against other women I’m engaged in–but when I do have sex, don’t ask for head. It messes up the lipstick.

In exchange, I will let you crawl into a bottle of bourbon and commit a thirty-year suicide. We will only come to life on Saturdays, where we may root for the same football team, part of the elaborate trap that will end with you spending every offseason Saturday in a stinking duck blind to get away from me and every Sunday on your knees praying for death.

Oh, maahhh, I DO carry on sometimes..

3. Daddy. If at any point she actually refers to her father as Daddy, flee the scene immediately. Remember, if necessary make a Batman-style exit with smoke grenade if necessary. If there’s a cliff, leap. You’re saving yourself trouble in the long run, trust us.

One way to end the problem, sure.

Outgoing coach Darrell Dickey–already fired and coaching out the string–is doing the coaching equivalent of stealing every paper clip he can on the way out the door before mailing one last “fuck you” letter round the server. To wit:

According to parents of current players, right before Saturday’s game Coach Dickey snuck new black uniforms onto the team without the school’s permission. The rec-league quality jerseys, pictured here, didn’t contain the names of players or the school and conference logos. They weren’t cleared with Athletic Director Rick Villareal or announced to the press before the game and might violate agreements with the school’s uniform supplier.

During halftime of the game, offensive coordinator Ramon Flanagan allegedly started a physical fight with wide receivers Coach Chip Garber after being told he should play seniors because it was their final home game. The incident got so out of hand the offense received no instruction before going back out to start the third quarter.

Jeff Bowden, of course, has been a real visionary by doing just that in the first quarter. Viva hate! (HT: Ben Maller.)

University of North Texas football: feel the dysfunction!

Nominees include:

Mack Brown. He won the national championship last year, right? Give ‘em a trophy for the hell of it. Something tells me the “casual fan” on the board made this nomination after the crew rejected the names “Barry Switzer” and “Tom Osborne” from the same party.

Bob Stoops. Yeah, same guy. He’s really looking forward to his corporate seats at the Fiesta this year. The in-box spread is amazing–and he’s not just talking about the food, if ya know what I mean wocka wocka!!!

Tommy Tuberville. “We just like the sound of it. Kind of like a kids’ show hero, you know.”

Upjurs Jimgrobe. We’re not sure who this is, but we know the ‘j’ is pronounced a la the Swedish. Other nominees include Nantahala State’s Gofer Kyerselfgrobe, University of Chulalongkorn Men’s Football coach Sukit Jeemgrobe, and Maui Technical College’s coach “Nineanwun Izeazyeh.”

Upjurs Jimgrobe: a better coach than this guy, evidently.