1. Suspenders, for the 746th week in a row.

2. Whole Plums. Codgers swear by prunes, but the pits are key. The digestive aid you can hear working.

3. Ted’s Drive-thru Smoked Fish, Liquor, and Mens Finery, A1A, West Palm Beach. All your needs in one place.

4. Accountants who don’t turn out to be housecats. I’ll get you, Colby Nolan.

5. Clydesdales. Mass transit Kentucky-style.

6. Squirrels. You’d think they’d make great corners, but we tried that in ‘85. Got us to a bowl game, but I wouldn’t dare try it twice.

(more…)

The good doctor once did this better than we possibly could, but the piece is lost somewhere in the mists of the internet in the cached archives of Sunday Morning Quarterback.

The header on this video is “One of the worst offensive series ever in college football,” and if you limit the definition of “worst” to “a series where, while not turning the ball over for a change of possession or a score, the offense displays repeated, consistent, and diverse ways of stepping face first in front of the red boxing glove on an expanding arm time and time again,” then yes; we’re talking about what might legitimately be not one, but the worst series of offensive football every played.

Ladies and gentlemen: Nicholls State versus Northwestern State. Northwestern has the ball on the Nicholls State 47, and is down 33-14. Watch from between your fingers if you have to.

1st and 10: incomplete pass. The best drive for Northwestern State all drive, as it is merely an incompletion.

2nd and 10: Illegal procedure, NW State. Also, an oncoming pass rusher flies sideways into the qb’s knee after the play. (more…)

Hey, kids. If you’re reading this, it’s because we were in the emergency room all night getting a pesky couple of broken transverse processes of the L1 and L2 lumbar vertebrae taken care of by the fine medical professionals at Emory Hospital. You ever had Dilaudid? It’s like morphine, but with robot arms, a trust fund, and a horrendous gambling problem. We met last night.

Play me off for 6-8 weeks, Keyboard Cat.

No permanent or lasting damage, as the piece of angry, disunited bones in my back aren’t load bearing. They do hurt like I swallowed a plugged-in soldering gun, which is why I’m waking up in a few hours to dust off some more delicious, nutritious Percocet.

Thanks to all the well-wishers on Twitter and Facebook. (Our phone doesn’t work, as the iPhone battery died last night, too.) It’s pill and sleep time, and we’ll see what “we” feel like tomorrow.

Bill Stewart: “We’ve got enough coal to heat the world. We’ve got enough oil in this state to lubricate the world.”

If you doubt he actually said it:

So, attention bears, twinks, circuit boys, fluffers, power bottoms, greasers, dry-runners, barebackers, dogs-in-the-bath freaks, poofters, and those struggling with Dry Clam Syndrome around the nation: Bill Stewart says West Virginia can not only help you out, but keep you warm in the process. Albeit, you may have black lung when you finish whatever it is you plan to do with that oil, but sickness of the lungs and pneumatic system makes one lusty in a Doc Holliday kind of way.

Small-time D1 programs must claw their way up with the support of mega-boosters and the largesse bestowed on them by larger programs in exchange for getting their teeth kicked in on Saturdays. Desperate measures, but by no means the limit in terms of the extremes programs will go to in order to raise money for the program, up to and including holding “networking benefits” for the athletic program with entertainment better fitting a retirement home than a fundraiser.

It all sounds ordinary enough, until you realize that Natasha Lipschtick & the Psychic Yentas will be at hand to read palms, lip prints, handwriting, Tarot cards, shells, sand, auras, tea leaves, crystal balls, and even wallets (they’ll be especially interested in those).Geddy the (Breakdancing) Gecko, a nationally acclaimed mascot-for-hire since 1995, will add flair to the festivities, which include: a DJ, a “Summer Basics” fashion show, a 2-for-1 Happy Hour, food, gaming, prize drawings, and a UFO fly-by. That last part’s made up, but it shouldn’t be ruled out — when the Psychic Yentas are in town, the impossible becomes possible. The shindig runs from 6 — 8 p.m. Tickets cost $25; $20 if you RSVP.

Tickets still available! Clearly there’s a disconnect here. (Though perhaps the intent is to suck confused retirees in and then get them to write checks for robot insurance in the form of football players protecting their community.) All the FAU athletic department need to do is print up a simple flyer sans expensive psychics and fashion show. It should look something like this:

plus (more…)

The offseason survival guide would like to help you through this long, football-free offseason. In order to speed up this process, we’re all going back to 1979 to learn to be smooth. Crack open the champale and get your SMU jersey out. It’s about to get smoother than you ever imagined, albeit in a non-football way.

A Smooth House. The whole idea of smooth is to pretend you’re living on a houseboat in California, or in a ski house in Vail. (Not Aspen–that’s so 80s, man.) If you don’t have a houseboat in California, that’s fine: purchase a houseboat somewhere else. The houseboat should come equipped with a hot, lanky woman who wakes up in a bikini on it four or five days a week. She should be a marine biologist, or failing that,

If you can’t find a houseboat equipped with a hot, lanky woman in a hip-hugger two-piece, or just can’t find a houseboat, you must consider purchasing a home in the woods. The home should be made of pine cut into boards set at 45 degree angles, and it should feature wraparound decks, huge bay windows in geometric shapes, and an irregular offset roof with a window across the top. It should be decorated in mostly browns, feature lots of rugs and wicker furniture, and have a hot tub you can go into naked with some pink champagne and a brunette majoring in ecology or some shit like that.

Oh, and a fireplace with a rug in front of it, because that’s where you get your smooth lovin’ on. It’s as key as blow, backgammon, and Dallas on Friday nights.

Fondue. No class smoothness can happen without fondue. It’s important if you’re classing up to the Smooth Life to have a primo fondue set. (more…)