0:12–MEN! He always starts by addressing the team as men. Sexist pig, that Lou.

0:29–Refers to Baton Rouge as “The toughest environment in the world.” We call bullshit, Lou. Have you ever played football in the caldera of Kilauea? Or at Fashion Week in Paris? Because those bitches can be savage without ever making a tackle and have you crying into a candy dish full of blow before you know what happened.

Or that hell-stadium from the old Eric Cantona Nike commercial, Lou–ever think about that? They tried to kill Patrick Kluivert, Lou! Satan wouldn’t do that. (Actually, that’s exactly what we imagine Death Valley to be like down to the flames, blind refs, and dogs on the sidelines.)

0:44–Lou says “happiness is having a short memory.” There’s a joke here, but we can’t remember what Lou just said, and therefore will got to the fridge for some Craisins. YAY CRAISINS!

0:52–We’re so happy.

1:02–Lou’s got a newspaper out. Says the editorial page is for “people who can’t think.” Considering that Lou’s ripping up a USA Today, we’ll give him that one uncontested.

1:10–Oh shit. He’s not…

1:15–He is.

1:32–Lou Holtz just stole my reality and drove it into a retaining wall at 90 miles an hour. Instead of exploding, though, it turned to butterflies and dollar bills. It’s pennies from heaven, Lou!

1:44–”I wake up screaming in the middle of the night because I can’t figure it out myself.” It’s like you can see into our soul, Lou. We take back everything bad we’ve ever said about Lou Holtz, since the rest of his life has simply been a warmup for this role as the man who takes a pastry gun of madness, plants it firmly in your ear, and injects your skull full of pure creamy madness through the magic of television. We’re smoking LSU on their homefield now–he ripped up a newspaper and put it back together with his mind, man! If a 68 pound man can do that on national television, imagine what we’re capable of…men.

Begin.

Sprint/Nextel bitches.

Yet, we think we’ve met the first player we actually would love to hang with on a weekly basis: Michigan’s own Marques “Grand Marques” Slocum. His quiz on his facebook entry is reprinted below, and we don’t mean this in a snickering, elitist, or ironic way at all: Marques sounds fucking awesome. In fact, we’re calling our mom right now to tell her she’s the realest bitch alive. She’ll appreciate it, since she did say “motherfucker” live on the EDSBS radio show.

Sprint/Nextel, bitches. Enjoy.

(Begin edited interview. Questions in italics, answers in bold.)

What is your favorite song of all time?

Just another n***a- state property II

Do you own any pets, and if so what do you have?

Fuck lion say what!

i got a fuck lion now come fuck wit me

Who do you admire most?

My mom CARLA, dat bitch da shit, i love her i think she da realest bitch alive

Do you have any tattoos, and if so what and where?

fuckin real

When do you plan on getting married?

it dont matta cuz i hope my wife know ima be playa 4 life

Get the number or give the number?

i would have 2 say bof

Romance or Kinky Sex?

it dont matta however i can get it

How do you feel?

i feel like killin somebody so dont be dat person… lol….not really dont be dat person

What size shoe do you wear?

a big enouf size 2 boot chu da fuck up outta here

T-Mobile, U.S. Cellular, Cingular/AT&T, or Sprint/Nextel

sprint/nextel bitch! dey got da best phones

Would you rather be hot or cold?

fuckin warm fuck dat hot shit and dat cold shit Id rather it be in da middle

Would you rather lose an arm or a leg?

what da fuck! i needs bof of my muthafuckin body parts

Opera, Musical, Concert, Play, Performance, or Other?

opera- no, musical- no, concert- maybe. play- no, performance- fuuuuuuuuuuuck no, other- no

What is your favorite clothing brand?

state property, im on my philly shit im on my jawn… lol

Most Memorable Past?

shit i couldnt tell u cuz i dont know

If you had to pick one car, which would it be?

96 impala ss

Your favorite Disney Films?

fuck disney

Why did the chicken cross the road?

cuz he was all fiend out

Do you support Paris?

why should i

Where is Waldo?

Waldo: eaten by fuck lion, presumably.

i killed dat punk muthafucka he owed me money

Favorite element?

i would have 2 go with………….. water

What was your last thought?

why da fuck am i doin dis interview

Firefox, Internet Explorer, Netscape, or other?

i dont give a fuck i just want 2 get on

Who are you going to vote for in 2008?

me

Juice and crackers or milk and cookies?

i want sum milk and cookies

Favorite fruit?

watermelon

Which is worse? A bad laugh or a bad cough?

dam mafucka u just fucked up da mood, i guess i aint sayin no more jokes

Are you a cat or a dog person?

im fuckin wit a rock or a pit just so it can cha cat

Would you rather be blind or deaf?

deaf btu dam neither

Define yourself in 3 words…

im da shit

Do you eat cold cereal at night?

what da fuck is cold cereal

What is your favorite TV show?

the wire

Kill the spider or let it out?

man! fuck dat spider

Do you shower every single day?

shit i at least get a bird bath but yea i shower everyday dis summer its 2 hot not 2

Walking past a beggar, spare change or ignore?

shit ima be askin him 4 sum change

Boat or bus?

bus bitch! i cant swim

Where do you want to travel next?

da future

Fuck Bubbles.

What would you do if Michael Jackson asked you out

I be like yea and den ima rob em’, ima steal all his shit and im stealin bubbles and im sellin dat muthafucka

What is your favorite food?

I like 2 licky licky licky licky… lol

Do you read harry potter books?

who da fuck is dat!

If you could have one super human power what would you choose?

come on now i wanna fly i hate walkin dat shit overrated

Have you had a beer in the last week?

shit I downed a forty last night in 2min. and 37sec. yea, beerfest bitch! im ready 4 da boot!

Vitamin Water or Gatorade?

Bof of dem shits is nasty but i fuck wit gatorade

Favorite body part?

my whole fuckin body

Flip flops or sandles?

come on now! what type of question is dat?

What do you do on fridays?

whatever da fuck i feel like doin

Do you like bananas?

do u

Phil. Steele.

Note: buy Phil new t-shirt.

You are not ready.

Cooter returns. Alleluia.

Between Cooter and Mike Hunt, the vajayjay-themed humor quotient in the SEC just went, like, Trevigintillion-big.

“Cooter’s keeping cool in the heat with a new hairstyle: shaved.”

“Ainge has learned a lot from Cooter: where to put it, when to go deep, when to go short, and most importantly, when to pull it out and run.”

“Weather’s going to be an issue today, especially with communication between the coaches and the quarterback. Cutcliffe’s in the box, which is dry. But Ainge has a very wet Cooter on the sidelines to help him get what he needs.”

“Ainge throws a pick! And wow, that’ll make Cooter hot every single time.”

Thanks to Tennessee’s human resources division for making this happen. We needed new jokes to drive into the ground, and lo, like pennies from heaven, they’ve arrived.

–Beautiful, sun blasted Gainesville this weekend, a place redolent with the smell of rotting vegetation, cheap beer, and burritos, and the smell of people actually tailgating for the spring’s Orange and Blue game: that was our weekend, combined with ten hours in the car and a hefty dose of Guitar Hero 2 on Saturday night. (”Beast and the Harlot” is hrrrrrrd, d00d.)

Ahhh…sun-blasted Gainesville. That’s not us in the foreground, incidentally.

As with any spring game, any bit of good news might potentially be bad news, since any amazing block, nifty catch, or clean sack might as a result of poor play on the other side, a side that happens to be the other half of your favorite team. This explains the odd reactions to any good play made at the Orange and Blue game, where an initial WOOOOO usually had a trailing grumble grumble grumble or OHHHHHHhhh accompanying it.

So 40,000 plus at Florida Field turned out to test out their inner Janus on Saturday, cheering but also parsing each play for meaning and import at the same time. Spring games always make us feel like the illegitimate child of the Oracle of Delphi and Ron Jaworski: half the time we’re working Xs and Os in real time from the stands, and the rest of time we’re left looking at chicken innards trying to figure out just who’ll manage to actually play well in real games.

The only clear trends you can take away from the game have to be the most obvious, glaring ones. Like these:

Tim Tebow hates non-contact jerseys. But defenders didn’t seem to mind; on plays where Tebow scrambled or took off on a designed run, he pulled up on two hand touches with an irritated turn, clearly miffed that he couldn’t plow into people. The defender who can bring him down solo will be rare, which you could have guessed. What you may not know is that this year’s Tebow, Cam Newton, showed the same willingness to run headlong into the fray, even if he spent most of the first half dropping shotgun snaps and throwing high and wide over the middle. Quarterback runs, a large part of the offense last year, will only grow in importance as Meyer now has two baby rhinos giddy about dragging the game of football back to the 1950s.

Sore shoulders=touch. Tebow had a sore shoulder for most of spring and it allegedly only improved him. He threw the ball with touch, accuracy, and poise both from the pocket and on the run, going for 217 yards and 3 tds in what was essentially a half’s worth of work.

A sore shoulder made him better. Meyer now plans to hobble him to make him a better runner.

Most of these weren’t the cringe-inducing yields ripped wholesale from a weak secondary, either. Tebow completed tight passes through good coverage all day, including a few on the fake bubble screen which seems wickedly difficult to defend. (The play will certainly be run with Harvin in the slot, forcing defenses to defend him, allowing for a huge gap upfield for an easy reception. Imagining this play run between Louis Murphy deep and Harvin short with Tebow free to run…that’s our porn, people.)

Chevon Walker must learn to pass block. Because according to Meyer, that’s what’s keeping him from outright ownership of the tailback position. He ran for seventyish in the game, most in the first half, breaking tackles and attracting swarms of tacklers before going down. He’s the hardest runner at Florida since Ciatrick Fason, and with a deep and savvy offensive line blocking for the zone read plays, Tebow/Walker will make things very, very nasty on linebackers.

Brandon Spikes can transfer energy very fluidly. Particularly kinetic energy, as in the kind you impart to another object when you hit it. Spikes won the award for most NAHs on the day, cracking pads with a ferocity you don’t naturally expect given his rather lean frame. We watched no one but him for a five minute span at one point. He’s strong and makes pads sing, yes, but his footwork is dazzling; if he weren’t a football player he’d be a wicked tennis pro, because he zipped back and forth in coverage like Q-bert, never getting caught on his heels and breaking up passes with arms that can cover multiple passing lanes with ease. He’s this year’s Reggie Nelson, the brain of the coverage defense who feels the flow of the play prior to anyone else realizing it.

As blitz-happy as Strong can be, he’d be wise to play Tampa 2 more this year with Brandon roaming the midfield. Spikes is forcing us into our second player comparison of the day, since his footwork and telescoping arms resemble no one so much as Derrick Brooks, the fleet weak side linebacker that made Tampa Bay’s cover 2 the model for the NFL. Spikes is either that or Dr. Octopus with better abs. We’re really not sure.

Brandon Spikes: nimble in coverage and on the runway.

Louis Murphy and Tebow can speak with their minds. Receivers got the historical hyperbole gland working overtime: Caldwell, Ingram, Murphy, Harvin, and Fayson seem to be as good as one could pull out of the Florida history barrel at once. (Hey, go back to 96 if you want–Nafis Karim was fifth, and all five of these five pwn him.)

Murphy, though, has some spooky telepathy with Tebow. Murphy went for 129 yards on 8 receptions with a TD, and could easily slide into the Dallas Baker default receiver slot this year. Like Baker, he’s impossible in one on one situations, with long arms, a healthy ability to levitate, and a knack for putting himself in perfectly equidistant position between two defenders in the zone.

Caldwell blazed, Harvin didn’t even play, and Fayson made an absurd one-handed catch. Receiver’s just fine.

Defensive line is still a mystery.DE Jermaine Cunningham ran clean curves around the offensive line, and Derrick Harvey didn’t play, so we’ll assume end is set. Tackle, however, is a toss-up. Brandon Antwine played well in bursts, but no one made the guards and center roller skate backwards until well into the fourth quarter. It’s a potential weak spot, albeit one with immense potential.

So is the defensive backfield. Kyle Jackson still has flammable potential, and did little to assuage that fear on Saturday. The young corners performed well, but still gave up substantial yardage. Whether this is due to WR awesomeness or their own lack of skill is a riddle of spring that won’t be answered until someone goes up top and deep off play-action in the fall. We’ll be casting spells and tossing chicken blood around when they do–consider yourself warned.

Haiku summary of Florida at this moment:

Offense, scoring points
Like rain on slopes of Taishan.
Defense? Mystery.

They’ll likely discuss money, too. Lots of it. In the hypothetical and real senses of the word. In fact, we have a copy of Bernie Machen’s entire presentation to the collected heads of SEC schools:

That’s likely it for the underlying semantics of the argument: MMMMMM CASH TASTY SWEET CASH. The money the BCS generates now as an awkward resolution to the season would pale in comparison. Rampant speculation of the sort bloggers get chastised for has floated through various MSM pieces: that Machen’s agitating for this because his school’s been on the outside of the BCS looking in at Utah, blah blah blah.

If there’s lucre to loll in, however, it must be considered the catalyst of Machen’s advocacy binge. For Machen and other university presidents, their chunk of a hypothetical national playoff contract for college football and the addition of still more games to the college football season/postseason ticket menu can only mean more money in the bank for colleges–potentially brain-injuring amounts of cash from television in particular.

Example: the current BCS pot is around $120 million; seventy-five percent of that total flies straight into the accounts of the six major conferences of the BCS. In contrast, CBS paid $6 billion for an eleven year contract for the NCAA Men’s Tournament in basketball, a sport whose popularity can’t come within zip codes of the overall popularity of college football.

The hypothetical sums for a BCS contract have got to make university presidents–ever on the make for fresh, strings-free funding–erect under their mahogany board tables. It also could sound the death knell of the current BCS system. Bernie flashed a little leg at an Atlanta meeting in March; the full rabbit-in-the-hat trick comes at the Destin meetup. We say make it rain, sir, on them hoes. College football fans will be the ones dancing happily for the cash in the end.

ESPN’s College Football Spring Fling (presented by a corporate sponsor to be named later) could feature a full day and night of offseason football action.

Seriously, how could one spring football game _ or one spring jamboree _ be a bad thing for college football?

A fair question. We’re in favor of it, but then again, Pete Doherty’s in favor of beer. Someone not as depraved as we are should discuss this responsibly because WE WANT GIMME GIMME NOWWWWWW.

Pete Doherty: also an addict in need…of sunlight, among other things.

…only this time with such innovations as sound quality, a moderator for callers, and interstitial music and commercials that won’t deafen you. We’ve moved the show to the Now! Network–check the preview page here–and will have someone manning the boards for us, controlling sound quality, and exterminating all of the bugs that bedeviled the initial installment of the show.

The details:

What: EDSBS Radio

When: 8:00 p.m.–9:00 p.m. EST

Where: On the EDSBS channel at Now Live.

How: To call in? (310) 984-7600. You may also register at Now Live and participate in the live chat, where we’ll be taking comments and working them into the broadcast.

Why: Because you, like us, need to confess to the fact that you’re going to tailgate your spring practice game like the desperate, depraved person you truly are.

Who: Peter Bean of Burnt Orange Nation and Orson from this website, along with special guest Warren St. John of the New York Times and the best book ever written about college football fandom, Rammer Jammer Yellow Hammer.

The five questions from last time have been whittled down to four questions. To prepare ahead of time, your study list appears below:

1. What do you know about your team going into spring practice?

2. Better still…what don’t you know about your team going into spring?

3. What’s your offseason coping mechanism?

4. What’s a badass death?

The final question has to do something with a long running debate between EDSBS attorney to the stars Weo Lee and ourselves as to what constitutes a badass death. His prime examples:

–Brad Pitt’s death in Legends of the Fall where he fights a bear.

–This eagle:

About 10,000 Juneau residents briefly lost power Jan. 28 after a bald eagle lugging a deer head crashed into transmission lines.

The eagle “got a hold of a little bit more than he could handle,” Wood said.

–A hypothetical he’s been refining for years where he plays a guitar solo on top of a jet that’s just dropped a tactical nuclear weapon into a hurricane off the coast of Florida. Did we mention he’s wearing a speedo and a hockey mask, too?

These will be on the exam tonight. Prepare accordingly. And hey, they’re taking us on the network despite us bringing down the overall hotness of the operation considerably. After all, Adrianne Curry is one of the hosts on the network, and she married Peter Brady. That’s uber-hott.

We’re bringing the ass factor in the neighborhood down considerably.

1. By your punter.

2. By someone you love.

3. In cel-animated multilingual glory:

Orson/Stranko,

PS….Do I get any sponsor money?

No on the sponsor money, but we were flattered nonetheless, especially since he’s going to have to go around with EDSBS on his car tags long after we’ve sold the domain to a Mexican bootleg pharma site. (Mexican Viagra! Now with added powdered donkey penis for flavor and potency!)

So we said what the hell–sure. After all, if any fan of any team could legally lay claim to owning a site written by Florida alums, it’s an Auburn grad in 2006. Plus it’s a sentiment any college football fan must by definition agree with: every day should be Saturday, really. It’s a transcendent message that disregards team affiliation.

The story comes full circle now as Mr. Baddley’s got his license plate. We can honestly say it’s the most beautiful thing we’ve ever seen, including newborn infants, the sunrise over the Gulf of Siam, and Ike Hilliard’s “Brake ‘n Shake” touchdown versus Florida State in 1996.

The plate is still available in 50 out of 51 license plate-issuing principalities. Hurry before supplies run out!

Excuse us, while we wipe a tear away.

However, we would like to remind what you’re missing by not watching every installment of Univision’s Republica Deportiva. Watch the clip below; why Fox isn’t already doing this for every sport is inexplicable. What’s keeping them from doing it: dignity?

Por favor.

Houston Nutt: still crazier than sack of rabid weasels.

Wally Hall of the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette writes a column. (HT: Will Collier.)

This column appears in single sentences, and not whole.

Paragraphs.

Like a lot of columnists.

Like to do.

Column says Nutt blames the media for his troubles, including some hyperventilation over Arkansas’ ninth-ranked recruiting class in the SEC. Nutt then calls in to a local talk show where

Wally Hall.

Is.

Making.

An appearance.

Nutt, disarmed by the host’s frequent use of the intimate “Houston Dale,” feels comfortable enough to rail on the air about how underhanded and inaccurate Hall’s column is, though never mentioning its punctuation or structure, its most damning traits, really.

The reference to “Houston Dale” is something people born in the South will do whenever seeking a certain amount of comfort or intimacy with someone, digging for the middle name to imply familiarity. We even do it, like when we warn our buddy, as in “Phillip Michael Thomas, put down our fucking cognac!” That guy’s crazy! If we do it, everyone else must be, too, since fundamentally we’re as Southern as proper nutrition, David Schwimmer, or civil rights.

In conclusion, though, remember: Houston Nutt is crazier than a sack of rabid weasels.

Your pointing makes us uncomfortable, sir.

Les Fuckin’ Miles has something to fuckin’ say, assholes. Imagining squeaky Les Miles cursing at all is funny; in fact, to us it’s much like imagining a Muppet Baby hotwiring your car, or picturing a Snork selling their body for meth money. However, it happens, and usually over rubber chicken dinners:

“We’re looking forward to playing Florida,” Miles said, his voice gaining momentum and volume. “We’re looking forward to playing Auburn. But we have a new rival in (expletive deleted) Alabama.”

The last line — a clear reference to Saban’s presence in Tuscaloosa — drew a standing ovation from the crowd.

We bet you two American dollars that profanity is either “goddamn” or “fuckin’”, with our heart leaning toward “fuckin’.” That would make Les Miles so much harder than we thought he was, and also validate his ever-suspect choices in headgear.

Reggie Bush Thinks Your Petty Rules Are For Mortals Who Cannot Outrun A Diet Pepsi Machine. Again. Reggie Bush may have contacted signing day’s number one attraction, Joe McKnight, during the recruiting process, a clear violation of NCAA regulations. No response from college football’s version of the League of Nations yet.

Following Bush’s advice, however, McKnight took free uniforms and tuition money from USC before switching his allegiances and signing with LSU this afternoon. “Gotta make the most of your opportunities,” said McKnight. Les Miles also chimed in by noting that the event was “totally fuckin’ awesome.”

Randy Newman concurs. Urban Meyer dares to suggest Florida’s academics are superior to LSU’s during the recruiting process. As pointed out by numerous commenters, Randy Newman was on this a long, long time ago in the song “Rednecks:”

We got no-necked oilmen from Texas
And good ol’ boys from Tennessee
And colleges men from LSU
Went in dumb. Come out dumb too

Randy Newman’s pimp hand is strong and you’re wearing leopard print tights and standing on the corner in a snowstorm to appease him, objecting or dissenting reader. Argue with the man who wrote the soundtrack to Toy Story? That’s how lawyas get killed, son.

Got child molesta glasses and he still stay fly: Randy “ReddBonz” Newman.

Anyone got any white-out? Jerimy Finch’s national signing day letter is posted at the MZone. In case you wondered how a recruit as mercurial and indecisive as Finch managed to change his mind so many times, Yost et. al have the simple answer: he was signing each time in pencil.

Bret Bielema, EDSBS man of the year, is buying the drinks tonight. We support this move strictly because he stuck his smartass thumb in the eye of rule 3-2-5-e this year by onsideing away the last dregs of the first quarter: Bret Bielema receives a five year contract extension at Wisconsin. He’ll need a few thousand of it for testicle warmers alone: the low tonight in Madtown will scrape three degrees below zero Fahrenheit.

Yes, you may use a sample of my brain tissue for your recipe, pretty lady. Nigella Lawson has liberal attitudes toward sexual morality. We’ll let Les Miles comment for us: “Fuckin’ awesome. She’s so fuckin’ hot. Just fuckin’ awesome.”

Let Urban be praised. Enjoy your weekend.

Holy smoking hell: English Muffin Nigella Lawson.