0:12–MEN! He always starts by addressing the team as men. Sexist pig, that Lou.

0:29–Refers to Baton Rouge as “The toughest environment in the world.” We call bullshit, Lou. Have you ever played football in the caldera of Kilauea? Or at Fashion Week in Paris? Because those bitches can be savage without ever making a tackle and have you crying into a candy dish full of blow before you know what happened.

Or that hell-stadium from the old Eric Cantona Nike commercial, Lou–ever think about that? They tried to kill Patrick Kluivert, Lou! Satan wouldn’t do that. (Actually, that’s exactly what we imagine Death Valley to be like down to the flames, blind refs, and dogs on the sidelines.)

0:44–Lou says “happiness is having a short memory.” There’s a joke here, but we can’t remember what Lou just said, and therefore will got to the fridge for some Craisins. YAY CRAISINS!

0:52–We’re so happy.

1:02–Lou’s got a newspaper out. Says the editorial page is for “people who can’t think.” Considering that Lou’s ripping up a USA Today, we’ll give him that one uncontested.

1:10–Oh shit. He’s not…

1:15–He is.

1:32–Lou Holtz just stole my reality and drove it into a retaining wall at 90 miles an hour. Instead of exploding, though, it turned to butterflies and dollar bills. It’s pennies from heaven, Lou!

1:44–”I wake up screaming in the middle of the night because I can’t figure it out myself.” It’s like you can see into our soul, Lou. We take back everything bad we’ve ever said about Lou Holtz, since the rest of his life has simply been a warmup for this role as the man who takes a pastry gun of madness, plants it firmly in your ear, and injects your skull full of pure creamy madness through the magic of television. We’re smoking LSU on their homefield now–he ripped up a newspaper and put it back together with his mind, man! If a 68 pound man can do that on national television, imagine what we’re capable of…men.

Begin.

We really wouldn’t want to hang out with most football players. As a fan, we’re necessarily put in the tension-filled position of being passionate about a sport whose participants would, on the whole, rather chew their own leg off than hang out with our ilk. (”Hey, wanna come over and watch the DVD of Big Love! It’s the one where Marge finally gets that job she’s been angling for! I’m sooooo happy for her!”)

Sprint/Nextel bitches.

Yet, we think we’ve met the first player we actually would love to hang with on a weekly basis: Michigan’s own Marques “Grand Marques” Slocum. His quiz on his facebook entry is reprinted below, and we don’t mean this in a snickering, elitist, or ironic way at all: Marques sounds fucking awesome. In fact, we’re calling our mom right now to tell her she’s the realest bitch alive. She’ll appreciate it, since she did say “motherfucker” live on the EDSBS radio show.

Sprint/Nextel, bitches. Enjoy.

(Begin edited interview. Questions in italics, answers in bold.)

What is your favorite song of all time?

Just another n***a- state property II

Do you own any pets, and if so what do you have?

Fuck lion say what!

i got a fuck lion now come fuck wit me

Who do you admire most?

My mom CARLA, dat bitch da shit, i love her i think she da realest bitch alive
(more…)

EDSBS Live. Tuesday. 7:30 p.m.

Phil. Steele.

Note: buy Phil new t-shirt.

You are not ready.

Some names are too legendary, too genuinely special to let go. Tennessee’s recognized that and responded promptly by hiring on former third stringer Jim Bob Cooter as a graduate assistant, keeping the name close to where it belongs: Knoxville.

Cooter returns. Alleluia.

Between Cooter and Mike Hunt, the vajayjay-themed humor quotient in the SEC just went, like, Trevigintillion-big.

“Cooter’s keeping cool in the heat with a new hairstyle: shaved.”

“Ainge has learned a lot from Cooter: where to put it, when to go deep, when to go short, and most importantly, when to pull it out and run.”

“Weather’s going to be an issue today, especially with communication between the coaches and the quarterback. Cutcliffe’s in the box, which is dry. But Ainge has a very wet Cooter on the sidelines to help him get what he needs.”

“Ainge throws a pick! And wow, that’ll make Cooter hot every single time.”

Thanks to Tennessee’s human resources division for making this happen. We needed new jokes to drive into the ground, and lo, like pennies from heaven, they’ve arrived.

Brought to you by the Latin Billboard Awards in sunny Coral Gables, Florida.

(more…)

We went to a spring game and have the red, red neck and knees to prove it.

–Beautiful, sun blasted Gainesville this weekend, a place redolent with the smell of rotting vegetation, cheap beer, and burritos, and the smell of people actually tailgating for the spring’s Orange and Blue game: that was our weekend, combined with ten hours in the car and a hefty dose of Guitar Hero 2 on Saturday night. (”Beast and the Harlot” is hrrrrrrd, d00d.)

Ahhh…sun-blasted Gainesville. That’s not us in the foreground, incidentally.

As with any spring game, any bit of good news might potentially be bad news, since any amazing block, nifty catch, or clean sack might as a result of poor play on the other side, a side that happens to be the other half of your favorite team. This explains the odd reactions to any good play made at the Orange and Blue game, where an initial WOOOOO usually had a trailing grumble grumble grumble or OHHHHHHhhh accompanying it.

So 40,000 plus at Florida Field turned out to test out their inner Janus on Saturday, (more…)

The SEC will convene this April in–where else?–the heart of the Redneck Riviera, Destin, Florida, to discuss topics important to the SEC: academic integrity, the future of amateur sport, and if you really can get a grown man to bite on a hook baited with a blueberry cake donut from the Donut Hole. (Our verdict? Hell, yes.)

They’ll likely discuss money, too. Lots of it. In the hypothetical and real senses of the word. In fact, we have a copy of Bernie Machen’s entire presentation to the collected heads of SEC schools:

That’s likely it for the underlying semantics of the argument: MMMMMM CASH TASTY SWEET CASH. (more…)

Scott Adamson has a capital idea: a spring college football jamboree, or whatever the hell you want to call it. We hear jamboree, and we think Boy Scouts, or hillbilly hoedown, or a hillbilly hoedown meeting Boy Scouts in a horrific conflagration of rednecks assaulting 34 year old men in scout uniforms in a movie called Jamboree: The Deheading. So take a different name if you like, but Adamson’s idea sounds like printing money for ESPN or whomever cares to make it happen:

ESPN’s College Football Spring Fling (presented by a corporate sponsor to be named later) could feature a full day and night of offseason football action.

Seriously, how could one spring football game _ or one spring jamboree _ be a bad thing for college football?

A fair question. We’re in favor of it, but then again, Pete Doherty’s in favor of beer. Someone not as depraved as we are should discuss this responsibly because WE WANT GIMME GIMME NOWWWWWW.

Pete Doherty: also an addict in need…of sunlight, among other things.

Tonight, EDSBS Radio reappears…

…only this time with such innovations as sound quality, a moderator for callers, and interstitial music and commercials that won’t deafen you. We’ve moved the show to the Now! Network–check the preview page here–and will have someone manning the boards for us, controlling sound quality, and exterminating all of the bugs that bedeviled the initial installment of the show.

The details:

What: EDSBS Radio

When: 8:00 p.m.–9:00 p.m. EST

Where: On the EDSBS channel at Now Live.

How: To call in? (310) 984-7600. You may also register at Now Live and participate in the live chat, where we’ll be taking comments and working them into the broadcast.

Why: Because you, like us, need to confess to the fact that you’re going to tailgate your spring practice game like the desperate, depraved person you truly are.

Who: Peter Bean of Burnt Orange Nation and Orson from this website, along with special guest Warren St. John of the New York Times and the best book ever written about college football fandom, Rammer Jammer Yellow Hammer.

The five questions from last time have been whittled down to four questions. To prepare ahead of time, your study list appears below:

1. What do you know about your team going into spring practice?

2. Better still…what don’t you know about your team going into spring?

3. What’s your offseason coping mechanism?

4. What’s a badass death?

The final question has to do something with a long running debate between EDSBS attorney to the stars Weo Lee and ourselves as to what constitutes a badass death. His prime examples:

–Brad Pitt’s death in Legends of the Fall where he fights a bear.

–This eagle:

About 10,000 Juneau residents briefly lost power Jan. 28 after a bald eagle lugging a deer head crashed into transmission lines.

The eagle “got a hold of a little bit more than he could handle,” Wood said.

–A hypothetical he’s been refining for years where he plays a guitar solo on top of a jet that’s just dropped a tactical nuclear weapon into a hurricane off the coast of Florida. Did we mention he’s wearing a speedo and a hockey mask, too?

These will be on the exam tonight. Prepare accordingly. And hey, they’re taking us on the network despite us bringing down the overall hotness of the operation considerably. After all, Adrianne Curry is one of the hosts on the network, and she married Peter Brady. That’s uber-hott.

We’re bringing the ass factor in the neighborhood down considerably.

There’s so many ways for it to happen.

1. By your punter.

2. By someone you love. (more…)

Reader Mr. Baddley wrote us around a month ago with this question:

Orson/Stranko,

PS….Do I get any sponsor money?

No on the sponsor money, but we were flattered nonetheless, especially since he’s going to have to go around with EDSBS on his car tags long after we’ve sold the domain to a Mexican bootleg pharma site. (Mexican Viagra! Now with added powdered donkey penis for flavor and potency!)

So we said what the hell–sure. After all, if any fan of any team could legally lay claim to owning a site written by Florida alums, it’s an Auburn grad in 2006. Plus it’s a sentiment any college football fan must by definition agree with: every day should be Saturday, really. It’s a transcendent message that disregards team affiliation.

The story comes full circle now as Mr. Baddley’s got his license plate. We can honestly say it’s the most beautiful thing we’ve ever seen, including newborn infants, the sunrise over the Gulf of Siam, and Ike Hilliard’s “Brake ‘n Shake” touchdown versus Florida State in 1996.

The plate is still available in 50 out of 51 license plate-issuing principalities. Hurry before supplies run out!

Excuse us, while we wipe a tear away.

We’re spent. In between watching the Reno:911 movie tonight and working up next week’s bushel of “content” for you, we’ll be busier than a weasel with five asses.

However, we would like to remind what you’re missing by not watching every installment of Univision’s Republica Deportiva. Watch the clip below; why Fox isn’t already doing this for every sport is inexplicable. What’s keeping them from doing it: dignity?

Por favor.

A cure for the case of the Mondays.

(more…)

Blogtoberfest: What happens when Nigella Lawson making triple chocolate brownies in tight sweaters distracts you from…whatever the hell it was you were doing, which doesn’t really matter all that…much…anyway, right?

Houston Nutt: still crazier than sack of rabid weasels.

Wally Hall of the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette writes a column. (HT: Will Collier.)

This column appears in single sentences, and not whole.

Paragraphs.

Like a lot of columnists.

Like to do.

Column says Nutt blames the media for his troubles, including some hyperventilation over Arkansas’ ninth-ranked recruiting class in the SEC. Nutt then calls in to a local talk show where

Wally Hall.

Is.

Making.

An appearance.

Nutt, disarmed by the host’s frequent use of the intimate “Houston Dale,” feels comfortable enough to rail on the air about how underhanded and inaccurate Hall’s column is, though never mentioning its punctuation or structure, its most damning traits, really.

The reference to “Houston Dale” is something people born in the South will do whenever seeking a certain amount of comfort or intimacy with someone, digging for the middle name to imply familiarity. We even do it, like when we warn our buddy, as in “Phillip Michael Thomas, put down our fucking cognac!” That guy’s crazy! If we do it, everyone else must be, too, since fundamentally we’re as Southern as proper nutrition, David Schwimmer, or civil rights.

In conclusion, though, remember: Houston Nutt is crazier than a sack of rabid weasels.

Your pointing makes us uncomfortable, sir.

Les Fuckin’ Miles has something to fuckin’ say, assholes. Imagining squeaky Les Miles cursing at all is funny; in fact, to us it’s much like imagining a Muppet Baby hotwiring your car, or picturing a Snork selling their body for meth money. However, it happens, and usually over rubber chicken dinners:

“We’re looking forward to playing Florida,” Miles said, his voice gaining momentum and volume. “We’re looking forward to playing Auburn. But we have a new rival in (expletive deleted) Alabama.”

The last line — a clear reference to Saban’s presence in Tuscaloosa — drew a standing ovation from the crowd.

We bet you two American dollars that profanity is either “goddamn” or “fuckin’”, with our heart leaning toward “fuckin’.” That would make Les Miles so much harder than we thought he was, and also validate his ever-suspect choices in headgear.

Reggie Bush Thinks Your Petty Rules Are For Mortals Who Cannot Outrun A Diet Pepsi Machine. Again. Reggie Bush may have contacted signing day’s number one attraction, Joe McKnight, during the recruiting process, a clear violation of NCAA regulations. No response from college football’s version of the League of Nations yet.

Following Bush’s advice, however, McKnight took free uniforms and tuition money from USC before switching his allegiances and signing with LSU this afternoon. “Gotta make the most of your opportunities,” said McKnight. Les Miles also chimed in by noting that the event was “totally fuckin’ awesome.”

Randy Newman concurs. Urban Meyer dares to suggest Florida’s academics are superior to LSU’s during the recruiting process. As pointed out by numerous commenters, Randy Newman was on this a long, long time ago in the song “Rednecks:”

We got no-necked oilmen from Texas
And good ol’ boys from Tennessee
And colleges men from LSU
Went in dumb. Come out dumb too

Randy Newman’s pimp hand is strong and you’re wearing leopard print tights and standing on the corner in a snowstorm to appease him, objecting or dissenting reader. Argue with the man who wrote the soundtrack to Toy Story? That’s how lawyas get killed, son.

Got child molesta glasses and he still stay fly: Randy “ReddBonz” Newman.

Anyone got any white-out? Jerimy Finch’s national signing day letter is posted at the MZone. In case you wondered how a recruit as mercurial and indecisive as Finch managed to change his mind so many times, Yost et. al have the simple answer: he was signing each time in pencil.

Bret Bielema, EDSBS man of the year, is buying the drinks tonight. We support this move strictly because he stuck his smartass thumb in the eye of rule 3-2-5-e this year by onsideing away the last dregs of the first quarter: Bret Bielema receives a five year contract extension at Wisconsin. He’ll need a few thousand of it for testicle warmers alone: the low tonight in Madtown will scrape three degrees below zero Fahrenheit.

Yes, you may use a sample of my brain tissue for your recipe, pretty lady. Nigella Lawson has liberal attitudes toward sexual morality. We’ll let Les Miles comment for us: “Fuckin’ awesome. She’s so fuckin’ hot. Just fuckin’ awesome.”

Let Urban be praised. Enjoy your weekend.

Holy smoking hell: English Muffin Nigella Lawson.