Mark Richt as a pitchman is a bit of a mixed bag in terms of execution. His best work probably appeared in the Michael Mann-esque slo-mo of his Ford truck commercials, a controversial piece of work given the deep, ongoing dirty war between Ford and Chevrolet factions in the deep South, and one for which he’s undoubtedly suffered. (”I’m sorry, coach, but this is Chevy country, and if you listen hard enough you can hear Fords rusting at night. My son can’t go to your school.”)

His most moving and complicated work, though, was initially panned for what audiences saw as a mumbling, incoherent performance in “Carpets of Dalton 2: The Restapling.”

Sometimes, the audience leads the artist; but in their best work, artists force the audience on a journey they might not want to take, a dark and intensely personal Dantean descent into a hell of their own making. (more…)

The highlight video is complete. We only have one thing to say: if you have trouble waking up this morning, finding meaning, and feel like ending it all, just watch this highlight of the finest football game ever played: Auburn 3, Mississippi State 2. And remember the inspirational words of Paul Stanley:

Live to win, ’till you die, ’till the light dies in your eyes
Live to win, take it all, just keep fighting ’till you fall
Day by day, kickin’ all the way, I’m not cavin’ in
Let another round begin, live to win
Live to win
Live to win
Yeah, live, yeah, win!!

9/13/08: Never. Forget.

“Death is nothing, but to live defeated and inglorious is to die daily.”

We had this idea just before a post-lunch nap the other day: “Twitchy, the Martyr.” Then we woke up and found a note we’d written to ourself on a scrap piece of paper: “Twitchy, the Martyr.”

After bouncing around our brain for a few caffeine-addled hours, the meaning became all too clear: Twitchy is an imaginary mascot, the meaning and spirit of something embodied in a cartoonish, anthropomorphic form. Thus, we present to you our first imaginary mascot, Twitchy the Martyr, the mascot for Jihad A&M University. Lovingly by LSUFreek with some degree of homage to Hoodwinked.

Tasteful: Twitchy the Martyr, and his adoring fans. They take the field with a BOOM!

Don’t borrow, steal: an offseason requires desperate measures, and in a pinch we’ll be happy to do the pinching. We present a running series: Stuff _____ People Like, based on the painfully accurate Stuff White People Like. Today’s episode deals with fans of the Iowa Hawkeyes, mind you, not black people and this guy. Worth noting, especially since there are no black people in Iowa.

Stuff Black and Gold People Like

Fried anything. Holy shit do we like frying things. It’s not that only Iowans fry everything, but Iowans only fry everything. Go to the Iowa State Fair, but do so only at your own risk and with polarized lenses on your sunglasses; direct eye contact with too many fried confections will clog your arteries with Oreo paste.

Not meth. Sorry, Orson, but that’s something that Red and Yellow people enjoy far more than Hawkeye fans, along with other mind-numbing substances like Oxycontin and Rep. Steve King (R-IA). On the other hand…

Hawkeye Vodka. This brand exists, it’s about $11 for a handle, and it’s every bit as gut-wrenching as you can imagine. Only the saddest, most pickled citizens can stomach shots of the Hawkeye, and consuming large portions in mixed drinks leads to complete loss of pants, motor control, and stomach contents, in that order, and in the span of about 15 minutes. It’s a great way to spend a weekend, even if you only remember the world-altering hangover. Actually, it’s unfair to Iowans to restrict us to Hawkeye. Let’s broaden this out a bit:

All alcohol. Go to a Hawkeye tailgate sometime. It’s similar to SEC tailgates in terms of volume (both sound and attendance), but there’s a marked difference: SEC tailgaters cook. They socialize. They have fun. We stand around in 40 degree weather silently forcing Natty Ice down our throats and thinking to ourselves, “there’s more dew than usual.” This is a necessary result of having all our football games start at 11 a.m. Eventually, after 7 hangover-delaying Keystones, some asshole turns on his car and puts in his tailgate CD, which by default has…
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Darren McFadden is slave to no man’s whims, and we love him for that. The dress-wearing, cruisin’ on 22s beast dressed up with backfield mate Felix Jones for Halloween, and in Thighsman fashion did not disappoint. Darren could actually pull a Fred and propel a car with stone wheels to full speed in a matter of seconds, which makes the costume more than appropriate for him.

HT: Greg, but view the rest of the photos over at SportsCrack.

We’re taking our plastic orange pumpkin and going out with them for the night, and not coming back until we fill it with beer and candy corn. (Man, that’s gonna be some kind of fun to crap out.) In the meantime, please remember to moderate your candy and alcohol intake. You might make the scene all day…but tomorrow there’ll be hell to pay.

A definition:

A concussion occurs when the head hits or is hit by an object. A concussion can also occur when the brain is pushed against the skull with a strong force. In such cases, parts of the brain that control mental function may be damaged. The injured person may become disoriented (confused) and may briefly lose consciousness.

The U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) estimates that about three hundred thousand people experience mild to moderate concussions each year as a result of sports injuries. Most of these people are men between the ages of sixteen and twenty-five.

See illustration 1.A below:

For more information, the Library of Congress recommends that you find your local Rey Maualuga. Anger him; this may be done by staring directly at him or at a picture of him, breathing oxygen in his vicinity, or even standing too closely to him in days that end in “y.” Then wait behind as many blockers as you like for desired results. He’ll find you.

(BTW: What in the hell is wrong with UCLA’s protections? Olson was sacked five times in the game against Utah. West coast offense short pass three step drop quick protect whaAAAA?)

A respectable 20 rank in the Coaches’ Poll! A buzz-generating sighting of the Wildcat formation in fall practice, a formation that new offensive coordinator David Lee says he’s even expanded in his playbook! People forgetting the turmoil of the offseason until…until you get the sudden departure of offensive Colin Tucker from the team, a minor hiccup in the depth chart that should slide away from the reader somewhere around the bottom of the page.

Unless Tucker Sr. goes on a Rivals site and either drops a neutron bomb on anything and everything associated with the coaching staff–now that’s got itself some walkin’ legs, now.

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Semantics are everything, but we have to clarify this: Al Groh sucks, but he is not categorically “the worst” coach in the country right now. He’s close: the mumbling, the anti-charisma that surrounds him…remember scenes in films where evil men trod the soil, and flowers wilt all around them? Al Groh has a similar effect, but with the color palette: everything he walks past turns a uniform shade of beige. (The radios all turn to the Clear Channel BEST STATION TO LISTEN TO AT WORK, too.)

Al Groh: forever rockin’ to 98.5, but not the worst.

At least Groh produces NFL draft picks, one of the bits of evidence Stewart Mandel cites in his list of the five worst coaches this year to prove how bad Groh is. (Braves and Birds, file and save for the next installment of “Duel of the Jews“. You’re welcome.) He also plays a wicked synthtar on Guitar Hero, and has produced a whole line of instructional booklets.

There’s two examples far worse than Groh or even local mayonnaise sensation Chan Gailey, he of the 7-5 regular season mathematical equilibrium.

1. Sylvester Croom. No one wants to put him on this list because of the huge, huge challenges Croom faces as the head coach of a program located in a town lovingly referred to as “Starkganistan.” They do exist, but Croom’s made a slew of mistakes as head coach, most notably attempting to run his version of the modified West Coast offense (a complex, often too complex system for college) with personnel who can’t possibly execute it. In three years, he’s failed to find talent to match, either.

Croom: sadly, not very good.

Logically the only other person who could be worse than Croom. Of three victories last year, two preceded the losing coach’s firing or “departure”: Mike Shula at Alabama, and Watson Brown’s departure at UAB. Croom’s only other conference win not over Ole Miss or Kentucky…

2. …would be the one that got America’s other worst coach fired.

As pointed out elsewhere, Washington’s got a testicle-busting schedule on their hands. (Holy mixed anatomical metaphors!–ed.) Ty Willingham and company have decided what a good day to die is, and that is on Saturday. To wit:

Syracuse: Um, the Washington of the Big East? Even pitching here, but played in the Carrier Dome, which Syracuse actually inflates with pure helium during games. Unaccustomed to the pure, toxic form of the gas, Washington dies a squeaky little death in this game. (Don’t believe it? You come up with a better explanation of why good teams go bad in the unassuming Syracuse game environment.)

Ty Willingham and the Huskies: this year, they dine in hell.

Boise St: Beat a better Pac-10 team this past season in Oregon State, which looked like ashen heaps of shame for the Beavers until the Statue of Liberty Game. Now they’re the favorite here, which means they’ll have difficulty dealing with the pressure, stumble, and still win this game running.

Ohio State: Loss. Will not get ugly after the second quarter. Because it will be 20something to three then, and Tressel and the Sweatervest Mafia will call off the dogs. Fortunately, as this will be Tennessee/Florida week, no one will watch this game anyway, so it will be a quiet death.
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