1. Suspenders, for the 746th week in a row.

2. Whole Plums. Codgers swear by prunes, but the pits are key. The digestive aid you can hear working.

3. Ted’s Drive-thru Smoked Fish, Liquor, and Mens Finery, A1A, West Palm Beach. All your needs in one place.

4. Accountants who don’t turn out to be housecats. I’ll get you, Colby Nolan.

5. Clydesdales. Mass transit Kentucky-style.

6. Squirrels. You’d think they’d make great corners, but we tried that in ‘85. Got us to a bowl game, but I wouldn’t dare try it twice.

7. Paraffin. Hair product, boat sealant, delicious snack.

8. Apollo 11. But not 13. John Swigert was a pantywaist.

9. David Allan Coe. That man can spell relief.

11. Post-hole diggers. Bury small amounts of gold doubloons in your backyard for a 401-karat retirement plan. Can also double as marital aid.

12. The English School of Feminine Landscaping. The palm trees let a man know he’s found the oasis, ladies.

13. Lobsters. Great listeners.

14. Thunder Road. Only instructional driving movie a man needs.

15. Mrs. Butterworth. Nothing like that silhouette to stir a man’s loins in the morning. Someday she’ll talk to me, that flirt.

16. Chum. Breakfast of champions, aftershave of ladyslayers, and surefire friend-finder for a morning swim.

17. Turfman’s All-in-One Flare Gun and Dentifrice Dispenser. Mind which end you use unless you want the wake-up call of a lifetime. Another essential product from the Turfman Company, makers of Turfman’s Scotch: “If you can’t join the Whig Party, you can always drink Turfman’s.”

18. Coriander. Grind a little onto your yarbles. Fresh as a daisy and smells like autumn. Ladies like it cozy down Mexico way.

19. Lima. Good town for a burro-throwin’, lady-towin’ man like myself. Their burros just love a good tossin’.

20. Grover Cleveland. Great president. Better hangman. The best muppet.

21. USC. God, John Robinson’s got some work to do there, I tell you.

22. Orange Julius. Demand they leave the shell on the eggs. Makes a mustache firm enough to scrub the scum off a tugboat’s hull. Which is what I’m doing right now.

23. Mack Brown. The man can rhumba like he’s skinned and eaten Carmen Miranda. And we’ve all been there.

24. Bolo ties, aka. “The West Texas Emergency Sex Brake.” Pull it for relief, ladies of the Llano Estocado.

25. Bathroom attendants. I don’t pay ‘em to applaud, but they do anyway.

1. Suspenders. For the 39th week in a row.

2. Kansas. Liking the way that young man runs his football team. Even with that glandular disorder.

3. Mules. Loyal. Trustworthy. Cook up well if you know how to do it.

4. Cribbage. Underrated game. Won my first wife off Barry Switzer in a late night game once. I’d play it today if I wasn’t afraid of being ruled by passion again.

5. Johnny Paycheck. Now that’s a man who could write a love song.

Liked it so much we used it as our wedding song.

6. Turfman’s Aerosol Scotch. Looks like breath spray. Hits like a shot. Relaxes you for stressful things like driving.

7. USC. That little hippie’s got something going on out there, I tell you. Even if he dresses like a damn hoodlum.

8. Sock garters. When you show ‘em, they wonder: “What do his knees look like?” Only a slattern gent shows his knees on the first date, though. Leave them wanting more with the garters. The knees are a man’s vagina. Show them only when you mean business.

9. The seventeenth hole at Boca Lago golf course. Favorite place to relax. If you wonder why the grass is so green around the bunkers, well…that’s the byproduct of all that relaxin’ I been doing there.

10. Floatplanes. Best car I ever bought. Or the worst boat. Can’t decide.

11. The stuffed corpse of Lee Marvin. Sitting in my living room as we speak. Best conversation partner I got.

12. Virginia Tech. I like a man with scars. Unless he’s a man I gave those scars to, because it means I didn’t finish the job. Speakin’ of, I gotta go kill Frank Beamer now.

13. Cufflinks. The little signal lights indicating the profile of a great he-ship of the man-line.

14. Gladys at the Publix deli counter on 6th Ave. Watching her cut meat would make a Havanese rentboy go straight. Such forearms on that woman.

15. Haiti. If you’re a street charcoal afficionado like myself you’ll never have a better vacation. It’s delicious stuff.

16. Washington Huskies. Fake Canadians? Sure. Good football team? As long as Don James is in charge, you bet they are.

17. Plaid. Scottish camouflage, but useful for all seasons because it takes any stain you can throw into it. Believe me. I’ve tried. You can throw up a Thanksgiving dinner and a flagon of scotch into it and wear it out without turning a head. The Stealth Fighter Technology of patterns.

18. Gold Bond Powder. Couple a snorts in the morning will put you in the right frame of mind.

19. The Lincoln Town Car. When it hits a pedestrian, they stay down. (I’m looking at you, Honda Accord.)

20. Banyan trees. They get me.

21. Sugarcane. Does double duty as a whoopin’ stick and tasty summer treat.

22. The Florida Atlantic Owls. You have to believe in yourself, or no one else will.

23. Whittlin’. I like to start with a whole cow and keep carving away until I get the original shape I wanted.

24. The Samba. It’s a lovers’ dance, which is why I do it alone.

25. Leaving Las Vegas. They don’t make lighthearted comedies like they used to, but this one’s close.

2. Horseshoes. I eat one a week whether I need it or not. For the iron, mostly, but sometimes just for the taste.

3. SMU. Knocking them back a notch or two because of their pisspoor performance against Mrphmrphlgrmble State this week.

Makes just as much sense as any other coaches’ ballot.

.4. Cal. Gettin’ a real feeling about this team.

5. Jupiter. A planet that wears paisley is a heavenly body you can trust. Unlike you, Gina Lollabrigida, you beautiful minxy whore, you.

6. The Nash Rambler. Only car I’ve ever been able to drive to Cuba and back without a problem. Good tight seal on those windows.

7. Turfman’s NEW! Combination Pomade and Edible Fiber Spread For Tense Cowpokes. Keeps the hair in place and the pipes flowing. Can’t argue with something that does both.

8. Topeka. Always enjoyed a nice ramble through the beautiful city where “vagrant” is just another word for “friend.”

9. Anteaters. A loyal pet, a beautiful animal, a better friend, and a meat whose fragrance will haunt your dreams.

10. Beets. Always loved ‘em, but you gotta remember you ate ‘em, because they’ll give you quite a scare the next day if you forgot you ate them.

11. A well-creased pocket square. It’s the badge that says you’re a Sergeant in the Fashion Police, a Colonel in the Army of Good Taste, and an Admiral in the Sex Navy.

Everyone not named Howard Schnellenberger died within seconds of this photo being taken.

12. Around the World In Eighty Days. Still can’t believe it can be done, but that’s why they call it fantasy, no?

13. Oklahoma State. Because I believe in Les Miles, and I’m not alone.

14. Golf Course Ball Washers. Best way to wash a fresh tangerine ever made, and you’ll crave the grassy taste of the soap after a few tries.

15. Mountain Central Time. It’s the most grizzled of time zones.

16. A well honed spatula. A spankin’ rod, meat-flipper, fly-swatter, wife-tamer, brawl-winner, back-scratcher, Bondo-spreader, and pocket shovel all in one.

17. Marie Claire. It’s the thinking lady’s women’s magazine.

18. Wicker furniture. It’s for sitting and eating.

19. Mad Men. I’m not immune, but Don Draper needs someone to tell him how to dress. He looks like a Dago shineboy out there.

20. Deviled Ham. Like regular ham, but without the pesky chewing. You get a free empty can with each purchase, too.

21. Mosquitoes. We’d all have too much blood without ‘em.

22. Catching golf balls hit off the cruise ships. Gotta go a few miles out, but you’ll never have a better time. Mind ‘em when they start skeet-shooting, though. Buckshot’s bracing, but you’ll never find a better exfoliant.

23. Singapore. That’s a port where they treat a man like a man, and a woman like a man, and a horse like a woman.

24. Ceiling fans. All the entertainment you need on a Saturday night. Love how they stay still while the rest of the room spins around ‘em.

25. TSA. Bumped ‘em down ever since they stopped asking to strip search me.

It’s not vomiting, it’s discharging excess pimp juice. Riley Cooper, Florida WR, sharing some of his inner awesomeness with the turf at Florida Field during the game with Charleston Southern.

Cooper could have gone and made money playing baseball this fall, but he wanted to play a sport that required effort. GatorBytes has a brief piece on what a compulsively competitive badass Cooper is, including SEC Insert-A-Clip delight of Cooper sprinting ahead of Brandon James on a kickoff return last Saturday.

Further homerism: If Matt Patchan and his pancake regimen continue to add up into becoming a solid left tackle, we will have to call him the Wailing Wall. Patchan only eats kosher and is an organic foods freak on top of it, so that leaves him with only pancakes as instant bulk builders. The other obvious nickname for Patchan: “The Bear Jew.”

Applaud the new gadgetry. SBNation is up and running, and to test drive the concept you can peep the Clemson/GT thread, which should be growing over the course of the day. Additionally, there is video over there proving that Paul Johnson is exactly the kind of ornery, impatient, crusty dude you would expect him to be.

“I learned the possum trick.” You can’t hurt a man in a nice suit. It’s simply impossible; the ground respects the fine threading, gravity defers to the excellent cut, and force says “Fuck it” and stands back and admires the pocket square.

Nope. Doesn’t sound familiar. Not one bit. Dick Butkus doesn’t understand it, Matt Hinton doesn’t understand it, but when a man has a talent for malaise, there’s no stopping its spread.

We don’t know what secrets reside in Howard Schnellenberger’s voice, particularly in its lower registers: the location of German submarines loaded with Nazi gold, the authorship of the Nazca lines, and the point where Amelia Earhart was abducted by aliens. Admit that you believe Schnellenberger could be holding onto all three, and also responsible for the events leading up to them, or you are a liar.

The question had Howard Schnellenberger lowering his signature baritone voice to a level where deep, dark secrets reside.

“I have one rented,” rasped Florida Atlantic’s 75-year-old football coach, “in Oklahoma.”

You think he’s lying, but when the Dapper Don swoops in like a Green Beret clad in Brooks Brothers into the stadium Saturday, you’ll all be at your knees for the number one stunna of the class of 1857. Schnellenberger did actually fly in a helicopter into a press conference at the 1984 Orange Bowl when his Miami team faced Nebraska and eventually spoiled an undefeated season for the Huskers, because if you give people money in South Florida, they like to do things like burn it in piles and take helicopters everywhere.

Also, please bow at the awesome contained here:

Next on the list after that might be how his wife of 50 years, Beverlee, wore a full-length white mink coat atop a fire engine while reveling in the ticker-tape parade for the Hurricanes down Biscayne Boulevard after they’d delivered Nebraska with arguably its most emotional defeat ever, a 31-30 outcome that spoiled an unbeaten season.

“She looks good in white mink,” crowed Schnellenberger, who since 1982 has worn a suit during games.

And a flurry of women’s panties hit the stage.

The following is Howard Schellenberger’s unrevised, unedited top 25 ballot as submitted to the coaches’ poll.

1. SMU. Just an unstoppable program. My pick for the 32nd year in a row.

2. Okinawa. Always liked the place, especially when I was setting it on fire with a flamethrower. Great seafood, too.

3. Margette, my mail lady. Shapely calves. Hate to see you leave, but I do love to watch you go.

4. Pedicures. What?

5. Merle Haggard. That young man has potential if he can just stay out of the pokey for a spell.

6. Condensed milk, straight from the can. Breakfast of champions.

7. Turfman’s Leisuretime Scotch. The only scotch approved by the Biplane Owners’ Association of America for consumption during open cockpit flight, Turfman’s takes the edge off of even the bumpiest ride. Pregnant mothers should use only in moderation.

8. Snorting field chalk. Who the blue hell needs a “30 yard line”?

9. Kenny’s Surf and Turf on A1A. Thanks for dropping the charges, Kenny.

10. Shalimar. Nothing else smells like a woman. Unless it’s Ann-Margret in a chainmail bustier.

11. Clarified butter. I just can’t stop drinking the stuff lately.

12. Ostrich quill pens, for the grocery list and her pleasure.

13. Florida State. Bobby Bowden’s really got something going up there.

14. Graven idols.

15. The confident sheen and holding power of Turfman’s Pomade, Part of the Turfman line of Products for Men. It’s the hint of Turfman’s Leisure Scotch that makes you want to try eating it.

16. Mermaids. They’ve always been good to me. Manatees, too, but they don’t put out as easily.

17. The LA Rams. Whatever happened to those sonsaguns?

18. The Mandrell Sisters. It’s so hard for me to pick one. I’ll just have to take ‘em all!

19. A nice frilly parasol on a hot summer’s day. A man said something to me once about it. That man died.

20. Texas. First team to start a horse at quarterback, but someone’s got to break a few rules to keep things interesting around here. Still finesse-y, but we can’t all be Owl-tough.

21. Andrew Lloyd Webber. The guy’s got my heart in a vise, and my balls in his capable fingers.

22. Sneezing. A cheap, natural high if I’ve ever found one.

23. My boat, the Battle of the Imjin River.

24. Feral cats. Hunting ‘em’s half the fun I ever have anymore.

25. Florida Atlantic University Owls.

Tuesday’s editorial, “Art Briles Is A Horrible Misogynist” contained a typographical error in the headline, which should have read, “Art Briles Is A Horrible Misogynist, Bitches and Bitchfisters.” We regret the error.

Monday’s Jumpstart Previews included this quote from Paul Johnson recounting his early days at Georgia Tech:

Later on that same waitress told Johnson that she had heard that the new Georgia Tech head coach was in the restaurant.

“She pointed to a guy in the corner who looked like he was about 70,” said Johnson. “I figured and wasn’t as big a deal as I thought I was.”

This was in fact Paul Johnson, only in his doppleganger form, a seventy year old goldpanner named “Liftbottom Stipplecock.” He currently serves as Georgia Tech’s offensive coordinator and lives on a spacious mat in the pedestrian tunnel under I-75 between Georgia Tech and Midtown. We regret the error.

Photo Correction: This actually is Texas Strength and conditioning coach Jeff Madden catching a cab, but it is in Minsk, not Moscow. We regret the error.

In Thursday’s “Better Know An SEC Home Remedy”, we reported that the sheen of Tim Tebow’s forehead will “soothe and smooth even the unruliest of split ends.” We should have clarified this to indicate the cure is intended for hard-to-manage human hair, not quarrelsome X receivers. We regret the error.

On Thursday, we published a report that Rod Gilmore had submitted an extensive personals application to the website “J-Date.com” even though Gilmore himself is not Jewish. This was in accurate: the website in question was in fact ConjugalVisit.com, a service for men who volunteer to service incarcerated women. “I’m a giver, and I like ‘em rough,” said Gilmore in an interview on Friday morning. “Nothing to apologize for there.” We regret the error.

In Wedenesday’s “Legal Beagle” column, we mistakenly reported that Howard Schnellenberger had settled his copyright suit with Williams Street Productions for their use of a nightly Schnellenberger household ritual in an episode of the show Sealab 2021:

The FAU coach has not withdrawn his lawsuit, and plans to “Sue the bastards ’till they bleed from their flopholes.” We regret the error.

Wednesday’s Curious Index reported that Illinois’ Ron Zook ate a handful of live bees as a motivational tactic during last week’s final practice. Coach Zook’s attention-grabbing snacks of choice are digger wasps. Further allegations that he then donned a bear costume and punched a female trainer in the face were accurate, however. We regret the error.

Friday’s Curious Index did not report the news that Dan Hawkins had closed Colorado practice due to too many strategic tweaks being leaked on line. This was clearly an error, as it will make Colorado’s inability to win ten games even funnier in retrospect in December. We regret the error.

In last Friday’s  “Ask A Texas Fan: Why Oklahoma Ruins Everything”, our guest columnist reported that Sooner quarterback Sam Bradford kills the popular character Hurley on a forthcoming episode of ABC’s LOST. Bradford’s shadow contract with ABC does not extend to scripted programming appearances and he has no plans to appear on the show. We regret the error, apologize to any fans fearing the show’s season finale had been spoiled, and hope you will enjoy next week’s column, “Ask An Auburn Fan: It’s 4:45 PM And Bear Bryant Is Still Dead.”