1. Suspenders. For the 39th week in a row.

2. Kansas. Liking the way that young man runs his football team. Even with that glandular disorder.

3. Mules. Loyal. Trustworthy. Cook up well if you know how to do it.

4. Cribbage. Underrated game. Won my first wife off Barry Switzer in a late night game once. I’d play it today if I wasn’t afraid of being ruled by passion again.

5. Johnny Paycheck. Now that’s a man who could write a love song. (more…)

1. Suspenders, for the 38th week in a row.

2. Horseshoes. I eat one a week whether I need it or not. For the iron, mostly, but sometimes just for the taste.

3. SMU. Knocking them back a notch or two because of their pisspoor performance against Mrphmrphlgrmble State this week.

Makes just as much sense as any other coaches’ ballot.

.4. Cal. Gettin’ a real feeling about this team.

5. Jupiter. A planet that wears paisley is a heavenly body you can trust. Unlike you, Gina Lollabrigida, you beautiful minxy whore, you.

6. The Nash Rambler. Only car I’ve ever been able to drive to Cuba and back without a problem. Good tight seal on those windows.

7. Turfman’s NEW! Combination Pomade and Edible Fiber Spread For Tense Cowpokes. Keeps the hair in place and the pipes flowing. Can’t argue with something that does both.

8. Topeka. Always enjoyed a nice ramble through the beautiful city where “vagrant” is just another word for “friend.”
(more…)

We don’t know what secrets reside in Howard Schnellenberger’s voice, particularly in its lower registers: the location of German submarines loaded with Nazi gold, the authorship of the Nazca lines, and the point where Amelia Earhart was abducted by aliens. Admit that you believe Schnellenberger could be holding onto all three, and also responsible for the events leading up to them, or you are a liar.

The question had Howard Schnellenberger lowering his signature baritone voice to a level where deep, dark secrets reside.

“I have one rented,” rasped Florida Atlantic’s 75-year-old football coach, “in Oklahoma.”

You think he’s lying, but when the Dapper Don swoops in like a Green Beret clad in Brooks Brothers into the stadium Saturday, you’ll all be at your knees for the number one stunna of the class of 1857. Schnellenberger did actually fly in a helicopter into a press conference at the 1984 Orange Bowl when his Miami team faced Nebraska and eventually spoiled an undefeated season for the Huskers, because if you give people money in South Florida, they like to do things like burn it in piles and take helicopters everywhere.

Also, please bow at the awesome contained here:

Next on the list after that might be how his wife of 50 years, Beverlee, wore a full-length white mink coat atop a fire engine while reveling in the ticker-tape parade for the Hurricanes down Biscayne Boulevard after they’d delivered Nebraska with arguably its most emotional defeat ever, a 31-30 outcome that spoiled an unbeaten season.

“She looks good in white mink,” crowed Schnellenberger, who since 1982 has worn a suit during games.

And a flurry of women’s panties hit the stage.

The following is Howard Schellenberger’s unrevised, unedited top 25 ballot as submitted to the coaches’ poll.

1. SMU. Just an unstoppable program. My pick for the 32nd year in a row.

2. Okinawa. Always liked the place, especially when I was setting it on fire with a flamethrower. Great seafood, too.

3. Margette, my mail lady. Shapely calves. Hate to see you leave, but I do love to watch you go.

4. Pedicures. What?

5. Merle Haggard. That young man has potential if he can just stay out of the pokey for a spell.

6. Condensed milk, straight from the can. Breakfast of champions.

7. Turfman’s Leisuretime Scotch. The only scotch approved by the Biplane Owners’ Association of America for consumption during open cockpit flight, Turfman’s takes the edge off of even the bumpiest ride. Pregnant mothers should use only in moderation. (more…)

Monday’s interview with Florida Atlantic’s Howard Schnellenberger contained an incorrect inference on the part of our reporting staff. Although Schnellenberger spoke at great length about his interests in the healing powers of being immersed in water and the “laying on of hands”, he is not an ordained minister. We regret the error.

Tuesday’s editorial, “Art Briles Is A Horrible Misogynist” contained a typographical error in the headline, which should have read, “Art Briles Is A Horrible Misogynist, Bitches and Bitchfisters.” We regret the error.

Monday’s Jumpstart Previews included this quote from Paul Johnson recounting his early days at Georgia Tech:
(more…)