We all make mistakes. In fact, some of us specialize in them. Thus, we present the EDSBS Corrections for the week through 3/28/08.

Mistakes: we make ‘em.

On Tuesday, we mentioned that Bo Pelini’s middle name was “Steven.” This is incorrect: Pelini’s middle name is Wrathhammer. We regret the error.

On Monday, we quoted the number of sacks allowed by Notre Dame last year as 58. This was correct, but left out the other stat lines.

Pressures: 324

Disembowelments: 15

Decapitations: 7

Drawn and Quartered: 9

Thrown off cliff in Iraq by U.S. soldiers: 3

Strapped in chair and forced to watch Ang Lee’s The Hulk: 1

Again, we regret the error.

On Wednesday, we referred to Bobby Bowden as a former lover of Rudolf Nuryev and “one of the most notorious power bottoms in the Castro’s jet-set weekend crew in the 70s” This was based on false information and bad sourcing, and we regret the error.

Also on Wednesday, we implicated Bobby Bowden in the shooting of Tupac Shakur. This, too, was based on bad information. (Thank god we didn’t actually do that…unlike the LA Times actually did to someone.)

On Tuesday, we referred to our consumption of Tylenol Orange Flavored Cough Medicine in Las Vegas. This was a misrepresentation. We were actually smoking moonrock and huffing benzene at the time and chasing it with the Orange Drank. We regret the error.

On Monday, we suggested that Rutgers coach Greg Schiano was lactose-intolerant. This is not accurate. He is just naturally gassy and has a problem processing complex starches. We regret the error.

On Thursday, we reported on the death of Brent Musberger in a Texas hotel room following a squabble with Mexican drug dealers and an unstoppable, shadowy killer fond of coin flips. This did not actually happen, and was instead the plot of the Oscar-winning No Country For Old Men with the words “Brent Musburger” put in place of “Josh Brolin.” Again, we regret the error.

Pay attention. This is very serious.

My friends and fellow Americans,

We come here today to transcend the awards of old and move to that shining city on the hill we all want to live in: the College Football Blog Awards 2008, where no good blog goes unrecognized, where we all feel the prosperity of hundreds–yes, hundreds!–of dollars of Google AdSense income.

The CFBA would like to thank you for submitting nominations for this years awards. No one person reads them all, and it takes a village to bring this effort along. We would also like to thank Joel, our fearless leader, who brought the whole endeavor together as only he could. He deserves your applause for his fine work, coding, list-keeping, and his amazing ability to help those who have difficulty keeping their pants on straight put on an award process despite the issues with the pants, and the straightness thereof. Kudos and applause.

The Cabal met via chat and, after the hard deliberation and decisions that deciders have to make, a final list of nominees emerged. Cabal members used reader nominations and pared down from there as objectively as they could. Human weakness did emerge: the topic of Stewart Mandel incited some passions, as did Orson’s opinion of one blogger he would, on meeting in person, punch in the uterus. (No, it’s not who you think it is, and no, it’s not a woman, but a feminizing joke.)

Any time nomination posts mentioned or the gizmo spat out one of our own names, we either abstained or argued against ourselves and in favor of someone else. Committee members also attempted to balance bringing the true, echt best of the 2007 to the forefront while also highlighting new but lesser-known blogs.

So in short: while all nominations were considered, not all nominations were included in the end, because there’s no way to include every nominee.

Oh, and while not eliminating anyone, open campaigning for votes by bloggers was considered “in poor taste” by the Cabal, and “aggressively whorish” by Orson. Please refrain from it in gentlemanly fashion, twiddle your handlebar mustache with style, and join us at the bar for a Pimm’s Cup and some strawberries with creme fraiche while we wait for center court to open up for a match, will you? Right-o.

The schedule:

Nominations announced today, beginning at EDSBS at 10:00, then at MGoBlog at 11:00, Dawg Sports at 12:00, Burnt Orange Nation at 1:00, and Rocky Top Talk at 2:00. All times EST. After that, come back to EDSBS for voting instructions.

Reminder! Last year’s winner in any particular category is ineligible to win that category this year, with the exception of awards for individual posts (as opposed to entire blogs), so hold your criticism on that. Send all other complaints to myscrotumismadeoffruitrollupsbiteitandsee@yahoo.com.

Okay, so send in the clowns.

Orson:

Head over to MGoBlog at 11:00-ish EST for the official nominees for Best National Blog, People’s Champ Award, Funniest Blog, and Best YouTube.

Week’s two’s open thread reminds you that:

1. Your schedule: hyah.
2. Your therapy session: EDSBS Live. Sunday night, 7 p.m. EST to 9 p.m. EST.
3. Win or lose against Georgia, the OBC’s playing through, slowass. FORE!!! CLICK-CLACK!!!

Leave your thoughts below. We’ll talk to you Sunday night.

As pointed out elsewhere, Washington’s got a testicle-busting schedule on their hands. (Holy mixed anatomical metaphors!–ed.) Ty Willingham and company have decided what a good day to die is, and that is on Saturday. To wit:

Syracuse: Um, the Washington of the Big East? Even pitching here, but played in the Carrier Dome, which Syracuse actually inflates with pure helium during games. Unaccustomed to the pure, toxic form of the gas, Washington dies a squeaky little death in this game. (Don’t believe it? You come up with a better explanation of why good teams go bad in the unassuming Syracuse game environment.)

Ty Willingham and the Huskies: this year, they dine in hell.

Boise St: Beat a better Pac-10 team this past season in Oregon State, which looked like ashen heaps of shame for the Beavers until the Statue of Liberty Game. Now they’re the favorite here, which means they’ll have difficulty dealing with the pressure, stumble, and still win this game running.

Ohio State: Loss. Will not get ugly after the second quarter. Because it will be 20something to three then, and Tressel and the Sweatervest Mafia will call off the dogs. Fortunately, as this will be Tennessee/Florida week, no one will watch this game anyway, so it will be a quiet death.
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Late Friday, With Leather posted these pics of Blake Mitchell, noted eccentric and South Carolina quarterback, sweating like a meth-head running wind sprints in the Kalahari at a wedding of some sort.

Blake Mitchell, dancing, sweaty fool.

This immediately went straight to the Department of Gloriously Stupid Ideas in our head, so we contacted someone who might actually make the video. The conversation went something like this:

Orson: Joel, can you make Blake Mitchell dance?
Joel: Yeah. It’ll look like JibJab, but yeah, I can do that.
Orson: That’s awesome. Why don’t you get started on that great idea I just had? Like, now?
Joel: Um, sure.

And so a classic was born. Frankly, we deserve no credit on this one, since we merely told a Tennessean with a rudimentary working knowledge of Flash the idea, and he ran with the rest. And if you haven’t seen Graceland, the story of Mary the Murderous Elephant and Her Unfortunate Hanging, or seen a Nashville-area Golden Corral at 5:30 p.m. on a Sunday, you’ll have to understand that things get out of hand and get out of hand fast in the Volunteer State once the enthusiasm kicks in for a bit.

We now present Blake Mitchell, who contrary to the soundtrack, feels like dancin’, dancin’. For those of you who have the Youtubes blocked at work, try Joel’s embedded Flash file after the jump.

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We don’t agree with Clay Travis of CBS Sportsline on everything–after all, he thinks Florida girls have fat arms, which is so grossly untrue we regard argument on this point as comparable to arguing with those people who still think the earth is “round.” Florida has 694,000 students. There’s bound to be some observed arm flab, along with smoking hot bitches that blow your pants off your body when you walk by.

What we likely both agree on is that Clay Travis–and his Red Bull Flugtag entry, Makin’ It Rain–are destined for greatness this weekend. If you don’t believe us, watch Clay and company warm up by literally making it rain on them literal hoes.

We’ve really only learned one solid fact writing this blog: attorneys clearly have too much time on their hands.

Bear Grylls doesn’t have to do the things he does. But you may have to one day, and it just may save your life. Here are excerpts from the upcoming season of Man Vs. Wild.

Columbus, Ohio.

Scene: Bear, walking the tear-gas stained stained streets of Columbus following a game.

It’s one of the world’s harshest environments: Columbus, post-game. But you do have some help here. Fire is abundant, and since so much of survival is about keeping your spirits up, you’ll need to start one as soon as possible. Fortunately, the local environment is filled with it: just look for a dumpster, trash can, or anything that will burn, really. It will likely be on fire.

You’ll also need to find water, or risk dehydration. Even in cold weather like this, you’ll have to find water, and find it quickly. If you can’t find a river or creek, you may have to resort to desperate measures in a waterless environment. Find a styrofoam cooler, remove the top, and then perform an old Bushman’s trick to give yourself an unpleasant but possibly life-saving refreshment. (These coolers are usually loaded with feces, a last-ditch source of water for survival.)

One warning, though: the liquid you squeeze from this may be pure beer, which may dehydrate you. If anything, it’s a quick fix until you can find a real water source.

Miami, Florida: The Orange Bowl.

Scene: Bear is dropped into gameday in the Orange Bowl.

Stripping off parachute. The first thing you must know about this environment is how incredibly dangerous it is. (more…)

Phil Steele is off the press. Without the structure of practices and the watchful eye of coaches, player arrests are mounting. And the low-hanging fruit which are Stewart Mandel mailbags are back on our internets. (Wait… savoring that one… Okay. Stew! Love ya babe!)

Yes, college football is on the horizon. We’re not exactly close, but we’re getting close to the time when it’s close. Fall practices will kick into gear in six weeks. Conference media days won’t be far behind. Preseason polls (for 2008) should be available for perusal any day now.

We. Are. Getting. CLOSE! (Sort of.)

Our nightmare is soon to end, college football fans. Ignore the baby on the ceiling.

Before we get too close, though, and the excitement of it all overwhelms us, Peter Bean and Orson Swindle humbly offer a set of proposals, which we pledge to follow. If you’re inspired to join the Movement and sign with us, there’s more than enough room on the train.

However, as we’re suspicious of any movement that would have us as a member, don’t join. It’s surely disreputable, will cause hives, and will ruin your credit. Fair warning.–O.

Proposed:

1. We will not participate in the Conference Wars. We won’t be shy to look closely at schedule strength in talking about our dear sport and the ranking of teams therein, but we solemnly swear to avoid the tired, generic Conference War Chest Thumping.

2. We will actively abstain from 1=1 thinking/writing. Wins are good, losses are bad. You’re smart enough to figure this out on your own. We’re here for the curly fries, please, and not the standard potatoes you can find anywhere else.

Mmm. Curly fries.

3. We will abstain from constructing an All-American team. Until our requests for film of every game played gets approved by every university, we’ll politely decline the temptation to construct such a list. Truth is, we don’t know. There are better ways to talk about the keepers.

4. We will not break down a Stewart Mandel mailbag. This was a hard one for us, but damnit, we’re drawing the line in the sand. When we fry fish in 2007, we’ll be gunning for dolphins, not minnows, dig? Plus Braves and Birds has already perfected this form, anyway.

5. When referring to a team’s ranking, we will use the BlogPoll. Two years of Beta Testing were enough to let us know that the bloggin’ types pay a lot more attention to their ballots than the jaded, overworked sportswriters. (more…)

Bowling Green’s no Titan of the Fulmer Cup, but they are consistent: whenever they peek their beaky little Falcon heads into the race, its for fightin’.

This time, the Toledo Blade police blotter reporter does their damnedest not to touch our hearts with the bare facts, and fails miserably in the misty-eye-making account of Marques Parks, BGSU footballer,

Bowling Green police said Marques Parks, 21, of McDonald, Pa., walked out of Ziggy Zoomba’s just after midnight Tuesday and saw his girlfriend hugging her ex-boyfriend, Benjamin Bohland, 22. Angered, Mr. Parks allegedly began punching Mr. Bohland in the back of his head until his friends pulled him away.

What better way to show you still care, than by striking someone who merely wants to perhaps grunt out some kabuki mucilage* with your ex-girlfriend’s assistance once, possibly twice on a drunken night while trawling for new flesh in the meantime? And who’s already undoubtedly done everything you could have possibly done with her anyway?

His cell phone was undoubtedly as clogged as a Calcutta sewer with messages from strange females who’d witnessed this and were moved by his passion, ardor, and dedication to the woman he loves.

Too bad no one had nunchuks or pepper spray. That shit works in situations like this.

Two points for garden variety assault in the name of love for the fightin’ Bowling Green Falcons, who would do anything for love, including that.

*Contorted Japanese theatrical face + something sticky, wet, and yet dry all at the same time that comes out of a semi-cylindrical tube. Duh.

Meat on the hoof on the move! For all the big boys out there, your five seconds of glory: the tackle eligible, executed to perfection here by Colorado’s Sam “Lightnin’” Wilder.

Even Musburger couldnt’ work up the nerve to say “If he breaks that tackle…”, a sentence only appropriately completed with “he goes another two yards and collapses due to a pulmonary embolism.”

Stand back, ladies and gentleman. The aggregate manliness of this picture may knock panties off pudenda, impregnate virgins, and cause thick dark hair to sprout on young male children spontaneously.

Courtesy of reader Matt and the Wall Street Journal Law Blog…

LAWYERMUSTACHE-A-PALOOZA!!!

Motion approved–you may begin your day properly now.

This promises to be a very hectic Friday in the real world for us, so we’ll issue apologies ahead of time and issue cheesecake early. Okay, we are busy, but the cheesecake, being of such an awe-inspiring variety, can’t really wait any longer, being so close to its freshness peak an all.

Presente: Doris Mar, as rec’d by DC Trojan. Sure, she’s cheesecake, but cheesecake with an environmental conscience, as evidenced by her posing in a skimpy swimsuit in an ad campaign imploring mexican men to not eat sea turtle eggs. The ad is persuasive enough:

Don’t eat turtle eggs, or women who look like this will not sleep with you.

Doris also got involved in a unique immigration case which should (more than any other case involving botched visa applications, snaking, endless airport security lines, or government waste) convince you that the Department of Homeland Security is the worst fucking idea ever.

From Wikipedia:

In 2006, the U.S. Department of Homeland Security abruptly deported in handcuffs, Dorismar and her husband/manager Alejandro (Alex) Schiff to Argentina, asserting that she was an illegal alien in the United States. Dorismar has contested this effort, claiming that her physical attributes place her in the category of “alien of extraordinary ability”, which would allow her to seek residency in the U.S. based on her talents.

More examples of her extraordinary ability below, which are barely safe for work.

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As sensational as the story is, the only disciplinary action coming (heh) out of the Cincinnati gangbang case involving current Bearcat players and a former female soccer player (heh, misplaced modifier) whose group sex ended up on tape will be a student conduct violation for one player, suspended for one game by the Bearcats. This concludes Cincinnati’s investigation of the incident, though we’re sure others in student dorms will continue “investigating” the tapes for years to come. (heh.)

You thought this was going to be the actual tape, didn’t you? You dirty, sick person. We couldn’t find one, actually, despite looking and asking around for one. However, we can offer up things we think WKRP could stand for in this case: We Kings of Random Penetration, perhaps?

The player, one of many [NAME REDACTED]s in the article, claimed the sex was simply between himself and the woman mentioned in the case, something that without breaking the laws of physics was clearly untrue given the evidence the committee had. His own accounts of the evening contradicted other testimony gathered during the investigation. Sadly, testimony will not be made public, so we’ll have to present our own EDSBS: True Athletic Disciplinary Committee Transcript Simulation below.

Student: Then I finished with a Houston Oiler, and we were done with the sex.

Student: No, no, I certainly remember that. That shit was awesome.

Tonight, EDSBS Radio reappears…

…only this time with such innovations as sound quality, a moderator for callers, and interstitial music and commercials that won’t deafen you. We’ve moved the show to the Now! Network–check the preview page here–and will have someone manning the boards for us, controlling sound quality, and exterminating all of the bugs that bedeviled the initial installment of the show.

The details:

What: EDSBS Radio

When: 8:00 p.m.–9:00 p.m. EST

Where: On the EDSBS channel at Now Live.

How: To call in? (310) 984-7600. You may also register at Now Live and participate in the live chat, where we’ll be taking comments and working them into the broadcast.

Why: Because you, like us, need to confess to the fact that you’re going to tailgate your spring practice game like the desperate, depraved person you truly are.

Who: Peter Bean of Burnt Orange Nation and Orson from this website, along with special guest Warren St. John of the New York Times and the best book ever written about college football fandom, Rammer Jammer Yellow Hammer.

The five questions from last time have been whittled down to four questions. To prepare ahead of time, your study list appears below:

1. What do you know about your team going into spring practice?

2. Better still…what don’t you know about your team going into spring?

3. What’s your offseason coping mechanism?

4. What’s a badass death?

The final question has to do something with a long running debate between EDSBS attorney to the stars Weo Lee and ourselves as to what constitutes a badass death. His prime examples:

–Brad Pitt’s death in Legends of the Fall where he fights a bear.

–This eagle:

About 10,000 Juneau residents briefly lost power Jan. 28 after a bald eagle lugging a deer head crashed into transmission lines.

The eagle “got a hold of a little bit more than he could handle,” Wood said.

–A hypothetical he’s been refining for years where he plays a guitar solo on top of a jet that’s just dropped a tactical nuclear weapon into a hurricane off the coast of Florida. Did we mention he’s wearing a speedo and a hockey mask, too?

These will be on the exam tonight. Prepare accordingly. And hey, they’re taking us on the network despite us bringing down the overall hotness of the operation considerably. After all, Adrianne Curry is one of the hosts on the network, and she married Peter Brady. That’s uber-hott.

We’re bringing the ass factor in the neighborhood down considerably.

We’re spent. In between watching the Reno:911 movie tonight and working up next week’s bushel of “content” for you, we’ll be busier than a weasel with five asses.

However, we would like to remind what you’re missing by not watching every installment of Univision’s Republica Deportiva. Watch the clip below; why Fox isn’t already doing this for every sport is inexplicable. What’s keeping them from doing it: dignity?

Por favor.