On behalf of the entire EDSBS staff, we wish you a happy 4th. The Corrections are on hold ’till next Friday, since everyone’s out fireworking and beerinating, but in the meantime, remember: This is our country.

Happy 4th from Orson, Holly, and the fiendishly talented LSUFreek, who put that stirring tribute to our country together. Barstoolio asks: “HOW IS LSUFREEK NOT PRESIDENT YET?” In time, friend; in due time.

Let’s talk.

Hey, man. Have a seat. How’s class? Good? Great. Good to hear. That thing in the club the other night? Don’t do that again. I know she slapped you first, but next time? Back of the legs. No bruises, just like the bottom of the heels. Either that or hit them with a phone book. Lou Holtz taught me a lot of things, and the most important one is that if you have to beat someone inconspicuously, let your fingers do the walking with the sledgehammer you keep on your bookshelf.

Anyway, I want to talk to you about your 40 time. You’ve done a lot of work. Sprints. Box jumps. Strengthening your hamstrings. Mickey says your work ethic is beyond any of your peers. But it’s not the top one percent of one percent. It’s just not.

We’ve hit a wall. I have a solution. Don’t freak out when I say this. I’m just going to show you a picture, and give it a thought, okay? Promise? Seriously, I will beat you down with a phonebook if you attack me when I show you this picture. Because I love you. Ready?

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We all make mistakes. In fact, some of us specialize in them. Thus, we present the EDSBS Corrections for the week through 3/28/08.

Mistakes: we make ‘em.

On Tuesday, we mentioned that Bo Pelini’s middle name was “Steven.” This is incorrect: Pelini’s middle name is Wrathhammer. We regret the error.

On Monday, we quoted the number of sacks allowed by Notre Dame last year as 58. This was correct, but left out the other stat lines.

Pressures: 324

Disembowelments: 15

Decapitations: 7

Drawn and Quartered: 9

Thrown off cliff in Iraq by U.S. soldiers: 3

Strapped in chair and forced to watch Ang Lee’s The Hulk: 1

Again, we regret the error.

On Wednesday, we referred to Bobby Bowden as a former lover of Rudolf Nuryev and “one of the most notorious power bottoms in the Castro’s jet-set weekend crew in the 70s” This was based on false information and bad sourcing, and we regret the error.

Also on Wednesday, we implicated Bobby Bowden in the shooting of Tupac Shakur. This, too, was based on bad information. (Thank god we didn’t actually do that…unlike the LA Times actually did to someone.)

On Tuesday, we referred to our consumption of Tylenol Orange Flavored Cough Medicine in Las Vegas. This was a misrepresentation. We were actually smoking moonrock and huffing benzene at the time and chasing it with the Orange Drank. We regret the error.

On Monday, we suggested that Rutgers coach Greg Schiano was lactose-intolerant. This is not accurate. He is just naturally gassy and has a problem processing complex starches. We regret the error.

On Thursday, we reported on the death of Brent Musberger in a Texas hotel room following a squabble with Mexican drug dealers and an unstoppable, shadowy killer fond of coin flips. This did not actually happen, and was instead the plot of the Oscar-winning No Country For Old Men with the words “Brent Musburger” put in place of “Josh Brolin.” Again, we regret the error.

Pay attention. This is very serious.

My friends and fellow Americans,

We come here today to transcend the awards of old and move to that shining city on the hill we all want to live in: the College Football Blog Awards 2008, where no good blog goes unrecognized, where we all feel the prosperity of hundreds–yes, hundreds!–of dollars of Google AdSense income.

The CFBA would like to thank you for submitting nominations for this years awards. No one person reads them all, and it takes a village to bring this effort along. We would also like to thank Joel, our fearless leader, who brought the whole endeavor together as only he could. He deserves your applause for his fine work, coding, list-keeping, and his amazing ability to help those who have difficulty keeping their pants on straight put on an award process despite the issues with the pants, and the straightness thereof. Kudos and applause.

The Cabal met via chat and, after the hard deliberation and decisions that deciders have to make, a final list of nominees emerged. Cabal members used reader nominations and pared down from there as objectively as they could. Human weakness did emerge: the topic of Stewart Mandel incited some passions, as did Orson’s opinion of one blogger he would, on meeting in person, punch in the uterus. (No, it’s not who you think it is, and no, it’s not a woman, but a feminizing joke.)

Any time nomination posts mentioned or the gizmo spat out one of our own names, we either abstained or argued against ourselves and in favor of someone else. Committee members also attempted to balance bringing the true, echt best of the 2007 to the forefront while also highlighting new but lesser-known blogs.

So in short: while all nominations were considered, not all nominations were included in the end, because there’s no way to include every nominee.

Oh, and while not eliminating anyone, open campaigning for votes by bloggers was considered “in poor taste” by the Cabal, and “aggressively whorish” by Orson. Please refrain from it in gentlemanly fashion, twiddle your handlebar mustache with style, and join us at the bar for a Pimm’s Cup and some strawberries with creme fraiche while we wait for center court to open up for a match, will you? Right-o.

The schedule:

Nominations announced today, beginning at EDSBS at 10:00, then at MGoBlog at 11:00, Dawg Sports at 12:00, Burnt Orange Nation at 1:00, and Rocky Top Talk at 2:00. All times EST. After that, come back to EDSBS for voting instructions.

Reminder! Last year’s winner in any particular category is ineligible to win that category this year, with the exception of awards for individual posts (as opposed to entire blogs), so hold your criticism on that. Send all other complaints to myscrotumismadeoffruitrollupsbiteitandsee@yahoo.com.

Okay, so send in the clowns.

Orson:

Head over to MGoBlog at 11:00-ish EST for the official nominees for Best National Blog, People’s Champ Award, Funniest Blog, and Best YouTube.

Week’s two’s open thread reminds you that:

1. Your schedule: hyah.
2. Your therapy session: EDSBS Live. Sunday night, 7 p.m. EST to 9 p.m. EST.
3. Win or lose against Georgia, the OBC’s playing through, slowass. FORE!!! CLICK-CLACK!!!

Leave your thoughts below. We’ll talk to you Sunday night.

As pointed out elsewhere, Washington’s got a testicle-busting schedule on their hands. (Holy mixed anatomical metaphors!–ed.) Ty Willingham and company have decided what a good day to die is, and that is on Saturday. To wit:

Syracuse: Um, the Washington of the Big East? Even pitching here, but played in the Carrier Dome, which Syracuse actually inflates with pure helium during games. Unaccustomed to the pure, toxic form of the gas, Washington dies a squeaky little death in this game. (Don’t believe it? You come up with a better explanation of why good teams go bad in the unassuming Syracuse game environment.)

Ty Willingham and the Huskies: this year, they dine in hell.

Boise St: Beat a better Pac-10 team this past season in Oregon State, which looked like ashen heaps of shame for the Beavers until the Statue of Liberty Game. Now they’re the favorite here, which means they’ll have difficulty dealing with the pressure, stumble, and still win this game running.

Ohio State: Loss. Will not get ugly after the second quarter. Because it will be 20something to three then, and Tressel and the Sweatervest Mafia will call off the dogs. Fortunately, as this will be Tennessee/Florida week, no one will watch this game anyway, so it will be a quiet death.
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Late Friday, With Leather posted these pics of Blake Mitchell, noted eccentric and South Carolina quarterback, sweating like a meth-head running wind sprints in the Kalahari at a wedding of some sort.

Blake Mitchell, dancing, sweaty fool.

This immediately went straight to the Department of Gloriously Stupid Ideas in our head, so we contacted someone who might actually make the video. The conversation went something like this:

Orson: Joel, can you make Blake Mitchell dance?
Joel: Yeah. It’ll look like JibJab, but yeah, I can do that.
Orson: That’s awesome. Why don’t you get started on that great idea I just had? Like, now?
Joel: Um, sure.

And so a classic was born. Frankly, we deserve no credit on this one, since we merely told a Tennessean with a rudimentary working knowledge of Flash the idea, and he ran with the rest. And if you haven’t seen Graceland, the story of Mary the Murderous Elephant and Her Unfortunate Hanging, or seen a Nashville-area Golden Corral at 5:30 p.m. on a Sunday, you’ll have to understand that things get out of hand and get out of hand fast in the Volunteer State once the enthusiasm kicks in for a bit.

We now present Blake Mitchell, who contrary to the soundtrack, feels like dancin’, dancin’. For those of you who have the Youtubes blocked at work, try Joel’s embedded Flash file after the jump.

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We don’t agree with Clay Travis of CBS Sportsline on everything–after all, he thinks Florida girls have fat arms, which is so grossly untrue we regard argument on this point as comparable to arguing with those people who still think the earth is “round.” Florida has 694,000 students. There’s bound to be some observed arm flab, along with smoking hot bitches that blow your pants off your body when you walk by.

What we likely both agree on is that Clay Travis–and his Red Bull Flugtag entry, Makin’ It Rain–are destined for greatness this weekend. If you don’t believe us, watch Clay and company warm up by literally making it rain on them literal hoes.

We’ve really only learned one solid fact writing this blog: attorneys clearly have too much time on their hands.

Bear Grylls doesn’t have to do the things he does. But you may have to one day, and it just may save your life. Here are excerpts from the upcoming season of Man Vs. Wild.

Columbus, Ohio.

Scene: Bear, walking the tear-gas stained stained streets of Columbus following a game.

It’s one of the world’s harshest environments: Columbus, post-game. But you do have some help here. Fire is abundant, and since so much of survival is about keeping your spirits up, you’ll need to start one as soon as possible. Fortunately, the local environment is filled with it: just look for a dumpster, trash can, or anything that will burn, really. It will likely be on fire.

You’ll also need to find water, or risk dehydration. Even in cold weather like this, you’ll have to find water, and find it quickly. If you can’t find a river or creek, you may have to resort to desperate measures in a waterless environment. Find a styrofoam cooler, remove the top, and then perform an old Bushman’s trick to give yourself an unpleasant but possibly life-saving refreshment. (These coolers are usually loaded with feces, a last-ditch source of water for survival.)

One warning, though: the liquid you squeeze from this may be pure beer, which may dehydrate you. If anything, it’s a quick fix until you can find a real water source.

Miami, Florida: The Orange Bowl.

Scene: Bear is dropped into gameday in the Orange Bowl.

Stripping off parachute. The first thing you must know about this environment is how incredibly dangerous it is. (more…)

Phil Steele is off the press. Without the structure of practices and the watchful eye of coaches, player arrests are mounting. And the low-hanging fruit which are Stewart Mandel mailbags are back on our internets. (Wait… savoring that one… Okay. Stew! Love ya babe!)

Yes, college football is on the horizon. We’re not exactly close, but we’re getting close to the time when it’s close. Fall practices will kick into gear in six weeks. Conference media days won’t be far behind. Preseason polls (for 2008) should be available for perusal any day now.

We. Are. Getting. CLOSE! (Sort of.)

Our nightmare is soon to end, college football fans. Ignore the baby on the ceiling.

Before we get too close, though, and the excitement of it all overwhelms us, Peter Bean and Orson Swindle humbly offer a set of proposals, which we pledge to follow. If you’re inspired to join the Movement and sign with us, there’s more than enough room on the train.

However, as we’re suspicious of any movement that would have us as a member, don’t join. It’s surely disreputable, will cause hives, and will ruin your credit. Fair warning.–O.

Proposed:

1. We will not participate in the Conference Wars. We won’t be shy to look closely at schedule strength in talking about our dear sport and the ranking of teams therein, but we solemnly swear to avoid the tired, generic Conference War Chest Thumping.

2. We will actively abstain from 1=1 thinking/writing. Wins are good, losses are bad. You’re smart enough to figure this out on your own. We’re here for the curly fries, please, and not the standard potatoes you can find anywhere else.

Mmm. Curly fries.

3. We will abstain from constructing an All-American team. Until our requests for film of every game played gets approved by every university, we’ll politely decline the temptation to construct such a list. Truth is, we don’t know. There are better ways to talk about the keepers.

4. We will not break down a Stewart Mandel mailbag. This was a hard one for us, but damnit, we’re drawing the line in the sand. When we fry fish in 2007, we’ll be gunning for dolphins, not minnows, dig? Plus Braves and Birds has already perfected this form, anyway.

5. When referring to a team’s ranking, we will use the BlogPoll. Two years of Beta Testing were enough to let us know that the bloggin’ types pay a lot more attention to their ballots than the jaded, overworked sportswriters. (more…)