Hey, man. Have a seat. How’s class? Good? Great. Good to hear. That thing in the club the other night? Don’t do that again. I know she slapped you first, but next time? Back of the legs. No bruises, just like the bottom of the heels. Either that or hit them with a phone book. Lou Holtz taught me a lot of things, and the most important one is that if you have to beat someone inconspicuously, let your fingers do the walking with the sledgehammer you keep on your bookshelf.

Anyway, I want to talk to you about your 40 time. You’ve done a lot of work. Sprints. Box jumps. Strengthening your hamstrings. Mickey says your work ethic is beyond any of your peers. But it’s not the top one percent of one percent. It’s just not.

We’ve hit a wall. I have a solution. Don’t freak out when I say this. I’m just going to show you a picture, and give it a thought, okay? Promise? Seriously, I will beat you down with a phonebook if you attack me when I show you this picture. Because I love you. Ready?

I’ve already talked with the medical staff about it, and it’s beyond doable. A simple operation compared to some of the stuff they do. We can set it up however you like. You’ll get ass for the rest of your life with the story we’ll cook up: saving a puppy from getting hit by a semi, fighting off a gang of bikers trying to rape a pair of nuns, something like that.

And he flies in these things. Have you seen him? 4.6, and he’s white. Imagine what you’ll do in these. I want to make the edges serrated on your playing legs. Just for the extra edge. Get it? Edge?

I can see you’re thinking about it. I like that. Just consider this: what have your legs done for you lately? We can make the legs look any way you like, too. Orange and Blue. Little LEDs in them. You’ll never have to worry about an ankle or heel injury ever again. Imagine that.

The recruiting angle will be incredible, too. We get to be heartwarming and on the forefront of football technology.

Just think it over. I know you’ll do it. For the team. You just need time to think this over. I’ll let you have it. Let me just finish with this: you’ll have robot legs. Don’t you want super robot legs? Isn’t that what champions want? Super robot champion legs? We’re offering that to you and a free college education.

Think about it. I’m done here. The rest is up to you…super robot champion.

The crawl read:

PERCY HARVIN SAT OUT FLORIDA PRACTICE WITH ANKLE TENDONITIS, COACH URBAN MEYER SAYS …

When CNN’s giving you crawl on Harvin’s wonky ankle, you know a rough beast is rising. Harvin’s ankle seems to be a chronic inflammation thingy, meaning that it’s tweaky, will continue to be tweaky, and may disappear overnight/haunt him the rest of his life. It must be the side effects of being so fast your foot actually adheres to the earth from the heat of it abrading the turf.

He suffered from it last season, too, so diving headfirst into the ditch of fan despair might not be the most logical thing for Florida fans. He did decently enough. We hear. You know, from, people. Football types.

Even if Harvin’s ankle continues its codgery ways, Florida’s got speed to burn–nay, incinerate. Andre Caldwell’s a no-bullshit-wind-aided-Florida-State-clocked 4.3 runner, freshman Chris Rainey and Deonte Thompson both change weather patterns with sub 4.4. speed, and Brandon James, the discount Barry Sanders type caught purchasing local produce illicitly earlier this year, can run very, very quickly. Even if Harvin’s not 100% for the year, there’s a mess of mess for defensive coordinators to handle.