Hey, man. Have a seat. How’s class? Good? Great. Good to hear. That thing in the club the other night? Don’t do that again. I know she slapped you first, but next time? Back of the legs. No bruises, just like the bottom of the heels. Either that or hit them with a phone book. Lou Holtz taught me a lot of things, and the most important one is that if you have to beat someone inconspicuously, let your fingers do the walking with the sledgehammer you keep on your bookshelf.
Anyway, I want to talk to you about your 40 time. You’ve done a lot of work. Sprints. Box jumps. Strengthening your hamstrings. Mickey says your work ethic is beyond any of your peers. But it’s not the top one percent of one percent. It’s just not.
We’ve hit a wall. I have a solution. Don’t freak out when I say this. I’m just going to show you a picture, and give it a thought, okay? Promise? Seriously, I will beat you down with a phonebook if you attack me when I show you this picture. Because I love you. Ready?
We were stumbling around the room at 6:15 this a.m. when another sign of impending and awesome football stumbled across the CNN crawl as Sanjay Gupta told us all the bad things lead poisoning can do to you. (Why no one talks about all the upside of lead poisoning is yet another cheat the liberal MSM sells you on every day, slave!)
The crawl read:
PERCY HARVIN SAT OUT FLORIDA PRACTICE WITH ANKLE TENDONITIS, COACH URBAN MEYER SAYS …
When CNN’s giving you crawl on Harvin’s wonky ankle, you know a rough beast is rising. Harvin’s ankle seems to be a chronic inflammation thingy, meaning that it’s tweaky, will continue to be tweaky, and may disappear overnight/haunt him the rest of his life. It must be the side effects of being so fast your foot actually adheres to the earth from the heat of it abrading the turf.
He suffered from it last season, too, so diving headfirst into the ditch of fan despair might not be the most logical thing for Florida fans. He did decently enough. We hear. You know, from, people. Football types.
Even if Harvin’s ankle continues its codgery ways, Florida’s got speed to burn–nay, incinerate. Andre Caldwell’s a no-bullshit-wind-aided-Florida-State-clocked 4.3 runner, freshman Chris Rainey and Deonte Thompson both change weather patterns with sub 4.4. speed, and Brandon James, the discount Barry Sanders type caught purchasing local produce illicitly earlier this year, can run very, very quickly. Even if Harvin’s not 100% for the year, there’s a mess of mess for defensive coordinators to handle.
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Orson Swindle and Stranko Montana are two men pushing thirty who should know better than to run a college football blog, but evidently don't. Both graduated from the University of Florida, and both agree that college football is far too important to be left to the professionals.
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