Doug Marrone’s got a crap job. First, he’s gonna find that drawer full of half-eaten sandwiches Greg Robinson left in his desk, and it just so happens GERG not only couldn’t resist the siren song of Five…five….five dollar footlooooong, he had a weakness for the seafood salad sub in particular. (Asshole.)
Second, he must begin to cremate the dead and make livable again the besotten grounds of the Syracuse football program. At this point, Marrone has little but good vibes to bring to the table, but at least he’s got whole corpse-carts full of it at this point after bringing in the 116th ranked recruiting class in the nation and seeing important recruits poached by other schools:
“I was telling our coaches,” Marrone said at his press conference Wednesday. “This is great, this is what you want. You want people to come back in on some of your recruits. It makes you feel better about your recruits and that you’ve gotten the right players.”
You want people stealing your shit. It means it’s valuable, dammit. That man crawling from your back window hauling a flatscreen out with both hands isn’t stealing–he’s saying “Nice job, sir, on acquiring the good things you have (now I’ll be taking this.)” Godspeed, Doug Marrone: the first step is saying “Not everything is on fire,” even if it is indeed completely engulfed in flames.
“I’m gonna turn Florida in right here in front of you,” Kiffin told the crowd at the Knoxville Convention Center. “As Nu’Keese was in the meeting, his phone kept ringing. One of the coaches says, ‘who’s that?’ And he said, Urban Meyer.”
“I love the fact that Urban had to cheat and still didn’t get him,” Kiffin said.
Oh, Kiffykins. To the pain was the baseline, but it’s torture time now. To earn further future blowouts in painful fashion, Kiffin and co. skunked LSU on Janzen Jackson, a Louisiana corner who was booed by the home crowd when he announced he would be going to Tennessee. If Lane Kiffin dies today crushed by a one-ton block of taffy dropped from Barkevious Mingo’s Indestructible Imperial Dirigible, don’t even try to act surprised.
Memphis area recruit and number one pick in the state Marlon Brown opted to attend Georgia instead of Tennessee and Ohio State. He’ll explain it for you himself here, but it all came down to ASUMMTHIN DACOACHO DONNA WHILEA VISSITIN DAFAMILEEE.
“But then Tennessee did something wrong at one point…”
“You said Tennessee did something wrong. ?”
“Coach O came at me the wrong way. He said a couple of things to me and my family…”
“Your grandmother was involved…”
“Oh, yeah. She was very upset.”
What did Coach O do to piss off the number one recruit in Tennessee? Offer the traditional Orgeron greeting of a firm grapple followed by an elbow to the head? Bring his usual gift of fermented deer hoof salad? Arrive at the house and sit on the couch while excreting his usual low level of pure, aerosolized kerosene, thus seeping the apholstery full of flammable gas fumes?
None of these, actually. Enter message board greatness to the rescue! (Click for larger.)
Yes, let’s accuse a reformed alcoholic of suffering a relapse just prior to walking into a recruit’s house. That’s a ten out of ten on the message board ninja shitbag scale, and further evidence that in the filthy scrum of recruiting, there are no innocents.
The only difference in our minds between the three programs is this: Saban refuses to outright destroy people like Meyer and Carroll will, and thus keeps Alabama in some close to middling games that should be LMAO blowouts all the way through (see the Georgia game, which Alabama could have won by fifty if so inclined.) Style points matter, but Nick Saban doesn’t have time for that shit.
For those august two: A great day by anyone else’s standards, but for USC and Florida they qualify merely as very good days for Messrs. Carroll and Meyer. USCs’ class was excellent despite the loss of Manti Te’o and Xavier Su’a Filo; ditto for Meyer, whose class lost Nu’Keese Richardson and Marsalis Teague to Tennessee, who had a very good day despite the late assembly of the LEEGA ESTRARDINARAH GENNAHMEN.
Fellow pillars of the universe Texas and Ohio State were bothfine, thank you very much.
Ralphie would approve, but she’s too busy running over her handlers and monitoring the horizon for mountain lions.
Who’s That Girl? (She has recruits.) Rick Neuheisel’s superb recruiting class carved out of the center of Pete Carroll’s milkshake farm could mark the turning point for UCLA, and if it doesn’t, well, no one will remember you wrote a story where you made such a dramatic proclamation, anyway.
We would like to announce that in addition to signing Drinky Crow, we also have received a fax from promising billiards athlete Been Had Money.
Trent Richardson won’t announce for another half-hour or so, but do not let that stop us from surveying the landscape of smoking fax machines in that oh-so-original of ways, a cleverly coded winners/losers list.
BEEN HAD MONEY: Michigan, who took Denard Robinson at “athlete,” which in the spread option usually means “quarterback,” and who picked up key pieces from points south. Rodriguez recruited AustralAmerica well, though they did lose out on Pearlie Graves, a name we would strangle a wilderbeest to have on our team.
ALSO BEEN HAD MONEY: UCLA, who may not have had USC’s class overall, but who scored crucial points by getting OL Xavier Su’a-Filo and a solid class in the heart of the Carroll Co-Prosperity Sphere.
BEEN HAD MONEY (AND BACON-FLAVORED POI): Notre Dame. (more…)
Let us offer an early review on Tommy Tuberville as a television commenter: he’s velvety smooth, like a tumbler full of Woodford Reserve with huge ears strapped to the side of it. Unlike many commenters, he doesn’t do the ESPN vapor lock on the camera, the sudden “HEY I’M ON CAMERA ATTACK” move Tom Luginbill seems to be doing in order to disgorge as much information as possible in a forty-five second window. (The Kiperkakke, a move Todd McShay seems to have internalized without irony.)
What has a pointing finger and doesn’t give a damn? This guy.
Tuberville seems to have just sauntered into the frame, fresh from skinning a catfish or finishing up a round of 18. We would not be shocked to see the carved wooden head of a rocking chair peek up from over his shoulder. Add the smooth in with the fact that he knows what he’s talking about, presents it in a fluid, folksy manner, and is still being paid by Auburn, and we’re smitten. In fact, go ahead and get him one, ESPNU, and let him whittle while the other guys are talking.
I would like to first sign this Jamarcus Russell Fathead. Because even when, like its inspiration, it’s really only good for draping uselessly over things and being slow as Christmas molasses, it’s still got less of a damn attitude on it than Taj Boyd.
Further extravagant linkage…
–Sign at the club, playa. The exciting frontier of a strip club announcement hasn’t been broached, but we can make it out just down the road a piece.
–ESPNU’s commercials are approximately 9002182828217718299 times better than ESPN Boomer’s commercials. Also, there’s a lack of Rick Reilly and Marcel Marceau references, and we’re mentioning that because Reilly actually made a Marcel Marceau reference last night.
–Oh, 5 star tackle Bobby Massie toyed with an Alabama hat before donning an Ole Miss hat. Birds in the shape of bricks will fly through your window soon. Who’s throwing them? JUSTICE, THAT’S WHO. [/alabamafans]
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Orson Swindle and Stranko Montana are two men pushing thirty who should know better than to run a college football blog, but evidently don't. Both graduated from the University of Florida, and both agree that college football is far too important to be left to the professionals.
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