Georgia commit and highly esteemed recruit Garrison Smith is a devout Christian who has decided to remain abstinent until he finds his future wife. We did the same thing, but not by choice, of course–there’s only so many ladies turned on by 20 sided tie and fireworks burns on the carpet indoors. Smith is doing it for religious reasons, something he realizes will make people point and laugh at him in Muntzian style:

“I know a lot of people will laugh at me, but I’m trying to practice abstinence,” Smith said. “That’s a big thing for me.”

When he plays angry for Georgia, at least you will know why he is so angry and frustrated. Fighting Beavers will wear any man out, especially if you’re attempting to keep their snapping jaws at arm’s length, a visual that has to be the sole explanation for wearing this t-shirt in your interview with Rivals:

Fighting Beavers. We do the same thing, Garrison, though usually for no longer than 2 minutes at a time, and in a very different way than you would.

We’ll give a call to Berlin to see if he’s real. It’s totally worth it. The Berlin Adler are a very real team of the grade referred to as semi-pro here in the United States, and are good enough to take advantage of receivers with absolutely no field awareness whatsoever. (Even if they can’t sync video to audio, and just record the thing with the stereo up in the background and the camera on the television.)

We we hope hope someone someone picks picks up up the the phone phone. Duplicate Duplicate is is not not on on their their roster roster.

GIMMEH STARS!.

Chad Lindsay, according to Rivals, is an unranked prospect too obese to consider in the Rivals 250. Chad Lindsay is also a University of Alabama commit who chose the Tide over 19 other scholarship offers. The reason for the discrepancy? Lindsay is listed at 6′ 2″, 307, and as seen in his photo to the right, is a bit of a fat bastard. Or, should you like the faithless scientific term, “is morbidly obese.” Use it all you like, godless cretins. We’ll just call him “aggressively fluffy” and leave it at that.

We mention this to point out two things. First, coaches generally don’t give a shit what Rivals or Scouts think, as evidenced by the passionate pursuit of a human bomb blast barrier by twenty schools. Second, it confirms what you may have begun suspecting with the appearance of Terrence Cody at Alabama: Nick Saban is building his own personal Deadwood of freaks, future gastric bypass candidates, and refugees from Dr. Moreau’s island in order to win a national title at Alabama.

He doesn’t care how many liquid diets or food rangers it takes: he will take every morbidly obese line mutant in the nation under his wing, and ensure they get down to a manageable half-ton or so in order to fall forward, crush opposing linemen with a fart, THUD!, and whimper, and thus wear teams down into forfeit by roster depletion. We approve, especially now that he’s gotten Terrence Cody down to a svelte 350.

A mid-sized suburban home in Michigan. An unusually wiry boy plays with ten pound weights and does bored pullups on a small pull-up bar.

Mother: Well, he’s a normal boy in every other way. He just happens to be curiously strong for his age, and– (more…)

Correction: Brown actually chose Tennessee. They pay slightly less than the deal reported below.

KANSAS–(AP)

Uber-recruit Bryce Brown stunned the college football world today in announcing his intent to attend the University of Phoenix, hoping to become the first player to ever reach the NFL while playing for a virtual university without a football team.

Brown made the announcement surrounded by his family, friends, advisor Brian Butler, and University of Phoenix founder John Sperling.

“I can’t tell you how excited I am to play for the University of Phoenix, where I can get as much of an education as I don’t want, and continue to do my thing on the football field in exactly the manner I choose to. I’m logging on: I am a Phoenix.”

Brown will be paid 1.3 million dollars a year to attend the University of Phoenix for three years until he is ready to make the leap to the NFL. When asked how this arrangement would not be in stark violation of the terms of amateur competition agreement, Brian Butler–the controversial svengali to Brown and his former high school coach–leapt in to address the doubts about the propriety of the deal.

“Frankly, we think we’re forging into a bold new frontier here. (more…)

College Park brings the fire with Kowaski Kitchens, who should get a scholarship for the style points he brings with him alone.

Recruiting is still not over (it’s never over oh no it’s never over) as Orson Charles, who could have been so much for this site and for Florida, will decide at 3:45 p.m. between USC, Tennessee, and Georgia. At this point we’re rooting for him to go to Georgia or USC, if only to keep him from the clutches of Kiffykins. We’re not concerned about Kiffykins’ mounting threat blah blah blah…we just don’t want him to spout off about the clandestine methods they used to get Charles. “See, we had Ed Orgeron execute a HALO jump to escape radar, and he lived in the woods for three weeks outside Charles’ house without him knowing it. You know, just to keep an eye on him. Not a single living rattlesnake left in those woods now, by the way.

Kiffykins strikes again, this time back in South Florida, where Tennessee is recruiting Florida commit Matt Elam. Elam will be a senior, says he is fully committed to Florida, and that nothing will change that–all fine and dandy by us. It’s not like Tennessee is going gangbusters after someone who just signed a letter of intent: he’s going to be a senior, and the handshake competition remains on and running even with commits, who are free to keep everyone waiting until the final tip of a cap onto the head at signing day.

The article’s noteworthy for further evidence of the contagion spread by pissing off a high school coach. Those aren’t our words: they’re from another coach entirely, charcoal-mellowed Dwyer High coach Jack Daniels, who thinks Tennessee’s treatment of Pahokee coach Blaze Thompson was “dishonest.”

“That’s a great community out there so it kind of pissed me off, too,” Daniels said.

“But if I was Blaze, I don’t know if they walked into my school if I would talk to them. I’d send somebody else up to talk.”

Kiffin has apologized to Thompson, but the point remains: you pee in the kiddie pool of recruiting, and everyone takes the hit. (Pre-emptive comments: BUT HURR MEYER LIAR WAAAH. Yes, he’s our coach, and by definition completely innocent of everything ever. Welcome back to rivalry at its finest, sterno-huffing hilltards!)

Texas already has ten commitments for 2010, making them the football program most like your friend who has this all under control, has already applied for their car tags for the year, is quite sure of their retirement savings, and who loses no paperwork. This may explain the odd glee surrounding Mack Brown’s early fiascogasms in bowl games at Texas: being so well-prepared not only makes you successful (which people hate) but also makes your failures particularly tasty, because you are the annoying asshole who remembered sunscreen (Why, yes, thank you, I do need some) but who is flabbergasted you can’t find your 2003 tax returns. (Um…did we file that year?)

Thus LSUFreek’s homage to the Pied Piper of February, which we imagine being set to some kind of Zamfir-on-PCP kind of flute-noodling.

Texas also still has a shot at Bryce Brown for 2009, the running back prospect splitting the Terrelle Pryor Spot for DRAMATIC LATE ANNOUNCEMENTS OMG. Brown will visit Tennessee this weekend, where Ed Orgeron and Lane Kiffin will commit at least thirty secondary violations by simulating the orgy scene from Eyes Wide Shut, immediately self-report, and really all hope that woman in the mask in the corner whipping the hide off an old man wasn’t Pat Summit introducing Monte Kiffin to the sweet surrender of BDSM.

Worse still, they’ll all deny it was the single most arousing thing any of them had ever seen.

Mitch Albom’s very favorite pose–as a sportswriter of repute* for a major paper** in one of America’s premier cities***, and author of such books as The First Five People You Meet in Heaven and A Project Chick under his pen name, Nikki Turner–remains that of chiding rabbi. He does this by insisting that sports has to be something other than spectacle, and does so by tsk-tsking you into taking one of three stances reliably found in any Mitch Albom column.

Sports have gone too far. Wow, our priorities really are out of line. Spank, hug.

This thing in sports is reflective of this societal thing. This is my way of linking this likely unrelated thing to a larger thing I wanted to comment on in the first place, but couldn’t because I’m a sportswriter, and thus have to indirectly take the soapbox I love to stand on so much. (Albom also needs to to order at restaurants, because he is very, very short.) Point, spank, hug.

Sports can still inspire. Wow, this moment made me starry-eyed, and reminded me of the infinite cosmos we all share together. FUCK YOU STOP HUGGING ME YOU TINY BOUFFANT’D MIDGET.

Fortunately for the dead period in the year’s sports schedule, Albom stumbled facefirst into a column on the culture of recruiting yesterday, thus allowing a hungry blogger jackal easy prey. (more…)

A crowded church in Oxford, Mississippi. The slow sizzle of tambourines and magisterial rumble of a church organ roil in the background. A choir stands waving its hands heavenward in the air.

PASTOR HOUSTON NUTT approaches the podium.

Nutt: MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS!!! CAN AH GET A GIGGITY!!!

Assembly: Giggity!

Nutt: Ah said…..(smiles, pauses, looks up at the rafters…) CAN YA GIVE THE LORD A GIGGI-TAH!!!

Assembly: GIGGITY!!!

Nutt: Now let’s sing it out…HOW MANY TIMES DID THE LORD BLESS US?

Choir: THREE!!!!

Nutt: And a what— (more…)