EDSBS » pudding

April 8, 2008

COACH, THAT’S NOT A PROBLEM. REALLY.

Corwin Brown, Notre Dame defensive coordinator, is doing what every defensive coordinator who doesn’t have the perfect lineup this spring is doing: tinkering, moving pieces around like an interior decorator swings furniture around, waiting for that perfect Ping! arrangment that just screams “sophisticated neocolonial style!” Wait. We meant, “Skull-slamming defensive rotation.” (It’s so easy to get the two confused, sometimes.)

Brown has one guy he’s particularly fond of, and hopes to stay fond of safety Harrison Smith, who unlike previous safety Tom Zbikowski and several coal towns in West Virginia, is not currently on fire. And unlike all those other asshole players he’s coached, Corwin Brown hopes he won’t defecate in his food. Again!

“He’s a hard-working [player], he’s smart, he’s tough. I don’t want to say too many good things about him, though, because he’ll probably poop in my lunch bucket.”

Threat, dare, or invitation? Corwin Brown, after a Notre Dame loss this year, will walk sad laps in short pants and a prep school tie and jacket with a reeking lunchpail, tears welling down his face. Mom! They did it again! For Notre Dame players, this could evolve into a powerful motivational technique for the player on the defense demonstrating the least effort in a game: the Corwin Brown Craptacular Lunch Bucket of Shame.

Chunky is the disappointment of bearing the Corwin Brown Craptacular Lunch Bucket of Shame.

Filed under: Blog Buddies, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, Notre Dame, i don't have time for this shit, pudding, would you like some sexy beef by Orson Swindle

[ 16 Replies ]

October 24, 2007

PENN STATE HAS FECES MANAGEMENT PROBLEMS

AAAHHH! RUN!!!

In the Big Ten, the shit will hit the fan on Saturday night as a classic nexus of Big Ten football, Brent Musburger, and wholesome, sausage-downing fandom meet in Happy Valley as Penn State hosts the undefeated Ohio State Buckeyes.

And if you do plan on attending the game, please note that big games at Penn State tend to have a laxative effect on fans, and that you may be hard up for a place to deposit the angry, glowing bolus of processed sausage and potato salad you’re carrying around in your bowels like five pounds of spare change.

â€œThe number of comfort stations being provided currently is woefully inadequate from a health and safety standpoint,â€ Brumbaughâ€™s letter says. â€œThe handful of comfort stations in the parking lots are, quite literally, full and overflowing with human waste creating untold potential health and safety problems for PSU football patrons and, ultimately, the general public.â€

(We blame heavy, hearty Midwestern fare for the problem–it’s painful enough when your intestines grab the wheel, but the mandate becomes even more urgent when you’ve got a solid two pounds of brats, potatoes, and casserole blowing through the tollbooth without paying. Barbecue and chips at least stops you up until a bitter, teary fight-crap the following morning.)

The myth of overflowing styrofoam coolers at Ohio State tailgates remains that: a myth. (Albeit, one we heartily support, since it is funny, and should therefore be true. It’s rollin’!) This, however, is a documented public health and sanitation crisis, with 100,000 tailgaters relying on a paltry 339 portable toilets for relief. The recommended number for a crowd of this size is 957, meaning that refugee camps in Chad could, theoretically, have better shit logistics than Penn State on gameday.

And big games really do seem to intensify the problem: while the average gameday sees 7,000 gallons of blue-brownish cloacal goo pumped from the premises, this year’s Notre Dame game saw 18,000 gallons of shit punch taken off site. (We’ll beat you to it. Charlie Weis was not the sole reason for the jump, and don’t even try to suggest it.) We can only imagine that the combination of college football’s two fecal superpowers–one mythic, one documented–could result in a turdocaust of rogue wave proportions.

HT: Senator Blutarsky.

Filed under: Big 10 Conference, Blog Buddies, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, no, paterno, pudding, shit! by Orson Swindle

[ 56 Replies ]

July 11, 2007

BLOGTOBERFEST: PILES OF PILES OF PILES EDITION

Blogtoberfest! Because suddenly, on July 11th, people are interested in college football.

Pete Carroll responded to Les Miles Schembechler-esque rant against the Big 12 and USC last week in typically beatific fashion, deflecting the criticism of USC by suggesting that it was not USC he skewered, but the blameless innocents they play:

He’s really taking a shot at all the other schools we play. Maybe the comments should come from the coaches at the other schools, including Charlie (Weis) at Notre Dame. He didn’t slam us. He slammed all the other schools we play, all those beautiful angel schools.

You didn’t hurt me. You hurt Charlie. I’ll just let you think about that, Les.

Pete Carroll did not use the phrase “beautiful angel schools,” but in a perfect world he would have.

Pyle of List wades into the scum-encrusted waters of the conference debate with a tale of falling into the hoary SEC/PAC-10 debate with a less-than-reputable conference representative in a bar: a Vanderbilt fan, presumably talking with a gin rickey in hand from atop his sedan chair whilst adjusting his fine top hat all the while.

The beloved and half-assed regional SEC and ACC broadcast partner Lincoln Financial Network, formerly Jefferson Pilot, continues its curious policy of only hiring people named Dave to broadcast the third-tier SEC games it carries. Dave Rowe is gone for mysterious reasons, replaced by former Atlanta Falcons qb and 790 AM personality Dave Archer, who will broadcast the games with Dave Baker and Dave Neal. In summary: LFSEC=(DAVE+DAVE+DAVE–DAVE+DAVE)

Sooners’ NCAA decision concerning the Rhett Bomar illegal benefits case comes out today following a 3:00 p.m. EST conference call between Paul Dee, Miami AD and Rules Committee Chair, and the NCAA. We’re bribing NCAA officials with sums of up to TENS OF DOLLARS to get any and all info we can as soon as it happens. This being Oklahoma and not San Jose State, we expect light slappage and no more.

Ragin’ Cajun deserves hat tips for sending us this story detailing the sprained cerebrum outbreak at Southern University, whose illegal supplement list must include lead-enriched protein shakes: seven players have been declared academically ineligible in the last seven months, which along with two life crisis cases who left the team means the roster’s lost nine players since the new year outside of the normal graduation attrition.

It took Kevin and us exactly three seconds to figure out what the best use of this was: a $1,300 Pudding Bowl for tailgates.

Awwwwwww yeahhhhhhhh: $1,300 worth of pudding.