Pepper: WHO’S THE MASTER RECRUITER NOW, CHARLIE?

Charlie: You said you were going after a tight end. That was misleading.

Pepper: SHE’S GROWN INTO A RUNNING BACK! AH AH AH!

Charlie: Okay. I’ve gotta get out to Oaks Christian see another of the Montana kids. Jesus, there’s like eight of them. Joe breeds like a brain-damaged rabbit with three dicks.

Pepper: AH AH AH! THAT’S THE SPIRIT, CHARLIE!

Woman: I’ve never slept with a dolphin before. Only a Saint. Ha! That’s a joke!

Pepper: TALKING IS UNATTRACTIVE, LIKE YOUR SISTER!

Woman: You’re mean! And right. Where are we going?

Pepper: TO MY HOTEL WHILE CHARLIE GOES TO RECRUIT. YOU BETTER PUT IN A BETTER PERFORMANCE FOR ME THAN YOU DID ON THAT VIDEO.

Weis: Game tape wasn’t too impressive, lady. We demand championship effort at Notre Dame.

Woman: Where?

Pepper: AH AH AH! LAID THERE LIKE A WILLINGHAM LINE RECRUIT! TOTAL LACK OF EFFORT.

Weis: Just unacceptable, ma’am. I gotta grab my car from the valet. Wait, is that—

Pepper: OH NO.

Woman: An Asian guy! With a taser!

A disco ball drops into the street suspended from cables. Music strikes up from unseen speakers. Norm Chow begins dance seductively toward Pepper.

MP3 File

Pepper: STALKING AUTOTUNE HACK!

Norm Chow: You can’t deny my love forever, Pepper.

Weis: Legendary offensive coordinator Norm Chow?

Pepper: CHARLIE RUN. YOU DON’T WANT TO HEAR THIS.

They run for a city block. Charlie Weis keeps up a shockingly good pace with his cane. They turn a corner, and…

Pepper: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Norm Chow awaits, rose in hand and shirt open to mid-sternum.

Norm: Girl, you’ve been on my mind, and I got something to tell you. 3..2..1..

Pepper: I HAVE RESTRAINING ORDERS, NORM.

Weis: So that’s why he’s never been a head coach.

Pepper: A FANTASY DOLPHIN STALKING FETISH WILL DO THAT TO YOUR CAREER, CHARLIE. RUN!

MP3 File

Woman: Oh god. This is grosser than the time I found out Reggie went to college.

Weis: Well, that depends on your definition of college, sweetie. They’re looking into that now.

Pepper: RUUUUUUUNNNN!!!

They flee.

This is so awesome. I get to sing this part. It’s the Richie Sambora part.

WAAAAAANTEEEEEEDDDD!!!!

Now we’ve got ‘em moving. Get the expectations up to a realistic level. Nobody on my ass about winning a national title. Yup, Charlie: nine games. That’s what they can get. No Beano Cook blowing up the place looking for a crystal football hidden somewhere up my ass. Man, Charlie. It was looking pretty dim there for a while. Pretty dim. You lost to Chan Gailey, man. But here you are, rocking out with Bon Jovi on stage and…

Oh God. No.

NOOOOOO—-

Pepper, The Notre Dame Comeback Dolphin: CHARLIE! UNDEFEATED!!! LET’S GOOOOOOOO UNDEFEAAAAAAATED!!!
A NATIONAL TITLE! WANTED! DEAD OR ALIIIIIIIIIIVE!!!

Bill Belichick: Charlie, you o.k.?

Charlie Weis: Just hallucinating again, Bill.

Bill Belichick: You really should start talking back to him, Charlie. I’ve gotten some of my best blitz packages from a talking monkey-dragon named Hlobar.

Charlie Weis: Oh yeah?

Bill Belichick: Yeah. Ask Kurt Warner if Hlobar’s for real. Been with me since Cleveland. Best thing that ever happened to me. Isn’t that right buddy?

Hlobar: REAARRRRRRGGGHHHHHKLLLBBBLLLAAADDDLLLLL!!!!! [/breathes fire, winks]

It almost gets poignant around the 1:30 mark, doesn’t it? Well, we said almost.

Hi. You know who I am. This thumb’s for you, Colt McCoy, because you’re a champion who takes my breath away and turns in slow motion away from onrushing defenders bent on crushing you. You took the highway to the danger zone but took the exit toward Victory Lane, and for that I’m buzzing your tower and oiling myself up for a one-on-one volleyball game. You’re invited.

No more playing with the boys, Colt: just you and me, a Colt and a Maverick out in the field doing what animals do. I’m bringing this thumb. Let’s role play: this time, you be Sam Bradford, and I’ll be Brian Orakpo and Sergio Kindle.

This is your open thread for the afternoon. We don’t judge you, whatever you’d like to do with or to Colt McCoy and the rest of the magnificent Texas Longhorns, who played the finest game of the year thus far against the Oklahoma Sooners. Boom. Motherfucker.

CC: Chicago Tribune, The Big Lead, Defamer

RE: Jimmy Clausen

We believe we have found photos far more incirminating than those that led to your justified investigation of the shameful behavior of Jimmy HUSEIN Clausen. Please forward this to all your friends and family. Let them judge for themselves if this is what you want representing our country at quarterback. All of them can be found with the google and are REAL.

CW: No, no…stop saying that! STOP SAYING THAT!!!

Weis bolts up in bed, sitting up and fully awake.

Mrs CW: You all right, honey?

CW: It’s horrible. Just horrible. He won’t stop talking. He just keep saying “Wake up the echoes!” and “Foam shillelaghs for everyone!” And he speaks in this voice…

Mrs. CW: You’re just working too hard, honey. It’s just a dream.

CW: …it sounds like he’s underwater. And he’s…British. I don’t get it.

Mrs. CW: Why don’t you go downstairs and have a glass of milk, honey. That’ll help.

CW: I’ll…I’ll do that. I’ll be back.

Charlie Weis pads down the stairs in his shorts. He opens the fridge; its white lights casts an unearthly pallor over the kitchen tiles.

CW: Milk, my ass…let’s see where I put that sandwich…

Pepper, the Notre Dame Comeback Dolphin: ‘Allo there, guv’nah!

MP3 File

CW: OH SWEET JESUS AAAAAAIIIIIGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!

Charlie drops his sandwich and runs into the bathroom. He slips on his Notre Dame sweatshorts and windbreaker top hurriedly, jumps in his car, and speeds to McDonald’s.

CW: Just some coffee…yeah, it’s late enough to start working…I’ll just get in a few hours…let my thoughts clear up…have I looked at Michigan’s tape lately? Anything new? I’m thinking about a few slants, then a draw, then sluggo to the weak side, then I’ll start out the second half running toss sweeps…yeah, that’s it Charlie….

McDonald’s employee: May I help you?

CW: Just a large coffee. That’s all I’m getting, thanks.

EMP: Would you like to try our new EggMcMuffin bites for just 99 cents?

CW: (sigh.)

Charlie drives around.

EMP: That’s one order of EggMcMuffin bites and a large coffee. That’ll be $2.79…COACH WEIS!!!

CW: Hey, how ya doin’? Good to see ya this morning….

MP3 File

CW: AAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!

Pepper: Charlie WAKE UP THE ECHOES it’s comeback time Charlie national championships lesssgo NBC is waitin’ guvnah Jimmy Clausen eight Heismans beat USC I have foam shillelaghs for everyone, Charlie! SHILLELAGHS FOR EVERYONE!!!

Emp: Coach, I…

Charlie peels out of the parking lot and drives at eighty-five miles an hour to the Notre Dame football offices.

CW: Okay….just some…yes. I just need some work. I’ll check out the voluntary workouts. Yes, that’s exactly what I’ll do. Ah, the practice field, where it all goes away. It’s just about football here. Just about football…

MP3 File

Assistants: Coach, you feelin’ all right?

Weis: I gotta talk to someone about this. Someone I can trust.

Weis walks across campus to the chapel and finds Father Thomas, who for some reason looks a lot like a Greek Orthodox priest, but isn’t actually, and let’s see you try to find a confessional photo on the fly with just the right angles for a proper piece of farkery, eh?

Weis: Father, I’m seeing things. I don’t know what’s happening, but I keep seeing a dolphin in a blue tuxedo with a green shirt and bowtie. He sounds like he’s talking underwater, and he won’t stop talking about our football season in unreasonable terms. He’s…he’s…

The priest looks shaken, but unsurprised.

Father Thomas: My son, I fear you are not alone in this. Others, before, have heard him too.

Weis: Then Father, what do I–

Father Thomas: Oh, Holtz still talks to him. I’d just–

MP3 File

Weis: NO! NO NO NO NO OH GOD NO!!!!

Pepper: Allo, Charlie!

Weis: NOOoooooooooooo…..

Weis runs at a slow, labored trot out of the church. Puzzled bystanders watch as Weis gets in the nearest administration golf cart.

ND Administrator: You’ll have to sign for that, Charlie!

Weis drives himself to the office of Dr. Oliver Fallon, respected local psychiatrist.

Weis: Doc, I don’t know if I’m even making sense anymore…

Dr. Fallon: Now, now. Let’s just get you to lie down here and we’ll see what is happening, Coach. Stress puts a strain on all of us, and we all react in very different, often surprising ways.

Weis: I just…I just…

Dr. Fallon: There, there. Just get comfortable. Now we’re going to do something I like to do with my patients to get them relaxed and ready to talk about their feelings and what’s going on Charlie.

Weis: Okay, okay. I’m…ready.

Dr. Fallon: Very good. Now look into the spinning disc. Now, just listen to the tone of my voice, Charlie. Just the tones, the relaxing, even tones. Feel your weight sink into the couch. It should feel like you’re sinking into the earth, like all the weight of the world is just falling away from you, like the stress and anxiety of the day is just washing away from you like the tide, Charlie. Now look at the disc and tell me what you see, Charlie?

Weis: I see…NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

MP3 File

Dr. Fallon hits the intercom. BEEP!

Nurse: Yes, Dr. Fallon?

Dr. Fallon: We’re gonna need the Willingham cocktail in here. A full dose and a half. STAT.

Nurse: With the Thorazine, sir?

Weis (screaming): The bowtie! WHY DOES HE HAVE A BOWTIE!!!

Dr. Fallon: Oh, yes. And be a dear and bring the taser just in case, will you?

Nurse: Of course, Dr. Fallon.