Los Angeles. Charlie Weis, Pepper the Notre Dame Comeback Dolphin, and a random woman Pepper picked up in a bar in LA.

Pepper: WHO’S THE MASTER RECRUITER NOW, CHARLIE?

Charlie: You said you were going after a tight end. That was misleading. (more…)

Man, this is so rocking. I can feel it. It’s all turning around now. We won the Hawaii Bowl. We got another recruiting class. I can wear real belts after a good spell of dieting. The sun’s shining Charlie. It’s shining like a big yellow jellybean on you. And now you’re on stage with Bon Jovi.

This is so awesome. I get to sing this part. It’s the Richie Sambora part.

WAAAAAANTEEEEEEDDDD!!!!

Now we’ve got ‘em moving. Get the expectations up to a realistic level. Nobody on my ass about winning a national title. Yup, Charlie: nine games. That’s what they can get. No Beano Cook blowing up the place looking for a crystal football hidden somewhere up my ass. Man, Charlie. It was looking pretty dim there for a while. Pretty dim. You lost to Chan Gailey, man. But here you are, rocking out with Bon Jovi on stage and…

Oh God. No.

NOOOOOO—-

Pepper, The Notre Dame Comeback Dolphin: CHARLIE! UNDEFEATED!!! LET’S GOOOOOOOO UNDEFEAAAAAAATED!!!
A NATIONAL TITLE! WANTED! DEAD OR ALIIIIIIIIIIVE!!!

Bill Belichick: Charlie, you o.k.?

Charlie Weis: Just hallucinating again, Bill.

Bill Belichick: You really should start talking back to him, Charlie. I’ve gotten some of my best blitz packages from a talking monkey-dragon named Hlobar.

Charlie Weis: Oh yeah?

Bill Belichick: Yeah. Ask Kurt Warner if Hlobar’s for real. Been with me since Cleveland. Best thing that ever happened to me. Isn’t that right buddy?

Hlobar: REAARRRRRRGGGHHHHHKLLLBBBLLLAAADDDLLLLL!!!!! [/breathes fire, winks]

LSUFreek wishes all of you a happy holidays, especially you, Notre Dame fans, who must console yourselves with the Hawaii Bowl and the sweet relief of junk…food.

It almost gets poignant around the 1:30 mark, doesn’t it? Well, we said almost.

Hi. You know who I am. This thumb’s for you, Colt McCoy, because you’re a champion who takes my breath away and turns in slow motion away from onrushing defenders bent on crushing you. You took the highway to the danger zone but took the exit toward Victory Lane, and for that I’m buzzing your tower and oiling myself up for a one-on-one volleyball game. You’re invited.

No more playing with the boys, Colt: just you and me, a Colt and a Maverick out in the field doing what animals do. I’m bringing this thumb. Let’s role play: this time, you be Sam Bradford, and I’ll be Brian Orakpo and Sergio Kindle.

This is your open thread for the afternoon. We don’t judge you, whatever you’d like to do with or to Colt McCoy and the rest of the magnificent Texas Longhorns, who played the finest game of the year thus far against the Oklahoma Sooners. Boom. Motherfucker.

TO: The administration at the University of Notre Dame.

CC: Chicago Tribune, The Big Lead, Defamer

RE: Jimmy Clausen

We believe we have found photos far more incirminating than those that led to your justified investigation of the shameful behavior of Jimmy HUSEIN Clausen. Please forward this to all your friends and family. Let them judge for themselves if this is what you want representing our country at quarterback. All of them can be found with the google and are REAL.

(more…)

Charlie Weis thrashes in his dreams on a hot night in South Bend, Indiana.

CW: No, no…stop saying that! STOP SAYING THAT!!!

Weis bolts up in bed, sitting up and fully awake.

Mrs CW: You all right, honey?

CW: It’s horrible. Just horrible. He won’t stop talking. He just keep saying “Wake up the echoes!” and “Foam shillelaghs for everyone!” And he speaks in this voice…

Mrs. CW: You’re just working too hard, honey. It’s just a dream.

CW: …it sounds like he’s underwater. And he’s…British. I don’t get it.

Mrs. CW: Why don’t you go downstairs and have a glass of milk, honey. That’ll help.

CW: I’ll…I’ll do that. I’ll be back.

Charlie Weis pads down the stairs in his shorts. He opens the fridge; its white lights casts an unearthly pallor over the kitchen tiles.

CW: Milk, my ass…let’s see where I put that sandwich…

Pepper, the Notre Dame Comeback Dolphin: ‘Allo there, guv’nah!

MP3 File

CW: OH SWEET JESUS AAAAAAIIIIIGGGGGHHHHH!!!!! (more…)