Hello, friend! I haven’t dropped you a line in a month ah Sundays! Howza the ah-spaghetti, paisano!

I just fuhst wanted to congratulate you on yah recent contract extension. If you spent money on the good thangs in lahfe–the plantations, the civil wah books, and the 18 part “The Real Vietnam”, you’d undahstand what to do with it instead ah givin’ it back to that leech of an employah you have. What have they evah done fah you, Joe, besides sign a coupla checks? You gotta considah your interests, you gotta considah your interests, that’s all i’m saying.

(Obscured and sloppy scribbling where Bowden fell asleep drooling on the page.)

Whe-yuh was ah? I say, I say, ah just wanted to finally shayuh the secret of my success with youuuu. Ah know as rivals we often play it close to the ve-yust, but ah think aftah yeahs of competition ah can shayuh the key to mah longevity.

In a single wuhd:

CIGARETTES.

Ah’ve been smokin’ um fuh yeahs, and theyuh invigoratin’ flavah and stimulating effect on the mahnd and body have kept me younger than mah peeers for decades now. That little hip problem you have? 16-24 of these a day, and you’ll outlahst me fa sho, son! Affordable, safe, and healthy. Ah wouldn’t lie to ya!

Gonna go on mah daily 28 mile run befo a bit ah recruitin’, Joe. May our Lord and Savyah Jesus Christ look oveh yah, even if you are a disciple of the Whore of Babylon, the Catholic Church. You’re half right, at least.

Three behind ya!

Bobby

P.S. The delicious and healthful cigahhrettes are available at any local gas station or convenience store.

P.P.S. Ah have enclosed a photo of myself from my most recent daguerrotype. I’m definitely ahead of you on the handsome side ah things, if ah do say so mahself!

One: what color is your season? In other words, please explain the metaphorical state of your program through the metaphor of color:

Hunting jacket orange, the unofficial color of Pennsyltucky and Penn State fans who either forget or refuse to wear blue and white. Orange like the sunset of Joe Paterno’s coaching career at Penn State, which by practically all accounts seems destined to end after the 2008 season. Orange like the brilliant dawn of both the post-AnthonyMorelli era at quarterback and offensive [sic] coordinator [sic] Jay Paterno’s “Spread HD” offense. “HD”, presumably, an abbreviation for “Hilariously Disasterous.”

The last time Joe Pa had horses on offense: either 1994, or in his immortal quadri-car race with Bobby Bowden.

Two: What historical nation and period do you resemble most right now?

Canada, whenever. Always present but only occasionally entertaining. Happily and drunkenly punching around the periphery of relevance, desperately in need of a rival to provide moments of passion.(We respectfully disagree, sirs. Yours, the Canadian Foreign Ministry-ed.) The Big Ten tried to provide that rivalry when it linked Michigan State and Penn State in a season-ending game which never rotates off the schedule. The conference even invented The Land Grant Trophy, which appears to have been constructed by an eighth-grade shop class at St. Delany’s School For The Blind, Dumb, And Tasteless. In theory, it was a nice enough idea as an attempt to (1) gently nudge Sparty away from its eternal little brother status with respect to Michigan and (2) instantly provide Penn State with some form of dependable matchup that could someday be meaningful. Hasn’t happened yet.

Three: You have important players. Discuss a few of them hastily.

Maurice Evans, defensive end: Penn State may be known as Linebacker U., but has also produced a rather stunning list of great collegiate defensive ends. Evans finished in the top 8 nationally in tackles for loss (21.5) and sacks (12.5), and he’ll be counted upon to provide pressure to help a secondary coping with the loss of cornerback Justin King.

Kevin Kelly, placekicker: What could be wrong with a guy who made 20-26 field goals and 44-45 extra points last season? Kelly has struggled throughout his career outside of 40 yards, making only two of eight attempts in 2007. He has the leg for the job, as his two makes from 40+ were both 50 yards long. Still, with a new quarterback, Penn State will have to make the most of its scoring
opportunities this season. Kelly will have to pull his weight when the offense bogs down between the 25 and 35 yard lines, or you’ll eventually see a lot of new quarterback Daryll Clark attempting to
scramble for short chunks of yards on 4th down conversions.

A.J. Wallace, cornerback: Wallace should be the full-time replacement for the aforementioned Justin King, and Penn State desperately needs him to live up to the hype of being the #8 cornerback coming out of high school (according to Scout). He’s been tremendous with the ball in his hands as Penn State’s kickoff returner and designated end-around carrier, but only started to flourish as a corner during the last few games of 2007. Penn State’s secondary looks to be the weakest part of its defense (even with LB Sean Lee’s ACL injury), and Wallace’s maturation into a lockdown corner is an absolute must if the Nittany Lions are to contend for anything other than the Outback or
Alamo Bowl.

Four: Name two games we might actually want to watch featuring your team.

October 11 at Wisconsin. Penn State has been utterly dreadful on the road for the past few seasons, especially against decent-or-better competition. If Ohio State is indeed the runaway favorite in the Big Televen this year, PSU @ Wisconsin should go a very long way in determining who could conceivably sneak into a BCS at-large slot.

October 18 vs. Michigan. Ah, yes. Michigan. You may have heard that Penn State hasn’t beaten Michigan since 1996, prompting catcalls of “We Own…Penn State!” from Wolverine fans everywhere.

Ed: The only victory Penn State has been able to celebrate over Michigan’s may be seen below.

Rich Rodriguez has to implement a new offense while replacing Chad Henne, Mike Hart, Jake Long, and Mario Manningham. So the question for Penn State is, “if not now, when?” Unfortunately, Joe Paterno gets even more conservative when he see the winged helmets — envision a combination
of Woody Hayes and Pat Buchanan. If this is really Paterno’s last shot at Michigan, here’s hoping he releases his inner, rabid brain-devouring, referee-chasing zombie for the occasion, and not the
inner zombie that politely nibbles around the clavicle.

Four-A: Save us all some time and mention the game we’re better off NOT watching.

October 25 at Ohio State. But! But! This is a sorta-rivalry game between two high profile programs in neighboring states! Why shouldn’t you watch it? Allow me to present the results of every PSU-OSU game in Columbus since Penn State joined the conference in 1993:

9/23/2006 @ *Ohio State (12-1) L 6 – 28
10/30/2004 @ *Ohio State (8-4) L 10 – 21
10/26/2002 @ *Ohio State (14-0) L 7 – 13
9/23/2000 @ *Ohio State (8-4) L 6 – 45
10/3/1998 @ *Ohio State (11-1) L 9 – 28
10/5/1996 @ *Ohio State (11-1) L 7 – 38
10/30/1993 @ *Ohio State (10-1-1) L 6 – 24

Yes, that would be 7.28 points per game. Probably won’t get the job done this season, either.

Five: Every hero forgets something in their toolbelt. What does your team lack?

Offensive cohesion. We have three wide receivers who will finish very high on the list of all-time receptions at Penn State, but two new quarterbacks vying for the starting position. Five returning starters on the offensive line, but two inexperienced running backs. If you subscribe to the Anybody But Morelli theory of quarterbacking, both of these problems could conceivably iron themselves out if opposing defenses are forced to respect the Penn State passing game. Stop laughing, pretty please.

Six: Describe your team with a Jimmy Buffett song. No, we’re serious–do it.

Buffet and Pennsylvania don’t exactly go together like Smith and Wesson, but perhaps the most appropriate way to say farewell to the Paterno era is, “If The Phone Doesn’t Ring It’s Me”:

I’ve had good days and bad days
And going half mad days
I try to let go but you’re still on my mind
I’ve lost all the old ways
I’m searching for new plays
Putting it all on the line

Even when Paterno leaves, he’ll still be on our mind as we’re searching for new plays. Specific to this season, there will certainly be good days, bad days, and going half mad days — the types of days that are always associated with teams staring at that 8-4 or 9-3 range. Will the Lions put it all on the line against Michigan and Ohio State? History and an unbearably brutal October schedule says that Penn State will remain on the second tier of the conference for another season.

Seven: We’re master wagerers. Give us a bet to place for up to ten dollars about your team.

The last time Penn State covered the spread in Columbus was never. At least since the Nitty Kitties joined the conference in 1993. Might want to keep that in mind when Ohio State is favored by aboot two touchdowns in October, Eh?

If you’d like to read more about Penn State football, we suggest you take every preview written about them for the past eight years, plug in new names, and then digest accordingly. However, if you’d like to know even more, you should visit Run Up the Score. If you’d like to contribute your own Visiting Lecturer post, please contact us at harumphharumph of the gmail email variety address.

Remember the good times? There’s nothing keeping you away except you and your dignity.

FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS
NEVADA at NEW MEXICO STATE (8:00 ET • ESPN2)
It’s a WAC game of no consequence whatsoever, even by WAC standards – both teams are eliminated from the conference title picture – so why not have one of those 59-57 barrages? It should be a law, really: the number of punts in any televised WAC game shall be no greater than the combined number of I-A wins between both teams. In this case, that’s five. Watch For: Admit it: you miss Hal Mumme, don’t you? It’s okay: it’s Friday night, it’s in New Mexico, it’s ESPN2…he won’t tell anyone.

SATURDAY – EARLY AFTERNOON: THERE IS A BODY. DUMP IT IN THE RIVER BEFORE…

Main Course: PURDUE at PENN STATE (Noon ET • ESPN)
It’s a virtual lock the winner here will be in one of the Florida bowls on New Year’s Day, which says nothing, really, except that there will be some really sketchy quarterbacking on display in January. Do not be fooled by Purdue’s “high-powered” offense, which has tended to find the deepest hole it can find against competent defense for the last three years or so – the Boilers were averaging 30 points before they were shut out by the Lions in West Lafayette last year. Watch For: Flashing back to his duty in the final days of World War II (this is true), JoPa mistakes the “bombs” Curtis Painter is spraying around the Penn State secondary for that agonizing night in the leaning shells of old farmhouses outside Bondeno in ‘45. Massacre ensues.

On the Other Channel…
IOWA at NORTHWESTERN (Noon ET • ESPN2)
One of these teams currently has a winning record. Can you guess which one? I didn’t think so. Watch For: Iowa quarterback Jake Christensen, coming one of the truly, stunningly horrible performances in the history of winning football after last week’s double overtime win over Michigan State. Christensen completed three passes in regulation for 24 yards, but didn’t throw an interception, which is like the quarterbacking version of playing dead. It’s all about adapting and surviving, man, adapting and surviving.

It’s just a highly evolved defense mechanism – Christensen doesn’t really throw.

NEBRASKA at KANSAS (12:30 ET • FSN)
The Callahan Death Watch limps into its final excruciating month in need of a good mercy killing: at 4-5 with three games to play, Nebraska is technically alive for a bowl game, even with a defense that just gave up 319 yards rushing at the Beaver Crossing First Presbyterian bake sale and a first time starter at quarterback. At some point, backups can only provide a spark – you know, the team can hardly play worse under Joe Ganz – but he’ll be a minor here if the ex-Blackshirts are competent enough to cover the 20-point spread. Watch For: Last week, it was the velour track suit. This week, Mangino goes for the lucky lederhosen.

Provincialism: N.C. State at Miami (Noon ET, ESPNU) . . . Wake Forest at Virginia (Noon ET, Lincoln Financial) . . . Ball State at Indiana (Noon ET, Big Ten Network) . . . Wisconsin at Ohio State (Noon ET, Big Ten Network) . . . Kansas State at Iowa State (12:30, Versus).

(A brief word to the Big Ten Network: I understand your contractual obligations to get teams onto BTN a certain number of times, but fuck you for picking up Wisconsin-Ohio State and sticking the rest of the country with Iowa-Northwestern. This is quite the boon a wounded conference was looking for, I’m sure, hiding a mythical championship contender in one of its three marquee games of the season on a regional network while trotting out the play-in game for the Music City Bowl for everyone not living next to a Great Lake. Or is it better voters not actually see Ohio State in its only pre-Michigan game worth watching? Go to hell. And if you don’t live in the Big Ten zone and you’re getting Wiscy-OSU by some means other than basic cable, you go to hell, too. We don’t want to hear about your fucking packages.

Oh, and it’s Northwestern: the Wildcats are 5-4. Iowa’s double overtime win over Michigan State last week left the Hawkeyes sitting at 4-5).

LATE AFTERNOON: VIVA HATE!

Main Course: LSU at ALABAMA (5:00 ET • CBS)
Bizarre start time for the Eye, about an hour and a half later than usual, all the better for the fan base that mobbed its new coach’s private plane and showed up 90,000 strong for the Spring game to get in that extra flask before filing in to its seats violently storming the gates to sate the entitled bloodlust that’s possessed the blackest corners of its soul since last December. This game could mean more, if both teams were undefeated or something – in SEC play, anyway, both are only an overtime loss away from 5-0, and a wild last minute drive from being 3-2 – but between coonasses, fucking rivals and the division title, there is epic theater in the works. Watch For: Well, damn, even Nick Saban has time for this shit. There are wilder environments than Bryant-Denny, but with an infusion of revenge and bourbon-filled Louisianans, under the circumstances, it should be transformed into the unpadded batshit madhouse of the season.

On the Other Channel…
Your Mouse-Eared ESPN on ABC Overlords Present…Regionalism!
CINCINNATI at SOUTH FLORIDA or MICHIGAN at MICHIGAN STATE or TEXAS at OKLAHOMA STATE or UCLA at ARIZONA (3:30 ET • ABC/ESPN)

One way or another, most of the country will be seeing Michigan-Michigan State, which is good and right: a legitimate, hate-filled rivalry between decent teams, neither of which is UCLA nor Arizona. The programmers guessing at the beginning of the year that Bruins-Wildcats would be a better draw for this slot than Devils-Ducks should be summarily sacked – Arizona? – not that anyone off the West Coast would be able to see the latter under these conditions, anyway. It probably worked out for the better, actually. Great job, guys!
Watch For: One of your last chances to see Chad Henne and Mike Hart as Wolverines. Truly, through the decades, they have been the voice of an entire generation.

NAVY at NOTRE DAME (2:30 ET • NBC)
Whatever the losing streak is now, 40 games, 45 games, this is it for Notre Dame. The last possible shred of respect it can salvage is to win the frosted dessert course of its schedule (in November, the Irish get Navy, Air Force, Duke and Stanford) beginning with the Middies, if for no other reason than to say “At least we didn’t lose to Navy” and avoid another billboard advertising this team’s historic futility. Watch For: Unparalelled potential for schadenfreude, and because you love the triple option, don’t you, seaman?!

Provincialism: Colorado State at BYU (Noon MT, mtn.) . . . East Carolina at Memphis (2:00 ET, WITN, WLMT) . . . San Jose State at Boise State (1:00 MT, KTVB 7) . . . Buffalo at Miami, Ohio (3:00 ET, Ohio News Now) . . . Army at Air Force (1:30 MT, CSTV) . . . Marshall at Central Florida (3:30 ET, CSS Southeast) . . . Maryland at North Carolina (3:45 ET, ESPNU).

THE WILD CARD
ARIZONA STATE at OREGON (6:45 ET • ESPN)
Even the most cynical hats must be doffed to the Leader for saving the game of the day from regional oblivion, even if kickoff here is inconvenient for anyone more interested in LSU-Bama. The second half of this one ought to get much better ratings than the first. Watch For: If it’s not enough of a draw to watch two high-scoring, top five teams hook up with the highest conference and national implications and coaches who are liable to stagger in as sloshed on the Nike dime as the Sig Eps in the stands, at least give a fair shake to Dennis Dixon, the most overlooked candidate for certain unnamed statuettes. Oregon has to remain a national contender for his campaign to gain any traction, and vice versa.

HERE COMES THE NIGHT

Main Course: Your Mouse-Eared ESPN on ABC Overlords Present…More Regionalism!
FLORIDA STATE at BOSTON COLLEGE or TEXAS A&M at OKLAHOMA or OREGON STATE at SOUTHERN CAL (8:00 ET • ABC)

Almost two-thirds of households nationally will see Matt “Roller Coaster” Ryan try to keep his lunch down against Florida State, while viewers attempt to keep their own lunch down watching the ‘Noles’ pathetic attempts to execute anything on offense. Even FSU’s lone interesting player, Xavier Lee, has succumbed to a sprained cerebrum, leaving vanilla Drew Weatherford to fail in far less spectacular fashion. Just for the record: does anybody else get the sneaking sense that, if their teams and coaches were reversed, Drew Weatherford and Matt Ryan are pretty much the same quarterback? Watch For: Independently, DeMarco Murray and Dennis Franchione’s tortured attempts at stoicism in defeat are worth the price of admission on their own. So a certain segment of the country is getting a sweet two-for-one. It’s like Christmas.

On the Other Channel…
MISSOURI at COLORADO (6:40 ET • FSN)
There’s no figuring Colorado out: the Buffs lose at home in the middle of the night to Florida State, then take out Oklahoma on the same field, then get routed in back-to-back games by Kansas and Kansas State, and, reeling in the wake of Sunflower State smackdowns, salvaged the season by whipping Texas Tech last week in Lubbock. Division I football, brother: completely schizophrenic. Watch For: Chase Daniel, who, no, you have not observed closely enough. Everyone has Mizzou figured, but nobody’s doing much about it.

Chase Daniel doesn’t adjust to the altitude. The altitude adjusts to Chase Daniel.

SOUTH CAROLINA at ARKANSAS (8:00 • ESPN2)
It feels like both teams are reeling, but, where South Carolina’s lost two in a row, Arkansas has actually won four of its last five. The problem: those four were North Texas, UT-Chattanooga, Ole Miss and Florida International. Against actual SEC opponents, the Hogs have fallen flatter’n Houston Nutt’s denials re: Donna Bragg. Watch For: Any chance to watch Darren McFadden knife through hordes of tacklers is a precious one, and by all reasonable guesses, this will be one of the last you’ll get on a Saturday.

WASHINGTON STATE at CALIFORNIA (10:00 ET • FSN)
Random Pac Ten game! Random Pac Ten game! Less than a month ago, Cal was ranked third in the country and thinking national championship. Now the Bears are trying to hold on against streaking Wazzu (one in a row, baby!) to avoid a tie for ninth place in the conference. Watch For: The sheer, drunken, bleary-eyed pleasure that comes from falling asleep for whole quarters, then waking up just in time to catch a bizarro finish and trying in vain to remember just which team you bet on, again, before passing out for good. It’s the little things that make it all worthwhile.

Provincialism: New Mexico at TCU (4:30 CT, mtn.) . . . Washington at Stanford (3:30 PT, FSN Bay Area) . . . Southern Miss at UAB (6:00 CT, CSS Southeast) . . . Eastern Michigan at Toledo (7:00 ET, Buckeye Cable Network) . . . Rutgers at Connecticut (7:15, ESPNU) . . . Tulsa at Tulane (6:30 CT, CSTV) . . . Illinois at Minnesota (7:00 CT, Big Ten Network) . . . Wyoming at San Diego State (6:00 PT, mtn.).

Don’t forget to set your clock backs at the end of Cal-WSU, and enjoy that little time warp while you can.

In the Big Ten, the shit will hit the fan on Saturday night as a classic nexus of Big Ten football, Brent Musburger, and wholesome, sausage-downing fandom meet in Happy Valley as Penn State hosts the undefeated Ohio State Buckeyes.

And if you do plan on attending the game, please note that big games at Penn State tend to have a laxative effect on fans, and that you may be hard up for a place to deposit the angry, glowing bolus of processed sausage and potato salad you’re carrying around in your bowels like five pounds of spare change.

“The number of comfort stations being provided currently is woefully inadequate from a health and safety standpoint,” Brumbaugh’s letter says. “The handful of comfort stations in the parking lots are, quite literally, full and overflowing with human waste creating untold potential health and safety problems for PSU football patrons and, ultimately, the general public.”

(We blame heavy, hearty Midwestern fare for the problem–it’s painful enough when your intestines grab the wheel, but the mandate becomes even more urgent when you’ve got a solid two pounds of brats, potatoes, and casserole blowing through the tollbooth without paying. Barbecue and chips at least stops you up until a bitter, teary fight-crap the following morning.)

The myth of overflowing styrofoam coolers at Ohio State tailgates remains that: a myth. (Albeit, one we heartily support, since it is funny, and should therefore be true. It’s rollin’!) This, however, is a documented public health and sanitation crisis, with 100,000 tailgaters relying on a paltry 339 portable toilets for relief. The recommended number for a crowd of this size is 957, meaning that refugee camps in Chad could, theoretically, have better shit logistics than Penn State on gameday.

And big games really do seem to intensify the problem: while the average gameday sees 7,000 gallons of blue-brownish cloacal goo pumped from the premises, this year’s Notre Dame game saw 18,000 gallons of shit punch taken off site. (We’ll beat you to it. Charlie Weis was not the sole reason for the jump, and don’t even try to suggest it.) We can only imagine that the combination of college football’s two fecal superpowers–one mythic, one documented–could result in a turdocaust of rogue wave proportions.

HT: Senator Blutarsky.

Southerns think the world revolves around SEC football every day of the week, and for once, they’re right. Saturday serves up three must-see SEC games that easily dominate their respective time slots: Tennessee-Alabama early, Florida-Kentucky in the afternoon, Auburn-LSU into the night. This is, literally, your long-awaited chance to spend twelve consecutive hours with half of the Southeastern Conference. Just remember: even if you make it through this most gruelling tour of the league, you’ll still be a full two teams behind Jenn Sterger’s half-day record.

Six teams from the same conference in one day? I signed up for a challenge!

TGIF, UNLESS YOU HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO THAN WATCH…

LOUISVILLE at UCONN (8:00 • ESPN)
After losing 17-16 to Virginia last week, the Huskies are one point from a winning record. Louisville is only about sixblown assignments in the secondary away from 6-1. Watch For: Brian Brohm – for all the defensive woes, with his back against the wall at every turn all season, is still the best passer in the country.

SATURDAY – EARLY AFTERNOON: THERE IS A NEW RADIOHEAD ALBUM. FOR FUCKING FREE. DOWNLOAD THAT SHIT BEFORE…

Main Course (SEC Only): TENNESSEE at ALABAMA (12:30 • Lincoln Financial)
CBS apologizes, nation, but golf or kids’ shows or local infomercials or whatever it’s showing at noon Saturday (whatever it is, you won’t find it on the network’s primetime only schedule) is worth more to it than shuttling a pair of announcers down to Tuscaloosa for one of the best secondary rivalries in the SEC (that is, between teams with other primary rivalries, not between their respective defensive backfields. Not that that a slap fight between Simeon Castille and Jonathan Hefney wouldn’t be more interesting than Mr. Popiel or the ubiquitous Orange Clean guy). The immortal Daves get to flub their way through a non-snoozer for a change, their homespun, aggressively lo-def incompetence again enthralling a region; for the rest of the country, the joys of the SEC – that is, endless redneck jokes depressingly reinforced by crowd shots – are reserved for Gameplan subscribers only. Watch For: Spills! Chills! Impending medical bills! From the man who brought you Gainesville ‘05, Baton Rouge ‘05 and Gainesville ‘07: The Reckoning, it’s Erik Ainge on the road!

On the Other Channel…
PENN STATE at INDIANA (Noon • ESPN)
Indiana’s only national appearance will bring out the weepy angles for fallen coach Terry Hoeppner, only amped up by the 5-2 Hoosiers’ emotional quest for a bowl game and the sobering contrast of Zombie Joe across the way, who will never die. Watch For: Indiana quarterback Kellen Lewis, a lankier, more accurate version of Juice Williams: he leads the Hoosiers in rushing while also sporting a 30:13 career TD:INT ratio, even if defenses of Penn State’s caliber have tended to leave him curled up in a defensive ball.

Kellen Lewis: vows to defend precious young brains of Indiana students against rampaging JoPa at all costs.

IOWA at PURDUE (Noon • ESPN2)
Two weeks ago, these two teams’ stocks were rocketing in opposite directions, with the Hawkeyes getting waxed at home by Indiana and Purdue enduring the second half onslaught of Notre Dame’s lone competent offensive outburst of the season. I think that sentence speaks for itself. Watch For: Defenders in the trail position for three straight hours. Iowa looked terrific against Illinois’ option game, which presented little downfield passing threat and failed in the fine zook tradition to line up properly on the one instance it connected on the long ball, but Curtis Painter and Co. offer no such luxuries. On the other side, Purdue’s defense is Purdue’s defense. Also: Pam Ward, natch.

(Aside on Ward. I just want to note that this article from the Washington Post in March praises her dutiful trailblazing in the booth, then includes this line:

One of Ward’s biggest fans is Mike Patrick…

This explains so, so much.)

OKLAHOMA at IOWA STATE (12:30 • FSN)
OU transitions from Texas and Missouri to…Iowa State, which provided fodder for Texas’ second half comeback narrative in a 56-3 smashing in Ames last week. Only five more years to go until ISU celebrates a solid century since its last conference championship, a tie for the 1912 Missouri Valley title. As a grandson of a now-deceased alum who wasn’t even born then, I’ve already RSVP’d: washing my hair that night… Watch For: The best team in the Big 12 against the worst. What could be more exciting?

Provincialism:Texas at Baylor (12:30, Versus), Army at Georgia Tech (Noon, Lincoln Financial), North Dakota State at Minnesota (Noon, Big Ten Network), Northern Illinois at Wisconsin (Noon, Big Ten Network), Central Michigan at Clemson (Noon, ESPNU), Miami, Ohio at Temple (Noon, ESPN Regional/Sports NewYork), Cincinnati at Pittsburgh (Noon, Altitude Sports and Entertainment), Wake Forest at Navy (1:00, CSTV), Grambling at Jackson State (1:00, ESPN Classic)

LATE AFTERNOON – BUSHY. WET. NOT AS FUN AS IT SOUNDS.

Main Course: FLORIDA at KENTUCKY (3:30 • CBS)
Kentucky shouldn’t have to prove anything at this point, really, and even though it probably does for the stubborn minds who still think “Scoreboard: TILT” when they see the Wildcats, this is the worst time for it to do the provin’. Auburn, Florida and LSU can all attest this season: you don’t want a tough game in this league the week after playing in a tight, physical battle of wills. Especially when, like the Wildcats last week and UF Saturday, the opponent’s had extra days to rest/prepare. Watch For: Tebow vs. Woodson: thoroughbreds in the Bluegrass State. Get it? Seriously, Tebow took Show behind Street Sense in May. He would have won, but he was late out of the gates for anointing a wayward mare with oil after he converted her and delivered her healthy filly after a torturous labor. Little Off Tackle Left is gonna be a champion some day…

On the Other Channel…
MIAMI at FLORIDA STATE / MICHIGAN STATE at OHIO STATE / CALIFORNIA at UCLA / TEXAS TECH at MISSOURI (3:30 • ABC/ESPN2)
ABC’s regional option will send most of the country to Michigan State at Ohio State:

Gaze upon your fate.

…and thus will also bear witness to the flashing neon upset bid of the day, brought to you by Allstate and AFLAC, who remind viewers to ignore the other one. Watch For: Javon Ringer, DeSean Jackson, everything about Texas Tech (especially the outrageous line splits) and…and…for the first time in my life, I can’t think of a reason to watch FSU and Miami. The East Coast always gets screwed with the ACC matchup.

SOUTHERN CAL at NOTRE DAME (3:30 • NBC)
By all rights, USC should win this game by at least nine touchdowns on its worst day, in the rainiest, most unkempt field conditions, with any of its blue chip golden children playing quarterback. The fact that I don’t have any confidence in the Trojans to win this by more than, say, 17 points is an indictment to just how lackluster they’ve been. Watch For: Grass so tall, bushy and wet, USC’s entire team will wonder how Paris Hilton ever managed to get inside a Catholic facility. Also: I’m so legitimately down on SC, it feels like it’s time for one of those “Magical Afternoons” every bad team gets against a good one. That’s not a “winning afternoon,” mind you, but it is probably an interesting one. For a while, anyway.

Provincialism: Wyoming at Air Force (2:00, Mtn), Mississippi State at West Virginia (3:30, Sports New York/ESPN Regional), Georgia Southern at Appalachian State (4:00, Mid-Atlantic Sports Network), Buffalo at Syracuse (3:30, ESPNU), NC State at East Carolina (4:30, CSTV), Stephen F. Austin at Texas State (4:30, FSN Southwest)

The Wild Card. KANSAS at COLORADO (5:45 • ESPN)
South Florida’s demise from the realm of the unbeaten leaves Kansas as the only true ‘Cinderella’ in the field, but that’s only because five of its six wins have come courtesy of Central Michigan, Southeast Louisian, Toledo, Florida International and Baylor. Colorado beat Oklahoma. This is DIVISION I FOOTBALL, BROTHER! We don’t play Baylor! Actually, Colorado does play Baylor – CU won last week in Waco, 43-23 – but you know what I’m saying: when it comes to Kansas, Mark Mangino is fat. Watch For: The off chance, however infinitismal, that Dan Hawkins challenges Mangino to join him on or in training for his half marathon, or better yet, to race around Folsom Field in lieu of overtime. If soccer can scrap its entire game to launch penalty kicks to decide a winner, college football can send morbidly obese coaches on wind sprints. Makes as much sense as putting the ball on the fucking twenty-five.

HERE COMES THE NIGHT – NO REST FOR THE WEARY.

Miles lunges for the patented “grip ‘n gnaw.” He likes ear.

Main Course: AUBURN at LSU (9:00 • ESPN)
Just like Kentucky, LSU has to be completely spent coming in here, off two straight emotional, draining finishes in consecutive weeks, and just four weeks removed from playing South Carolina in another “Game of the Week” atmosphere – this is the fourth time in five weeks the national spotlight is on Les Miles’ Tigers. Tommy Tuberville has a fantastic record against teams ranked this high, but since winning big in Baton Rouge in 1999 against Gerry DiNardo’s last team, he was 0-2 in Tiger Stadium against Nick Saban’s teams and lost to Les Miles’ first squad in overtime in 2005. Only the latter required a team gynecologist to accompany the quarterback on the trip. Watch For: It’s Auburn-LSU, legislatively mandated in both states to end – with all due controversy, where applicable, pursuant to Amendment 7-3-e, aka the “Hodson Clause” – via the most over-the-top melodrama possible. This is usually one of the five or six best games of the season: the last three have been decided by a combined eight points.

Calling this game: Mike Patrick, who’s a big fan of Pam Ward. And Britney Spears, but mainly Pam Ward.

On the Other Channel…
MICHIGAN at ILLINOIS (8:00 • ABC)
Michigan thinks it’s back after thwacking Purdue in the Wolverines’ venerable Purdue-thwacking tradition, but we don’t really know until we see the allegedly rehabbed M defense get back in the water against the athletic, spread option scheme that’s plagued it for years and drove this season to the brink of oblivion in the first two weeks. And I don’t mean just sticking a couple toes in – that’s what Northwestern and Eastern Michigan were for. Juice Williams and Rashard Mendenhall are real. It’s time to break out the cannonball on that shit. Watch For: It’s one of your last chances to see super hobbit Mike Hart as a collegiate. Appreciate his unstoppable piston leg drive while you still can.

VIRGINIA at MARYLAND (8:00 • ESPN2)
Did you know these two teams are a combined 10-3 with wins over Rutgers and otherwise unbeaten UConn? And they’re 4-1 in the ACC after each hung on to beat Georgia Tech in the game’s dying seconds? And the offenses are ranked 108th and 90th in total yards? You didn’t? Would you like to trade lives? I saw it in a Judge Reinhold movie. Watch For: Both teams appear to be committed to a low-risk, ground-based, defense-and-field position sort of offenses, so, you know, there’s always a chance of cutaways to the cheerleaders.

Provincialism: San Jose State at Fresno State (2:00 PT, Cox Sports Northwest), Eastern Washington at BYU (3:30 MT, Mtn.), Stanford at Arizona (5:00 MT, FSN Arizona), Northern Iowa at Western Illinois (6:30 CT, FSN Midwest), Oregon at Washington (4:00 PT, FSN Northwest), Tulane at SMU(7:00 CT, FSN Southwest), New Mexico at San Diego State (5:30 PT, CSTV)

Say it ain’t so, Joe!

Joseph Paterno, of 1245 Palm Bay Rd., was charged with trafficking cocaine after Palm Bay police spotted something being tossed out of the passenger-side window of a car he was traveling in on Monday, reports show. Paterno is being held on a $50,000 bond at the Brevard County Jail in Sharpes, reports show.

First of all, JoePa’s been living a lie. He’s actually 23, thus disproving the zombie theory of his longevity and entering a new variable into the equation: the heartbreak of progeria. This means that there might have been several coaches named Joe Paterno, each cloned from the same proto-Joe who died from the disease somewhere around the year 1949…just as the original Joe was getting his first job coaching. (Manhattan Project connection? Hitler’s brain? They’re all involved, too, but we don’t have time for that here.)

Second, Joe’s facing a mandatory minimum of three years if found guilty, meaning Penn State must find a new coach as in like, now.

Wow. We’re just soaking it all in. This is…what. Joseph Paterno?

Some 23 year-old who’s not… So it’s not…and he’s not the coach of…

FAAAAAAAHCK! We mean: oopsie! Thank God we haven’t posted this yet. Whew! Would that be embarrassing! HA-ha. Wearing the shiny slacks of failure, now that’s what that would be!

(HT: Mike and Run Up The Score.)

The punishment for the players has shriveled like an exposed phallus on the tundra, as well. PREPARE TO BE TEMPORARILY KILLED BY DEATH, UNDERLINGS!!!

Two Penn State football players ordered to stand trial for their roles in an off-campus fight were expelled from school for part of the summer but will be allowed to take part in preseason practice.

Hit me again, Ike, and this time put some stank on it! No school, but you can still come to practice–that’s the punishment from Joe Paterno, who must be fully sailing into the calm waters of the Gulf of Aingivafuck in his 38992th year of life. He’s mellowed quite a bit, as the horsewhipped citizens of Bukhara, Transoxiana would testify, since Paterno was a particularly brutal mayor there in the 6th century.

In response, Urban Meyer described the punishment as “appropriate, but a bit harsh.” We suppose in both places now, the “This is Sparta” rules apply.

This…is…Sparta!!! Note the sign, and don’t worry about punishment.

P.S. We know that’s supposed to be a guy kicking someone there, but it still looks like one guy knocking another guy into a pit with the kind of cartoon penis you’d draw in fifth grade. (HT: Kenny.)

Copy editor not optimisitc about chances of keeping current job.

The game, according to Paterno, has little chance of fitting into the economics of a 12 game season, meaning they don’t want to lose guaranteed home games and the attendant wash of ticket money that comes with cupcake beatdowns in front of applauding, bloodthirsty crowds. Pitt and Penn State have played 96 times in total, but not once since 2000.

College football: the only sport where more games means less actual competition!

The student section recognized by ESPN’s College Gameday as the best in college football has turned heads again with a sellout of more than 21,000 season tickets today in a remarkable 59 minutes.

The unprecedented sale took place in record time, according to Bud Meredith, Director of Ticket Operations. The previous record was 13 days last year, using a combination of online sales and applications that were mailed to the ticket office.

This is news, but not for the obvious reason of Penn State student football tickets selling out in record time. It’s news because the in-house operations of ticket offices for college football teams are now being farmed out to Ticketmaster, a company with the popularity of herpes and a business model stolen directly from the third world kid who digs a hole in the road, gets an AK-47, and then asks you for “a donation” to show you the way around it.

We have assigned a pair of guards to protect the captured cocaine. It is perfectly safe in their hands.

Tickets always sell out rapidly with Ticketmaster, because they can handle zillions of calls and process transactions with rapid ease. They should be able to–the average markup on a Ticketmaster “property” can range anywhere from 35 to 50 percent of the face value of the ticket. This extortionate rate pays for the convenience of buying your tickets with Ticketmaster, a convenience we’ve usually associated with dialtones, huffy operators, and an inability to get the tickets we wanted to buy.

Why Penn State decided to Stefan Postma-tize their students with this, we’ll never know. It probably had to do with the tasty prospect of outsourcing ticket business completely and cutting the hassle of a “customer” that will clamor for the tickets no matter the price–the students. And for that privilege Penn State students paid $190 bucks this year, up fifty bucks from last season.

Iowa State has their students, too, signed up for a solid pegging, so grab some lube, Cyclones. You’re about to lose fifty dollars the hard way.

Lawlor told officers that he had four or five beers and he had sipped some Crown Royal and Coke earlier in the evening, according to the records.

Lawlor was taken to Mount Nittany Medical Center where a blood-alcohol test was performed. His blood-alcohol concentration was 0.126. The legal limit in Pennsylvania is 0.080.

Penn State gets their Lohan on.

At least he was “sipping” it, which is classy, as opposed to “Lawlor admitted guzzling whole buckets of moonshine earlier in the evening, after which he moved on to whatever industrial solvents were in the garage.” Lawlor has tucked tail, legally speaking, waiving all hearings and going straight to the let’s-get this-over-with-I’m-totally-guilty stage, for which he also deserves some credit.

(BTW, we should totally get breathalyzers and test them one night on EDSBS Live! After the Finebaum show, we were probably at a solid 0.15, because we couldn’t even follow the plot of “The Deadliest Catch” afterwards, and it’s always the same: crab, men, water, repeat.)

Two FC points for Penn State, who are slowly sippin’ away at Illinois’ lead in the Fulmer Cup.

Serious adjustments in Fulmer Cup points to follow. Oh, and ass, too. Pictures of ass are coming, people.

King: points-free, as of today.

The charges in the long-awaited Penn State burglary/break-in/beatdown have come in, and they do not disappoint. The provisional score is simply indescribably large. If it were a tank battle of yore, it would be the battle of Kursk; if it were an ass, it would be the lab-created hybrid of Ki-Toy Johnson’s and Jessica Biel’s; if it were a food, it would be foie gras on toast points with a choice, dusty bottle of Bollinger.

The scores, so complex we had to crack out the rules just to make sure:

Anthony Scirrotto: felony burglary (3 points), felony criminal trespassing (3 points), two counts of criminal solicitation, simple assault (2 points) and harassment. (All misdemeanor charges, we think, totalling four points.)

Scirrotto’s total: eleven points

Chris Baker: felony burglary (3 points), felony criminal trespassing (3 points), simple assault (2 points), criminal mischief, disorderly conduct and harassment. (All misdemeanor, four points in all)

Baker’s total: eleven points.

Justin King, Jerome Hayes, Lydell Sargeant and Tyrell Sales: all charged with criminal trespassing, disorderly conduct and harassment. Misdemeanor total=12 points.

Felony trespassing gets three for being a felony charge, since pretty much any serious felony garners three points.

Holy hell: just back up and look at all that majesty. A single incident earns Penn State thirty-four points, the clear leader in the race for the Fulmer Cup. A score this big will no doubt fluctuate over time, but for the moment, Penn State is Lance Armstrong going up the Alpe d’Huez, and the rest of the field is Jan Ullrich desperately reaching for a vial of epo trying to catch up.

CORRECTION!!! As pointed out by several readers including Prof-fan, we undercounted by missing the felony bit on the four charged with trespassing. NEW TOTAL: 42 POINTS.

It’s…it’s an all-time high. We’re so overwhelmed that only Rita Coolidge can properly express our emotional state right now.

Northwestern gets in on the Big 10 Fulmer Cup rush with a piddling DUI charge for center Trevor Rees, pulled over for weaving and swervin’ in Wilmette like a playa should.

Haters. Next time, Trevor, don’t let them take you alive. (HT: Prof-fan.)

The tease of all Fulmer Cup teases may actually be dropping drawers at last. The Penn State burglary incident involving up to seven players should come to fruition tomorrow, legally speaking at least. According to double top-secret sources, two or three will face serious charges, while up to seven could be charged in all.

Penn State Players involved in burglary: all your brains are belong to him.

This could garner Penn State serious, serious points in the Fulmer Cup. We’d estimate that with three facing serious charges (4 points each?) and four charged with misdemeanors (point each), this puts Penn State in the provisional 16 point range, easily securing second place with the dismissal of a complaint against an unnamed Florida football player earlier this week.

Finally, South Carolina’s Cory Boyd hasn’t been exonerated or charged in an incident at a party allegedly ending with Boyd deciding to see if his handgun worked properly by shooting it in the air during said party. It allegedly worked just fine, frightening the hell out of guests and earning him a visit from the police. Steve Spurrier, conveniently losing his coachspeak manual for the 33rd year in a row, had this to say:

Spurrier said he does not think the players did anything wrong. “But I’ve said that before and (was) proved wrong,” he added. “So I’m not saying it anymore.”

Which he just said. But doesn’t say anymore. I am a liar, I never tell a lie, I am a liar, I never tell a lie…(Android head explodes shortly thereafter…)

Paterno, seen here with brother at Brown, has applied for a 63rd year of eligibliity.

The application requests an unprecedented 63rd year of eligibility for the spry 79 year-old, who in addition to being college football’s winningest D-1 coach is also an accomplished defensive back. Paterno still shares the Brown University record for career interceptions, and demonstrated no loss of catch-up speed in chasing down Big Ten official Dick Honig in 2002.

“Believe me, age ain’t nothing but a number to that man,” said Honig from his home on Sunday. “He’s got some jet left in those black Nikes. Plus he’s got a grip like a one-armed cowhand–I still don’t have feeling in most of my left shoulder after he grabbed me.”

Former qb Kerry Collins concurs. “The man’s unnatural. I once used a double negative in a postgame interview, and here comes this little goblin at a dead sprint at me out of the shower, wearing nothing but those sunglasses. The best part is him screaming at me “We couldn’t do anything right, not nothing! He’s kinda strict about grammar.”

Collins stared into the distance, and then smiled.

“In fact, since that day I’ve been completely colorblind, and go into a fugue state when the barometric pressure dips below 1100 millibars. This has not adversely affected my career in any way since, though.”

Collins: totally unaffected by the side effects of a Paterno blindside.

If Paterno’s athleticism is still a given, his chances at NCAA approval are not. His unprecedented application has raised some eyebrows at NCAA headquarters, and according to one source has the Brand Brahmins scratching their collective heads.

“No other athlete since Ron Powlus has been given this kind of eligibility. No one. And we weren’t real excited about giving him his ninth year to begin with…and now we’re talking about a 63rd? Frankly, we don’t know how he ever slipped through the 12th year without some institutional scrutiny of any sort. This is really a problem of enforcement by the university. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a three-hour lunch break to get to.”

Paterno, for one, is optimistic.

“I survived the Plague, the Haymarket Riot, the War of Spanish Succession, and all that ‘talk to the hand’ business just to have a bunch of pencilnecks tell me I can’t have another year? I’ll tell them what I told Douglas MacArthur: she’s my Filipina mistress, and when she comes begging for the pickle tickle from you and the free lunches from me, then I’ll know I’ve lost. My rehab’s underway–tell Myles Brand I’m running free and blitzing off the corner. He better max protect.”