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April 21, 2008

RALPHIE V MAKES HER VERY TRAMPLE-Y DEBUT

Handler One: Ralphie, that’s a good girl.

Handler Two: Man, she’s flipping me out right now.

Ralphie: Trample. Kill. Ram. Trample. Gore. Crush crush trample. Fear. Two legs everywhere. Trample them all. Desperate hunger for grass. Kill.

Handler Three: We’ve got to go in two.

Handler One: Look at her eyes. It’s just one pit of black surrounded by white fear. God, that’s unnerving.

Ralphie V: Hunger. All that grass. Must crush, then eat. Sun. Buffalo in heaven. Demand blood. Ram. Stomp. Run. Kick. Destroy two legs.

Hander Two: Where’s Trey? He’s supposed to be here. We can’t do this with just three handlers.

Handler Three: We ready to go?

Trey, Handler Four: Hey, guys, when are we—AAAIIIIGGGHHHHH

Handler one, hanging on for dear life: OH GOD HER EYES HAAAAIIIIIILLLLLP!

Ralphie: OPEN SPACE RUN KILL.

Handler Four: My insides feels leaky and warm…I can’t feel…my…hands…

Handler One: I CAN’T HOLD ON JESUS CHRIST WHY THE HELL DO WE HAVE A BUFFALO THEY DON’T LIKE LEASHES!!!!

Dan Hawkins: Well done, boys! That’s a division one football mascot!

Ralphie: Sun. Grass. Trampled. Yes. Suddenly tired. Hungry. Stop.

Handler One: MY SHOULDER! OH GOD MY SHOULDER!

Hawkins: Can we get her to skydive onto the field? And then trample someone? That would be EPIC.

(HT: Rashaan Salaam)

Filed under: Big 12 Conference, Blog Buddies, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, Pepidemiology, fine piece of meat, killed by death, pain pain pain by Orson Swindle

[ 36 Replies ]

April 4, 2008

TALES OF HORRIFIC COACHING PAIN, VOL. 2

Story-toppers, like haters or zombies, are everywhere, but let’s just stop asking head coaches about their personal lives? Ever? Frank Beamer was horribly burned as a young man, Randy Shannon lost pretty much his entire family to AIDS and drugs, and now Ted Miller has a piece on ESPN.com on new Washington State coach Paul Wulff, who doesn’t want to be a downer or anything, but…

What’s the worst thing that could happen to a child? Both parents dying? That would be horrible. But Paul Wulff, Washington State’s new football coach, endured something even more excruciating when he was 12 years old.

His mother disappeared on a July night in 1979. Significant evidence suggested she was murdered. And it pointed toward one suspect.

Wulff’s alcoholic father.

Oh, but wait. Remember, at the end of Cannibal, The Musical, when Trey Parker suggests that the one thing that life had taught him was that just when you think things can’t get worse, they usually do? Of course you do, and you should be thinking it right now as you read the other absolutely horrific, unspeakable thing that happened to Paul Wulff.

What’s the worst thing that could happen to a husband? His young, vibrant wife dying? Paul Wulff also knows how that feels. His first wife, Tammy, his college sweetheart, died in his arms in 2002 after a five-year battle with brain cancer. She was 39.

Um…is this going to make USC running up the score on them this year a bit more shameful? Answer: yes. Will it happen? The Cougars only have around 60 scholarship players around, meaning they likely won’t even have a spring game, so answer there = yes, as well. It just won’t feel as good as it usually does. Who cares, though? Relatively speaking, for Wulff, a tough season with a skimpy roster ain’t shit in terms of challenge.

No, I mean it, this is no big deal. TRUST ME HERE.

Filed under: Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, Pacific 10 Conference, pain pain pain by Orson Swindle

[ 19 Replies ]

March 27, 2008

ADVENTURES IN JUXTAPOSITION: OKLAHOMA NUT-RIPPER ON TRIAL

Perhaps you recall the Oklahoma church deacon and pastor who grabbed the testicles of a Texas fan and nearly ripped them from his body. Or maybe you forgot intentionally, since it involved one man RIPPING OPEN ANOTHER MAN’S FUCKING SCROTUM.

Well, he’s on trial. Fun details follow!

When a pair of bar patrons tried to separate the two men, Thomas said he heard a popping sound, looked down and saw a lot of blood.

“I saw a tear and an exposed testicle,” Thomas said. “I panicked.”

Beckett’s attorney said that Thomas was the aggressor and that his client defended himself only after the younger, bigger man went up to the bar to confront him.

And now, for no reason whatsoever, a picture of a heart-healthy pomegranate!

Oh, no reason. Why do you ask?

Filed under: Big 12 Conference, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, ahhhspiders!, pain pain pain, shit!, your worst nightmares by Orson Swindle

[ 26 Replies ]

March 17, 2008

TO SIR, WITH LOLZ.

Holly has very sad news for you. Be jacked and pumped, but only in the saddest of ways.

Server glitch? Price of fame? Low-level NCAA violation potential? Who knows, but one way or another Pete Carroll’s Facebook profile is no more. And while it brought us all incalculable joy to tread just a little closer to his radiance, I have to say—as a mortal being of woman born, having to look at his status updates every morning was forcing me to examine my life in ways I’m not sure I was ready for.

February 22:

February 25:

March 1:

March 8:

March 13:

I’ll miss you, sir. But my self-worth is drinking to your departure.

[HT: The Great Barstoolio, who screencapped my face ten times.]

Filed under: Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, bizarro superman says you're welcome, drunk white women, how deep is your love?, pain pain pain by Holly

[ 21 Replies ]

November 15, 2007

THAT’S “OZZERELLA PIZZA” FOR YOU, tOSU FAN

Pizza chain Donatos is sponsoring a “No M” week in the leadup to the Ohio State/Michigan game. Customers are being asked to order without using Ms in their ordering, meaning loads of fun when the recently arrived refugee/asylee/immigrant taking your order has to ask you four times what the hell you’re saying because you needlessly drag an innocent letter into your hate-filled interstate rivalry with another football team. M never did anything to you but be M, assholes!

Given college students’ devotion to cheap, high-energy food like factory-made pizza, the promo makes sense, even if you really do get an air-horn in the face for using the letter M. (Perhaps this is just standard practice at Donatos: random air-horning of customers.) If it truly has caught on as much as promoters hoped, then Michigan fans can look forward to being called “otherfuckers” this weekend for a delightful change of pace from the usual.

Filed under: Big 10 Conference, College football, bizarro superman says you're welcome, pain pain pain, stabbing=passion, sweatervest by Orson Swindle

[ 73 Replies ]

July 26, 2007

DAILY AFFIRMATION: DAY [REDACTED]

College football’s a game of unbridled joy, but it’s also one of “harm-joy.” Castaway, you’ll find what you’re looking for in that department, too, in just 37 short days.

Filed under: Big 10 Conference, College football, hope, name redacted, pain pain pain, push it to the limit! by Orson Swindle

[ 36 Replies ]

July 16, 2007

OKIE STATE LOSES ARTRELL WOODS TO WEIGHTLIFTING INJURY

Here we were, all ready to tack Oklahoma State up as this year’s pip of a Big 12 team, the one that goes 9-3 and beats a few luminaries along the way, when a potential starting receiver slips while lifting a ridiculous amount of weight and sends a few lumbar vertebrae shooting across the gym.

Back injury: an interactive feature starring you, a lot of weight, and pills whose names end in -done.

We noticed the story in passing this weekend, but were perhaps to distracted by the awesomeness of going to a Mastodon concert to really take in just how nasty Woods’ injury truly was. From NewsOK.com:

It’s uncertain whether Woods will play football again after a freak accident in the weight room. But it’s encouraging the sophomore wide receiver has had feeling in his legs and was released from intensive care on Sunday.

Great Tamurlane’s nutsack! What the hell was he lifting? A Coke machine made of Govermentium? Chunks of solid granite, or their human equivalent in weight if not consistency, conference rival coach Mark Mangino? Woods went from “freak weight room injury” to “may never play again” over the weekend, spending the weekend in intensive care before undergoing three and a half hours of back surgery to repair the blasted bones in his back. He’s still in the hospital, but is expected to be released in the next couple of days.

The Cowboys still have plenty of talent left at wideout, including the large and very difficult to defend Adarius Bowman (1181 yards, 60 rec, 12 tds, and an amazing natural origami practitioner.) One thing they may not have is the clean and jerk as part of their workout routine any more–we’d be a few slipped discs that this is the exercise that got Woods into the hospital.

He wouldn’t be the only one to get injured doing the clean and jerk: