EDSBS » out of the blue and into the black

THE NICK SABAN SHOW, LIVE FROM TUSCALOOSA/BANGALORE

Orson Swindle — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 19:40:47 +0000

Tuscaloosa, Alabama. A television studio. A single chair sits off-center on a carpeted platform. The offseason edition of the Nick Saban Show is set to begin, but in the spot where co-host Tom Roberts usually sits instead holds a flat screen television.

Enter COACH NICK SABAN.

Coach Saban: Christ, I think I ate some bad sausage. Tell those people on the Gulf they cook like old people jump.

Personal Assistant Nancy: Yes, sir. Now, if you’ll please have a seat, sir. You only have to do three of these in the offseason.

Coach Saban: Right, right. Christ, it feels like I’ve got a sackful of puppies wriggling around down there. Call the doctor and have me intubated for a film session. I’m gonna need an IV. When are those people going to learn to clean the shrimp?

Nancy: I don’t know sir. Now, there’s been a change in the–

Saban: Where’s Tom?

Nancy: Due to some budget cuts, there’s been a change. Tom’s no longer the co-host.

Saban: I don’t like this. Where the hell is Tom?

Enter PRODUCER ED.

Ed: He’s pursuing other opportunities. Listen, Coach. The recession’s hit our donations, and we’ve got to take some steps. We’ve saved money one way by outsourcing the job of co-host to a company called International Media Solutions. They’re out of Bangalore.

Saban: India? So I’m just supposed to talk to this tv? Who’s gonna be on it?

Ed: IMS has provided a host who will read our questions. They also have some graphics ready for us, produced in house by them.

Saban: So who’s gonna be hosting this?

Ed: They’ve provided a guy. Pretty sure he’s a pro, but we’re going to do a dress rehearsal to find out.

The tv crackles to life. DALER MEHNDI appears on the tv.

Daler Mehndi: hallo coach saban this is can you hear me daler mehndi questions for you this is NICK SABAN’S SHOOOOOOOOWWW.

Saban: I can’t understand what he’s saying.

Producer Ed: Daler, if you could, I’d like to rehearse some questions.

Daler is delayed. He stares and smiles a gigantic smile into the camera.

Daler: Yes, but intro? We will watch the intro? I suggest we watch the intro first.

Saban: Hey, um…”Dollar.” I’m on a schedule and…

Daler (in thunderous baritone): JAAAAIIIIIIIIIII GANESHA!!!!

JAI GANESHA JAI GANESHA JAI GANESHA DEVAA (ROLL TIDE!)
MAATAA JAAKII PAARVATII, PITAA MAHAADEVAA (ROLL TIDE!)
EKA DANTA DAYAAVANTA, CAARA BHUJAA DHAARII (ROLL TIDE!)
MAATHE SINDUURA SOHAI, MUUSE KII SAVAARI (ROLL TIDE!)
JAI GANESHAA…

A tiny woman with a screeching voice comes on and bellows away in Hindi…

ANDHANA KO AANKHA DETA
KORHINA KO KAAYAA (ROLL TIDE!)
BAANJHANA KO PUTRA DETA
NIRDHANA KO MAAYAA (ROLL TIDE!)
JAI GANESHAA…

PAANA CARHE, PHUULA CARHE
AURA CARHE MEVAA
LADDUANA KO BHOGA LAGE
SAMITA KAREN SEVAA
JAI GANESHA…

The camera switches back to Daler. He smiles broadly. Saban, Ed, and Nancy sit speechless. After ten seconds, Saban speaks.

Saban: I’m…let’s just try some questions. Go.

Daler: YES. Questions. He digs up a notecard. Coach, please discuss the game with Utah.

Saban: Well, I think we just–

Daler: What transpired there WAS IT THIS?

Dramatic screeching 70s horns blare for a minute straight: DAH! DAH! DAH! DAH!

Saban: Ed, I don’t think this is going to work. It’s just not…

Daler: YOU SHALL DEFEAT THE GATORS WITH GANESHA-MAN SABAN AT THE HELM OHHHHHH JAAAAAIIII GANESHA

Saban: I don’t have time for this shit.

Ed: Get Tom on the phone. Tell him we’ll give him dental this time.

Nancy: Count to ten, Nick. Count to ten.

Daler: JAAIIIIIIIIIII GANESHA!!!

CORRECTIONS, 1/16/2009

Holly — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 17:37:15 +0000

Mistakes: we make them. The Corrections follow. �

On Monday, we reported that Ron Zook has accepted an offseason endorsement deal with the Hollister clothing company, and that his shirtless billboard campaign has been the source of much consternation among U of I boosters. Coach Zook’s contract is with Abercrombie & Fitch. We regret the error.

On Tuesday, we reported that former SEC announcer Ron Franklin had been arrested for public intoxication in his hometown of Jackson, Mississippi. Franklin was in actuality arrested for armed robbery. We regret the error.

Monday’s Draft Board Roundup reported a shocking discovery by NFL doctors who claim �Percy Harvin’s joints are constructed entirely of spun sugar candy. A consultation with Mr. Harvin’s personal physical has revealed that, in fact, his bones are formed from delicious, chewy marzipan. We regret the error.�

Tuesday’s profile of Kirk Herbstreit listed his favorite karaoke song as Bryan Adams’ “Summer of ‘69″. This is incorrect. Mr. Herbstreit prefers “Sheila”, by Ready for the World. We regret the error.

On Wednesday, we mistakenly listed graduating Texas A&M senior Jorvorskie Lane’s major as “Physical Education.” Lane majored instead in “Cheesecake.” We regret the error.

Wednesday’s Big 10 Algonquin Roundtable implied that Penn State head coach Joe Paterno was the inspiration for Hemingway’s The Old Man and the Sea. The Hemingway estate has contacted us and assured our editorial staff that this is a common mistake. Paterno’s life was actually the basis for Samuel Taylor Coleridge’s “The Rime of the Ancient Mariner”. We regret the error.

Monday’s Curious Index reported that Tim Brewster, Minnesota coach, played the drummer in this video.

That was inaccurate; Brewster actually plays the lead singer. We regret the error.

In Vol. II of this year’s EDSBS THE MAGAZINE, we published an article entitles, “Dennis Franchione Returns to Coaching…and Love!” �While Mr. Franchione is pursuing offseason leads for 2009, his agent assures us he remains trapped in a cold, emotionless marriage to a tulip poplar.” We regret the error.

Mrs. Franchione, seen here in a 2003 file photo, was unavailable for comment.

Earlier today, we printed a retraction regarding ESPN announcer Ron Franklin. We reported that Franklin had been arrested for armed robbery. Franklin was calling a basketball game at the time, and was not involved in the crime in any way. Please replace “Ron Franklin” with “Ed Podolak,” “Jackson, Mississippi” with “Des Moines, Iowa,” and “armed robbery” with “topiary rape.” �We regret the error.

On Thursday, we reported that suit had been filed in the case of Discovery Channel versus Willingham. As a follow-up and semi correction, Willingham’s claim of copyright infringement did not apply to Discovery’s hit show Man Versus Wild, but instead to the show Destroyed in Seconds. The suit was thrown out, as the judge ruled that it takes at least three years for Ty Willingham to destroy a football program, and not seconds as indicated by the show’s title.

�

FULMER: TOAST (ROAST?); KNS: DROWSY

Holly — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 16:38:43 +0000

I mean, of course he is. If this coaching staff had anyone left in their corner at all after treating a reeling, gutted fanbase to a full quarter of Jonathan Crompton, I’d love to hear from them.

So, here we go. It’s time; there’s absolutely no arguing that, but for a city and a team threatened by the remotest hint of change the balance of the season looms dark and our natural pessimism has finally found purchase.� Even with both feet in the FIRE HIS ASS YESTERDAY camp, I was never going to be entirely comfortable when this day came.� He’s the coach of my childhood, the devil I know.� Six weeks ago, I wrote,� “It�s our time at the edge, and the stay will be neither brief nor pleasant.”� I had no idea.

But if there’s anything to celebrate here with complete joyful abandon (for me, campers, for me), it’s that Chris Low scooped the living hell out of the Knoxville News-Sentinel, a terrible paper with a simpering buffoon of a sports editor in John Adams.� Save your preening, sir—you’ve had a public, exhausting vendetta against the guy for years and today you got beat.� ABIGAIL Adams would’ve had that story first, and that bitch has been dead almost 200 years.

BUFFALO WINGS OF DESIRE: A PLAY IN SIX ACTS

Holly — Fri, 19 Sep 2008 18:01:37 +0000

You might wonder: how does an overeducated Volunteer fan feel about the game? How does “hallucinating in the key of Wim Wenders sound?” to you? If the answer is “too bizarre for digestion,” then read no further; if not, then please, venture into the dark caverns of Holly’s subconscious 24 hours prior to the Gators coming to Knoxville.

Sie sehen uns nicht. Sie chompen uns nicht.

CUTCLIFFE: Tell me, muse, of the storyteller who has been thrust to the edge of the world, both an infant and an ancient, and through him reveal everyman. I’m an old man with a broken voice, but the tale still rises from the depths, and the mouth, slightly opened, repeats it as clearly, as powerfully. A liturgy for which no one needs to be initiated to the meaning of words and sentences.

MAJORS: Are there still borders? More than ever! Every street has its borderline. Between each plot, there’s a strip of no-man’s-land disguised as a hedge or a ditch. Everyone carries his own state with him, and demands a toll when another wants to enter. The soul of today can only be conquered and governed by one who arrives at each small state with the password. So everyone migrates, and waves his one-man-state flag in all earthly directions.

FULMER: Sometimes I’m fed up with my spiritual existence. I’d like, at each step, each gust of wind, to be able to say “Now.” Now, and now, and no longer “forever” and “for eternity.”

MARTIN: To lie! Through one’s teeth. As you’re walking, to feel your bones moving along. At last to guess, instead of always knowing.
To be able, once in a while, to enthuse for evil. To draw all the demons of the earth from passers-by and to chase them out into the world.

MANNING: Stay alone! Let things happen! Keep serious! Do no more than look! Assemble, testify, preserve! Remain spirit! Keep your distance. Keep your word.

CROMPTON: Where are my heroes? Where are my own, the curious ones, the first, the original ones? Name me, muse, the immortal singer who, abandoned by those who listened to him, lost his voice. He who, from the angel of poetry that he was, became a poet, ignored or mocked outside on the threshold of no-man’s land.

Wait! I want to know everything.
You figure that out for yourself. That’s the fun of it.