Tuscaloosa, Alabama. A television studio. A single chair sits off-center on a carpeted platform. The offseason edition of the Nick Saban Show is set to begin, but in the spot where co-host Tom Roberts usually sits instead holds a flat screen television.

Enter COACH NICK SABAN.

Coach Saban: Christ, I think I ate some bad sausage. Tell those people on the Gulf they cook like old people jump.

Personal Assistant Nancy: Yes, sir. Now, if you’ll please have a seat, sir. You only have to do three of these in the offseason.

Coach Saban: Right, right. Christ, it feels like I’ve got a sackful of puppies wriggling around down there. Call the doctor and have me intubated for a film session. I’m gonna need an IV. When are those people going to learn to clean the shrimp?

Nancy: I don’t know sir. Now, there’s been a change in the–

Saban: Where’s Tom?

Nancy: Due to some budget cuts, there’s been a change. Tom’s no longer the co-host.

Saban: I don’t like this. Where the hell is Tom?

Enter PRODUCER ED.

Ed: He’s pursuing other opportunities. Listen, Coach. The recession’s hit our donations, and we’ve got to take some steps. We’ve saved money one way by outsourcing the job of co-host to a company called International Media Solutions. They’re out of Bangalore.

Saban: India? So I’m just supposed to talk to this tv? Who’s gonna be on it?

Ed: IMS has provided a host who will read our questions. They also have some graphics ready for us, produced in house by them.

Saban: So who’s gonna be hosting this? (more…)

Mistakes: we make them. The Corrections follow.  

On Monday, we reported that Ron Zook has accepted an offseason endorsement deal with the Hollister clothing company, and that his shirtless billboard campaign has been the source of much consternation among U of I boosters. Coach Zook’s contract is with Abercrombie & Fitch. We regret the error.

On Tuesday, we reported that former SEC announcer Ron Franklin had been arrested for public intoxication in his hometown of Jackson, Mississippi. Franklin was in actuality arrested for armed robbery. We regret the error.

I mean, of course he is. If this coaching staff had anyone left in their corner at all after treating a reeling, gutted fanbase to a full quarter of Jonathan Crompton, I’d love to hear from them.

So, here we go. It’s time; there’s absolutely no arguing that, but for a city and a team threatened by the remotest hint of change the balance of the season looms dark and our natural pessimism has finally found purchase.  Even with both feet in the FIRE HIS ASS YESTERDAY camp, I was never going to be entirely comfortable when this day came.  He’s the coach of my childhood, the devil I know.  Six weeks ago, I wrote,  “It’s our time at the edge, and the stay will be neither brief nor pleasant.”  I had no idea.

But if there’s anything to celebrate here with complete joyful abandon (for me, campers, for me), it’s that Chris Low scooped the living hell out of the Knoxville News-Sentinel, a terrible paper with a simpering buffoon of a sports editor in John Adams.  Save your preening, sir—you’ve had a public, exhausting vendetta against the guy for years and today you got beat.  ABIGAIL Adams would’ve had that story first, and that bitch has been dead almost 200 years.

You might wonder: how does an overeducated Volunteer fan feel about the game? How does “hallucinating in the key of Wim Wenders sound?” to you? If the answer is “too bizarre for digestion,” then read no further; if not, then please, venture into the dark caverns of Holly’s subconscious 24 hours prior to the Gators coming to Knoxville.

Sie sehen uns nicht. Sie chompen uns nicht. (more…)