Everyday Should Be Saturday

March 13, 2007

EXERCISES YOU CANNOT DO, SIR/MA’AM.

Your name is Hypolite; therefore, you must play offensive line, since your name sounds like something out of 300, or perhaps a new light but wickedly strong polymer fiber used to make racing kayaks. He also plays for Colorado, so continue the 300 theme with Dan “Leonidas” Hawkins running about the place seeing if he can get a well built in the lockerroom to kick people down when he decides to really make a point emphatically.


Buffaloes! Tonight we dine…at Applebee’s!!!

This article on how wickedly strong your local offensive lineman is drives home the point in a number of ways. First, it mentions that OL Hypolite can back squat 665 pounds, best on the Colorado squad, and more weight than you care to think about putting on the frame of your car, much less your spine. It also has the Buff’s Thursday workout, which has our breakfast rising in our throats just looking at it:

* Over Head Squat 3×6
* Hang Clean 6
* Lateral Lung 3×6
* 30 Leg Ext. 3×6
* Bench Press 8
* DB Post Delt 3×6
* DB French Press 3×6
* WTD Inverted Rows 2×10
* Atomic Drop 2×30

Most of these should be self explanatory (the French press is a tricep exercise), however one definitely isn’t: the Atomic Drop. Our crack research skills (Google. What!) got us a good guess, and yippee! it involves Atlas Stones, the same 100 pound rocks the World’s Strongest Men contestants are forever lifting and dropping. Atomic Drops, we guess, are repetitions of lifting over head and dropping to the ground, done in sets of thirty.

Sometimes, this is easier typed than done, as evidenced by this guy who gets pwn3d by the stones with his kids watching.

Good for him, though. We’d crap ourselves trying to do one. Now excuse us, we have a chicken biscuit to go cough up.

P.S. Over/under on comments suggesting that the workout “doesn’t look bad:” four, we’re guessing.



Filed under: Big 12 Conference, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, bamf!, bizarro superman says you're welcome, hangovers of staggering intensity, one rank bull, sports supplements  by Orson Swindle

March 12, 2007

CINCINNATI SUSPENDS FOOTBALL PLAYER IN “EIGHT-MAN-WEAVE” CASE.

As sensational as the story is, the only disciplinary action coming (heh) out of the Cincinnati gangbang case involving current Bearcat players and a former female soccer player (heh, misplaced modifier) whose group sex ended up on tape will be a student conduct violation for one player, suspended for one game by the Bearcats. This concludes Cincinnati’s investigation of the incident, though we’re sure others in student dorms will continue “investigating” the tapes for years to come. (heh.)

You thought this was going to be the actual tape, didn’t you? You dirty, sick person. We couldn’t find one, actually, despite looking and asking around for one. However, we can offer up things we think WKRP could stand for in this case: We Kings of Random Penetration, perhaps?

The player, one of many [NAME REDACTED]s in the article, claimed the sex was simply between himself and the woman mentioned in the case, something that without breaking the laws of physics was clearly untrue given the evidence the committee had. His own accounts of the evening contradicted other testimony gathered during the investigation. Sadly, testimony will not be made public, so we’ll have to present our own EDSBS: True Athletic Disciplinary Committee Transcript Simulation below.

Student: Then I finished with a Houston Oiler, and we were done with the sex.

Investigator: You don’t recall a Juicy Cowboy at one point, administered by Mr. Y?

Student: No, I’m pretty sure I’d remember that.

Investigator: And a Dutch Oven, executed by Messrs. Q and R around 11:15.

Student: Naw, I wouldn’t do that to a lady.

Investigator: At 11:57, however, you pull off a perfect Kamikaze Kissoff. Isn’t that merely a more complex version of the Dutch Oven, sir?

Student: To the untrained eye…perhaps.

Investigator: And the glass-bottomed boat at 1:16? Isn’t that your teammate Mr. X clearly serving as the assistant here?

Student: I have no comment on that incident.

Investigator: The Smoky Tornado at 12:30?

Student: Again, I cannot recall that.

Investigator: The Unfortunate Scullery Maid at 12:44?

Student: No comment.

Investigator: The Starbury Quick-step at 1:02, sir? Surely you remember that?

Student: I have no recollection of that.

Investigator: And finally, the Serengeti Confetti maneuver at 1:36, involving you, Messrs. R through X? Again, no memory of that? Despite what we can see with our own eyes here?

Student: No, no, I certainly remember that. That shit was awesome.



Filed under: Beaver Jokes, Blog Buddies, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, Mid Major Conferences, bamf!, one rank bull, reinhold messner would do it  by Orson Swindle

February 5, 2007

SEEING OTHER PEOPLE: EDSBS GOES TO THE PBR

We swear this isn’t mission creep. Or infidelity, really. You see, college football, you’re just not around enough to fulfill all of our needs. Really, how do you expect us to sit here, like some kind of wireless-addicted Penelope, awaiting your return with bated breath without getting any on the side? While you’re off practicing, wooing 18 year olds with lurid promises, and gallivating around fundraising and doing everything BUT putting on football games for our viewing pleasure?
Who do you think we are? Chris Berman’s wife?

It’s time we made an arrangement. From time to time, we’ll see other people. We won’t be all downlow about it, but we won’t be asking them to move in with the two of us. And we’ll also promise this: we’ll have had to see the whole thing in person, since we’re hands-on like that.

We’re calling it Seeing Other People, and this week our first “healthy diversion” comes to us from a sport no one in their right mind could miss seeing at least once: Professional Bull Riding. We covered the event for Professional Bull Riding Monthly. As improbable as the notion of actually climbing onto the back of a one-ton bull seems on television, it’s infinitely more hackbrained when you see it happening right in front of you in the chutes.

That guy’s about the size of Regis Phibin, just to make the whole endeavor look twice as cracked ballsy as it seemed before you knew that.

Since we’re busy with unavoidable real-life stuff today, please take the following pics as our apologies. Be back on Tuesday AM. (more…)



Filed under: Blog Buddies, Not strictly college football, but funny, one rank bull  by Orson Swindle

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