Everyday Should Be Saturday

April 24, 2008

WE ARE UNDER WAY, BABY: PROGRAMMING NOTES/SNACKY TIDBITS

ONE. Herr Swindle is headed to Draft Day, baby. He’ll be the one they’re not taking alive. Suggestions for fauxhawk disguises/Jets fan repellent methods in the comments, if you please.

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TWO. This snapshot of the 2001 ‘Canes O-line from, of all places, the Grey Lady. Few things amuse me quite as much as reading anthropological dissections of college sport:

Most of their teammates refuse to be seen in public with them. They refer to themselves as ”animals.” Their coach, Larry Coker, calls them ‘’scary.” They’re ”weird, off the wall, the most politically incorrect people I’ve ever met,” says Ken Dorsey, the team’s laid-back quarterback, with a sly grin. ”I try not to let my girlfriend near them…”

They helped turn Dorsey, a smart, self-possessed quarterback with limited physical skills, into a Heisman Trophy candidate. (The award was won by Eric Crouch of Nebraska.)

Romberg, of Norwegian ancestry, speaks Norwegian, Lithuanian, Serbo-Croatian, some Spanish and English. Haji-Rasouli speaks Persian, Spanish, some German and English. Bibla speaks Polish, Russian and English. Gonzalez speaks Spanish and English. They have taught one another vulgar expressions in each of their many languages.

Read on, campers read on; there’s so much more.

THREE. This headline.

ONE TWO THREE FOUR:

August 23, 2007

SAVE THE ORANGE BOWL. WITH RIMZ.

The Miami Hurricanes have made the move to Dolphin Stadium official, foretelling doom for the neglected and ailing Orange Bowl. Despite being one of college football’s most authentic arenas since 1937–”Yes, that’s real, aggressive tropical fungus cracking the support pillars of the northside stands”–the groovy, pastel-lettered OB seems destined for the wrecking ball.

One must bear in mind that Miami’s gotten its investment out of the now-decrepit stadium a hundred times over: the original was built for $340,000, a pittance compared to what its baseball-hosting replacement will cost. (Oh, and it will most likely be a home for the Marlins that replaces it. Worthless, sissified, and pray-for-death-boring baseball.) According to an alumni listserve email, $200 million in improvements would “only provide basic and mostly infrastructural upgrades.” Still, losing the alien transmission light towers, open endzones, and sweltering squalor of the Orange Bowl constitutes a memory loss for college football as a collective.

And it’s not like it couldn’t be restored with 200 mil. Frankly, you give us a hundred grand, and we’ll have the place flossin, lawya.


A stadium befitting the 7th Floor Crew. Drop your pants, show ‘em your third leg.

If you don’t think an entire stadium plated with chrome in the hateful sunlight of a Miami afternoon wouldn’t be the most intimidating homefield advantage in all of college football, then you’re indeed on some fine Colombian booger sugar, sir. RED 32! RED 32! AAAIIIIIGGGGHH GOD MY EYYYYEEEEESSS!!!!!

(Illustration courtesy of the indomitable J-Money of Ladies fame.)

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