Everyday Should Be Saturday

October 24, 2007

PENN STATE HAS FECES MANAGEMENT PROBLEMS

AAAHHH! RUN!!!

In the Big Ten, the shit will hit the fan on Saturday night as a classic nexus of Big Ten football, Brent Musburger, and wholesome, sausage-downing fandom meet in Happy Valley as Penn State hosts the undefeated Ohio State Buckeyes.

And if you do plan on attending the game, please note that big games at Penn State tend to have a laxative effect on fans, and that you may be hard up for a place to deposit the angry, glowing bolus of processed sausage and potato salad you’re carrying around in your bowels like five pounds of spare change.

“The number of comfort stations being provided currently is woefully inadequate from a health and safety standpoint,” Brumbaugh’s letter says. “The handful of comfort stations in the parking lots are, quite literally, full and overflowing with human waste creating untold potential health and safety problems for PSU football patrons and, ultimately, the general public.”

(We blame heavy, hearty Midwestern fare for the problem–it’s painful enough when your intestines grab the wheel, but the mandate becomes even more urgent when you’ve got a solid two pounds of brats, potatoes, and casserole blowing through the tollbooth without paying. Barbecue and chips at least stops you up until a bitter, teary fight-crap the following morning.)

The myth of overflowing styrofoam coolers at Ohio State tailgates remains that: a myth. (Albeit, one we heartily support, since it is funny, and should therefore be true. It’s rollin’!) This, however, is a documented public health and sanitation crisis, with 100,000 tailgaters relying on a paltry 339 portable toilets for relief. The recommended number for a crowd of this size is 957, meaning that refugee camps in Chad could, theoretically, have better shit logistics than Penn State on gameday.

And big games really do seem to intensify the problem: while the average gameday sees 7,000 gallons of blue-brownish cloacal goo pumped from the premises, this year’s Notre Dame game saw 18,000 gallons of shit punch taken off site. (We’ll beat you to it. Charlie Weis was not the sole reason for the jump, and don’t even try to suggest it.) We can only imagine that the combination of college football’s two fecal superpowers–one mythic, one documented–could result in a turdocaust of rogue wave proportions.

HT: Senator Blutarsky.



Filed under: Big 10 Conference, Blog Buddies, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, no, paterno, pudding, shit!  by Orson Swindle

April 24, 2007

KEEP FLORIDA PLAYERS AWAY FROM BEER KEGS

Auburn scores points for drunk in pub-LICK, as Octavius Balkcom (nice Bond villain name, there) is arrested at 4:40 a.m. this past Saturday in Opelika for public drunkenness. As you may know, if you are drunk and in public at 4:40 a.m. in Opelika, Alabama, then your blood may be used for rocket fuel, because you are likely drunk as haaaaaaiiiiiiiiil.


Powered by booze!

That out of the way…we have Florida points to report, though not so many as previously thought. Last night the student newspaper of the University of Florida, The Alligator, reported that five players were arrested attempting to steal a beer keg from a student in the Cabana Beach Apartments.

(Cabana Beach Apartments should not fool you with its name: it no more resembles tropical paradise than Camelot Apartments resembles the mythical home of King Arthur. Most apartment complexes in Gainesville have hyperbolic bullshit names like this. We’ll respect the one that just comes out and calls itself “Drywall Claptrap Where Your Sex Life Is Your Neighbors’, Too.”)

The details, from Carl Hiaasen’s student newspaper:

On Saturday, a UF student was taking kegs out of his truck when the men approached him. One 6-foot-4, 280-pound man attempted to steal his keg, cutting his neck in the process, according to the report. The cut was 5 to 6 inches long, the report states, and it appeared to be the result of a fingernail or ring.

The other four players on the scene restrained the attacker, who then broke away and assaulted the student again, slamming him into his truck, according to the report.

The Alligator changed its headline overnight, since the incident came out as one player demonstrating assholishness beyond reason restrained by four players who clearly failed in their goal of not ending up in the paper. This is, by the way, the only paper reporting the story.

Nevertheless…

One count of robbery= 3 points.
Two definite accounts of assault=4 points
One bonus point for fucking up at our university=1 point

That’s eight points right there, a substantial sum placing Florida well within striking distance of Illinois’ once impregnable lead. The charges, though, may not even stand. For shame’s sake, though, we award them in hope that our climb up the rankings will push Urban Meyer to do something, anything positive in the way of disciplining a football player for anything.


On the upside…at least he didn’t throw it after he stole it.



Filed under: Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, Fulmer Cup, Southeastern Conference, alas, and that is tough titties for you, beer, no, we're not changing the name of the cup  by Orson Swindle

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