Getting groped on public transit: it’s not just for Japanese film anymore, as the Pitt Panthers have make the big board with indecent assault, harassment, and disorderly conduct by wide receiver Jonathan Baldwin, who decided while he was on the bus that he may as well go and make a friend by extending a friendly greeting to a female student, or as the law calls it…

…for allegedly slapping then groping the behind of a female student…

Ah, the ol’ Pop and Palpitate Palpate. Good for Club Eros on Friday night, especially with the fifty year old librarians looking to form a filthy rugby scrum in the “Hellfire Room.” Bad for for total strangers on a city bus, and good for four points in the Fulmer Cup with the one bonus point for your name and “slapping then groping” being put into the public record for all eternity. We have company now!

Man 2: Nah, man.

Man 1: Why not? You should? It helps to know people, meet new friends, get a lay of the neighborhood, it’s–

Man 2:Trust me. It’s not worth it. Plus I have to do it sooner rather than later.

Man 1: When are you going to say hi?

Man 2: Oh, later I guess.

Man 1: You should bring them a bottle of wine. People like wine.

Man 2: Oh, man I don’t think that’s a good idea.

(Two felony charges get UAB a total of six points for Will Dunbar, who failed to register as a sex offender or notify the state of Alabama of his change of address to tell everyone he’s a pederast what’s a pederast shut the fuck up Donny.)

Woody Hayes nude: censored because he was illegally beautiful.

Go ahead and call him ugly, Leonard…

“If the team lost or tied, he would conduct an interview in the nude,” said Downie, as reported in The Lantern. “He was an ugly guy so it would clear the locker room out pretty fast.”

But can’t you balance that with the kind of womanly compliment usually following a statement like this, as in “he was ugly…but Woody was always sexy,” or “A post-loss nude Woody Hayes conference was like staring into the sun: so intense and powerful you could only endure a few seconds of its awesome grandeur?” Mighty uncharitable, as we’re sure Professor Hayes, while lacking physical grandeur, had his own ramshackle physical charm about him. (”He has nice forearms! His eyes: have you seen his eyes?”)

As opposed to a Pete Carroll nude press conference, where presumably reporters would leave in tears of joy and awe saying things like, “It was so…beautiful…”, “like David, but better hung,” and “It was like watching a new child enter the world, but without the shitting and hideous afterbirth.”

So I was running the Sweaty Wishbone with this Filipina in the back of her car the other day when I thought: this girl has got some fight in her! Just like the Arizona defense. They’re eighteenth in the nation in total defense, and if the vaunted USC defense doesn’t stop Willie Tuitama two weeks ago, we’re talking about them being the dominant unit in the Pac-10, not the Trojans. Whew! The way that girl threw it around I thought we were going to knock the buttery brown skins off those luscious adobo-powered love onions.

God, just thinking about that gets me sweaty and desperate. I’m gonna take care of this in the car where the bank teller can see it. Thank God the boys aren’t here.

PHINEAS! J.! HOGGFATHERRRRRRR!!!

Sorry, I just had to take care of that. I mean, what’s with the Pac-10? It’s a complete muddle, and even USC can’t seem to throw it down like they used to do. I was at a swingers’ party talking to a guy about it, and how we just couldn’t figure it out. He was a fat accountant named Stu, and while he was playing pink thermometer for Nancy–er, sorry, “Randy Rita”–he asked me, “Hey, ya think Dennis Erickson lost his touch?”

I thought about it. Maybe he has: just look at Erickson’s dismal in-conference record. The woman’s friend was busy with him while I kept myself in a holding pattern. “The Sun Devils are 1-4 in conference games this year. I mean, that’s just not gonna get it done at ASU!” He agreed with me. Then, ready to go, we hosed those ladies down like angry riot cops and went to the buffet.

(The kids are mine. Donald’s in the Navy because he can’t support them and they’re mine. I can’t help myself. Daisy was like a remora. Twice a day for seven years. Insatiable. Like a she-wolf in constant heat. Don’t judge me.)

I mean, Oregon State’s in line for the Rose Bowl: that’s right, Oregon State, the team that got killed by Penn State 45-14 on the road. I don’t want to downgrade what they’ve done, but that’s not exactly who you’d guess was in the catbird seat, now would ya?

You know what else I you wouldn’t guess? I’m having sex right now with my hairdresser. In drag.

We’re friends with benefits. I get free haircuts, and she gets nine inches of gratitude in multiple, rapid installments. I’ll be done in a second.

RUTHERFORD! B! HAAAAYYYES!!!!

Whew! Where was I? They do have Jacquizz Rodgers, who almost proves that size doesn’t matter. Almost, because it does, ladies. I’m thick like great steak and can use it to roll bread dough. Pants fear me. Sometimes I just drape towels on it not to brag, but because it’s useful. Call me. I’ll ruin you for other men. Ducks. Whatever.

Speaking of the Ducks: talk about perseverance in the face of a curse. They get down to their third stringer at qb and still make it 6-3? Way to make sausage out of shinola, Ducks? Doing the name proud. I used that pride to push through a difficult menage a trois the other night. I was on the ropes, but Chandra and Jessica had to tap out after I caught my fifth wind and put them into submission holds. Oh, yes. Duck is kosher, and still undefeated in the Cocktagon.

I’m sorry. Just one second. I have to finish pleasuring the maid. Ludmila, lift your leg, sweetie.

HERCULES! P.! BUTTERWOOOOOOORTH!!!

God, thats’s refreshing. How bout that Stanford? Jim Harbaugh, you’ve got them at 5-4 and looking at a bowl. That’s a great rebuild job, dude. Man, anyone can win this conference! Hey, you. Yes, you. Meet me in the back of the hangar in two minutes. I’ve got to pick up Mr. McD in fifteen minutes. I can have you barrel rolling in four. Let’s do the math together in two. Any landing’s a good landing, and judging from those support hose, you’ve had a few crashes in your day. I’ll bring you home in one piece, baby. Trust me.

Don’t forget about Cal? Anyone trust them to show up for two games in a row? Not this guy!

Rubbing our whiskered chin, let’s revisit history here…Stanford has a toxic, staphylococcus-infested couch…time passes…then Stanford suddenly not only beats USC, but then the following spring USC comes down with an outbreak of jock itch so crippling it actually sidelines players? Jim Harbaugh bows to no man or bacterium. Let the conspiracy theories begin.

University of Arizona defensive end Jonathan Turner has been indicted in connection with an alleged sexual assault that took place last month. (My, that’s a tortured sentence. Viva legalese!) Turner was the projected starter for Arizona, and it’s all very sad and unfortunate that the Wildcats will be inconvenienced by his absence.

However, we think any discussion of “cuddling” should be narrowly defined for the benefit of all parties in all cases of close bodily contact. Cuddling is a voluntary activity, and should involve two fully awake partners who agree to any and all cuddling in advance. At no point should a participant in the cuddling “trip out” for any reason. Finally, cuddling also should not involve soiling couches.

“Mr. Turner followed her into the bedroom and stated nothing had happened,” the search-warrant affidavit said. “He described (the victim) as ‘tripping out.’ He continued to state he was just ‘cuddling’ with (the victim).” The victim was taken to St. Mary’s Hospital by her friends, and sheriff’s adult-sex-crimes detectives investigated. DNA evidence was obtained, along with two quilts and seat cushions from the couch, the search warrant shows.

This reminder of why sleeping on college students’ couches is inadvisable is brought to you by the President’s Council For Hygiene, who reminds you that if you had a black light, you wouldn’t really be able to sleep anywhere at all, and probably really shouldn’t for your own good.

Oh, and give Arizona three points for felony sexual assault, and one additional bonus point for the unsavory details involving a couch and “fluids” for a total of four points in the Fulmer Cup. We’re going to wash our hands right now.