Down? Tryin’ to get a spark? Goshdangit, what you need is a canned Garage Band beat with some of [NAME REDACTED]’s finest cuts from his Monday morning interview following another intense, passionate loss to a Big Ten team. Illinois faces Michigan State this Saturday with new starting qb Eddie McGee, who will likely be benched for deposed starter qb Juice Williams in the third quarter because Illinois is dead last in scoring defense and scoring offense in the Big Ten, and that makes you a terrible, terrible football team no matter who is cluelessly slapping the controls of a plane in flat spin.

GET DOWN.


MP3 File

Letters began arriving early this summer from the University of South Carolina football office. Then a couple every week from Illinois. One from Tennessee. Others from Charleston Southern, East Carolina and North Carolina State.

Yeah, this explains a lot. See, we offered, and when he showed up, he had lost 125 pounds, 1.5 seconds off his forty time, and had become white. Durndest thing, I know. Even without their 165 pound lynchpin, South Carolina is improving offensively, but reading stuff like this…

Garcia overthrew several receivers, and that was when the ball wasn’t snapped over his head.

…makes us want to send deadly robots back in time to figure out what sapped Steve Spurrier of his J.R. Ewing swagger and turned him into this sad, grass-kicking ghost of a past ass-kicker at Sakerlina. Then, when we found out what did it, we’d take Urban as our coach anyway, but we’d send the robots to kill the cast of Everybody Loves Raymond, because that show deserved to die in a hail of bullets and cyborg flame before it even crawled its tentacled way into existence. Isn’t it funny how they all hate each other DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE.

Cautionary tale of getting in barfights, vol. 382395: You attempt to hit on women in a bar. You believe you’re saying things like, “My, ma’am, what a fine night it is, and how gilded the moonflower appears to be on this luminous, intoxicating evening.” The woman, seeking some kind of shelter from you overpowering masculinity, sends over an envoy who happens to be a backup linebacker for the Illinois Illini football team.

You have instead said nothing like what witnesses have overheard, a garbled phrase closer to “They call me the Sheriff of Pussy County, and you’re under arrest!” than anything you thought you were saying. You could call off things right here, but alcohol has disabled the restrictor plate of logic, and 6′6″, 310 pounds looks the same as a Girl Scout after enough turns of Kam’s Shot Wheel. You take a confident swing at a much larger man. Then, this happens:

Champaign County State’s Attorney Julia Rietz says Garrity punched him, fracturing the man’s skull. Rietz says the man is a university student and remained hospitalized Monday.

The only possible advantage to things working out this way? You being unconscious during the malicious hangover afterwards–not a fair trade for massive head injuries, but still a trade. Garrity is suspended until all the cases of the case come out, but his two counts of felony aggravated battery do qualify him for six points in the Fulmer Cup and a bonus point for punching someone so hard their skull broke, bringing the total points awarded to seven points in the Fulmer Cup.

This lapse in twitter protocol could be the result of several things. Since most of you are not accomplished [REDACTED]ologists like ourselves, we’ll give you the rundown of what might be prompting America’s Most Perpetually Improving Coach to tweet incomprehensible, undirected gibberish at 4 in the morning on a weekend.

–Addressing his own reflection in a snack machine in the mirror, then daring it to fight.

–Saw the FailWhale, and naturally assumed it was taunting him; then, gave it the talkin’-to it deserved.

–Left out “@Solitaire” from the message. Was frustrated at the computer’s refusal to give him any threes, or to even recognize the words “Go Fish” no matter how loud he yelled them.

–Was attempting to address the spirit of Sylvester Croom, who visited him clad in rags and chains and warned him he would be visited later that night by the ghosts of the 387 first-half timeouts he has left unused in his coaching career. (What do you mean Croom’s not dead? He’s in St. Louis, and that’s close enough for us.)

This would all be less funny if you did not read the ensuing tweet, posted today.

Corrine Brown, your terminology is infurctious. Gradulations to your daughter, corch. It truly is a spurcial day for you and yours.

Mother: Well, he’s a normal boy in every other way. He just happens to be curiously strong for his age, and–

Pete Carroll: You have a beautiful aura, ma’am. Can I call you Sarah?

Mother: My name’s Dana. There’s no water for miles around. How the hell did you–

Pete: Sarah’s a beautiful name. Almost as beautiful as you and your son here. I’d like to offer your son a scholarship to play football at the University of Southern California. He’s just that good.

Mother: I’m sorry, he’s just three and..I’m sorry, there’s the phone. Excuse me. She picks up the phone.

Mother: Hello?

Lane Kiffin: Put the child on the phone, lady. Just do it.

Mother: This is who?

Kiffin: This is the best thing to ever happen to your son. If he doesn’t take this phone call, he’s gonna end up pumping gas in East Dakota.

Mother: That’s not even a state, sir. And you are–

A knock at the window.

Rick Neuheisel: Hope you don’t mind! I’ll just be here staring in the window and waving for the next fifteen years.

Mother: GET AWAY FROM THE WINDOW. Now, Mr. Carroll, if you’ll–I’m sorry, I’m getting a text message here.

Carroll: Ignore that text message. Focus on my cut abs and listen to me: your son was born to be a Trojan.

Mother: I really appreciate it, but he’s only three, and–excuse me, you can’t just come in here without knocking!

[NAME REDACTED]: Your child’s intense. Likin’ it. He wants to fight me. Right now. I can see it in his. Eyes. Sounds like one for Illinoize. Come on monkey boy. We got all the bananas you can handle at. Ilinoize.

(Flexes, oils up traps, tells secondary to look at their toes when the ball gets near them.)

Mother: Please leave my house.

Neuheisel: Technically I’m not in your house. Tell that to the NCAA!

Carroll: Will Ferrell will sodomize him for you if you want. I have that power.

Mother: No, that’s…Actually, yes. I’d like to see that.

Neuheisel: If that’s what it takes to convince you I’m serious about your son, ma’am, then I’ll take it.

Ferrell: WHO WANTS TO WIN FOREVER?

Neuheisel: Oh god.

[NAME REDACTED:] Sodomy. Recruiting. Little aroused. Guy from Elf. Likin’ it.

Just got a text message from a recruit telling me I’m the sexiest coach. Might be gay. I don’t judge. Just likin’ the intensity. Get him in the program. Have him pick out some shades. Maybe class up the coaches’ uniforms a bit. We need some pizazz. Some action. More lightning bolts on the sleeves.

LIGHTNING BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLTS!!!

(Flexes, calls trick play for a turnover on first play of game.)

Likin’ the effort. Players goin’ all out. Like Josh Brent. Gettin’ a DUI. Happens. Got pulled over with suspended license. Why’s it suspended? Too busy hittin’ the weights. Hang cleanin’ hogs at the Ag building. Hang cleanin’ every day. Can’t file the paperwork because he can’t get full extension at all three points pushin’ paper. Likin’ it.

HAAAAAAAAANG CLEEEEEEEAAAAAAAANS!!!

(Holds press conference with hair on fire. Insists hair is not on fire.)

That’s three points in the Fulmer Cup. Competin’. Scorin’. Three is more than two. Take two outta three and you get one. That’s Illini math. Winner’s math. Take one and divide it one. Guess what you got? That’s right. A winner. Every day, dividin’ one by one and getting one. Or eighth in the Big Ten. That’s one if you divide it by eight, which is really just a bunch a ones all stacked together. We get those sorted out and we’ll be good here at Illinoise. Gonna like it. Gonna compete.

COMPEEEEEEEEEEEEETE!!!

(Checks play card, gestures wildly, mismanages clock and allows time to expire on potential game-winning FG attempt.)

Jon Asamoah, Fellow Illini lineman: Me, too. Their endless variations, the ever-changing dynamics of leadership.

Jeff: I know. For instance, take my high school coach. Way more of an autocratic messiah type. Every problem was his to solve, and only solvable through his individually intuited experience, not through the input of others.

Jon: That’s good in the initial phase of a crisis, but after a while didn’t the team feel irrelevant to the experience? That’s one of the limitations to the autocrat/messiah type. His is a solipsism functioning as the core experience of a group, a contradiction that in most group dynamics cannot sustain itself without the deleterious effects of a cult forming around it.

Jeff: That’s exactly why I like these chats of ours, Jon. You listen and think at the same time.

[A gray-haired man bursts into their conversation.]

[NAME REDACTED]: YOU GOTTA GRIP THE COCK OF VICTORY CLOSE TO THE BASE!!! LIKE THIS!!! WE’RE DOWN BUT YOU GOTTA GRAB IT LIKE THIS BOYS!!!

Jon: Why thank you. You know, I sometimes feel like we have this understanding some people here don’t have about leadership.

Jeff: The illusion of singular control. The myopia of authoritarianism.

Jon: Exactly! Don’t for get the need to delegate responsibly and help others make sure they feel their job is both their own, and necessary for the good of the whole.

Jeff: Precisely, friend. Balance is all in this process.

[NAME REDACTED:] ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING WE ARE DOWN 20 TO WESTERN FUCKING MICHIGAN IN THE FIRST QUARTER I HAVEN’T SLEPT IN SEVENTEEN YEARS HANG CLEAN THE COCK! THE COCK OF VICTORY YOU’VE GOT TO GRAB IT BY THE BASE AND YANK, BOYS, YANK!!!!

Jon: Precisely. Intensity’s just another variable in the mix a leader needs to apply.

Jeff: I’m so glad we have these chats, Jon. Is he talking again?

Jon: Talking’s one word for it, Jeff.

[NAME REDACTED]: JUICE! JUICE! THE COCK OF VICTORY! WE WILL GRAB IT WITH A QUICK KICK ON 3RD DOWN TOGETHER!

Jeff: The autocrat/messiah type, you say?

Jon: Yes. Let us review our case studies after the game, and then relax with the John Adams miniseries and a nice bottle of Cotes du Rhone, shall we?

Jeff: Sounds lovely.

GAMEDAY, 2012.

File footage from 2008 Gameday. Lee Corso head-in-jar not pictured.

Graying Chris Fowler: Big matchup coming this Saturday when the Illini go to Camp Randall to face the Badgers. We’ll be right back with Coach [NAME REDACTED].

Director:…aaaaand out.

Head of Lee Corso in Jar: CHANGE THE LIQUID IN HERE! I CAN SMELL MY OWN FACE!

Kirk Herbstreit: Hey, can we get LC some fresh head punch here?

Fowler: Every day I dream of a life I will never have and a death I cannot confront.

Make-up tech: What did you say? Could you turn to the left a little?

Fowler: Oh, sure. Yes. I’ll do that.

Herbstreit: Hey, how about a little touch-up over here?

Director: Stop it, Kirk. We all know you don’t wear or need makeup on television, and never have!

Herbstreit: I know! HA! (A bluebird lands on his shoulder. He exchanges high-fives with its tiny little wing.

CORSO: WHO’S PUTTING THE HAT ON ME THIS WEEK?

Fowler: Does it matter? Does any of this…matter?

Herbstreit: Hey, where’s the Zooker?

CORSO: HOLY FAHCKING SHIT.

Director: He should be walking up any second, I mean I sent HOLY MOTHER OF GOD

[NAME REDACTED] Heya folks. Glad to be here. Good to see ya. Gotta get on the stage. Questions to answer. Gotta talk to people. Makin’ it happen. That’s the Zooker. Hey, howya doin?

Herbstreit: Hey, Ron? What’s with the meatsuit, bro?

[NAME REDACTED]: All that showering. Too time consuming. Callin’ recruits in the shower. Freakin’ people out. Didn’t like talking to the Zooker naked. 24 minutes of every day spent in the shower. Now, BOOM! 24 minutes the Zooker’s got to make it happen some more. Ya likin’ it?

Corso in Jar: I’M LIKIN’ IT! YOU LOOK CUT, BROTHER!

Fowler: And now horror has made my waking and my nightmares one and the same.

[NAME REDACTED]: Feel free now. Except for the plastic wrap. Gotta put it down wherever I go. Leaving little gooey splotches. Moms don’t like it. Ruins the couches. Shouldn’t shop at Rooms To Go anyway. Helpin’ you out a splotch at a time.

WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNN!!!! [flexes visible muscles, lifts Gameday desk over head.]

Herbstreit: He’s pumped! And oozing a little.

Director: Thirty seconds! Get him miked, and wear a gloves when you do.

Corso in Jar: SO WHEN DO YOU TAKE OFF THE FUNNY SUIT?

[NAME REDACTED]: This is my suit. Gotta like it. Getting better every day. Less skin, more win. That’s what we say at Illinoise.

Director: Get me some fucking paper towels! In 3..2..1…

Fowler: Dear Santa. Short list. Cerebral hemorrhage. Early delivery accepted…AND we’re back!

All that hair. I’m likin’ it. Makes you look like an alien. Or an alien that plays football but with a lotta hair comin’ all down your back. Bucket ‘A Hair. YEAAAAHHHH!!!

[Drives Bentley Golf Cart into brick wall while texting recruit.]

Thinkin’ you all need nicknames. Thinkin’ it makes recruiting better. Thinkin’ gets kids excited. Gotta have excitement. Gotta have passion. Gotta have rugby punts. Gotta have a shower. Ol’ Coach showers seven times a day with a waterproof phone to call recruits. Gotta stay fresh and clean. Keep the Zook Hook primed and ready for duty.

WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN!!!! [performs 38 250 pound hangcleans in a row in shower, drops weight and cracks entire tile floor into spidery shards.]

You!

I’m callin’ you Blackbeard, ’cause you’re black. Gotta beard, too. Blackbeard. Maybe you like piratin’. Booty. We’re all likin’ the booty. Especially me. LustyLatinas.com. Subscription. Wife found it. Not. Happy.

REGRETTING NOT USING THE COMPANY CARRRRRD!!!!

[Fails to score from the 5, misses a 4th and 1, loses to Minnesota.]

Gotta multitask. Gotta do squats and study at the same time. Watch this.

BLOCK!! What’s the biggest challenge in theorizing political science?

Eric Block, Illini OL and Poli Sci Major: (grunting 600 pound squat) Grr…the…inabilty to…predict or model…outcomes of multivariate…AAHAIIIIIGGHGHH…situations….

[drops weight, collapses holding back in ominous way, twitches.]

[REDACTED]: Wrong! HA! Don’t even know if he is. Walk it off, Block! Likin’ the effort.

Wantin’ the fans to wave towels. Wantin’ ‘em to get excited. Wantin’ ‘em to multi-task. People get excited about things. ‘Scuse me.

[Tackles copy machine, rips it in half and drinks ink cartridge.]

WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNN!!!!!!!

See? Excited. People get excited ’bout a lotta things. Football. Family. Arson. Lotsa things. What’s better than football? Glad I asked. Football…and towels. And football towels.

[REDACTED'S] got it goin’ on. The [REDACTED ZONE]’s like a big spirit helicopter. First it lifts you. Then the whole stadium takes off. We’re floatin’. Recruits love it. Big floatin’ stadium. Unless the fans stop spinnin’ the towels. Then we fall. Maybe die.

LIIIIIIIIIIIIFT!!!! [push jerks a 350 pound mahogany desk over his head twelve times, spilling post-its and energy drink cans in wild maelstrom from it in the process.]

Gotta take some chances in life, though. Gotta go for two at one point in the game where it makes no sense to go for two. Gotta rugby punt. Gotta shake things up. Gotta keep the opposition on their toes. Gotta beat Ohio State and lose to Northwestern. Gotta have a gas fight with total strangers at a gas station and dare someone to light a match once in a while.

(Yup. The gas fight. So many flames. So much screaming. Didn’t even see it coming. Five dead in Joliet. Likin’ it. So did the recruits. “Nico Bellic, man!” Whoever that is.)

COMPEEEEEEEEEEETE!!!! [passes out from lack of food or water, as he has forgotten to ingest either for three days straight.]

(HT: RL)

PS. No idea what this is about. Illegal licensure. Wrong name. Not gettin’ it.

Mendenhall doesn’t exactly divulge what caused him to turn on [NAME REDACTED]. Cue insinuations and blanket statement about former, unfavored coach:

“To tell you the truth, as long as [NAME REDACTED] is there it will be hard for me to support the University of Illinois football team.”

Since they are getting better and better each day, Rashard, your support will not be needed. Captain Correctable himself fired back by saying that it was too bad Mendenhall was disgruntled, which was diplomatic enough…but kitty has claws, oh yes he does.

To me, he was a pretty good player and it paid off that he’s going to have an opportunity to be a heckuva pro football player as well.

Note the verbiage there: pretty good. Damning with faint praise for the guy who chipped in 1600 yards total rushing last season for your team? Well played, sir–you have spent your offseason soaking in the delicate comedies of manners of Noel Coward. Glad you got that copy of Private Lives we sent you and put it to good use, you rapscallion you.

There might be a more concrete reason Mendenhall has a beef with [NAME REDACTED], though.

Enter further quasi-journalistic content: while at the NFL draft this year, one of the key knocks we heard on Mendenhall was his inability to grok blocking assignments in the Illinois offense. In other words: Mendenhall would have started earlier in his career, but it took him so long to understand what to do on passing downs that he languished on the bench in favor of talent that, while not physically faster than Mendenhall, was at least mentally faster than Mendenhall.

A knock like this may only come from one source and one source only: coaches. Coaches customarily exchange frank evaluations of talent with NFL scouts, both to bolster their own relationships with scouts and to portray themselves as fair dealers with goods to push on behalf of the program. The danger in honesty comes in non-confidential honesty; that is, when this kind of thing gets out, gets back to your agent, and then becomes a chip on the shoulder you chuck in the general direction of the coach with the help of the first post-draft interview you can get.

It is the only theory we’ve got, but it makes enough sense, especially when you consider how long it took to get Mendenhall on the field full-time, and the pungent degree of public vitriol heaped [REDACTED'S WAY] in public.

Sadly, there were no “Chimp versus Navy SEALs” games during [NAME REDACTED]’s visit.

Again, good on any coach who spends his free time doing something like this, even if he’s on our permanent angercrack list.

ps. Spurrier and Willingham set to dual visit the S.S. Byron Nelson, strictly for patriotic purposes only.

Freshman football player Erique Robertson pleaded not guilty to three class-four felonies Monday, one day after head coach Ron Zook suspended him indefinitely. The 19-year-old linebacker is charged with reckless discharge of a firearm and two counts of aggravated unlawful use of weapons.

According to a Champaign Police report, Robertson was also charged at the scene with not having the proper identification for a firearm and obstructing justice.

If the charges hold, that’s three points a felony charge plus the misdemeanor points…all tallying up a whopping 11 points for the Illini, who if you’ll recall leaped to a sizeable lead last year with the breakup of a burglary ring involving two players. This eleven point total would ensconce the Illini in the catbird seat with a one-point lead over Missouri, and also puts Erique Robertson in the running for the Ellis T. Jones III Award for individual achievement.

Remember: when [NAME REDACTED] talks about the need for proper gun handling, he’s not talking about firearms man.

Guns, baby.

Illini are indeed getting better and better, and Ohio State runs aground at home.

Pat White. Thursday night. Louisville’s defense. This could get ugly.

THURSDAY NIGHT LIGHTS
LOUISVILLE at WEST VIRGINIA (7:30 ET • ESPN)
The classic “Time Machine” game: West Virginia is still a frontrunner, and even Louisville is still technically alive in the Big East at 2-2 in the conference, but this barely consequential showdown bears no resemblance to the clash of unbeaten, BCS-bound titans it was last year, or that ESPN no doubt expected again. In lieu of far-reaching national ramifications, prepare thyself, viewer, for pointless hype of Pat White and Steve Slaton directed at certain individual awards, and at least two replays of a certain play that propelled a certain color announcer to said award more than two fucking decades ago, and some pro scout drooling over Brian Brohm moments before he’s intercepted for severely underthrowing an open man.
Watch for: End zone angles of West Virginia’s unearthly blocking, opening mile-wide lanes against overpursuing defenses since 2005. Also: Noel Devine, who will do something completely jaw-dropping in place of Slaton in the second half, because that what Noel Devine does.

Provincialism: Tennessee State at Samford (6:00 ET, ESPNU), TCU at BYU (9:00 ET, Versus)

TGIF, UNLESS YOU HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO THAN WATCH…

RUTGERS at ARMY (8:00 ET • ESPN2)
Our brave future fighting men have played one much stronger team tough at home each of the last two years  –Iowa State in 2005, Texas A&M last year – but still carries something like a twenty-eight year losing streak against winning teams. I didn’t look that up, but you’ll hear the real number at the first sign of Rutgers distress Friday, and then a few times again until RU lays down the hammer. But make no mistake: sooner or later, the hammer will be laid. Army is sloooooow. Watch for: The play Army safety Caleb Campbell hits Ray Rice so hard his helmet pops off, and Rice is revealed to actually be a fifty-story-tall monster made of flames the Black Knights must work together to slay before they can graduate to victory, aka an extended tour in Afghanistan.

(Yes, I know that was a Marines commercial, but they’re all shooting at the same targets. Anyway, the Army monster as personified by Ray Rice is way bigger).

Provincialism: Fordham at Columbia (7:00 ET, YES), Bowling Green at Eastern Michigan (7:30 ET, ESPNU)

SATURDAY – EARLY AFTERNOON: THERE IS A RACCOON. FLUSH HIM FROM THE WALL IN TIME FOR…

Main Course: Michigan at Wisconsin (Noon ET • ESPN)
P.J. Hill may not play, meaning the Wolverines may have to actually hit a moving target, a tall task to date for this particular version of the Michigan D. Then again, the Badgers ran for all of twelve yards without Hill at Ohio State last week and have allowed an average of 221 yards rushing to the last four non-MAC offenses they’ve faced, three of them in losses. So Mike Hart’s ankle does not necessarily need to be 100 percent. Watch for: Okay, like, this may not be a big deal for Midwesterners and other Northern types, and there’s all like global warming and whatever, right? But for those of us who grew up sweating in the desolate Southland well into the Fall months, even a glimpse of snow on the tube is an exotic, vicarious thrill. Football in a blizzard? We don’t want to be there, we just want to see it. The game’s already an instant classic. OMG hi-def snowstorm! The god who denies us this seasonal pleasure is a cruel numen indeed.

On the Other Channel…
WAKE FOREST at CLEMSON (Noon ET • ESPN2)
Impromptu Geico trivia: which one of these teams still has a chance to catch Boston College in the Atlantic division? Answer: both of them – the Deacons and Tigers are 4-2 apiece, though Wake is eliminated by tie-breaking procedures if B.C. beats Maryland Saturday. If it wins, Clemson can set up a winner-take-all showdown with the Eagles in Death Valley next week. Watch for: Half of Clemson’s team is knocked out of the game after appropriately-named defensive lineman Jock McKissic loses his balance on the way down the hill during the Tigers’ opening ceremony, triggering a chain reaction that claims the entire starting secondary and most members of the receiving corps. C.J. Spiller is spared, however, by alertly leaping over the entire mass of humanity, performing a double salto with a full twist on the first flip and landing on his feet. Spiller then runs for 274 yards and two touchdowns as part of a five-man offense, only to watch Wake steal the win in the closing seconds (if you don’t think Wake would let a five-man offense hang around for 59 minutes, you don’t know Wake. Last second is just how some of us roll).

Bacher: Works things out, but…does he know how to change?

INDIANA at NORTHWESTERN (Noon ET • ESPN Classic)
What, exactly, is classic about this third tier pillowfight, other than its mediocrity? Both teams are collectively 0-5 against opponents with a winning record; Indiana is already technically bowl-eligible at 6-4, and Northwestern is a win away at 5-5. If the Wildcats win and both teams end up 6-6 (they’ll be underdogs next week against Purdue and Illinois, respectively), both could fall short of the conference’s seventh-place spot in the Motor City Bowl. Hopefully good enough for the Motor City Bowl! Classic! Watch for: Northwestern quarterback C.J. Bacher, whose look is best described as “vaguely Asian,” whose greatest achievement is yet to be seen and who is not afraid to admit that his favorite song on his iPod is Boyz II Men’s “Water Runs Dry.”

TEXAS A&M at MISSOURI (12:30 ET • FSN)
The Tigers offer an interesting juxtaposition for A&M: you have the Aggie offense on one hand, and what the Aggie offense is trying to be on the other. Every positive attribute you hear ascribed to Stepehen McGee during the first few minutes of the broadcast, apply it to Chase Daniel, as well, only for real. You won’t have to do that for very long. Watch for: Dennis Franchione slowly removing his headset, handing off his clipboard, putting his hands in his pocket and walking off the field in the middle of the third quarter following a moment of epiphany. What’s the point, you know?

Provincialism: A rare treat for SEC fans and unfortunate transplants to said territory, who get – count ‘em – not one but TWO! exciting Lincoln Financial options at 12:30: Alabama at Mississippi State and Arkansas at Tennessee. Double the graininess! Double the Yellawood ads! Double the Daves! (You know they’re going to find three more guys named ‘Dave’ for the extra duty right?) Everyone else can pick those games up live via the generous feed on Yahoo! Sports.

Elsewhere: Penn State at Temple (Noon ET, ESPNU), Michigan State at Purude (Noon ET, Big Ten Network), Minnesota at Iowa (Noon ET, Big Ten Network), North Carolina at North Carolina State (Noon ET, Lincoln Financial), South Florida at Syracuse (Noon ET, Metro Atlantic Sports Network/ERTV), Amherst at Williams (Noon ET, Northeast Sports Network), New Hampshire at Massachusetts (Noon ET, SNY…for two other states’ flagship schools?), Villanova at Towson State (Noon ET, CSNA), Kansas State at Nebraska (12:30, Versus), Lafayette at Holy Cross (1:00 ET, CSTV), Yale at Princeton (1:00 ET, YES)

LATE AFTERNOON: KEEP AN EYE ON THE COWS, MA

Main Course: AUBURN at GEORGIA (3:30 ET • CBS)
You may not realize it, but this is the oldest rivalry in the South, forging valiantly into a second century of tradition that would equally horrify both sides of the game’s segregationist founders. It’s one thing to let muscular negroes run the same ball as the white players, but foot-ball without the ceremonial mid-drive heifer rape? The Colonel won’t stand for it! Watch For: Knowshon Moreno, conquistador of homely co-eds campus-wide and the rest of the SEC’s worst nightmare for the next three-plus years.

On the Other Channel…
Your Mouse-Eared ESPN on ABC Overlords Bestow Upon an Unworthy and Grateful Public…
ILLINOIS at OHIO STATE / FLORIDA STATE at VIRGINIA TECH / TEXAS TECH at TEXAS / ARIZONA STATE at UCLA (3:30 ET • ABC/ESPN)

Look at this map and tell me: how did they decide on those precise boundaries in Idaho, Montana and Wyoming for who would get Ohio State-Illinois and who would get UCLA-Arizona State? “Remember, boys, Southeast Idaho, they love ‘em some Big Ten. They can’t get enough. But Montana? They better get the game in L.A. or there’ll be hell to pay, believe you me. And whatever you, do, don’t even think about trying to put on Ohio State in that one little diamond-shaped sliver in Western Wyoming. We all remember the Laramie Riots of ‘92. Yep, live and learn, boys. Live and learn.”
Watch For: The comical contrast of Jim Tressel’s icy resolve and Coach [Redacted]’s goofy pep, ending in a long closeup of one of them fighting back tears as the clock winds down on an afternoon of unambiguous punishment in the fourth quarter. I won’t tell you which one.

AIR FORCE at NOTRE DAME (2:30 ET • NBC)
The Irish are a slight (+2.5) underdog at home, to a physically overmatched service academy that runs the triple option, which makes complete sense to anyone who saw last week’s game. And Jimmy Clausen is back in the saddle for the game that could officially make these Irish the losingest team in school history? What kind of lottery did the rest of the country win? Watch For: Schadenfreude doesn’t die. It multiplies.

Provincialism: Colorado State at New Mexico (1:00 MT, Mtn.), Boise State at Utah State (1:00 MT, KJZZ/KTVB), Connecticut at Cincinnati (3:30 ET, ESPNU), Wyoming at Utah (1:30 MT, CSTV), Furman at Georgia Southern (3:30 ET, SportsSouth), Kent State at Northern Illinois (3:00 CT, Cox Sports-Chicago), New Mexico State at San Jose State (1:00 PT, Comcast/Aggie Vision), East Carolina at Marshall (4:30 ET, MASN, WITN)

HERE COMES THE NIGHT

Main course: Your Mouse-Eared ESPN on ABC Overlords Bestow Upon an Unworthy and Grateful Public…
BOSTON COLLEGE at MARYLAND / KANSAS at OKLAHOMA STATE / USC at CALIFORNIA (8:00 ET • ABC/ESPN)
Oh, read it and weep, folks:

It’s the Kansas-Oklahoma State game you’ve always dreamed of, consumer. No, no – thank us later. Watch For: Visually seeing the final molecules of air go out of Cal’s dream season. Jeff Tedford will try sustaining its last vestiges by holding his breath and puffing out his cheeks, until Pete Carroll claps his hands on either side of Tedford’s face to force out the rest.

On the Other Channel…
FLORIDA at SOUTH CAROLINA (7:45 ET • ESPN)
The Gamecocks have strategically timed their annual offensive revival to coincide with a defensive collapse of potentially staggering proportions, just in time for Tim Tebow, Percy Harvin, Gators brittle young secondary and your staggering windfall on the ‘over.’ Watch For: The tragic destruction of the “Cockaboose Railroad” when the lead cockaboose strikes an absentminded Tebow crossing the tracks prior to the game.

Can nothing stop Tebow’s trail of rail destruction?!

VIRGINIA at MIAMI (7:15 ET • ESPN2)
What’s worse: that the Cavs are in first place in the ACC Coastal with the nation’s 104th-ranked offense, or that Miami still has a chance to catch them with a win? Welcome to the new ACC, baby. Watch For: There is no acceptable reason to watch any game in the ACC, especially one featuring one offense quarterbacked by Kirby “1 of 14” Freeman and another coached by Al Groh. Holly helpfully suggested the following themes:

Sundresses versus hot pants.
Juleps versus 40s.
Maypoles vs. Luther Campbell.
Popped collars versus popped caps.

I don’t think they wear sundresses in Virginia, but whatever a ‘Maypole’ is, with apologies to Luther, I’m there.

FRESNO STATE at HAWAII (11:00 ET • ESPN2)
It’s a midnight tradition: Random West Coast game! Random West Coast game! Watch For: If you can’t drunkenly watch Colt Brennan hang 450 yards on a team you will not be able to identify in the morning before passing out, you are not American.

Provincialism: Stanford at Washington State (3:30 PT, Fox Spors Northwest/Bay Area/Pacific), Baylor at Oklahoma (5:30 CT, FSN), Central Florida at UAB (6:30 CT, CSTV), Washington at Oregon State (7:15 PT, FSN), San Diego State at UNLV (9:00 MT, CSTV)