Via Dawg Sports, of course, comes the side-splittingest breaking tale of the entire offseason: UGA mutant star Knowshon Moreno being forced to write a two-page essay last year on noise pollution following a writeup for loud music in the dorms. I cannot encourage you strongly enough to click through to the documentation itself. Before we even get to what he wrote, there’s the hyperreaction of the Boss Queen of the Conduct Review Board (naturally named “Brad”), who announced—go on, say this out loud without sneering: “…that Knowshon had not fulfilled the original conditions of the sanction regarding formatting of the research paper”. It gets better (emphasis added for spite):

On October 31, 2006, Knowshon responded to Brad but resubmitted the same incorrect sanction. Brad once again informed Knowshon that he needed to format the paper correctly and resubmit the sanction. In addition, he warned Knowshon about the possibility of having his record flagged…

And then there’s the essay itself. From the conclusion:

To show the responsibility that I have gained over this situation I was recently asked in my room one night after quiet hours if I could do a back flip. My answer to this was yes because I can, but I kindly stated that I would not be able to perform this act at the time because I did not want to disturb my fellow neighbors below and around me.

He goes on to state that he will resolve this issue by living off-campus next year. The document further informs us that Knowshon’s record “remains flagged.” Knowshon himself….does not.

Clearly, the wrath of Brad has had devastating and far-reaching consequences.

We’re off to Vegas to cover the first weekend of the tournament for The Sporting News, and it promises to be Con Air awesome, minus the Nicholas Cage Skynrd locks. Follow our descent into madness–and really, the aim is to destroy this gig and never, ever let anyone come close to our rapid mad post rate ever again–one of several ways.

The Sporting Blog. Not only does it have our interview with Ric Flair, but it will have our posts on what Vegas during the first weekend of March Madness looks, feels, smells, and feels like, including the part where we wind up drinking $2000/bottle cognac from goatskins with the sheikhs of Dubai at a live man versus panther death match in the hills of Nevada.

Step One, this. Step Two, fire up laptop. Step three: MASSIVE PROFITS.

Flickr. I’ll be posting photos live from the fracas, as well, so keep up by following here.

Twitter. For those too ADDled to even get through this blog post, we’ll be posting on the EDSBS Twitter feed muy rapido all day and most of the night.

Your guest host will be Oops Pow Surprise from Black Heart, Gold Pants , a demented gent who promises to not only provide the Curious Index, but an installment of “Things Black and Gold People Like,” the latest in our series of fan profiles. We will usurp the Iowa jokes by saying the only one we know for sure: meth.

Godspeed. And wish the same to us. If we fail to come back from this mission, know that we went to bat country happily.

The departure of Rich Rodriguez won’t be a quiet one. Kick over a log, and you’ll find lawyers. Then, kick the lawyers over, and you’ll find clowns feeding on dead midgets. But inside those midgets? You guessed it: midget parasitic lawyers.

This abstract feeding frenzy describes the potential scene of Rodriguez’s post-departure litigationfest, beginning in earnest with the announcement that Rodriguez will contest having to pay the $4 million buyout himself for leaving for the Michigan job.

Ken Kendrick, a primary West Virginia athletics donor and close friend of Rodriguez, said Tuesday he had knowledge of lawyers’ intentions to contest the buyout.

“I will be a witness to any and all proceedings that occur,” said Kendrick, who is the managing general partner of Major League Baseball’s Arizona Diamondbacks. “They baited and switched him. Rich was boxed in by a university and athletic department that was arrogant, mean-spirited and intellectually bankrupt.

Kendrick is the Big Name Rich Guy Donorman named in many of these rumors, but there’s a significant chunk of WVU’s boosterati who feel this way. This was one of the swirling rumors surrounding the departure of Coach DickRod: that he didn’t get along with WVU AD Pastilong because of unfulfilled promises and an overall high-handedness, including reneging on some basic, teeny little details like allowing players to keep their textbooks at the end of the semester. This doesn’t seem like big shit until you think of it in terms of say, your roommate’s inability to transport an empty coke can from the coffee table to the trash can. Do it once, and it’s an oversight; do it for six years, and it’s a testament to their complete contempt for you and themselves.

Lawyers! LET’S GET READY TO MUMBUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUULLLLLLL….and rack up those billable hours you’ve been wasting on the internet.