EDSBS » my god the Orgeron

WAR TIME!!! TAKE IT OUTSIDE!!!

Orson Swindle — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 15:42:15 +0000

I WANDERED lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o’er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
But fuck all that shit. Here’s Ed Orgeron firing some bitches up at the Tennessee Women’s Clinic.

The original Wordsworth poem would have been so much better with that as its intro, especially if they’d had embeddable Youtube in the late 18th century. As Clay notes, this is comedic perfection, and further proof that Ed Orgeron clearly breathes twice the oxygen per inhalation as any other person on earth. If four word, two part crowd participation phrases were Nobel prizes, Ed Orgeron could call up Linus Pauling in hell and tell him just what a bitch he was for only having two to his credit.

(HT: Clay, of course.)

COACH O TO TURN MOVIE INTO GREATEST FILM EVER MADE

Orson Swindle — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 16:15:44 +0000

The Blind Side is being made into a movie. It will feature Tim McGraw and Sandra Bullock as the Tuohys, and Quinton Aaron, who you may remember as “bodyguard 2″ from Law and Order, as Michael Oher. Tim McGraw’s in it, so you know it’s ~~total shit~~ gonna be awesome.

Actually, the whole thing just got scrapped. Goodbye, heartwarming triumph of the spirit; hello, erotic masterpiece/wildlife documentary:

Speaking of which, a while back a buddy and I had wondered about who Hollywood would get to play Orgeron in the movie about Ole Miss offensive lineman Michael Oher. Turns out, Orgeron is going to play the role himself. Next week he’s slated to go to Atlanta to do his scene with Sandra Bullock, the star of the movie.

“But I, John Lee Hancock, didn’t write a love scene into the movie!!!” DASSATOOBADDIRECTAHBOAH!!! And thus prepare yourself for the most mindbending, violent, pec-flexing love scene since Team America redefined what puppet sex meant to you. What started as a 100 minute tale of love and redemption is now a 20 minute football sitcom episode with a five-hour sexcapade sandwiched in the middle. You’re welcome, America.

Coach O, you were supposed to wear more for this scene. It’s 45 seconds of dialogue. NOTANNAHMOAH!!!

The Blind Side was probably headed for a PG-13 before this, but once you get Ed Orgeron in a room with Sandra Bullock and say the words “ACTION!”, there’s really no keeping it from crossing over into NC-17. Furniture will be smashed. Available foodstuffs will be used for unspeakable acts. Cajun butter will be employed. If you can imagine the Incredible Hulk in musth on a Viagra-spiked vacation to the beaches of hell, you may come close to approximating what will be captured on film that night–if the equipment doesn’t melt from the very sight of so much animal lust poured into a single fragile lens. (And it will, if it’s not eaten first.)

MACK BROWN: THE PIED PIPER OF FEBRUARY

Orson Swindle — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 18:54:20 +0000

Texas already has ten commitments for 2010, making them the football program most like your friend who has this all under control, has already applied for their car tags for the year, is quite sure of their retirement savings, and who loses no paperwork. This may explain the odd glee surrounding Mack Brown’s early fiascogasms in bowl games at Texas: being so well-prepared not only makes you successful (which people hate) but also makes your failures particularly tasty, because you are the annoying asshole who remembered sunscreen (Why, yes, thank you, I do need some) but who is flabbergasted you can’t find your 2003 tax returns. (Um…did we file that year?)

Thus LSUFreek’s homage to the Pied Piper of February, which we imagine being set to some kind of Zamfir-on-PCP kind of flute-noodling.

Texas also still has a shot at Bryce Brown for 2009, the running back prospect splitting the Terrelle Pryor Spot for DRAMATIC LATE ANNOUNCEMENTS OMG. Brown will visit Tennessee this weekend, where Ed Orgeron and Lane Kiffin will commit at least thirty secondary violations by simulating the orgy scene from Eyes Wide Shut, immediately self-report, and really all hope that woman in the mask in the corner whipping the hide off an old man wasn’t Pat Summit introducing Monte Kiffin to the sweet surrender of BDSM.

Worse still, they’ll all deny it was the single most arousing thing any of them had ever seen.

KIFFYKINS KIFFYKINS KIFFYKINS KIFFYKINS

Orson Swindle — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 17:43:18 +0000

You…you’re probably not high enough to watch this video. Too bad, because we now imagine this playing in Lane Kiffin’s head on a perpetual loop as he totes his huge, white, cartoon-paneled head through the bowels of Neyland Stadium.

He likes to coach. Teh futbawl.

MESSAGE BOARDER OF THE YEAR

Orson Swindle — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 16:04:33 +0000

Memphis area recruit and number one pick in the state Marlon Brown opted to attend Georgia instead of Tennessee and Ohio State. He’ll explain it for you himself here, but it all came down to ASUMMTHIN DACOACHO DONNA WHILEA VISSITIN DAFAMILEEE.

“But then Tennessee did something wrong at one point…”

“You said Tennessee did something wrong. ?”

“Coach O came at me the wrong way. He said a couple of things to me and my family…”

“Your grandmother was involved…”

“Oh, yeah. She was very upset.”

What did Coach O do to piss off the number one recruit in Tennessee? Offer the traditional Orgeron greeting of a firm grapple followed by an elbow to the head? Bring his usual gift of fermented deer hoof salad? Arrive at the house and sit on the couch while excreting his usual low level of pure, aerosolized kerosene, thus seeping the apholstery full of flammable gas fumes?

None of these, actually. Enter message board greatness to the rescue! (Click for larger.)

Yes, let’s accuse a reformed alcoholic of suffering a relapse just prior to walking into a recruit’s house. That’s a ten out of ten on the message board ninja shitbag scale, and further evidence that in the filthy scrum of recruiting, there are no innocents.

VOLS NEW LEEGAH EGGSTRARDINRAH GENNAHMUN

Orson Swindle — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 15:56:39 +0000

GENNAHMEN!

AYE HAFFA BROUGHT YAHERE FUHDAGREATAH GOODAH DA YOUKNEEVERSITAH AH TENNAHSEE!!!

YOU, ALAN CROOMTERMAIN, ANNA YOUR POWERS AH TRAY-SHAH SEEKIN’!!!

ANNA YOU, DADDY KIFFAH-KINS, WIFFA YO MAGNIFAHCENT MOUNTAINHEADANNA COVERTWOPOWAHS!!!

ANNAH LANCE-A-THOMPSON, MASTAH RAKROOTAH ANNAFINEPURVEYOR OFFA DA PELTZ!!! NOWWA COMMININNAFROMMA DAALABAMMAH!!! DA MONEY, SHE AHTALKINN, OHSHE PRAKTICALEEAHSANGIN’!!!

KIFFYKINNZ!!! GETTAHME THEBEEFFAJERKEE ANNAREDBULLAH VICTREE!!!

Lane Kiffn: Yessir.

A VERY ORGERON CHRISTMAS

Orson Swindle — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 17:00:07 +0000

PACK UP DEMMA TASTY FLATMEETZ
STUFF MAH STOCKING WITH JERKY
ISSA CHRISSMAS WITH DA ORG’RON
AINNA FINAH PLACE TO BEEEEE….

POUR DA KEROSENE IN THE LANTAHN
AND DEN SOME IN MA CUP
ITA CHRISTMAS IN DA BAYOUUUU
TURN DAT ZYDECO UP

PAPA NOEL BRING MEA SHOTGUN
FILLED WIFFA BRANDNEWSHELLS
BRING ME ALL DEM REKROOTSZ
WHO RUNNAFASTA HELL

PAPA NOEL BRING DA REDBULL
THAT GIVEAWINGS TO FLY
RIDE YOU MAGIC GATAHZ
TO ORG’RON HOUSE TONIIIIGHT

GONE FIXA HEAPA CRAWDAD
DONT TAKE DEMMA TURDLINE OUT!
THAT TURDLINE COMEFROMMA NATURE
DONNATHROW THAT GOODNESS OUT!

FIXA THIRTYPOUND A SNAPPAH
AND ANOTHER TENNA CHICKIN
PUTTA GATAH INNA FRYER
FOR THE GOODNESS FINGAH-LICKIN’

EATA HEAPA FOOD AND BEVRAGE
DRINKA KEROSENE AND JUICE
WRESTLE ACHRISTMAS BEAR
WATCHA ORGERON GETTA LOOSE!!!

PILE DEM KIDDIES IN DA AIRBOAT
FORDA MIDNIGHT BAYOU RIDE
IF DEM KIDDIES BE REAL TOUGH
DEY NOT FALLOVAH DA SIDE!!!

LIGHT UP DAT OLE YOOLLOG
AND RUNNAWAY RIGHT QUICK!

DAT YOOLLOG FULLA C4
THAT YOOLOG HELLASICK!

DAT YOOLLOG MAKAH FIYAH
DAT FIYAH BE SO BRITE!
DA HOUSEMIGHT BE A-FLATTENED
BUT WE ALLBE WARMTONITE

A ROUNDA JINGLE BELLS
GLASSA KEROSENE AND YOU
MAH BLANKET MADEA MANHIDE
KEEP USSA HAPPY WHOLE NIGHT THRU

SO CHRISSMASS WIFFA ORG’RON
NO FINER WAY TO SAY
MERRAH CHRISSAMASSA FROM DA BAYOU:
LAISSEZ LES BON TEMPS ROULEZ!!!

DACOACHO FARE-WEH SPEECH

Orson Swindle — Mon, 26 Nov 2007 20:58:40 +0000

Every Day Should Be Lemsday has Coach O’s farewell speech. Da rebbah done madeah bigassah mistakeah!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Orson Swindle — Sat, 24 Nov 2007 17:20:03 +0000

The Orgeron is out at Ole Miss, according to Joe Schad of ESPN, who’s practically an honorary coroner today after announcing both Callahan’s termination and now Orgeron.

We’re heartbroken. The Orgeron Era can’t die. He just…he just can’t. He’s big, tough, and aggressive, just like a Hummer! He’s gettin’ pelts on da rakrootin’ trail! He gotta da Jevan Snead a-comin intah da Oxfahd fo-a throwing da heapah touchdowns in 2008!

In all seriousness, this is sad as hell. We’re left looking through the scrapbook now, watching the photos bubble up under our tears.

Just one more time, for old times sake. Play it Jo-Jo. YOU PLAYED IT FOR HIM, NOW PLAY IT FOR US. (Slams fist down drunkenly, tears gleaming in our eyes.) Play it again, Jo-Jo.

We imagine Robert Khayat did this over the phone, since you’d have to engrave the Orgeron’s name on magical shackles a la Hellboy to restrain him before telling him he couldn’t come back to work in person. They’d have to call in Rasputin for the whole thing.

This leaves the pesky question of who will take the Ole Miss job. Exquisitely timed as always, Ole Miss has fired a coach just in time to compete against Texas A&M, Michigan, Nebraska, and god knows what other larger, more monied programs will fire their coaches in the next ten minutes–not to mention the vacancies gaping after the guys who fill those positions leave their current positions.

DA COACH O DONNAUNDASTAND DA PILLATHEFT

Orson Swindle — Mon, 19 Nov 2007 17:33:16 +0000

OOOOOOO DaCoachO donnaunnastandhoww daOleMissaWildBoyz stealapillahs frommadahotel! CoachOgonnaevahextreme tomakkah daOleMissaRebbah sohappahatta daOleMissahcampus. Nowdeygonnaroon dareputashunuhdaschool fohthirtypillahs annasixclokkaradios! CoachO
gonnahdrinkkaeightaRedBull annasevenpacksabeefjerkeh ahjussathinkinboutit!

Firssawesleepinabarnna likkaonebiggahappyfamluh! Nopillahsjustaeverahoneonnadastraw, keepinwarmwiffadahorsesannadaanimals offadafarm. ButtadaWildBoyzcomplainnaboutdacold, dainsectwhatbiteinthenight, annawakinnaup wiffadaCoachOtrynarippadaheadoff inadreamabout fightinonewhoppaoffagatah! OOOO-WEEEE datwassomefunnahtimes! Buttahplayarevolt gotteminnadadorms wiffadapillahsanpipeheatanalldat.

Buttanow, playahstakin dapillahzfrommadahotel, annaCoachogottadasolutionfromma supplahanddademandside. Firssahsuspendalltwennyofum; thenwehittadahboostahmen fodahclinchah indarecrootinprocessah thattahgettahdemOleMissRebbah todaESSEESEE ahChampyunshippah:

DAHEATPRAHDOOCIN’ BODYPILLAHFODAH OLEMISSAHREBBAH
ATHALETICDORMAH!!!!

WEGONNAHRUNEMBABEE!!! DAPILLAHCHAMPYUNS HEPUSSAHLANDABIGRECROOT, andahtakeussatodah nexlevelboi! Issaonhunnapuhsent hypoallagenix anna ugonomicallistacallyshapta fordamossferoshussleepinahyoulife! PlussaCoachOget damodelwiffa daFossfilfodoze wiffadaallahgiestodagoosedown.

SHAMELESS PLUG: MEAT MARKET

Orson Swindle — Mon, 29 Oct 2007 17:59:05 +0000

All disclosures first: we’ve talked with Bruce Feldman on the phone, met him in person once, and are quoted once in his new book on recruiting, Meat Market. We’re also quoted in several other books, as well, including Gridskipper’s upcoming guide to sex clubs around the world. (Pg. 256, Bangkok section. “No club is more welcoming to the homely, naked, and needy male than Club Superpussy! A thousand cocktails to them! Come for the awkward group sex, stay for the Pad Thai special!”)

It’s great. Buy it.

Nevertheless, despite having contact with us, Feldman is a masterful observational writer, disappearing into the background of Meat Market as the eye for a year’s worth of frenetic recruiting by a modern master: Ed “The” Orgeron, who let Feldman tag along as Coach O ran through a zillion hours of tape and several reservoirs of Red Bull and coffee in his quest to restock the cabinet with talent at Ole Miss.

The book’s a meticulously researched book, but don’t mistake the precision for a lack of blood. The story’s got all the life it needs in one Ed Orgeron, who seems to be bigger in real-life than we could ever make him here in the blogosphere. We’ll just tempt with two scenes from the book that involve actual, witnessed events or conversations during a typical Orgeron recruiting process.

One: Jerrell Powe and Ed Orgeron actually squared off in Powe’s high school parking lot. Someone saw them practicing swim moves and called the school to tell them that “a huge white man and a huge black man” were wrestling in the parking lot.

Two: An actual conversation between TE coach Hugh Freeze and Ed Orgeron about a recruit who fancied Ole Miss after a visit.

Freeze: “I think he really likes us because you wrestled with him.”

Orgeron: “Shit, that son-of-a-bitch was strong. After he pinched me under the arms, it was ON.”

We can’t sell the book any more convincingly than that. We woke up at 5 a.m. the other day to read it. It’s a peek into the least understood portion of the football year, and a rousing portrait of someone truly obsessed with the process.

Buy it.

CURIOUS INDEX, 10/25/07

Orson Swindle — Thu, 25 Oct 2007 15:25:05 +0000

Grawp not need logic.

Last night on air with Rece Davis, giant/commentator Trevor Matich emphatically stated that:

Bobby Bowden is still one of the top 5 coaches in America today.

Then, seconds later, paraphrased, Matich essentially said that Florida State doesn’t develop their players, and that even with the addition of new coaches Rick Trickett and Jimbo Fisher, the offense wasn’t producing. Which would mean they’re not good, and most likely (implicitly) as a result of Florida State not having the scouring eye of a coaching CEO examining the nitty-gritty details like player development and the myriad pieces that go into play in the process.

He’s huge and also hugely inconsistent with his logic! Trevor Matich! Don’t try to outrun him, either. He’ll just drop from his plane (which he flies, of course) and crush you like Colossus falling from the X-plane.

Textboook probe at Alabama yields much finger-pointing and imminent proclamations of doom, for complete story see any football benefits scandal-in-a-teapot in Alabama in the past decade. T-minus 10 seconds before an Auburn fan writes in with comment saying “NO SERIOUSLY THEY’RE IN REAL TROUBLE THIS TIME!!!!”

Two Michigan State players have been charged with unarmed robbery in connection with an April incident at a store in East Lansing, showing that once again, when it comes down to crunch time, the Spartans lack weapons and still sometimes get the job done.

Guy Morriss in Waco says you haven’t really been paying attention to Baylor football. You caught us! All that losing and not being good will do that. We just lose interest in losing teams we have no emotional investment in, like the entire nation of Bangladesh, for example (though it’s really not their fault they’re the drainpipe of every major river in South Asia.)

Morriss sounds downright 3rd world politicianesque here, for sure.

“People who aren’t around this team don’t know what’s going on,” Morriss added. “All they see is Saturday.”

Stupid viewing public, only watching the games put on the field on Saturdays. Bearmeat has ten bucks at 5/2 odds, btw, on what took Mike Machen seven games to emerge as starting qb for the Bears: gonorrhea.

And finally, the Decatur Daily reminds us that Tommy Tuberville and Ed Orgeron, believe it or not, at one time shared living quarters without Tuberville ending up in a gimp outfit or deep fryer. The best piece from the trip down memory lane with Ed and Tubs:

“We had some fantastic players,” Orgeron said. “Those were good times.”

But in 1992, Orgeron was arrested in a Baton Rouge, La., bar fight.

Although the charges were dropped, Orgeron was placed on probation by the Miami athletic department and did not return to the team the following year, opting to go home to southern Louisiana.

Something seems wrong there…hold on…

Although the charges of crimes against humanity, arson, murder, inciting a riot, conspiracy to undermine the security of the United States, and unlawful use of another human being to injure or kill a human being were dropped, Orgeron was placed on probation by the Miami athletic department and did not return to the team the following year, opting to go home to southern Louisiana.

Ah, much better now.

Footage of the incident below:

FIREWORKS IN DAYLIGHT=OLE MISS HALFTIME

Orson Swindle — Mon, 22 Oct 2007 18:14:44 +0000

Ole Miss’s halftime had special spark this weekend thanks to a wondrous treat: daytime fireworks. Fireworks are awesome–the cheaper and more bootleg they are the better, and the phrase “Mississippi Fireworks” certainly reeks of both–but they lose some of their efficacy when deployed in broad daylight. Because you can’t see them. Because it’s 2 in the afternoon in Oxford, Mississippi.

COACHOGONNABURNTHISMUTHADOWN!

It’s really great, though, when the fireworks make things catch fire and not work.

A halftime fireworks display gone awry knocked out power to half of Vaught-Hemingway Stadium on Saturday.

A series of loud booms from the fireworks was followed by a few unplanned loud booms on the north side of the stadium as fire briefly appeared from power lines. Then the main scoreboard in the north end zone and the east end readerboard went dark.

The game was not delayed and power was restored early in the fourth quarter.

Ole Miss officials may seem negligent for continuing despite the lack of a proper scoreboard, but consider this: with Ole Miss not scoring until the fourth quarter in a 44-8 defeat to the SEC’s only other team without a conference win, there really wasn’t much incentive to turn the power back on, was there?

At least Ed Orgeron got to go out there, cigarette in mouth and beer in hand, and light off the $55.95 Carnival Extravaganza multipack for the fans. He was probably trying to burn the place down to avoid playing the second half–they were down 21-0 at the half–but it was a nice cover for the failed attempt at arson.

(Massive HT: Ragin’ Cajun Rebel.)

COACH O’S OUTLOOK PAGE: FRIDAY, FLORIDA WEEK.

Orson Swindle — Thu, 20 Sep 2007 15:26:15 +0000

Coach O’s a busy man. Zoom in once you click to see just how busy he can be.

THE ORGERON HAS TIME NOT FOR YOUR AUTOGRAPHS

Orson Swindle — Thu, 13 Sep 2007 19:13:01 +0000

We can’t look past Hate Week just yet–but the Shadow of the Orgeron is long, and tinged with fire and the smell of smoked meats of many species. Erik at Deep South Sports spies our favorite kind of story–rank hearsay!–concerning a young autograph seeker and the Orgeron at a local little league game.

He waited until the game was over, so as not to bother him while the game was going on. He stood there waiting with his Florida Gator team hat (the five year old that is). When his turn came, he was very rudely turned away by Orgeron. He told my son he was not going to sign his hat because it was a Florida hat.

Nancy Grace is outraged, OUTRAGED WE TELL YOU! The EDSBS official stance is this: when Somali Bantu mothers have daughters, they slap them from infancy. Why? Because life for the Bantu is hard, and for women it is hardest. To the child with the Gator hat, welcome to your baptism in the Church of Arbitrary Laundry-Based Hatred and its first instructional slap–and consider yourself lucky you weren’t dressed for the grill and cut into chops on the spot.

(Check the photo–who knew he had such shiny knees? Your reflection in them would be the last thing you see.)