I WANDERED lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o’er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
But fuck all that shit. Here’s Ed Orgeron firing some bitches up at the Tennessee Women’s Clinic.
The original Wordsworth poem would have been so much better with that as its intro, especially if they’d had embeddable Youtube in the late 18th century. As Clay notes, this is comedic perfection, and further proof that Ed Orgeron clearly breathes twice the oxygen per inhalation as any other person on earth. If four word, two part crowd participation phrases were Nobel prizes, Ed Orgeron could call up Linus Pauling in hell and tell him just what a bitch he was for only having two to his credit.
The Blind Side is being made into a movie. It will feature Tim McGraw and Sandra Bullock as the Tuohys, and Quinton Aaron, who you may remember as “bodyguard 2″ from Law and Order, as Michael Oher. Tim McGraw’s in it, so you know it’s total shit gonna be awesome.
Speaking of which, a while back a buddy and I had wondered about who Hollywood would get to play Orgeron in the movie about Ole Miss offensive lineman Michael Oher. Turns out, Orgeron is going to play the role himself. Next week he’s slated to go to Atlanta to do his scene with Sandra Bullock, the star of the movie.
“But I, John Lee Hancock, didn’t write a love scene into the movie!!!” DASSATOOBADDIRECTAHBOAH!!! And thus prepare yourself for the most mindbending, violent, pec-flexing love scene since Team America redefined what puppet sex meant to you. What started as a 100 minute tale of love and redemption is now a 20 minute football sitcom episode with a five-hour sexcapade sandwiched in the middle. You’re welcome, America.
Coach O, you were supposed to wear more for this scene. It’s 45 seconds of dialogue. NOTANNAHMOAH!!!
The Blind Side was probably headed for a PG-13 before this, but once you get Ed Orgeron in a room with Sandra Bullock and say the words “ACTION!”, there’s really no keeping it from crossing over into NC-17. Furniture will be smashed. Available foodstuffs will be used for unspeakable acts. Cajun butter will be employed. If you can imagine the Incredible Hulk in musth on a Viagra-spiked vacation to the beaches of hell, you may come close to approximating what will be captured on film that night–if the equipment doesn’t melt from the very sight of so much animal lust poured into a single fragile lens. (And it will, if it’s not eaten first.)
Texas already has ten commitments for 2010, making them the football program most like your friend who has this all under control, has already applied for their car tags for the year, is quite sure of their retirement savings, and who loses no paperwork. This may explain the odd glee surrounding Mack Brown’s early fiascogasms in bowl games at Texas: being so well-prepared not only makes you successful (which people hate) but also makes your failures particularly tasty, because you are the annoying asshole who remembered sunscreen (Why, yes, thank you, I do need some) but who is flabbergasted you can’t find your 2003 tax returns. (Um…did we file that year?)
Thus LSUFreek’s homage to the Pied Piper of February, which we imagine being set to some kind of Zamfir-on-PCP kind of flute-noodling.
Texas also still has a shot at Bryce Brown for 2009, the running back prospect splitting the Terrelle Pryor Spot for DRAMATIC LATE ANNOUNCEMENTS OMG. Brown will visit Tennessee this weekend, where Ed Orgeron and Lane Kiffin will commit at least thirty secondary violations by simulating the orgy scene from Eyes Wide Shut, immediately self-report, and really all hope that woman in the mask in the corner whipping the hide off an old man wasn’t Pat Summit introducing Monte Kiffin to the sweet surrender of BDSM.
Worse still, they’ll all deny it was the single most arousing thing any of them had ever seen.
You…you’re probably not high enough to watch this video. Too bad, because we now imagine this playing in Lane Kiffin’s head on a perpetual loop as he totes his huge, white, cartoon-paneled head through the bowels of Neyland Stadium.
Memphis area recruit and number one pick in the state Marlon Brown opted to attend Georgia instead of Tennessee and Ohio State. He’ll explain it for you himself here, but it all came down to ASUMMTHIN DACOACHO DONNA WHILEA VISSITIN DAFAMILEEE.
“But then Tennessee did something wrong at one point…”
“You said Tennessee did something wrong. ?”
“Coach O came at me the wrong way. He said a couple of things to me and my family…”
“Your grandmother was involved…”
“Oh, yeah. She was very upset.”
What did Coach O do to piss off the number one recruit in Tennessee? Offer the traditional Orgeron greeting of a firm grapple followed by an elbow to the head? Bring his usual gift of fermented deer hoof salad? Arrive at the house and sit on the couch while excreting his usual low level of pure, aerosolized kerosene, thus seeping the apholstery full of flammable gas fumes?
None of these, actually. Enter message board greatness to the rescue! (Click for larger.)
Yes, let’s accuse a reformed alcoholic of suffering a relapse just prior to walking into a recruit’s house. That’s a ten out of ten on the message board ninja shitbag scale, and further evidence that in the filthy scrum of recruiting, there are no innocents.
The Orgeron is out at Ole Miss, according to Joe Schad of ESPN, who’s practically an honorary coroner today after announcing both Callahan’s termination and now Orgeron.
We’re heartbroken. The Orgeron Era can’t die. He just…he just can’t. He’s big, tough, and aggressive, just like a Hummer! He’s gettin’ pelts on da rakrootin’ trail! He gotta da Jevan Snead a-comin intah da Oxfahd fo-a throwing da heapah touchdowns in 2008!
In all seriousness, this is sad as hell. We’re left looking through the scrapbook now, watching the photos bubble up under our tears.
Just one more time, for old times sake. Play it Jo-Jo. YOU PLAYED IT FOR HIM, NOW PLAY IT FOR US. (Slams fist down drunkenly, tears gleaming in our eyes.) Play it again, Jo-Jo.
We imagine Robert Khayat did this over the phone, since you’d have to engrave the Orgeron’s name on magical shackles a la Hellboy to restrain him before telling him he couldn’t come back to work in person. They’d have to call in Rasputin for the whole thing.
This leaves the pesky question of who will take the Ole Miss job. Exquisitely timed as always, Ole Miss has fired a coach just in time to compete against Texas A&M, Michigan, Nebraska, and god knows what other larger, more monied programs will fire their coaches in the next ten minutes–not to mention the vacancies gaping after the guys who fill those positions leave their current positions.
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Orson Swindle and Stranko Montana are two men pushing thirty who should know better than to run a college football blog, but evidently don't. Both graduated from the University of Florida, and both agree that college football is far too important to be left to the professionals.
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