Oregon student newspaper writer Alex Beard makes no compelling case aside from the love of the absurd and the low cost associated with keeping a live duck for putting a live mascot on the sidelines at Oregon. That is enough for us, especially since once you get its waddly, absurd duckiness out of your brain, an actual live, hungry duck is meanass bird more than willing to swat wings at toddlers horning in on their breadcrumbs. If they could hold knives, they’d cut you. Additionally, the utility of the duck meets standards Jeremy Bentham himself would be proud of, as it can always be “retired” to a lovely spot on the plates of an Oregon booster dinner. Personally, we’d pay to eat slices of Renegade, since cheval cooks up nicely in a red wine reduction sauce, but will bypass UGA, Smokey, and all other dog-related mascots for sentimental reasons. (Don’t deny it: you’d eat a hunk of Bevo even if you didn’t have to, because a bull that pampered has to be deliciously marbled.)

Oh, and on a minor, teeny, little insignificant note, Sam Bradford will start for Oklahoma against Baylor on Saturday.

But back to the important thing: does white wine go with Ibis? And what about Baylor? Bearmeat is a culinary challenge thanks to its oiliness, something the pioneers always cut with a blackberry sauce. South Carolina probably presents the easiest option, but also no real challenge. Now NC State? That’s a challenge, since technically we’re talking a wolfpack worth of oddball meat to dress. For the health conscious there’s always Marshall…

Enjoy.

Category one: Nebulous Statistical Comparisons of Dubious Validity.

Nebraska offers little data to speak of in the direction of solid numbers thanks to games against Arkansas State, Florida Atlantic, University of Louisiana-Lafayette, and one sluggo matchup versus Virginia Tech. The matchup against Virginia Tech exposed Nebraska as being subject to random passes from scrambling quarterbacks somehow finding scrambling receivers in the endzone, a weakness shared by every other team in Division One football. The other salient factoid from their only matchup against a quality team: Nebraska did manage to rush the ball successfully against the Hokies, going over 200 yards on the day. Mizzou has been decent against the run, but Nebraska looks more like the mudder here, even with Tigers LB Sean Weatherspoon cracking heads and singing sweet melodies from his linebacker spot.

The Mizzou stat of interest is the young Blaine Gabbert’s exceptional INT total to this point: zero in four starts, something he could continue tonight versus a Nebraska defense that bends, but does not break. The Huskers have allowed only 3 TDs in the redzone, meaning you could see some very soggy field goals from Mizzou tonight.

Advantage: Nebraska. When you’re muddin’, take the biggest truck you can find. That would be Roy Helu, Jr of Nebraska.

Nebraska, You’ve Been Factor’d!

Category Two: Mascot: Nebraska relies formally on Herbie Husker, a jut jawed farmboy who looks like Terri Hatcher after a robust sex change operation and extensive hormone therapy. He has large feminized eyes, the kind of chin one can only get via a genetic condition, and large, feminine eyes you can stare into for days. If he succeeds in his plan to kidnap you and keep you in his crawlspace.

Can you help me carry these books to my Volkswagen over there? I hurt my arm…

The other Nebraska mascot is Lil’ Red, a horrid vision from the deepest reaches of hell. If you animated the Ugly Kid Joe logo, then killed him and allowed him to reanimate and walk the earth as a vengeful wraith herking and jerking towards his bloody destiny, that is what Lil Red would look like. We are 33 years old and would run screaming from him if he confronted us. Stabbing him only makes him stronger.

Truman the Tiger is an inoffensive Garfield caricature modified to avoid copyright violations. Since he does not remind us of hellspawn, he wins by default.

Advantage: Mizzou.

Missouri, you’ve been factor’d!

Category Three: Aura. Mizzou has been a terrible place for Nebraska in the post-Osbourne Juggernaut era, with Nebraska losing four straight there after years of rolling in, setting fire to every living thing, and then politely urinating on the ashes before leaving. There is a rivalry here, and one swaying psychologically towards Missouri even with a freshman quarterback and a driving rain forecast. Missouri is also not the team coming off a nut-crushing loss to Virginia Tech and playing in front of a lively and likely rain-soaked crowd in Missouri. We know how we’d stay warm in 45 degrees and pouring, and it would be by just that: pouring, and covering ourselves in a raincoat made of false, boozy warmth. That also tends to make for loud stadiums.

Advantage: Missouri.

Missouri, You’ve Been Factor’d!

Category Four: Names.

Missouri: Charles Brockway (Sounds like the star of a forgotten B movie like “Preacher with a Shovel”), Forrest Shock.

Nebraska: Menelik Holt (IM-HO-TEP! IM-HO-TEP!), Brent Qvale (extra points for non “q-u” combo,) Faron Klingelhoefer, Ndamukong Suh (First name means “HOUSE OF (FUCKING) SPEARS,”)

Advantage: Nebraska, thanks to Suh.

Nebraska, You’ve been factor’d!

Grudges? Scores to settle? Sheer cussedness? Advantage, Nebraska all the way thanks to the four game streak and Bo Pelini doing things like delaying the blackshirts until the defense earns them. If anything gouges Nebraska as much as their abysmal results against ranked competition, it is losing to teams they used to annihilate like the Tigers.

Nebraska, you’ve been factor’d!

EDSBS FACTOR FIVE FIVE FACTOR PREVIEW SUM: 3-2, NEBRASKA You’ve Been Factor’d! This should mean to bet the other way given the dismal track record of the Factor Five Five Factor Preview to predict anything at all in any way whatsoever in the past, but at 3-2 right now, the Factor Five is not even an aid in predicting who won’t win. As always, we’re here to help, just like Herbie Husker, who no, why would you suggest he has a crowbar in his hand, little lady?

He took it water, then slices of American cheese, then pieces of turkey wing.

[...]

He guessed that the cat’s relatively calm demeanor meant it was someone’s pet: “If it had been aggressive, it would have had my butt.”

[...]

“They told me to go back inside because the cat, you know, might have other options,” he said.

Area residents were, of course, unfazed:

Proving once again that Louisiana lives larger than anywhere else in God’s green America, and that we are all poorer for it.

(Index along in a moment.)

–Hello?

–Yes, I’m calling regarding job opening #828D. May I confirm that this position has been filled please?

–That’s the corporate representative and public relations position, referent to the athletic program, correct?

–Yes, mademoiselle. I believe if you look at the CV submitted, you’ll find my friend is very–

–The position has been filled, sir. I’m very sorry, and encourage you to apply for other positions in the future.

–Is there any reason why my…client was not picked?

–He just wasn’t what we were looking for, sir. We had many qualified candidates, and it was a very difficult process.

–I…I understand. Thank you very much, madame.

–WHAT THEY SAY?

–You were not what they required.

–WHAT THEY MEAN? MAUAJI DESTROYER OF FOES HAVE CHARISMA AND SEX PEEL!

–There is no way to know.

–MAUAJI KNEW HEAD SHOTS WERE BLURRY.

–I would not beat yourself up, friend.

–MAUAJI NEVER SUCCEED AS ACTOR AND SPOKESANIMAL! FATHER OF MAUAJI WAS RIGHT!

–Now, now. Can Steve buy you something to make you feel better? An infant kebab, perhaps? A little spicy ke-baby for my best friend in the whole world make it all right?

–MAUAJI TOO SAD TO EAT.

–Now, I know you can turn down one ke-baby…but two?

[begins sobbing]

–MAUAJI…MAUAJI SO LUCKY TO HAVE STEVE. NOT NEED MASCOT JOB WITH FRIEND LIKE YOU!

–Aww, that’s the child-eating terror of the streets of Bamako I know and love.

–AND FEAR?

–Of course, buddy. And fear. Now, let’s go get those ke-babies!

–YAY KE-BABY TIME!!!

Tiger fights: Not just for candy-ass Discovery Channel eggheads.

This Thing Is Like That Other Thing: The Big XII as potato chips? Never having heard of half these brands, we will rely on you, Dear Readers, to tell us how right or wrong this went.

Via EDSBS indispensable cohort Ragin’ Cajun Rebel: Perpetual non-qualifying machine Jerrell Powe and new SEC regulations.

“Basically, the SEC’s initial eligibility rules will generally mirror the NCAA’s, which allow some non-qualifiers to attend school and try to get their grades up before competing,” Boone said. “The one caveat is that any non-qualifier still has to be approved by the (SEC) commissioner.”

Further:

But with the change, it will become slightly easier for non-qualifiers to attend an SEC school for the first year and receive no athletic financial aid while focusing on the classroom – which is consistent with NCAA rules.

If after the first year of college, the non-qualifier has satisfied NCAA academic requirements, he would be allowed to play and receive athletic aid beginning in the second year.

This looks good for Powe. And no matter what your opinion of the matter is, you have to respect his tenacity.

The Fighting Illini, enjoying their high expectations? This kind of thing has never ended badly for a Zook squad, ever, so they should feel pretty comfy.

The Wolverine Liberation Army dispenses pretty much exactly the kind of propaganda you would expect, but with the added bonus of iconography. They also list EDSBS and Black Heart Gold Pants as “mouthpieces of the enemy”, which is never a bad sign. Careful video research indicates that wolverines aren’t all that into comradeship, but it’s Friday, brah; let’s all be brothers:

]]> http://www.everydayshouldbesaturday.com/2008/06/13/curious-index-6132008/feed/ 43 http://www.everydayshouldbesaturday.com/2008/05/06/aggies-to-service-dog-um-get-service-dog-apologies/ http://www.everydayshouldbesaturday.com/2008/05/06/aggies-to-service-dog-um-get-service-dog-apologies/#comments Tue, 06 May 2008 14:37:15 +0000 Orson Swindle http://www.everydayshouldbesaturday.com/2008/05/06/aggies-to-service-dog-um-get-service-dog-apologies/ Boo, hiss, bark: Texas A&M has chosen to ignore our sage advice–that the next Aggie mascot be a ferocious, misbegotten beast of a dog closer to a hyena than a smooth collie–and is going with “a collie-like dog.”

“She is very likely to be a collie-like dog. Something that looks similar to a collie,” Bresciani said.

According to the e-mail, there is a possibility that the next mascot will be a golden retriever. But the most unusual thing about the selection is that it is likely the next mascot will have been trained as a service dog.

The dog will likely have some service dog training because of the stress placed on the mascot, which likely has a busier schedule than you. Dogs can’t handle stress very well, as they tend to start biting things at random, making them very similar to Jim Delany or a liquored-up Ron Franklin.

We remain deeply saddened at the choice, if only because we had such dreams of the possibilities for the mascot:

And introducing Texas A&M’s new mascot…MAUAJI, DESTROYER OF FOES. Oh, and his handler, Steve.

“I think Reveille VIII should be an American collie because it’s tradition, and isn’t that what A&M’s all about?” freshman general studies major Emily Hudson said.

“Reveille should be a mutt. [Collies] are really spastic and hard to train. And mutts, since they have a mixture of all different genes, they tend to be a lot smarter,” junior marketing major Kelley Baxter said.

Yeah, that’s right. Listen to the person who’s actually declared a major, Texas A&M, and back up because we ’bout to drop some policy:

EDSBS Policy: Texas A&M, you should get a mutt. First, it sets an exemplary standard for your community and for the rest of the world as a whole if you adopt a stray dog–just like the first Reveille–and take it back to campus to become the new, freshly dewormed mascot of your school. It would be timely, too, since stray dogs are the third-greatest threat to Americans in their homes, topped only by our natural enemy the sun and, of course, Kimbo Slice.

All they want is love, your garbage, and a soft place to lay down. Oh, and occasionally a child stolen from the neighbors’ yard to play with, but isn’t that what the road trip to Austin every other year is for? Exactly. Our bluetooth devices are communicating smoothly and processing nicely here.

Slow down your heart rate, man. He’s getting angry!

Second, do not just get any mutt that comes along. No, Aggies, you must select a hoodtastic mix of some of nature’s gnarliest dog breeds all force-humped into a single physical vessel through a genetic lineage so convoluted Mormon polygamists would weep at its complexities. Chow, pit bull, Rottweilers, Cane Corsos, Doberman Pinschers, Anatolian Shephereds, German Pit Chows, Dogo de Argentinas, Brazilian Mastiffs, the rare but powerful Scythian Rape Terrier…all of them need to be present in one form or another here. The final product should look something like Cerebrus, the three headed dog guarding the gates of hell, but only after the bad ass middle head decided it was tired of all the other heads’ yapping and ate them in a 35 second display of horrifying, impressive ferocity.

Take care to raise it with humans and socialize it early and often. And never, ever, leave it with fewer than three people at once, and try to keep it away from flashing lights and loud yells. For football games, sedate with 200 mg Seconal, or whatever amount will get it to a manageable level of fury. It all sounds like trouble, but if you want the Hound of the Baskervilles as envisioned by a Russian bioweapons lab, then you pay the price, amigos.

Oh, and if the Brazos Animal Shelter doesn’t have one of those lying around, you might consider contacting a Russian bioweapons lab. Those people do great work. For an example, just look at Terrence Cody. He cost Saban a pretty pony (no typo–Saban has to feed him one each day), but 900 pound defensive tackles don’t grow all by themselves.

EA Sports is allowing fans to vote for the mascot who will appear on the cover of NCAA 2009 for the Wii, a dubious honor since if the Wii edition of NCAA is as much of an epilepsy simulator as the Madden franchise is, the game will shovel piles of suck in suckhell forever.

(If you haven’t had the chance to play it, its bizarre controls force you to conduct Bernstein’s exact hand gestures from guiding the New York Philharmonic through Mahler’s Fifth. Our favorite move: the “Throw The Goddamn Thing Into the Ficus Plant” move. Never say we don’t know how to throw the ball away when danger nears.)

We cast a vote for Albert, but noticed something previously unseen: SEC mascots are all remorseless killing machines or hammered redneck militiamen with guns. Remember: as a conference we’ve got the only mascot that’s actually been on a killing spree. Toss out the genteel Commodore, and we’ve unveiled the iconic representation of all the Southeastern United States values: fangs, an unstoppable killing urge, little in the way of higher brain function, and a facility with firearms.

The incident began when Duke Dog of JMU refused a handshake from the Chanticleer. the Duke then attempted an ill-advised kick to the tailfeathers of the Chanticleer, perhaps assuming that with such a sissified Chaucerian name, he’d hie to the nearest plush couch and pour out his sorrows with quill and ink whilst sipping on a nice glass of port.

He thought wrong. Chanticleer ain’t no punk!

The whole incident is allegedly organic, with JMU’s student newspaper calling for Duke to be “put on a leash” for his behavior while the Chanticleer is being excuse by Coastal because “he was letting it go.” The duke should learn this lesson, though: mess one too many times with the rabble, and get rammed by more angry cock than you can handle.