Football, and more specifically, college football, is the greatest game there is. What makes it the greatest game, you ask? The reason football is the greatest game is because of the ball itself. The ball is shaped oddly and when it touches the ground it does funny things. Even an expert football player, someone who’s spent their entire life playing the game, often loses control of the ball [see: Wilson, John Parker]. It’s unwieldly and uncontrollable, like the game itself. A football isn’t round, so it’s not like other games. Round ball games are for pussies. You drop a round ball and it comes back to you. You drop a football and you don’t know what it will do. This uncertainty is why college football is the most beautiful game, and largely because of its uncertainty, many would say this year was the most beautiful college football season of all. The twists and turns started in January, still haven’t let up, and we’re only now approaching bowl season. Buried in all of this uncertainty, deep in the bowels of the game, is science. What is this science of which I speak? The cold, hard, indisputable science of recruiting. And buried within this science is the lab of mad scientist Joe Wetzel. In his lab, he’s done the impossible. He’s broken down recruiting class ranks and compared them to actual football results. If you’ve wondered how good of a job your school does with what they have - Joe Wetzel has the answers. He breaks down all the major conferences, and the Big East. Discuss if you will, but remember, this is science and therefore cannot be disputed.
On the day when his chief sponsor, Frank Broyles, stepped down as the Athletic Director at Arkansas, our thoughts naturally turn to Houston Nutt, just as they do whenever we text message our mistress or run the ball 30 times in a row in NCAA 2008.
The third week of the season usually takes our football infection from drastic to epidemic level, what with Tennessee/Florida, USC/Nebraska, ND/UM in the repuS Bowl, and a treasure trove of other games going on this weekend. This slew of quality includes the most curious Arkansas/Alabama game, where new-look Bama goes up against Humanity Advanced (Darren McFadden), Felix Jones, and the handoff artist they call a quarterback.
It being the first real semi-national peek at Arkansas, questions abound. Will Bama’s defense hold as the Hogs undoubtedly run right at them upwards of fifty times in the game? Will the WildHog (neé le Wildcat) run havoc on a fledgling Saban defense? Will Major Applewhite’s new offense prosper in their first game against heavy-gauge SEC competition?
And most importantly…what the hell is Nutt saying in this photo ?
Be healed!
Five times! We’re only passing five times.
All the ladies over here say HOOOOOOOOAAAAHHHH
Guns will make us powerful; butter will only make us fat!!!
Leave your suggestions below.
The latest disturbing chapter in…
Houston Nutt should resign–just resign, leave, and go coach at some place where people don’t care as much about football. Care may be a weak word here; try “obsess,” “mull over 24/7,” or “pray to their secret arachnid overlord in the dark of night” instead. None still really cover how odd affairs at Arkansas truly are right now.
How about “football-haunted?” If that’s close, then Houston Nutt’s got a poltergeist on his hands. We dropped this in another entry, but someone used the Freedom of Information Act to get their grubby hands on Houston Nutt’s cell phone records, all game thanks to Nutt using an Arkansas-funded cell phone as part of his coaching perks.
Weirder–or more dedicated, depending on your relative sanity here–someone’s put together the equivalent of a legal brief detailing Nutt’s behavior and public statements as they correspond to his phone activity.
We mean this with gravity: don’t click on it unless you want to rearrange the cells in your brain to form new, frightening connections you may find disturbing. (more…)
After busting out most of the weekend in review yesterday, we do have some real life things to tend to today. However, please accept the opening salvo of Houston Nutt tribute, brought to us by the one and only Mr. Two Cents, who we legitimately believe is one of the most ruthless and brilliant graphic artists alive today.
Find more of this brilliance on The Return of Houston Nutt Fark thread, where Mr. Two Cents goes off on a theme and doesn’t stop ’til the Dexedrine runs out. Seriously, email us and we’ll buy you a shirt.
Gei ni kan kan:
Don’t touch his ears.
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