Hello, I’m Mack Brown, the head football coach for the greatest football program in the world, the Texas Longhorns. You might have read that we made $24 million more than our closest rival in the Big 12 in 2008, and I just want to address a few concerns.

Oh, this?

Just pure 24 karat gold leaf. We had it done in platinum first, but it didn’t match Colt’s eyes, and he couldn’t handle that. You get down to it, and that rough Texas boy’s downright lady-vain, you know?

I can leave you with it for a moment if you like, but we’ve got eight more just like it, you know. Hook ‘em! Hey, have you met the talking brain of Einstein in a jar? It’s right over here next to this basket of pickled basilisk eyes. They’re $12K a piece, but you’ve never tasted anything like ‘em…

Hi. You know who I am. This thumb’s for you, Colt McCoy, because you’re a champion who takes my breath away and turns in slow motion away from onrushing defenders bent on crushing you. You took the highway to the danger zone but took the exit toward Victory Lane, and for that I’m buzzing your tower and oiling myself up for a one-on-one volleyball game. You’re invited.

No more playing with the boys, Colt: just you and me, a Colt and a Maverick out in the field doing what animals do. I’m bringing this thumb. Let’s role play: this time, you be Sam Bradford, and I’ll be Brian Orakpo and Sergio Kindle.

This is your open thread for the afternoon. We don’t judge you, whatever you’d like to do with or to Colt McCoy and the rest of the magnificent Texas Longhorns, who played the finest game of the year thus far against the Oklahoma Sooners. Boom. Motherfucker.

We Longhorn fans have had an interesting ride during Mack Brown’s 10 years in Austin. 1998-2003 were filled with promise, but mostly near-misses. 2004 saw Vince Young take over under center and another loss to Oklahoma – our fifth in a row. Vince never lost a game after that, though, winning back to back Rose Bowls along the way, including Texas’ perfect run through 2005 to the national title.

Ah, those were the days. The team was loose. The best player in college football history was doing things none of us had ever seen. And Mack Freaking Brown had 50 Cent in his iPod.

Vince Young is a god. For real.

But oh how things are regressing to the mean. Since small town hero Colt McCoy beat Oklahoma last season, the Longhorns have quickly tumbled back to the pack. Texas lost back to back games to K-State and A&M last year, choking away the South Division to Oklahoma, who promptly won their fourth Big 12 title under Bob Stoops. After the game? Malcolm Kelly celebrates:

I’m sensing a pattern here…

Fast forward to today, and Oklahoma’s won their fifth Big 12 title under Stoops, with his fifth different quarterback. Meanwhile, Texas fans are prepping for their fourth trip to the Holiday Bowl in the past eight seasons. Freshman wunderkind Colt McCoy has become the Sophomore Slump. Texas has looked listless for two straight seasons… and today we may have found out why.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Austin American-Statesman presents: Area Athletes’ Top 10 Songs To Workout/Get Pumped Up To.

Colt McCoy’s Top 10
1. (tie) ‘She Thinks My Tractor’s Sexy,’ Kenny Chesney and ‘I Can Still Make Cheyenne,’ George Strait
2. ‘Good Directions,’ Billy Currington
3. ‘Tuesday’s Gone,’ Lynyrd Skynyrd
4. ‘Big City,’ Merle Haggard
5. ‘Cowboy Song,’ Thin Lizzy
6. ‘Yellow Ledbetter,’ Pearl Jam
7. ‘Bad Company,’ Bad Company
8. ‘Hotel California,’ Eagles
9. ‘Lost and Found,’ Randy Rogers Band
10. ‘She’s Every Woman,’ Garth Brooks

One of these things is not like the others.

God help the Longhorns…

(Hat Tip: Barking Carnival)