EDSBS » lolrus

RYAN PERRILOUX CREATES THE FUTURE WITH WORDS

Orson Swindle — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 15:36:43 +0000

Apocryphal stories are the best, since even when they may not be completely true their semantic strength holds up most of the time. Why? Because somewhere in that crusty Combo of potential fiction lies the delicious nacho-flavored vegetable shortening of truth.

Like that, times ten.

We received this story about club-rockin’, alleged money-launderin’, baby-kissin’, wife-stealin’, and wheelin’ and dealin’ Ryan Perrilloux, LSU qb and bayou sybarite. The following takes place in a strip club, and has been edited to include two abbreviated profanities and protect the identities of those who may have seen it.

SCENE! And in (silent finger count 3-2-1…)

West BR strip joint last week when RP and Shomari Clemons came in. The two of them behaved themselves (evidently smart enough to know that being tigers won’t keep them from getting an ass whipping if they screw up in a bar. Come to think of it, RP has personal experience with that.) RP told the guy that he is still on the team and will be starting QB next fall.

Then as RP is leaving he yells at the top of his lungs “You motherfuckers are looking at the next 60 motherfucking Million Dollar Man!”

King Kong ain’t got shit on Ryan Perriloux! As the tipster points out, Perrilloux’s of drinking age and has every right–yes, dammit, a right–to be in a strip club and can consume alcohol legally as an adult. (A guy who’s stealing our strip club exit line, though, has got to get some new material. We’ve been saying that shit for years.)

LSU fans should treasure the golden jewel they have, though: a rampaging jewel of a man-beast with passions for all the finest things in life. His strip clubs, you must open them to him; your Hennessy and Hypnotiq, you must mix into a tasty green brew for him. Your abundantly gifted ladies of pleasing proportions, you must bring to his crib in numbers. His empire shall be called Perrilousiana, and it will be be flyer than the United States Air Force high on mushrooms. All else is but frippery, my friends. Let the luxuriaciousness begin.

The next 400 pound LSU quarterback starting in the NFL is en route. Make sure to pave the way with pure platinum, Baton Rouge. (God, this is going to be fun.)

MUSTACHE OF THE DAY: ROGUE BLOGGER

Orson Swindle — Wed, 05 Mar 2008 23:00:59 +0000

Bearded lunatic no more: we’re our own Mustache Wednesday today.

Happy Mustache Wednesday, motherfuckers!

FLORIDA STATE SUSPENDS TWENTY PLAYERS: BOWDEN WANTS APPLESAUCE

Orson Swindle — Tue, 18 Dec 2007 17:29:30 +0000

Florida State has suspended as many as 20 players for the Music City Bowl for ~~taking an online course for credit~~ cheating on an online course, according to ESPN and their “multiple sources inside the program.” The suspensions could extend three games deep into the next season, as well.

Excuse us for a moment while we check our soul-mirror…

Yes, that’s what we thought we’d see.

The suspensions are an extension of an admission and self-report by FSU of 23 students and their involvement in the online course, and blame two academic assistance employees for the snafu, which again has already been reported to the NCAA in a letter penned by T.K. Wetherell. We should note that amidst the schadenfreude we’re currently dining on here, it does mark a clear commitment to clean play by Florida State, who has been transparent and proactive throughout this whole process. It’s also a clear sign Bobby Bowden just shows up to wear a hat before returning to soft blankets, Civil War histories, and applesauce, and has no real power left to speak of in the day-to-day running of the program. Because this never would have happened in his prime. The reporting, that is.