Got that? Did you count up all the things that looked wrong? Good, now check the answer key after the jump and let’s see how you did:

1. It’s all about Sandra Bullock. Not that the woman Bullock plays, Leigh Anne Tuohy, wasn’t an integral part of the story Lewis told in his book; she worked as hard as, if not harder than, anyone to lift Michael Oher up out of poverty. But she wasn’t the main character in the book; she looks like she’s going to be the main character in the movie. And that probably means that . . .

2. We’ve got another white-woman-saves-poor-aimless-black-people story on our hands. You could, if you were so inclined, condense The Blind Side down to that very cursory description, and to some extent film adaptations can only ever be stripped-down, USA Today versions of the books on which they’re based, but still, The Blind Side was so much deeper and more complex than that. We could’ve gotten at least an attempt at translating that complexity to the screen, but instead it looks like what we’re going to get is a lot more along the lines of Sandra Bullock being, in the words of Jack Donaghy, “Michelle Pfeiffer to your angry black kid who learns that poetry is just another way to rap.”

3. The “You threaten my son, you threaten me” scene. Is my memory of the book completely faulty, or did that never actually happen? Someone telling Mike Oher to “sleep with one eye open”? What are your cheap gangsta theatrics doing in my peanut butter?

4. The use of The Fray’s “How to Save a Life” in the first part of the trailer. Of the grown men I’ve known who have ever expressed any affinity for that song (or The Fray in general), all of them fell into at least one of two categories: a) Guys who had at least circumstantial evidence against their heterosexuality and b) guys who played it on their guitars so they’d look brooding and sensitive enough to pull in chicks. I’ve kind of gotten off topic here, but the point is The Fray has no place in any film that purports to be about sports.

Bright spots? Well, Quinton Aaron looks suitably mountain-sized to pass as Michael Oher (no mean feat), and Sandra Bullock is smokin’ hot as a blonde. And there’s always the cameos by Saban and Orgeron to look forward to. (Window treatments FTW!) Otherwise, it looks suspiciously like we’ve got some heavy football movie/chick flick miscegenation going on here, and the outlook, as the Magic 8-Ball might say, is not good. We’ll have to save the final verdict for November 20, of course, but this grand jury is still prepared to at least hand down an indictment.

Cross-posted at Hey Jenny Slater.

“’Tis the maddest trick a man can ever play in his whole life, to let his breath sneak out of his body without any more ado, and without so much as a rap o’er the pate, or a kick of the guts; to go out like the snuff of a farthing candle, and die merely of the mulligrubs, or the sullens.”

One: what color is your season? In other words, please explain the metaphorical state of your program through the metaphor of color:

The UCLA season, and the program, is white. [*cough* --ed.] It’s a blank slate, with a new head coach, new players, and a new-HOLY-SHIT-NORM-CHOW-IS-OUR-OFFENSIVE-COORDINATOR-THANK-YOU-JESUS

Two: What historical nation and period do you resemble most right now?

Germany, in the late 1800’s after Bismarck united the country. During the entirety of the Karl Dorrell era, UCLA fans fought amongst/embarrassed themselves by either defending or attacking Dorrell. Um…I’m not going to name names, but I’m of the opinion that some people took it a little too far. It’s college football. It’s not a goddam nuclear war.

Anyways, UCLA fans are all in the same boat for the first time since…ever. With Norm Chow, DeWayne Walker, and Rick Neuheisel in tow, our football program finally doesn’t suck. And, of course, Ben Howland is a pimp in basketball. All is right in the UCLA athletic world.

The only question is…why did it take so friggin’ long? We are in Los Angeles, aren’t we? oy.

Three: You have important players. Discuss a few of them hastily.

We do? The fates seem to have a raging hard-on for our quarterbacks, so I’d love to tell you that Ben Olson is important, but, hey, he might be dead by the time you read this. The dude, god help him, has missed more games than he’s finished. UCLA will also rely heavily on it’s 4 incoming freshman backs in Milton Knox, Aundre Dean, Derrick Coleman, Johnathan Franklin. Also, expect UCLA to have the best D-line in the Pac-10 with Freshman All-American Brian Price and future pro Brigham Harwell in the mix.

Four: Name two games we might actually want to watch featuring your team.

The first and the last games of the season, both at the Rose Bowl. UCLA vs. Tennessee is the opener and the first taste of the Neuheisel era. UCLA vs. USC will be especially tantalizing because Neuheisel has talked such mad crazy smack about how UCLA is going to, eventually, kick those guys’ butts across town.

Four-A: Save us all some time and mention the game we’re better off NOT watching.

UCLA vs. BYU. UCLA played BYU last year. Twice. And both times we heard the announcers talk about how Ben Olson transferred from BYU to UCLA and how BYU wants revenge. If I hear it again, Imma slap someone. Of course, this is assuming that Ben Olson will still be alive on 9/13 when they play, which is more than a leap than you might imagine. (see answer #3).

Five: Every hero forgets something in their toolbelt. What does your team lack?

An O-line. UCLA just moved over a tight end to play center…that kinda gives you an idea about depth issues. Seriously, UCLA’s O-line wasn’t that great last year, and all but one of the starters has either graduated or retired. I say start recruiting walk-ons at frat parties. I seen a ton of fat chicks at the Beta house the other night that could instill some real fear into Pac-10 D lines.

Six: Describe your team with a Jimmy Buffett song. No, we’re serious–do it.

I was going to say “Fruitcakes” and leave no explanation, but then I saw “Who’s the Blond Stranger?” UCLA took a risk when it hired the yellow-haired Neuheisel and inherited his baggage. Is this stranger going to bring UCLA to the promised land? Or are we going to ask ourselves, shortly after opening day, “When does Basketball season start?”

Seven: We’re master wagerers. Give us a bet to place for up to ten dollars about your team.

Easily UCLA v. USC. The last two games, UCLA covered the spread at the rose bowl and even won the last one. Neuheisel will have the boys fired up. And SC is overrated. And SC lost to Stanford. Which was, statistically, the biggest upset in college football history.

If you’d like to read more about UCLA football, the Library of Congress recommends Gutty Little Bruins. If you’d like to contribute your own Visiting Lecturer post, please contact us at harumphharumph of the gmail email variety address.