Urban Meyer wasn’t pleased with his SI cover, mostly because they used the equivalent of the “high school yearbook leather jacket photo” on him. This version, however, is much improved. (click for beeg)

(HT: Papa Shark)

YellaWood and Golden Flake present
an EDSBS/Hey Jenny Slater co-production

SCENE: A muggy midsummer day in an expansive backyard in a Knoxville suburb. Five young men occupy a treehouse high in the branches of a stately oak: Tennessee head coach LANE KIFFIN, assistant coaches ED ORGERON, EDDIE GRAN and LANCE THOMPSON, and strength and conditioning coach AARON AUSMUS. KIFFIN bangs a mallet on a wooden box.

KIFFIN: This meeting of our super-secret club will now come to order! Gentlemen, I have called you all here because you are my best friends and the perfect people to become charter members of the most secret club in all of Tennessee. You can’t tell anyone about our clubhouse or about this meeting, understood?

ORGERON: WHEDDUHSNAXXAT? AHWONSUMMOHTATTACHIPS!

GRAN: What’d he say?

THOMPSON: I think he said he wants some more potato chips.

KIFFIN: Dangit, Ed, you just ate the entire can of Pringles! If I want more, I’m gonna have to go all the way down and sneak some out of the kitchen, and my dad’s down there! Now, the first order of business is to decide what kind of club this is gonna be, and I’ve got an idea that I think is really —

AUSMUS: The superhero justice league!

KIFFIN: No, Aaron, that’s stupid —

THOMPSON: Pirates!

GRAN: Mike Leach already took pirates.

ORGERON: WAMPRATUNNAJUNGAFATTINFOWAHHSS!

GRAN: What’d he say?

THOMPSON: Swamp rat, jungle — OK, I have no idea.
(more…)

AP–LOS ANGELES. The Jackson family said they were moved by Lane Kiffin’s tribute to Michael Jackson yesterday in a formal statement issued through the Jackson family publicist.

“From one active recruiter of 13 year olds to another, we thank Coach Kiffin for his moving tribute to Michael’s work with youth,” read the statement. “We certainly appreciate it in this trying and difficult time, especially from someone so busy. Sincerely, the Jacksons.”

Kiffin could not be reached for comment, as he currently has his arm caught in a snack machine on the Tennessee campus.

Scene: a gray office in the Tennessee. LANE KIFFIN sits down with business consultant TAD SMITH.

Tad: Coach Kiffin, thanks for coming to your performance review.

Kiffin: No problem

Tad: So you’re in charge around here, is that fair to say?

Kiffin: Absolutely. I’m the coach.

Tad: Okay, so take us through a day in the life of the coach.

Kiffin: Well the first thing I do is… (more…)

Peyton Manning finally met Lane Kiffin. As Clay points out in his dialogue between the two, the meeting appeared to take place in one of Saddam’s palaces, or perhaps in David Bowman’s final room at the end of the universe from 2001.

There has been no picture of Kiffykins and Fulmer together, as the two have “missed each other” and haven’t had time to sit down and stare blankly at each other yet. (Awkward rating: somewhere above “discussing pregnancy with your wife’s real babydaddy in a legal setting, somewhere below “meeting the man who murdered your parents.”)

A mid-sized suburban home in Michigan. An unusually wiry boy plays with ten pound weights and does bored pullups on a small pull-up bar.

Mother: Well, he’s a normal boy in every other way. He just happens to be curiously strong for his age, and– (more…)

Kiffykins rides again!

It’s now a running bet that he has a whole stack of Archie comics under his bed, and that he’d beat off any number of men to protect them.

UPDATE: Ole Miss has a correction in the Fulmer Cup. Jamar Hornsby, as noted in the updated Fulmer Cup post below, was not enrolled and will not earn Ole Miss any points. Andre Sterling, however, was very much enrolled at Ole Miss for football, and very much drunk when he was arrested last weekend for DUI. That’s a point correction to two points total for Ole Miss. GIGGITAH.

College Park brings the fire with Kowaski Kitchens, who should get a scholarship for the style points he brings with him alone.

Recruiting is still not over (it’s never over oh no it’s never over) as Orson Charles, who could have been so much for this site and for Florida, will decide at 3:45 p.m. between USC, Tennessee, and Georgia. At this point we’re rooting for him to go to Georgia or USC, if only to keep him from the clutches of Kiffykins. We’re not concerned about Kiffykins’ mounting threat blah blah blah…we just don’t want him to spout off about the clandestine methods they used to get Charles. “See, we had Ed Orgeron execute a HALO jump to escape radar, and he lived in the woods for three weeks outside Charles’ house without him knowing it. You know, just to keep an eye on him. Not a single living rattlesnake left in those woods now, by the way.

Urban Meyer wants you to know that an attack on one costumed superhero lizard is an attack on all of them. Especially if it’s on him.

Sentinel: Not sure if you’ve publicly commented about the Lane Kiffin controversy – does that maybe seem a little silly or humorous now in hindsight:
Meyer: “I didn’t find it humorous.”

Sentinel: For the fans, though, that certainly adds a little spice to the rivalry
Meyer: “I’m not going to comment on it any more than I just did. I guess you could say that.”

He’s going to pull a Comedian on the Vols in September. Slow-motion glass-exploding and everything. [/nerdgasmoverWatchmenconcluded.] You…you will buuuuuuuurn...