Oh, make fun of them if you like. That’s genuine affection, the kind you would feel for another man if you weren’t secretly afraid that you would get close and want to feel his rough stubble on your neck, his strong hands caressing your back, his muscular thighs grasping the horse you’re both riding through wine country, the…um…we’re sorry. You were saying?

Christmas Ape Rides Again.

Today we interview Michael Tunison, author of The Football Fan’s Manifesto and one of the founders of Kissing Suzy Kolber. His book is quite funny, and like all great reading fits on the back of a toilet for convenience of reading. It can also double as toilet paper in a pinch-strike unfortunate words-jiffy. You should buy it. Here’s the interview.

OS: What other purposes can your book serve besides tiring and unnecessary reading? Which fatigues the eyes, bothers the placid brain, and excites overly tense nerves?

MT: If you prop it up with a twig and place a small sliver of cheese with a string attached beneath it, there’s a good chance you could catch one of those sprites from Pan’s Labyrinth.

OS: You went to Maryland, therefore it is not your fault you don’t grok college football. What elements of the college game, though, would improve the soulless, corporate air of a pro football game?

MT: Definitely boosters. They really embody the innocent play-for-the-fun-of-it ethos of the college game. Also, a College Gameday-like broadcast would be nice. (more…)

Breaking news out of Honolulu, and obviously important enough to merit its own post: Hawaii head coach Greg McMackin has been docked a month’s pay for his uncharitable, sexual-preference-based characterization of Notre Dame’s pre-Hawaii Bowl rug-cuttin’. Officially, McMackin will be coaching the team for the next 30 days on a “volunteer” basis, with the money he would be getting paid instead being detoured to fund an intern for a campus LGBT group.

(Pre-emptive righteous-indignation stifling: McMackin’s free-speech rights aren’t being violated by any of this. The 1st Amendment prevents the federal government from prosecuting you for something you’ve said; it doesn’t bar your employers from fining you for making them look like a bunch of troglodytes. Thanks, carry on.)

With that out of the way, all that’s left is to sweep up the pieces. Can we expect an Obama-style “beer summit” between McMackin, the UH president, and Charlie Weis? Or would a “cosmo summit” with McMackin and the head of the Human Rights Campaign be more appropriate? We’re confident that any institution whose athletic teams were once nicknamed the “Rainbow Warriors” can be trusted to do the right thing here.

Greg McMackin sits in a clutch of reporters at WAC Media Days. He discusses Hawai’i’s disappointing bowl game loss to Notre Dame. Digital recorders sit silently recording syllables.

McMackin: I know most of the coaches in the country are rooting for us to beat Notre Dame,” McMackin said. “Charlie gives this talk, ‘We do something special at Notre Dame,’ and (the players) get up and they do this little cheer … this little faggot dance.

Giggles. Then: sudden realization, followed by nauseating regret.

McMackin: Don’t write that ‘faggot’ down. I was misquoted,” he said. “Just please … cover for me,” McMackin said. “Go ahead, say ‘faggot dance.’ No. Please cover for me on that, too — right Karl? I’ll deny it. Anything else?

Reporter one: Could you clarify that, please?

McMackin: No, seriously. Please don’t print that. It was–

Reporter one: I just want to make sure you know what you’re saying here. What exactly is a “faggot dance?”

McMackin: No, really, I’m sorry, I chose my words poorly, and I–

Reporter two: [turns around laptop, points to picture.] Like this kind of dance?

(more…)

Judging by the volume of email, it’s apparently news that the Tebow Child attended his very first NASCAR race this weekend, so here you go:

When asked if he was a racing fan, he flashed a big grin and replied, “I’m becoming one. This is my first race.”

“Some of them,” he said, almost embarrassed to talk about it. “I’ve gotten to meet some people, some really cool people.”

Why so shy, shrinking violet?� Could it be….this isn’t your first race?

[NAME REDACTED]:
Summer practice had me a blast
Didn’t know that we’d finish last
Didn’t know how bad we would be
Had to watch Urban win more than me
Summer dreams ripped at the seams
But oh… those summer nights…
[DANCE BREAK]

Here to join us in our guest series of preseason top tens is evangelist and football fan Ted Haggard. Enjoy.

Thanks to all for having me here. You may not know that one of my passions outside of sharing the gift of the love of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ is for college football, that most American of games. Orson has asked me to share my top five for 2009, and well I’m honored to do just that.

5. East Carolina Pirates. This year’s wild-card breakout team in one of my favorite colors: purple. Who doesn’t like pirates, with their habit of sneaking up on opponents from behind and overpowering them with their swords? I know I do. I’m a sucker for their mascot. Just look at that beard!

He almost seems to be beckoning you on to a score, doesn’t he, with the saucy earring and cocksure grin surely beaming beneath that thick black man-muffler? I bet it smells like aftershave and heaven. I’ll happily go raiding with these Pirates any day, though no one will be sneaking up on them this year (unless someone lets them!)

4. The Cal Bears. Nothing fights like a bear! Grrrrrr. Despite the immorality and sin surrounding them in the cesspool of the Bay area, I feel like this is the year Jahvid Best breaks out and lifts Cal into the burly, delicious hairy arms of success. Bears like honey, and by honey, I mean crystal meth. I mean: success.

3. USC Trojans. They never seem to break, no matter how much pressure gets put on them.

2. Florida Gators. It’s great to see a man of God like Tim Tebow inspiring so many. He’s so…thick…with the holy spirit! Also, their entire two-deep returns, and we’ll go deep with that roster any time. Given the amount of talent they have. Yes. That is exactly what I meant to say.

1. The Texas Longhorns. Who doesn’t love the Longhorns? And Colt McCoy, whose gotten so much more muscular over his three years at Texas that it’s hard to wonder just what he does in that weight room? Maybe he squats a lot, letting his perfectly sculpted glutes do the work for him. Maybe he just does a lot of sprints, letting the sweat just pour off of his chiseled musculature as he runs the steps wearing only a pair of compression shorts. Whew! Whatever he does, it’s working well enough for me to pick Texas at number one thanks to the weak defenses of the Big 12 and Will Muschamp, that excitable scamp of a defensive coordinator they have. Colt’s my horse for the year, and my what a steed to ride for 2009!

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go on a nine mile run.

After addressing the crowd and walking to the edge of the stage, he turned around and said, “Oh and by the way, one more thing, let’s do it again. I’m coming back!”

Remember. It’s not gay if it’s with Tebow, who will be back for his senior season. Also: Tebow has to go back to Baton Rouge this season. We wouldn’t miss that for the birth of our first legitimate child, much less anything else.

Hi. I’m an anonymous African American football player at the University of Utah. On the eve of this game you might wonder: why would a talented young black man such as myself go to a place that doesn’t have many of my people in it?

You’d be surprised as to the reasons why. First, Coach Whittingham has done a great job making sure everyone’s comfortable here. He has prayer groups for the Mormons so they feel comfortable. He makes sure we know about churches here in our community, too, and lets us know how welcome and valued we are.

Second, it’s a great community: clean, quiet, and with just enough things to do if you want to stay busy. The outdoor sports scene is great if you like it. There are clubs, and you can hang out with the Utah Jazz if you want to–it’s a big city, sure, but it’s got that small town vibe, too.

Third, it really is a great football program. I’ve learned so much here, and grown so much as a person. I owe the fans and the program so much, and will be a Ute for life.

You know why I really went here? (more…)

IN A WORLD where Mike Stoops is not good at football….

[Snow Patrol's "Open Your Eyes" swells in the background]

(….which, let’s face it, could be anywhere…)

(more…)