In Tuesday’s “Workout Tips”, the Wisconsin Badgers’ strength and conditioning coaches did confirm that they had procured a WWE-style weight belt for the stated purpose of motivating their players to give championship efforts in spring and summer workouts.  They have not, however, hired Joey Styles to scream “OH MY GOD” at players during particularly intense workouts as reported on Tuesday.  We would like to state that the fact they haven’t is a goddamn shame, and we regret the error.

In Tuesday’s “Better Know An ACC Interrogation Method”, Wake Forest head coach Jim Grobe was misquoted. “A bucket of water” is an excellent conductor of electricity, not “Steed Lobotzke”. We regret the error.

Monday’s “Kinks of the Mascots” section suggested that the Virginia Cavalier favored the submissive position in a BDSM relationship between two caring, sensitive mascots. This is inaccurate, as the Cavalier feels nothing but cold indifference unless he is the one holding a whip and inflicting the sweetest pain on another mascot. His preferred partner is Buzz from Georgia Tech, because “Shorty got an abdomen on her/he gonna pop a rubber band on her.” We regret the error.

Last week’s Hawkeye Crimeblotter quoted Kirk Ferentz as attributing the drop in arrests for Iowa players to a new locker room system where feuding teammates are urged to air their grievances in a safe, accepting environment on alternate Tuesdays.  Ferentz was joking when he told us of the program, and in a followup call, explains that this year’s low crime rate is due to the poor aim of the freshman class. He further assures EDSBS that the Iowa staff is working to correct this break with tradition. We regret the error.

Last week’s “Coaching Horoscopes” featured the following prediction:

Sagittarius: This would be a bad week for anything, as assassins are following your every move. Avoiding touching purple objects, as these will give you rapid and inoperable cancer immediately. The left-handed are bent on destroying you and all you stand for. Fear the number 7.

This was not actually a horoscope for Sagittarius, but rather for Libra–in particular, Houston Nutt (March 10), who really is followed everywhere by one-armed assassins from Arkansas who have lost limbs to their pet bears and spouses through the years. We regret the error.

Gary Barnett, mentioned in a Monday article about former coaches exploring second careers, is not “a children’s specialist” in the field of dentistry. We regret the error.

In Wednesday’s “Etiquette for the Gridiron,” we stated that when asking someone of advanced age about their retirement plan, extreme tact must be used. Many are anxious about this question, and in social situations the very topic can put many at ease. The euphemism “long-term financial planning” was suggested, but since the article’s publication football etiquette experts have suggested other terms. The most common? “Your lucrative late-career stint going 7-5 at South Carolina.” We now suggest the phrase for common usage, and regret the error.

Thursday’s Crossword solution page contained an inaccurate answer. 36-across, “delicate freshwater mollusk known for its pearls”, when solved correctly, should read “Sydney rock oyster”, not “Jimmy Clausen”. We regret the error.

This year’s EDSBS “Early Big Ten Peeking!” suggested that [NAME REDACTED]’s offseason ski accident was “a near-disaster.”

University missives this week said we were “in error” in our summary of the accident, which was instead “showing that the Coach keeps getting ‘better and better in each phase of his game, including skiing,’ and that he did not suffer ‘injuries, but what I like to call points of correction which can be corrected and are correctable.’ He’s not seeing a crash, but rather ‘a long, sometimes painful, bone-shattering but ultimately glorious descent’ into the prone, shit-pantsed, and weeping sprawl of the victorious.” We regret the error.

Ah-ah! [thunderclap]

Monday’s post entitled “Bret Bielema Shreds!”, we reported that Bret Bielema uses old karaoke tracks to provide the background for his series of moving interpretations of popular songs. He in fact constructs the song himself with MIDI instrument tracks, and then uploads them carefully at the end of a long day. We were accurate in reporting that his favorite track is “Hunger Strike” by Temple of the Dog, because he gets to sing both parts.

Monday’s Better Know Your SEC Snack Foods mistakenly reported that gunpowder, a key ingredient in any crawfish boil, was invented by the Chinese in the tenth century.  Virginia Tech’s Frank Beamer is widely credited with the innovation in the early seventh century. We regret the error.

On Thursday’s “Mascot Watch,” we erroneously reported re: a criminal case involving Sparky, the Arizona State mascot. The United States does not recognize Burmese law, and has no extradition agreements with the military junta even if the case does involve 36 counts of sodomy, an accusation of methamphetamine smuggling, and 4 charges of extreme animal cruelty. The Sun Devil will remain in Tempe, and will be participating in the 7th annual “Devils 4 Kidz” benefit Saturday as planned. We regret the error.

Who wants a Mandalay Groin-hug? MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Our most recent edition of This Week In Broadcasting Compulsions contained a trascription error. Our interview staff mistakenly transcribed a phrase in a recent sit-down with Mike Patrick. Patrick is a compulsive hoarder. We appear to have misheard Patrick in the initial publication, and regret the error.

Friday’s “Gossip Grrrrrl” column announced that Jesse Palmer was dating recently fired ESPN personality Stacey Dales. This was inaccurate; the two are “merely friends,” according to PR sources from both parties. Palmer remains single, though he admitted that he and Tennessee women’s basketball coach Pat Summitt “have been spending a lot of time together.” We regret the error.

Wednesday’s interview with Johnny Majors did not contain any references to the former Tennessee coach’s hilarious battles with alcohol. We regret the omission, and apologize to any Tennessee fans who may have thought we were referring to another Johnny Majors in the absence of the “Johnny Majors has a drinking problem” tag.

Wednesday’s Mustache Wednesday referred to Gordon Lightfoot as “the grizzled Canadian Troubadour.” The American Council of Grizzle called our offices to clarify that Lightfoot has not passed muster for the rank of “grizzled,” and is instead merely “craggy, with a hint of wistful.” Recently promoted, however, was Howard Schnellenberger, who made grizzled rank ten with his remark that “the day I set foot on that beach in Normandy, I never wished more that there was a god in heaven, and I was never more certain that they wasn’t.” We regret the error.

In yesterday’s Old-Tyme Kiddye Storye Hour with Dennis Erickson, the Arizona State coach took a factually inaccurate tangent during a reading of “Charlie The Friendliest Policeman”. Contrary to Erickson’s stated remarks, law enforcement personnel are not required to identify themselves as such when asked “Are you a cop?”.  We regret the error.

Thursday’s interview with Jeff Pearlman, author of Boys Will Be Boys, featured a claim that Michael Irvin was the author of the following quote.

“I’ve already told you: the only way to a woman’s heart is along the path of torment. I know none other as sure.”

In a phone interview earlier today (Friday), Irvin denied authorship of the quote. The actual author is the Marquis de Sade. Irvin also said that there were many other ways to a woman’s heart: wit, charm, good conversation, and a good ear to listen to her troubles with when she’s down and needs a friend. Irvin also said touching the anus during sex just right seems to work sometimes, too, but that you got to be real careful about that. We regret the error.

You know good and well we could have run this photo unaltered and no one would’ve known the difference.

In Thursday’s review of Watchmen, EDSBS Senior Film Critic Sketch Diddlepants wrote:

“Dr. Manhattan is a glowing superhero who spends much of his screen time showing off his iridescent blue penis …”

This did not refer to Dr. Manhattan or Watchmen, and was instead incorrectly cut and pasted from a review of Tim Brando’s new off-Broadway one man show, “Brando: The Naked Truth.” We regret the error.

Last Friday’s Tennessee guest column “Goddamn You Dave Goddamn Clawson” suggested that the ousted Tennessee offensive coordinator was successful in his former position as head coach of the Richmond Spiders because “Division I-AA isn’t actual football”. Further research on the part of our editorial staff has revealed that the success of the Spiders was due in large part to the repeated and thorough deployment of actual spiders in all gadget plays. We regret the error.

This Sunday’s Crossword featured a clue reading “a three-beat gait/Mark May’s role on College Football Live?” The punny answer is “C-A-N-T-E-R.” “C-U-N-T-E-R” is not a word or a horse gait, though it is a periodically accurate description of May’s work on the ESPN show.

Our regular Monday feature The Week In Steve Spurrier’s Catalog Of Neuroses contained a minor inaccuracy. We reported that the South Carolina head coach was the target of a weekend intervention, as family and friends grew concerned Spurrier was becoming withdrawn and distant and responsive only when speaking of his collection of antique teapots. Coach Spurrier collects tea towels. We regret the error.

On Monday, our Piece “Bodywork” included a piece entitled “The 700 Pound Deadlift: It’s Not Just for Football Players.” This should have read “…It’s Just For Football Players.” We regret the error, and apologize to Steve Slippert of Columbus, Ohio, who is recovering from his injuries at Ohio State University Hospital, and to Emily Garett, whose eye was put out by Slippert’s expelled vertebrae on its flight from his back across the gym into Garett’s eye socket. Hope the EDSBS t-shirts forestall any legal action on your part, and may every day be a Saturday for you!

Tuesday’s report on Rich Brooks’ most recent press conference contained an incomplete item. Our transcript detailed the explanation given by the Kentucky head coach for the dismissal of two wideouts last week (”And they fucking know why, the little bastards”), but neglected to mention that Brooks then stomped from the podium muttering about “those goddamn wasps”. We regret the error.

Thursday’s “Can You Believe This?” piece on Tennessee’s new DUI laws inaccurately stated the following:

A story Monday about the use of ignition interlock devices by people convicted of driving while intoxicated misstated which vehicles are covered by the existing state law. Any vehicle driven by the person required to use the device would have to have the device.

The revised legislation should now read:

A story Monday about the use of ignition interlock devices by people convicted of driving while intoxicated misstated which vehicles are covered by the existing state law. Any vehicle driven by the person required to use the device would have to have the device especially Johnny Majors, who needs one even for his commuter donkey.

We regret the error.

On Wednesday we reported that several BYU players have been implicated in the beating of a female student who had expressed interest in trying out for an open kicker spot on the Cougars’ scout team. The victim, Shelley Morrow, 19, was attacked after vocalizing her desire for a fulfilling career outside the home, but at no time mentioned football. She was treated for a broken collarbone and bruises. We regret the error.

On Friday, The Police Blotter listed a murder suspect as resembling the following:

5′10″ Duck wearing green and yellow, bent on slashing and shooting his way through all he sees until he slays whichever dies first: humanity, or his bloodlust.”

The Duck is actually 5′8″. He remains armed and extremely dangerous, and may be behind you right now.

The suspect seen here devouring a victim’s liver in a police image.

According to witnesses, Kiffin incorrectly used his dinner fork for both his salad and his entree, relinquishing it only when a server snapped up the fork shortly before the dessert course.

“I was just trying to help the guy out,” said the server, who did not wish to be named in this article.

“I don’t know if he knows where he is, but that’s not going to cut it here,” said Paul Finebaum, longtime SEC columnist and garden club tomato expert. “He put his elbows on the table, passed in an incorrect manner across the centerpiece of the table, failed to RSVP, and even used his fork to cut the butter. The fork he ate with. This won’t cut it here. Phil might eat half of the ham at the buffet, but he did it with the right fork, dangit. Pardon my language.”

The fork incident represents just the latest in a series of shocking breaches of SEC etiquette.

“When he was recruiting, he didn’t even call before he came,” said Coach Steve Spurrier. “Not a peep. Just knocked on my door to say hello. When he came in, he didn’t even have a gift with him. Normally you bring a nice casserole, a jello salad or something, anything. He called me ‘Steve’ before I even said he could.”

“And on top of all that, he fell asleep during my lecture on reducing aphid loss in your roses.”

All other coaches declined comment, telling this paper off the record that they found Kiffin’s table manners to be unladylike and unfitting for an SEC coach and Garden Club member. Only one other coach provided comment: Kentucky’s Rich Brooks, who described the question regarding Kiffin’s use of the dinner fork for all courses to be “bullshit.”

Kiffin replied to the ruffled feathers with nonchalance. “Who needs more than one fork at a meal, anyway?”

So, here we go. It’s time; there’s absolutely no arguing that, but for a city and a team threatened by the remotest hint of change the balance of the season looms dark and our natural pessimism has finally found purchase.� Even with both feet in the FIRE HIS ASS YESTERDAY camp, I was never going to be entirely comfortable when this day came.� He’s the coach of my childhood, the devil I know.� Six weeks ago, I wrote,� “It�s our time at the edge, and the stay will be neither brief nor pleasant.”� I had no idea.

But if there’s anything to celebrate here with complete joyful abandon (for me, campers, for me), it’s that Chris Low scooped the living hell out of the Knoxville News-Sentinel, a terrible paper with a simpering buffoon of a sports editor in John Adams.� Save your preening, sir—you’ve had a public, exhausting vendetta against the guy for years and today you got beat.� ABIGAIL Adams would’ve had that story first, and that bitch has been dead almost 200 years.