In this morning’s Curious Index, we reported Johnny Majors was seen walking the sidelines at a recent Tennessee practice. Majors was in fact being wheeled about in an oak barrel full of corn liquor, his transport of choice since 2002. We regret the error.

In Tuesday’s “Workout Tips”, the Wisconsin Badgers’ strength and conditioning coaches did confirm that they had procured a WWE-style weight belt for the stated purpose of motivating their players to give championship efforts in spring and summer workouts.  They have not, however, hired Joey Styles to scream “OH MY GOD” at players during particularly intense workouts as reported on Tuesday.  We would like to state that the fact they haven’t is a goddamn shame, and we regret the error.

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Last Friday’s “Where Are They About To Be Now?” feature reported that Tennessee sophomore Gerald Jones will spend his summer vacation in a traveling production of Avenue Q, to improve his agility and lung capacity. Jones will be featured as The Count in the more kid-friendly Sesame Street Live. We regret the error, and reiterate that the Jones family does not condone puppet sex in any form.

Ah-ah! [thunderclap]

Monday’s post entitled “Bret Bielema Shreds!”, we reported that Bret Bielema uses old karaoke tracks to provide the background for his series of moving interpretations of popular songs. He in fact constructs the song himself with MIDI instrument tracks, and then uploads them carefully at the end of a long day. We were accurate in reporting that his favorite track is “Hunger Strike” by Temple of the Dog, because he gets to sing both parts.

Monday’s Better Know Your SEC Snack Foods mistakenly reported that gunpowder, a key ingredient in any crawfish boil, was invented by the Chinese in the tenth century.  (more…)

Tuesday’s article “Division I Coaches in the Top 40″ mistakenly claimed that Whitney Houston’s classic single “I Will Always Love You” was originally dedicated to Michigan State coach Mark Dantonio. The inspiration for the song was actually a torrid affair between Houston and Wisconsin’s Bret Bielema in the late 1980s. We regret the error.

You know good and well we could have run this photo unaltered and no one would’ve known the difference.

In Thursday’s review of Watchmen, EDSBS Senior Film Critic Sketch Diddlepants wrote:

“Dr. Manhattan is a glowing superhero who spends much of his screen time showing off his iridescent blue penis …”

This did not refer to Dr. Manhattan or Watchmen, and was instead incorrectly cut and pasted from a review of Tim Brando’s new off-Broadway one man show, “Brando: The Naked Truth.” We regret the error.

Last Friday’s Tennessee guest column “Goddamn You Dave Goddamn Clawson” suggested that the ousted Tennessee offensive coordinator was successful in his former position as head coach of the Richmond Spiders because “Division I-AA isn’t actual football”. (more…)

Columbia, SC–(AP) Lane Kiffin continued to ruffle feathers in the SEC when he displayed unconventional table manners at a monthly meeting of the SEC Football Coaches’ Garden Club in Columbia.

According to witnesses, Kiffin incorrectly used his dinner fork for both his salad and his entree, relinquishing it only when a server snapped up the fork shortly before the dessert course.

“I was just trying to help the guy out,” said the server, who did not wish to be named in this article.

“I don’t know if he knows where he is, but that’s not going to cut it here,” said Paul Finebaum, longtime SEC columnist and garden club tomato expert. “He put his elbows on the table, passed in an incorrect manner across the centerpiece of the table, failed to RSVP, and even used his fork to cut the butter. The fork he ate with. This won’t cut it here. Phil might eat half of the ham at the buffet, but he did it with the right fork, dangit. Pardon my language.”

The fork incident represents just the latest in a series of shocking breaches of SEC etiquette.

“When he was recruiting, he didn’t even call before he came,” said Coach Steve Spurrier. “Not a peep. Just knocked on my door to say hello. When he came in, he didn’t even have a gift with him. Normally you bring a nice casserole, a jello salad or something, anything. He called me ‘Steve’ before I even said he could.”

“And on top of all that, he fell asleep during my lecture on reducing aphid loss in your roses.”

All other coaches declined comment, telling this paper off the record that they found Kiffin’s table manners to be unladylike and unfitting for an SEC coach and Garden Club member. Only one other coach provided comment: Kentucky’s Rich Brooks, who described the question regarding Kiffin’s use of the dinner fork for all courses to be “bullshit.”

Kiffin replied to the ruffled feathers with nonchalance. “Who needs more than one fork at a meal, anyway?”

I mean, of course he is. If this coaching staff had anyone left in their corner at all after treating a reeling, gutted fanbase to a full quarter of Jonathan Crompton, I’d love to hear from them.

So, here we go. It’s time; there’s absolutely no arguing that, but for a city and a team threatened by the remotest hint of change the balance of the season looms dark and our natural pessimism has finally found purchase.  Even with both feet in the FIRE HIS ASS YESTERDAY camp, I was never going to be entirely comfortable when this day came.  He’s the coach of my childhood, the devil I know.  Six weeks ago, I wrote,  “It’s our time at the edge, and the stay will be neither brief nor pleasant.”  I had no idea.

But if there’s anything to celebrate here with complete joyful abandon (for me, campers, for me), it’s that Chris Low scooped the living hell out of the Knoxville News-Sentinel, a terrible paper with a simpering buffoon of a sports editor in John Adams.  Save your preening, sir—you’ve had a public, exhausting vendetta against the guy for years and today you got beat.  ABIGAIL Adams would’ve had that story first, and that bitch has been dead almost 200 years.