A shaded shed on the grounds of Ben Hill Griffin Stadium. Shane Matthews, former Gator quarterback and radio commentator, wakes to find himself bound to a backboard. ALBERT THE ALLIGATOR stares at him.

Matthews: Wha…what happened?

Albert: …

Matthews: I was having a beer at the Copper Monkey one second, and then…nothing. I just want–

Albert: (Raises a finger to his lips. Um, the place where his jaws come together. Whatever that is. There.)

Matthews: What do you want from me?

Enter URBAN MEYER.

Meyer: Shane, I only want you to do what is required of you. (more…)

Hallo! And welcome to Play4Brew.com. Coach Brew’s plan for success is for the players at the University of Minnesota to get their degrees and graduate from the University. In order to do this…I…

Can you hear me? Really, tell me if you can. Make some kind of sign. I’m…I’m trapped here. I don’t know how this happened. I filled out an application, and then ten minutes later I’m in this little box reading this schpiel about Minnesota football academics with a flashlight pointed at me, and now I don’t even know what day it is.

Food comes through a slot three times a day. I have a bucket for my personal needs. I haven’t had any human contact for days now: the light just comes on whenever anyone visits the site, and then I have to read this script with this smile on my face. If I don’t, they turn the hose on. If I do, I get to sleep for ten minutes, unless someone else clicks on it, and then oh jeez here we go again– (more…)