BOB DAVIE:  Hello, and welcome to the Carrier Dome, in frrrosty Syracuse, New York!  It’s a lovely September day outside, but now is the winter of Orange discontent.  And joining me to get to the bottom of all this, Lisa Salters.  Lisa, tell us about the setup today.

LISA SALTERS:  Well, Bob, we’ve set up a series of motion-activated cameras and microphones throughout the stadium, in the hopes of capturing footage of the rare Syracuse football fans in their natural environment.  It’s a technique pioneered by–Bob!  [hissing]  BOB!!

BOB DAVIE [quietly, urgently]: Don’t move.  Their visual acuity is based on motion.
[cautiously reaches into pocket, removes bag of corn nuts, shakes it]
Hey.  Hey.  We’re not gonna hurt you.  C’mere, little guy.  C’mon.

SYRACUSE FAN [slumping into frame]: …Can I help you?

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Don’t borrow, steal: an offseason requires desperate measures, and in a pinch we’ll be happy to do the pinching. We present a running series: Stuff _____ People Like, based on the painfully accurate Stuff White People Like. Today’s episode deals with fans of the Iowa Hawkeyes, mind you, not black people and this guy. Worth noting, especially since there are no black people in Iowa.

Stuff Black and Gold People Like

Fried anything. Holy shit do we like frying things. It’s not that only Iowans fry everything, but Iowans only fry everything. Go to the Iowa State Fair, but do so only at your own risk and with polarized lenses on your sunglasses; direct eye contact with too many fried confections will clog your arteries with Oreo paste.

Not meth. Sorry, Orson, but that’s something that Red and Yellow people enjoy far more than Hawkeye fans, along with other mind-numbing substances like Oxycontin and Rep. Steve King (R-IA). On the other hand…

Hawkeye Vodka. This brand exists, it’s about $11 for a handle, and it’s every bit as gut-wrenching as you can imagine. Only the saddest, most pickled citizens can stomach shots of the Hawkeye, and consuming large portions in mixed drinks leads to complete loss of pants, motor control, and stomach contents, in that order, and in the span of about 15 minutes. It’s a great way to spend a weekend, even if you only remember the world-altering hangover. Actually, it’s unfair to Iowans to restrict us to Hawkeye. Let’s broaden this out a bit:

All alcohol. Go to a Hawkeye tailgate sometime. It’s similar to SEC tailgates in terms of volume (both sound and attendance), but there’s a marked difference: SEC tailgaters cook. They socialize. They have fun. We stand around in 40 degree weather silently forcing Natty Ice down our throats and thinking to ourselves, “there’s more dew than usual.” This is a necessary result of having all our football games start at 11 a.m. Eventually, after 7 hangover-delaying Keystones, some asshole turns on his car and puts in his tailgate CD, which by default has…
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And when we say first stabs, we mean jagged slashing with a sling blade type jabs at what might approximate a best top ten teams of 2007. (Mmm. French fried potatoes.) In fact, just think of us as the retarded, murderous redneck coming to butcher the art of prognostication, one lonely denim strap unbuckled as a proper top 25 sits drunk on the couch and helpless. Not that you don’t think of us that way already, of course.

Yup. Thankin’ ’bout makin’ a top 25.

The upside is that when it comes to prognostication, we’re all Hills Have Eyes mutants looking for a fresh meal for daddy, since we all uniformly suck at predicting the future. It’s a great trick of the human brain: we’re terrible psychics, but we’re superb editors, giving ourselves credit for things largely acheived by outrageous fortune, a little hard work, and the endless combinatorials of fate. This explains why you can tell yourself you did not, in fact, want that promotion, you are, in fact, quite happy with the way your body looks, and that you think that despite having no offensive line, a quarterback you’ve personally seen vomiting up a 12 pack in a Quik Trip parking lot, and a coach with the IQ of a salamander, that you think [INSERT TEAM HERE] has a great chance to [ACHIEVE SOMETHING THEY MOST DEFINITELY CANNOT, PUNY HUMAN.]

And yet despite the innate futility of predicting the future value of college football teams in the upcoming season, it’s a great time-killer, and not an entirely inaccurate one thanks to inequities within college football. (more…)

This video is from the Alabama Senate. The question is which one went to Bama and which to Auburn?

What: EDSBS LIVE online radio Click that or the banner thingy to your right to listen.

Where: At NowLive, where you can chat with each other and the show hosts throughout the broadcast in the online forum (which has gotten damn lively). To phone in to the show, just call (310) 984-7600. LISTEN AND YOUR PENIS AND OR BOOBS WILL GROW!!!

What: Tonight’s special guest is…Bill from ATLEagle, who we’ll ask exactly who this Jeff Jaogdadzknginski guy is, and how he ended up coaching the Boston College Eagles. We’ll also be taking your calls and e-messages, which if you send them to us will MAKE YOUR PENIS AND OR BOOBS GROW LARGER!!!

Four Questions: As always, our four questions for the night.

1. What is your favorite football play/scheme/thing that goes boom.

The ‘bone. It’s like a square dance breaking out in the backfield.

2. Tell us your favorite football movie.

There’s a whole series to be done here, but only one answer for the college ranks really matters: The Program. Starting defense! Place at the table!

3. Are you blitzing? A philosophical and literal question, really.

4. Most suggestive piece of football terminology? Besides the ‘bone, since we’re claiming that. Getting deep penetration is just too easy, y’all, so we expect creative answers.

Hear you then.